Worship

In the silence, in the fear, in joy and elation, in the darkest hours of my life I have cried out to HIM in worship.  As tears poured from my eyes and pooled as oceans at my feet, when I couldn't SEE a way through, I kept playing worship music on repeat.  Sometimes, I would play the same song 100 times in a row, over and over until I could lift my head up, until I cried all the tears I had stored up for that moment.  Until the peace that surpassed all my understanding flooded my every hurt, every ache, and soothed every pain that overwhelmed me, I continued to worship until I was fully at peace to where I was able to breathe.

I learned how to do this when Seth died, and the pain and agony of losing him caused me to cry to the end of my soul, where it felt as if though I were being ripped in half.   I remember the first moments of agony where I was certain I was going to die from the unimaginable pain.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything but cry out in agony.  Until I was all cried out for the moment, and a much-needed reprieve flooded me, to hold me, help me in the moment as we drove home.  

In the quiet of the drive home, my soul cried out, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT I began to worship.  CHRIST ALONE CORNERSTONE... my heart was obliterated, and HIS HOLY SPIRIT interceded on my behalf.  During that first night HE taught me how to cry out to HIM.  Asking for HIM to flood us with HIS PEACE, and to please drench us each in HIS GRACE.  Worship became a part of my grief.  Words that I couldn't speak, pain I didn't know what to do with.  HE led me to songs to listen to, to lift my hands to the heavens, to lay my head on my bible, to cry to the end of my soul, in waiting for HIM to quiet my soul.  

I knew I was being held, I knew HE would heal me, it wasn't ever a matter of if HE would heal me, it was when.  For years HE led me to new songs that spoke to my broken heart.  Year after year, even in the time where I couldn't pray, couldn't read my bible, couldn't even hold my head up, HE led me, to worship.  HE reminded me of HIS HOLY PROMISES for me, the very promises HE taught me to cling to.  HE knew when I was losing my grip, holding on by my fingertips, fading away in the deafening silence of Seth's profound absence.  The PTSD triggers that wrecked me over and over.  The stop light tears, always triggered through worship, the same songs that allowed me to cry, brought me to a new purpose in my pain and that was to pray for other broken-hearted Mamas who they too were sitting at stop lights crying to the end of their souls.  

It would be years later that I would begin to encounter some of the very souls whom I had been praying for.  It was through worship through stop light tears, where I learned HIS TRUTH, that pain is universal.  That deep loss would affect every single person my eyes would see.  That it's not matter of if, but a matter of when.  Deep loss has brought me to an even deeper understanding and compassion for those who mourn.  Worship taught me how to SEE people, and how to pray for them, how told hold their pain, without letting it trigger mine.  Worship would lead me to a place where my TRUST for HIM challenged me even further, to let go of the grip I had, the ownership I felt I had to grieve, to TRUST HIM enough to let go, and let HIM heal me. 

Four years ago, a song of worship about a breakthrough was on repeat in my daily life.  Over and over, I would play that song, I would pray the lyrics, sometimes I'd lift my hands and sing, other times I would lay on my bed, and cry to the end of my soul.  This was because as much as I wanted and needed healing, I was terrified to let go of the lie that it was my responsibility to grieve my son to my own death.  It was in that time of my life where I truly learned to step out into the waves to carry me through to someplace new.  To a life beyond PTSD, beyond sorrow, beyond deep loss, and that very thought terrified me as the guilt and shame that I carried overwhelmed me, as if healing would mean forgetting and moving on, and how could I possibly do that when I missed my son so desperately.

Worship restored my JOY for living, renewed my mind, and transformed my heart.  Three years into my healing breakthrough, HE taught me how to worship in the unknown, to dare to dream, to believe, to pray audacious prayers, and believe HE could do abundantly more than I could ever ask or dream of.  So much that being thirteen months out from that moment, I can say that through worship HE revived me.  Gave me a new life, a HOLY RESET, and took me through the most intense, yet lovingly gentle restorative work.  HE taught me the importance of consuming HIS DAILY BREAD through worship.  HE taught me that HE knows how much I NEED HIM to quiet my mind, therefore HE places songs on my heart, that remind me to lift my hands to the heavens, to lean back into HIS arms, and to know that HE is working ALL things out for HIS good.  

Currently I am praying through a storm where I can't SEE a way through, so I'm choosing to worship through it.  I'm choosing to TRUST HIM, to pray ceaselessly to HIM.  Knowing full well that HE is greater than the vast number of enemies in this storm in my life.  HE is once again reminding me through worship that HE is my peace, my strength, and that HE will fill me with HIS truth through discernment through HIS HOLY SPIRIT, to teach, lead, and guide me how to pray.  Worship was first introduced in my life in 2002 and saved me in 2003.  Through every single battle, every single storm of my life, HE has filled me with HIS promises, singing over me, reminding me that HE is indeed my CHAMPION, my ABBA, my PEACE, my REFUGE, my SHIELD, my PROTECTOR, my DEFENDER, as I know full well that I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul, and HIS name is JESUS.  Hebrews 6:19.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE knows how broken-hearted you are.  HE knows how alone you feel.  HE knows you believe that HE has forgotten you.  HE knows what you've been carrying, and how you've been holding everything together.  HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE weeps for you, and over you in your sorrow, in your pain, in the agony, in the deep loss, in the anger, in the lies that have destroyed your heart.  That have violated your trust.  HE knows how you've lost the strength to fight, how you've tried for years to keep holding on, and you've reached your breaking point.  HE knows how you feel like HE doesn't hear your cries, HE is with you, and HIS HOLY PROMISE is that HE has caught and kept every single one of your tears because they are so very sacred to HIM.  Every single time you lift your hands, or lean back in HIS arms, whenever you're in your car and a song plays, and it speaks to your heart, and causes you to cry out, or silently swallow your tears, even in the words you don't say, HIS HOLY SPIRIT is there to intercede on your behalf.  When you worship with tears streaming down your face, HE is with you and ALL of Heaven is listening.  Dear Ones, HE is there, HE loves you, HE is waiting for you to invite HIM in to help you, to carry you through what you are going through.  HE will meet you right where you are, and teach, lead, and guide you through worship, HIS HOLY PROMISE is that you too will SEE HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. 

ALL FOR HIS GLORY,

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Idols

I never really considered myself to have idols in my life, well that is until this past year and HE began the heart work of FREEING me from the sin of gluttony which for me was a large consumption addiction.  This included food, and all stuff, so much that I was so stuffed from food, beverages, binging on tv, music, and everything but all things HOLY.  This revelation broke my brain, as I always marked myself safe from being starstruck by celebrity's or any other famous or well-known person.  I thought I was safe because I wasn't obsessed, well in my personal opinion anyways.

Then HE began to open my eyes to SEE the sin of gluttony, and well once I began to SEE... ALL of the idols were made known in my life.  Currently I am going through the heart work of tearing down the idol of unwholesome talk. Ephesians 4:29 This has been very challenging for me, as whenever I become irritated, upset, or I find myself in social situations where there is cursing and unwholesome talk, it's like I lose my brain.  When driving in traffic, or even worse when I'm a passenger and I begin to use unwholesome talk with the person who is driving. Whenever gossip is happening, I don't recognize it the way I should, and I always find myself participating until HE convicts me, and I have to apologize4 to HIM, and repent, and begin again.

Unwholesome talk has been an idol in my life since I was very young.  That while I may not have cursed in the beginning, I'm learning unwholesome talk is any and all talk that's not HOLY, HONORING, or PLEASING to HIM, Romans 12:1 In the most recent conviction, the HIS HOLY SPIRIT challenged me in saying, "Heather if you don't pray with curse words, or unwholesome talk, then why do you speak in curse words and unwholesome talk?"  YIKES!!! 

My hearts cry today is LORD JESUS, if it doesn't exalt you, then I don't want to want it.  This after a night out with my oldest at a Hilary Duff concert.  The concert itself was so good, and we had a great time.  It was all the idol worship that my spiritual eyes were opened to before, during, and after the concert.  Even more than that, HE let me know that if I am ever given a space, a place in time to witness to a crowd of people, HE wants me to do it ALL for HIS GLORY, NOT my accolades.  Wow!!  It truly brings new meaning to "gain the whole world but lose your soul.", Matthew 16:26 

Never have I truly understood what JESUS meant when HE said that, until HE opened my eyes to SEE what the world SEES as a "good person," as someone who is inspiring, who is living a great life.  That what good is it to have so many follower's, fans etc., if all of it's for self-exaltation, promotes pride, and is all about me.me.me.  What good is it to be a role model if it's not for HOLINESS, as whether people want to admit it or not, ONE DAY, EVERY knee shall bow, and EVERY tongue shall confess that JESUS CHRIST IS LORD, Isaish 45:23, Romans 14:11, Philippians 2:10-11.  At the end of this life we will ALL be held accountable and have to answer for what did we do with the life HE gave you? Romans 14:12, Matthew 12:36, Ecclesiastes 12:14, Hebrews 4:13, 1 Peter 4:5, 2 Corinthians 5:10, Matthew 16:27, Revelation 20:12, Romans 14:10, Luke 12:2

For me, I know HE isn't going to be interested in how often I went to church, or lukewarmly shared HIS goodness, no I'm going to be judged on whether or not I chose to speak with boldness just as Paul said in Ephesians 6.  I am going to be judged on whether or not I lived with HOPE, TRUSTING JESUS even if...even when.... even though.   I'm going to be judged by what I did with the time I was given.  For me, I know this is the VERY reason why HE has revealed the idols in my life.  To set me FREE, to tear down the idols in my life.  To lead me through a revival, which I've experienced in my life more than once.  At the end of the day, I can't proclaim to BE HIS DISCIPLE, Luke 9:23, Mark 8:34 consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, if HIS word isn't getting in me, renewing my mind and completely transforming my heart. Romans 12:2   If I'm not a reflection of HIS GOODNESS, and I'm not living, loving, or looking anything remotely like JESUS.  

This past year has been a HUGE TRANSFORMATIVE year in my walk with JESUS.  HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has taken on a whole new purpose in my life.  It's solidified my TRUST in HIM that HE truly is IN THE DETAILS of my life.  That HE truly does know the plans HE has for my life, Jeremiah 29:11.  In HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE HE is bringing me back to remember ALL of what HE has brought me through.  Not in condemnation, but in conviction, in TRUE CONFIDENCE that HE knows why I say what I do, and how easily I say it.  HE is reminding me that I was able to just cut out cursing and unwholesome talk on my own, then wouldn't need HIM, Romans 8:1  HE is wanting me to surrender the guilt and the shame that I have for this very idol in my life HE wants me to let HIM in, let HIS goodness in, let HIS light shine on why, and what I need to do, HE is loving me 100% already, and won't love me anymore or any less if I never let go of this idol in my life., But for me I'm truly learning, and beginning to understand what it means to "live is to CHRIST, to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

Dying unto myself, to my flesh, and its desires has been the best possible thing that could have ever happened to me since the day I was saved by HIS amazing grace.  To truly LOVE the LORD with ALL my heart, soul, mind and strength, Matthew 22:37, Mark 12:30, Luke 10:27, Deuteronomy 6:5, means to surrender., fully, with full humility, letting go of my fleshly, selfish ways.  Truly I want and NEED JESUS more than anything else in my life.  More than air, more than food, more than people, more than anything I could possibly think of, or dream of.  TRULY I want to live, love, and look like JESUS, for every soul I encounter to SEE JESUS in me.  I don't want to look, love, or live as the world does.   I want to LIVE FREE and FULLY ALIVE, willing to tear down the idols so that I am able to edify HIS DAILY TEACHINGS, HIS DAILY BREAD, in how HE so lovingly met with me to teach, lead, and guide me how to do just that,

Precious Dear Ones, 

HE knows, HE knows the idols in your life, even if you don't.  HE isn't mad at you, HE cares for you, HE loves you and wants to FREE you from the idols in your life, HE wants you to SEE HIM as your LIVING HOPE, the source of your comfort, joy, peace, relief, food, HE wants to CONSUME your thoughts about what you consume and why.  HE wants to be your EVERYTHING.  HE is waiting for you to open the door to your heart.  HE loves you 100% and won't love you anymore or any less if you decide not to let HIM in.  Dear Ones, HE has amazing plans for your life.  HE is making a way and doing a new thing!  Will you TRUST HIM?  Will you let JESUS in to teach, lead, and guide you to tear down the idols in your life?

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

A Holy Response

Deep from within the Heavens, HE calls unto the deepest part of me.  HE reaches for me and pulls me even closer still.  HE breathes HIS PEACE into, and over me.  To quiet my mind, the thoughts that have been wrecking me.  Thoughts that have carried me back to when, when I find myself looking in the rearview mirror more than I am looking forward.  My life, embers and ashes all around me, the enemy wants me to focus. To be so intent on only seeing the wreckage, the lies, the destruction.  The guilt, the shame, the why didn't I, why did this happen, why did that happen, how the hell did we get here?  So much my mind takes me all the way back, back to the storms, the trauma, the agony, in both my childhood and adulthood.  I'm reminded of all that has happened.  I look all around; tears pour from my soul and pool as oceans at my feet.  I'm drowning in memories, but only for a moment, as I feel HIS peaceful presence encompass me.  It is there HE leads me beside HIS still waters, to rest, safely in the shadow of HIS mighty wings. Psalm 23:1-2, Psalm 17:8

I can breathe again, my tears lessen, but still fall, as the pain of all that has happened is being released.  My mind goes back to last summer when HE began to prepare me to pursue A HOLY RESPONSE.  Unbeknownst to me how much that very teaching would prepare me for this very season of life that I am living.  How consuming my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD has prepared me for the HOLY RESET HE has brought me through.  Healing me from CPTSD, HYPERVIGILENCE, TRAUMA, CLINICAL DEPRESSION and ANXIETY, taking away the need for medication just to survive my life.  A HOLY RESPONSE is HIS DAILY TEACHINGS how to live, love, and look like JESUS.  How even when someone sins against me, I don't have to react.  How I don't have to RSVP to every argument I'm invited to.  How I don't have to respond to mistreatment or injustice with anger, therefore I won't be reacting (sinning) in my anger.   As that is how the enemy has trapped me over and over relationally for as long as I can remember.  How in every relationship since I was a toddler (which is a mind blowing revelation I've recently had since I was only 2.5 years old when I was first traumatized), I learned how to keep myself small, unseen, unheard, unknown, out of sight, faded into the background, taking responsibility to maintain control of every situation, that if I just did exactly everything without needing anything, then maybe, just maybe they would forget about me, leave me alone, and I would survive another day without being hurt.

This very trauma response would bode well for me as I grew older.  I knew how to test whether someone was safe or not, and honestly, I learned to gauge very quickly that no one was safe.  This worked well in my favor until.... I became a Christian, and it was then I learned some of my life's hardest lessons in forgiveness, trust, and healing.  As some of the meanest most cruel people whom I would encounter would hurt me with scripture, with lies of oppression through legalism and religion.  The expectation for me to just be HOLY and know exactly what the LORD wanted for my life.  Not knowing just how messed up I was.  Not knowing just how trapped I had been for so long.  Not understanding what HE wanted for me, thinking HE only wanted something from me.  Believing I had to earn my salvation, as even though I knew I couldn't earn it, my mind had been trained by a spirit of manipulation and control through the people who were supposed to love and care for me.  An unknowingly I too operated in that same capacity, hurting my children, my husband, and those whom I would encounter.

It wasn't until 4 years ago when I was awakened to healing in the deepest pain of abandonment, isolation, and betrayal that I began to step into a new way of living, as I was learning WHO I AM IN CHRIST JESUS.  HE had begun to prepare me for this very part of my life that I am living now, 13 years ago on May 25, 2013, when HE took me through my very first breakthrough in my life in walking closely with JESUS, and HE laid it heavy on my heart to share my thoughts with others, not realizing then that HE was preparing me, through HIS DAILY TEACHINGS to edify HIS word for my brothers and sisters in CHRIST JESUS.  HE took HIS time to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIS HOLY PROMISES, and HIS CHARACTER, that I would cling to, and HE brought me through the deep loss of my son Seth.  

Looking back now, HE brought me through ALL of it and has brought me to this life that I am living now.  Through every set back, closed door, HE has brought me through, even when I couldn't SEE, HE remained steadfastly faithful with me, to me.  HE NEVER left my side, NOT even one time.  NOT even when I tried to push HIM away, HE loved me through it, carried me through it ALL.  HE set me back on my feet, and taught me how to live again, how to breathe again, and most importantly how to TRUST again.  HE showed me HE loves and cares for me so deeply and so personally.  HE has met me in ALL of my tears, ALL of my heartache, and has proven to me time and again that HE is indeed THE PROMISEKEEPER.  That HE will ALWAYS make a way.  

A HOLY RESPONSE is HIS DAILY BREAD that I've been consuming for the past year, even before I realized that is what HE was having me do.  Preparing me, steadying me to pursue holiness and what that means for me, and what it looks like.  Breaking FREE from the lie of self-comfort, and seeking HIM to comfort me, in taking captive the WHY I consume what I do.  In eating, drinking, watching, and listening to ( all for comfort).  Through it all HE has met me every step of the way, reminding me HE IS IN THE DETAILS of even what I am choosing to eat.  This I am reminded once again this morning as I stepped on the scale, and I've now officially lost 81lbs.  That is so much more than weight loss, but ALL the healing that HE has done inside me, and through me, that now SHINES out of me. A HOLY RESPONSE is becoming the answer to every single question that comes to my mind.  To every single answer that I am seeking.  That has continued to solidify HIS TRUTH, HIS TRUE PURPOSE, HIS WILL for my life, and that is to have me look, love, and live like JESUS, like HIM.  Teaching me how and why it's imperative that I learn and choose to speak HIS TRUTH in love to every single soul I encounter.  How speaking isn't always with words, rather through my prayers to HIM.  That HE knows what my exact thoughts are going to be, before they are even formed.  HE knows why I feel the way I do, and what brings tears to my eyes and why.  HE knows how much looking in the rearview mirror hurts me, and how much memories tend to drown me.  HE knows and wants me TRUST HIM, cry out to HIM, and let HIM carry me through, TRUST HIM to carry me through.  A HOLY RESPONSE of TRUSTING HIM with it all, choosing to respond in HOLINESS.  

I used to write about being on a journey towards wholeness, and that has now become about choosing a HOLY RESPONSE, and pursuing HOLINESS, with JESUS, because of JESUS.  That it's okay that I'm not okay in the grief and sorrow from the memories, that HE is with me in ALL of it, through ALL of it.  HE is making a way.  HE is truly creating in me a new heart and teaching me how to DAILY PUT ON HIS ARMOR, to BE more like HIM.  To BE more peaceful, peace filled, and at the end of each day I can celebrate HIS FAITHFULNESS and GOODNESS for me, and I can wake each new morning with a grateful heart, that HE is TRUSTING me with one more day to LIVE for HIM.  A HOLY RESPONSE has opened the door to a HOLY RESET, which brought me to a whole new way of living with JESUS.  Being blessed to mourn with JESUS, love with JESUS, and pursue HOLINESS with JESUS.

Precious Dear Ones,

HE loves you, HE knows you, HE created you and knows every hair on your head.  HE knows your name as it's etched into HIS MIGHTY MAGNIFICIENT CAPABLE HANDS.  HE knows why you're hurting, what you need before you even form a thought to ask.  HE knows that lies of oppression have you bound up.  HE knows what you've endured.  HE knows every tear you've cried, whether audibly or silently.  HE has always been with you, NEVER once leaving you nor forsaking you. HE knows you think and believe HE has abandoned you, HE is just waiting for you to invite HIM back in, or maybe in for the first time.  HE has amazing plans for healing, and restoration for your life.  No matter how far gone off the rails your life has gone, HE has a plan.  HE knows your fears, and what keeps you stuck.  HE knows how hard you've fought to survive, and how you are just waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop in your life.  HE knows the arena of suffering that you find yourself time and again, with all eyes on you waging their bets of whether or not this will be the "thing" that wipes you out.  HE knows how bitter and angry you are that life has just been so damn hard.  HE knows how tired, and let's just face it, battle weary you are.  HE knows how much you carry, how hard you work only to be disrespected by those in your life, and treated so unfairly, unjustly.  HE knows how much you compromise to keep the peace in your life.  HE knows why and how you do the things you to in order to "protect" your peace.  HE knows that lies said about you, believed about you.  HE knows how deeply it cuts into your self-esteem.  HE knows why you run away, isolate, and shut down, and shut out the world just to try quiet the "noise" in your life. HE knows all of the toxic, narcissistic manipulative, controlling entities that are in your life scheming to take you down, to wipe you out.  HE knows, and HE has a plan to teach you how to PUT ON HIS ARMOR, Ephesians 6:10-20, to teach, lead, and guide you to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Dear Ones, ALL of it, HE knows, HE is there, and HIS plans for your life are deeply personal just.for.you.  May today be the day that you surrender to HIS loving, welcoming embrace.  May you seek REFUGE safely in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS.  May you rest in HIS arms and breathe in HIS peace.  

ALL FOR HIS GLORY,

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

it's okay

 Last week I wrote about Forever Tears, and yesterday I began to cry tears I have never cried, because up until now I wasn't able to even express what the pain was that I was feeling.  So as always, it was through a song.  About heaven taking someone early, in a season of life that was good, and how they weren't ready to let them go.  It goes on to talk about sitting in the hospital room to say goodbye.  Never had I heard a song that was so relatable to how I felt about losing Seth.

The Truth is, Seth left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without him.  Losing him the way that we did, with no chance of saving him, or even fighting for him.  When I found him, it was just over, and somehow someway I was just supposed to accept it, grieve, cry, and then move on.  Afterall life is for the living.  This very expectation kept me from being able to cry the tears that are now pouring out of me.  Tears that I wasn't ready to lose Seth, I most certainly wasn't prepared to say goodbye.  I wasn't ready to feel my broken heart beating while Seth's had stopped.  I wasn't ready for the agony, and the cruel reality that all eyes were on me to just heal up, be strong, and keep on keeping on.

As the tears soaked my pillow last night, I prayed, I poured my heart out to JESUS, "why now, why these tears?"  HIS answer, "It's okay Dear Heart, I know how much it hurt you to lose Seth, to give him back, to stand in heaven's doorway.  It's okay that you're still not okay.  I'M here cry deep into MY chest.  I know I'M here; I will help you.  Eye's up Dear Heart, I AM making a way." Exhaustion soon took over and I fell into a much-needed deep sleep.

When I awoke this morning, I wondered if the tears would fall today, and sure enough they did.  However, I didn't let it stop me from seeking HIM, reading HIS word, asking HIM for my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.  Ask, and you shall receive, HIS DAILY BREAD, HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today led me straight into the book of Acts 20:19 to be exact.  How the apostle Paul received discernment from HIS HOLY SPIRIT, how he served the LORD with all humility and tears. no matter what.  Even if......

HE revealed to me that much like HIS apostle Paul, I, too have endured and faced more trials more than most.  I have endured, and I haven't given up.  I've kept writing, kept sharing HIS good news of HIS amazing grace even in the midst of suffering.  I have suffered with JESUS; I have mourned with JESUS.  I have cried the most guttural tears of agony into HIS chest.  I have forgiven and let go of the hurt that has complied on top of my broken heart.  I have given HIM my heart, to be bound up and healed.  I have TRUSTED HIM in my healing and restoration.  I have kept a resilient FAITH, TRUSTING HIM with all my pain, sadness, and deep sorrow.  I've TRUSTED HIM to lead me through this journey of life after deep loss.

Because of my journey of Resilient Faith, I am able to go back with HIM, not to hurt me, but to release me.  Release me from the lie of still grieving, still crying, as if it's wrong for me to do just that.  HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE for me is this:  It's okay that I've reached an even deeper level of grief.  It's okay because it's pain that I wasn't ready to name or speak about.  Pain that I couldn't even begin to comprehend, let alone articulate until I reached the level of healing that I have been brought through.

Healing is wild, as I never know what door it will unlock.  Today healing is allowing me to say all the words that shock, agony, and sorrow kept me from speaking.  Heaven did take Seth too early.  Death showed up, in the midst of one of the happiest, most free moments I had ever experienced.  Standing on the mountaintop of peace with Seth in my arms, I surrendered.  FULL SURRENDER, TRUE HUMILITY (or at least I thought I did.) And just like that, before the days end, my heart would be shattered, and life as we knew it would be irrevocably changed.  All of which destroyed me and has led me through the darkest years of my life.  Losing Seth the way we did, how it affected each of us.  Grieving with JESUS didn't always help, and that devastated me. I so desperately wanted and needed to be healed, and all I knew was for the past almost 12 years all Ive done is cry out to JESUS, the pain of missing Seth and the suffering in learning to live without him has felt like hell on earth.

My tears are releasing the hurt and anguish of people seemingly forgetting what my family and I went through.  For them it seemed as if nothing changed.  For us though, our family grew, but one of us was still missing.  Seth's death changed each of us.  I can only speak for myself.  My arms still ache for him; I can only remember him as the age he was on the day I last kissed his sweet little face and ran my fingers through his hair one.last.time.  I can only remember having to get up from the chair at the cemetery.  Walking away from his little casket being lowered into the ground.  The earthly body that I birthed, held, nursed, cared for.  Loved, kissed, sang to, jumped and danced with and wept over.  That precious little earthly body.  His blue eyes just like his Papa's whom he was named after.  My Seth Daniel, forever 1, left this world far too early, went home to Heaven to live with JESUS, took a piece of my heart with him, and that, that still hurts me.  I still struggle with that.  I still cry and miss him.  I still wonder who he would be.  Back to school is next month and is the start of the reminders of who he would have been.  All of it hurts, and it's okay.

Precious Dear Ones,

It's okay to not be okay.  It's okay to cry, to ask why, and to not understand.  HE loves you, and HE is with you.  HE will help you.  HIS plans for you are amazing.  Plans to help you, hold you, and heal you.  HE knows what you need even before you do.  HIS grace is ALL sufficient for you, and HIS tender mercies are made new just.for.you each morning.  HE has plans to restore your JOY and to give you HOPE and a future.  But don't just take my word for it.  Seek HIM with ALL your heart and ask HIM for your portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.  SEEK HIS TRUTH for your life.  HE will help you, HIS plans for your life are to FREE you, and give you the life you have prayed for. And if today is just a day of tears, well it's okay because if I've learned anything, well HE has a plan for that too!!

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

Nothing Less....

“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house as the sanctuary. Be strong and do the work.”

Everything and NOTHING LESS is HIS Daily Bread for me to consume today.  HIS loving reminder to seek HIM with ALL my heart, and to TRUST HIS word that when I seek HIM, I WILL find HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that it isn't just about me seeking HIM though, it's about WHY I am seeking HIM.  This is the heart check:  am I merely seeking to see what HE can do for me?  Or am I seeking HIM with a WILLNG MIND, and OPEN HEART to serve HIM no matter the cost?

This very question brings me back to the morning of October 13, 2014, when I stood in my office with Seth in my arms and promised HIM, I would do ANYTHING HE asked of me... no matter what.  Well, if you've been around for a while you know what happened not even 8 hours later.  Even if enter my life, and the question of WILL you, Heather, TRUST ME?  Do you believe that I AM, I WILL make a way?  Honestly for the past almost 12 years I seriously questioned whether or not I could actually TRUST HIM, or if I would be willing to go ALL IN once again, or would fear, and torment keep me from saying yes to HIM?  

This morning I was reminded of the many moments in the past almost 12 years where I struggled to worship, I struggled to hold my head up, as my HOPE was barely hanging on.  As the song played this morning, "THE GREAT I AM," HE took me back to when that song was on repeat in my headphones.  Remembering my prayers of, "Please JESUS help me, I hurt so bad, missing Seth hurts, living in this life after loss feels impossible.  No one understands, or SEES me, I'm too much, and yet oddly not enough."  My tears pooling as oceans at my feet, I cried to the end of my soul.  The pain of grief, loss, and fighting through the hell on earth was unbearable.  I didn't SEE a way then, still I clung to HIS PROMISES.

TRULY, I would have lost HOPE had I not SEEN HIS goodness in the land of the living here in this life after loss, Psalm 27:13.  So much I wanted so badly to have my faith and confidence restored to TRUSTING HIM fully and completely, that my dedication to seeking HIM would be NOTHING LESS than ALL OF ME, than ALL IN, no matter what.  Even if it meant... even if.

So much for the past 7.5 months HE has instilled in me a readiness to GO ALL IN, to give HIM     EVERYTHING and NOTHING LESS, even if it costs me my life.  As Charlie Kirk said in one of his final interviews, "I'd want to be remembered for having courage for my Faith."  That would be my answer as well.  That I didn't give up when I was suffering, when I was being strengthened, when I was growing.  That not even walking through the valley of the shadow of death could take me out.  That not even having a front row seat of watching HIM call HIS son home, my Seth, my littlest boy, handing him back to HIS heavenly FATHER, TRUSTING HE would care for him, and then handing HIM my heart to heal it, to mend it, to transform it, to revive it. 

This I know for certain; the enemy banked on me dying from my broken mama heart.  He expected me to end my suffering on my own terms, BUT GOD, oh HE had much better plans.  HE knew how long it would take to mend and heal my broken heart.  HE knew the journey, and the steps I would take to seek HIM, to give HIM my WHOLE LIFE, and NOTHING LESS.  HE knew HIS TRUTH that I would FIND because I began to SEEK HIM with a willing mind, to be renewed by HIS TRUTH and by settling for NOTHING LESS. HE knew the FREEDOM I would find, and the healing I would receive that would FREE the littlest most vulnerable, fragile, innocent parts of me.  HE knew the transformative, and restorative work HE would do in my life.  HE knew how I would come to the end of myself in stuffing myself for comfort and led me straight to the FREEDOM I so desperately needed.  HE knew how scared I was to look to the future, let alone dream.  HE gave me just enough strength to do the next right thing.

For over a year now HE has remained steadfastly FAITHFUL to teach, lead, and guide me to understand about consumption.  Not only in food and drinks, but also in what my eyes SEE and my ears hear.  HE has given me chance after chance to begin again.  Each morning pouring out HIS mercy for me to experience, as I learn once again to go to HIM for comfort.  HE knew why I was hurting when I felt unseen, unheard, unknown, forgotten, and abandoned.  HE knew how badly I wanted HIM to write a message through my pain.  Afterall, I couldn't have possibly gone through everything I had just to merely survive.  HE knew the lie that had become my TRUTH, and HE knew the very moment I would break FREE from that lie!  HE knew, and HE loved me through it ALL.  HE met me right where I was didn't rush me, rather led me to HIS still waters, gave me rest in the greenest pastures, held out HIS hand and asked me if I was ready to TRUST HIM.  HE didn't rush me, rather HE loved me, held me, and filled me with HIS STRENGTH, TRUTH, and PEACE. HE proved to me over and over that indeed HIS GRACE is more than SUFFICENT for me.

Precious Dear Ones,  

HE did ALL of this for me, and HIS HOLY PROMISE is deeply personal and just.for.you too!!  HE is with you; HE is making a way through the wilderness.  HE knows how much you are hurting, how tired and worn out you are.  HE LOVES YOU and knows and HE has plan for you.  The question that remains is will you seek HIM with a willing mind, and an open heart?  Will you give HIM EVERYTHING and NOTHING LESS?  Will you go ALL in?  Will you give HIM your broken heart and TRUST HIM to heal and mend it?  Truly Dear Ones, I am LIVING PROOF that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted.  May today be the day you say yes to TRUSTING HIM, to your healing, to your freedom.  May you come to know HIM not only as your SAVIOR but allow HIM to BE the LORD of your life.  May you BE transformed through the REFINING FIRE of HIS LOVE.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always, with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

 Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

eyes up, Dear Heart

  "[looking away from all that will distract us and] focusing our eyes on Jesus, who is the Author and Perfecter of faith [the first incentive for our belief and the One who brings our faith to maturity], who for the joy [of accomplishing the goal] set before Him endured the cross, disregarding the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God [revealing His deity, His authority, and the completion of His work]" Hebrews 12:2 Amplified Version

While on my walk this morning I felt HIM speak to my heart.  "Eyes up Dear Heart."   Since Monday night I was replaying a moment of weakness in a grief trigger from last week.  Over and over, I replayed the moment wondering why I wasn't able to just shrug off the trigger and why it had affected me like it did.  To be honest I was humiliated by my response, and embarrassed when it was revealed to me another person's perception of my response.

I've fought really hard for the past almost 12 years to BE honoring in my grief.  To NOT allow my emotions to overtake me, as I've learned in the hardest of ways that not every person is able to handle my grief, and or my processing of my grief.  It has been in some of my vulnerable moments where I was attacked the hardest by the enemy.  Attacks, and schemes that took me years to overcome, process through with JESUS, give HIM all the emotions attached to the wound, and allow HIM to lead me through forgiveness of the unjust treatment I've received whilst grieving through the deep loss of my son.

These moments I'm learning replayed over and over in my mind to keep me distracted.  So, while I was walking this morning, I felt HIS DAILY BREAD falling from Heaven right into my heart.  ALL I have to focus on is HIS VOICE, to keep my eyes up, Dear Heart as HE knows the distractions, and how I get exhausted by the tears that fall as the memories and moments flood my mind and my heart.  HE knows how hard I fight through the urge to hold onto grudges, and just be mad, after all who could possibly blame me when I've been through so much.  When I've endured the unimageable, I've survived the Tsunami of Grief, in the sea of agony, of overwhelming sorrow, and excruciating pain.  I've lived almost 12 years without my son.  I've overcome CPTSD, Hypervigilance, Anxiety, Depression, just to name the top 4.  ALL because of JESUS.  Because of the HOLY RESET that HE has taken me through this past year. 

HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE floods my mind so that I know I am so deeply loved and cared for by reminding me of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me and for me has brough me back centered, eyes up, SEEKING ONLY HIM.  Pouring ALL my emotions, feelings, thoughts out to HIM.  Handing my aching mended heart into HIS capable healing hands.  When the heaviness has become too much for me once again and all I know is something has to break, or I'm going to break.  HE whispers to me, "I'VE got you Dear Heart, I'M here.  I'M with you, I won't EVER leave you.  I have a plan, I know how hard this has all been.  I know how unfairly you've been treated; I know you've tried so hard to fight through the tears.  But I promise you, they are NEVER too much for ME.  You, MY PRECIOUS DEAR HEART are NEVER too much for me."

HIS TRUTH is so deeply comforting to me, as with all that has been going on in my life, I only NEED to keep my eyes focused on HIM.  I NEED only to seek HIM Once again HE is reminding me WHY HE has so lovingly taught me over and over WHY I am to PUT ON HIS ARMOR daily, Ephesians 6:10-20.  HE is letting me know HIS DAILY TEACHINGS has been the foundation to prepare me for understanding the NEED for HIS DAILY BREAD.  HE is filling me with TRUE CONFIDENCE that I can always BE recentered, I can ALWAYS change my focus back to HIM.  HE will ALWAYS be right there to show me THE WAY, John 14:6.  

HE is teaching me HIS word so that I may edify it for the readers, the very souls who read this blog.  This means you Dear Ones.   I may not know who you are, but rest assured HE knows you.  HE knows the posts that resonate with you, cause you to well up with tears, and even close the window of the blog as out of sight out of mind.  HE knows when you've had enough, and when you are ready for even more healing.    HE is with you, waiting for you to let HIM in, to TRUST HIM with your heart.  HE knows how heartbroken you are, angry you are, bitter you are, and how lonely you are.  HE even knows when you've given up on life.  When you've decided surviving until you die is the plan you've decided upon.  HE knows, and HE knows why and what made you decide that.  Unlike people HE isn't disappointed in you, rather HIS compassion and love run deep for you.  HE just wants to help you, and HE will wait as long as it takes for you to allow HIM into your heart.  Even if you are already walking with JESUS, you've given your life to HIM, yet find yourself in an extremely difficult season of your life, where TRUST is so very vulnerable for you.  As the hurt and pain that you've endured keeps you avoiding anything remotely resembling what you've already been through.  

Dear Ones,

HE will NEVER fail you.  This is HIS HOLY PROMISE that is deeply personal and just.for.you.  HE knows why you're scared, and how deep the scars go to when you stopped TRUSTING HIM.  HE isn't mad at you or punishing you.  HE is there to help you.  HE is wanting to SHINE HIS LIGHT, HIS GLORY in your life so that you will SEE the TRUTH of WHO you are, because then you'll know WHOSE you are.  You were made in HIS image, and WHO you are in CHRIST JESUS is the ONLY TRUTH you NEED to know.  My prayer is that you'll seek HIM, HIS TRUTH, and know that HE hears you, and will answer you.  HE is Truly TRUSTWORTHY and STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to remain, even when you're struggling to TRUST HIM.  Dear One's HE has a plan for that too. Whatever your addictions, habits, hangups, obsessions, whatever lies have you bound up, locked in a prison, HE knows.  HE knows the way out.  HE will make a way for you.  HE is there, waiting to hold you, to heal you, to help you, to teach, lead, and guide you.  May today be the day you open your heart to HIM once again, or for the 1st time.  May you begin your own journey of eyes up, Dear Heart.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

forever tears

Usually whenever my tears fall, I just wait for the moment to pass.  Lately though, that's becoming more of a challenge for me.  I guess it's the realization that the world didn't stop for my broken heart.  That when my first tears of agony fell, they were the beginning of my forever tears. Tears that I would cry so much, that those around me just became numb to them.  As they have learned that I am just a crier, so much I call myself the professional crier.

That being said, crying takes a lot out of me.  Honestly, I miss my life of who I was before my forever tears. I'm beyond heartbroken that I've had to figure out how to live without one of my children.  That I've had to navigate through child loss with my husband.  That the fierce pain of one of us is missing is always prevalent. That it's been almost 12 years and D and I are still processing how traumatic it was to lose Seth.  

Last night D shared with me how a lot of his trauma is how people reacted to my grieving.  There was so much church hurt, so many broken relationships, friendships, and judgements.  Within the 1st month the attacks began and didn't let up until we sought refuge in our home, stopped going to church, and stopped letting other people into our grief.  For the next 6 years we would do all we could to survive.  We would try our best to help our heartbroken children who missed their littlest brother so desperately.

Forever tears for my oldest son as at then tender age of 5 was forced to say goodbye to his best friend.  The heart wrenching reality that would overwhelm him the 1st time he visited his little brother's grave.  Him realizing Seth didn't live at the cemetery, that he was gone.... gone.  Holding him in our arms, D and I did our best to console him in his grief.  How could we possibly explain to him what we ourselves were still struggling to grasp.

Forever tears at stop lights as I tried so hard to get it together to be Mama to my precious 4, and then soon to be 5.  Tears that would flood my eyes as I struggled to connect with the precious little girl in my womb.  Forever tears that poured like rain in complete fear to fall in love with her.  Bringing her home from the hospital I remember crying to the end of my soul, afraid, asking GOD "to take her now, don't wait till I fall in love with her."  As the mere thought of losing again was more than I could bear.  

Forever Tears in my many therapists, doctors, and Psychiatrists offices as my mind struggled to process the diagnosis that went hand in hand with child loss.  Tears that fell when panic attacks entered my life, and the feelings of failure were all consuming.  Tears that fell as I watched the lives of those who were there in the crisis, well their lives continued.  Some having more children and are still raising ALL of their children.  Tears I've cried as I've battled through the bitterness, jealousy, anger, and resentment.

Forever Tears that have asked the questions that I was too afraid to say.  "GOD, do YOU even care?"  Afterall where was GOD and why did HE allow us to be so shattered, why were people so cruel to each of us.  Why couldn't we have compassion, sympathy, or empathy in the loss of Seth.  Why did our world end, and yet those who hurt us in our most vulnerable state of being not apologize for doing so.  Why were we supposed to just accept this was just the way things were and would remain.

Forever Tears when the silence of not hearing Seth's name was deafening.  Tears that would fall as I would finally open up about the excruciating pain of not hearing Seth's name and being told that it was my job to say his name, that I couldn't possibly expect anyone to say his name as his memory was all on me.  

As I type this out today, I'm realizing that it's not me going back in my life, rather it's inviting JESUS into the deepest pain I've endured.  It's letting HIM soothe the scars that have been irritated by memories, and moments of familiarity.  It's having deep compassion for myself, grace for myself that I didn't think I deserved as I felt so much pressure to just get it together, get over it.  Cry enough, wipe my tears, put on my mask as to not offend anyone.  Today I'm realizing that being told my grief was offensive to people was deeply traumatic for me.  That in inflicted even more pain in my heart than the agony I was already in.  It's being able to look at the situations and encounters I found myself in.  Not because of what I did, rather it's what I didn't do.  I wasn't inspiring enough because I couldn't stop my forever tears.

Soon... it will be 12 years.... and I still cry.... I still grieve... I still miss Seth.  I'm still realizing how deep the pain of missing goes.  I'm learning to love myself well.  I'm learning to TRUST JESUS even more with my heart.  I'm learning to LET GO, so that HE can, and HE does, and HE will.  I'm learning that as I stand at the ocean of sorrow, HE'S parting the waves, revealing the path for me to walk.  HIS love and compassion are endless for me.  HE isn't tired of me needing HIM.  TRULY I am blessed to BE MOURNING WITH JESUS, as HE is giving me everything I need.  TRULY HE has caught and kept every single one of my oceans of forever tears.

Precious Dear Ones,

Deep loss is so very hard, and heavy.  HE knows, HE SEES you.  HIS love and compassion are endless for you.  HE knows and SEES how hard you are trying to just stay afloat.  To keep smiling, keep living, keep hoping, keep praying.  HE SEES it ALL.  HE knows how much you NEED HIS LIGHT, to BE the strength you don't have on your own.  How the missing is fierce, how living a life you don't recognize has changed you.  HE has caught and kept every single one of your forever tears, as they are so very sacred to HIM.  HE is close to the brokenhearted, Psalm 34:18

Always, with so much love, understanding, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

carry

The hurt inside... that I hide deep down inside of me.  The sometimes-overwhelming pain of missing Seth leaves me breathless.  Finds me broken on my bathroom floor late at night when no one else is awake.  It's where I feel safest to fall apart.  When the pain bubbles up and pours from my eyes, and I know it's just the release of keeping a brave face for so long, until I can't hide it anymore.  

Hiding, because my grief has outlasted the sympathy from those around me.  Empathy comes and goes, but most of all it's the constant fishbowl that I find myself in.  The arena of life announcing the next thing.  The hurt, the battles, the pain, the scars, all of it.  I smile to cope; I try so hard to stay afloat to not be pulled under with the deep sadness that takes over when I allow myself to miss my son.  When I let my guard down, and fall deep into HIS arms, safe in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS to cry to the end.of.my.soul.

So much I find myself trying so hard to just keep positive, to think of Seth HEALED and WHOLE in Heaven... but alas I am so very human, and as Seth's Mama my tears, my sadness finds me.  I manage to evade the pain, the grief, and keep moving forward.  Until I reach the point where I can't go on.  Not without a release of the heaviness of the tears that are stored up, ready to fall at a moment's notice. Where I fight a battle in my mind, feeling betrayed by my heart, as if JESUS isn't enough for me to keep moving forward.

Then I feel HIS warm embrace, pull me even closer still.  I breathe in HIS peace, and let all the pain, the tears, the sorrow, the questions, the heartbreaking realizations that keep flooding me year after year.  Feeling so fragile, too fragile to even stand.  HE reminds me that I don't have to do this on my own.  HE is there to help me, to hold me, and to carry me through.  HE lets me know that HE SEES me trying so hard, to hold it together, to not seem ungrateful for ALL HE has done for me.  To be grateful for HIS steadfast faithfulness to remain with me through it all.  HE is wanting me to know that HE NEVER grows tired of being the ONE to carry me through my pain, my sorrow, my sadness, my struggle to accept HIS TRUTH, accept that I'm still crying, still missing, and it hurts.  OH, SWEET JESUS it just hurts so bad.

Even as I type this post, my tears are streaming.  I'm having to pause to wipe away my tears because they are flooding my eyes, pouring like rain.  Even now, after all this time, the pain still feels so fresh, so raw, so deep.  A well of emotions bubbles up within me.   Suffering from a life altering loss.  Still almost 12 years later I'm still learning how to live without my son.  I'm still learning how deep the missing goes.  How much time is brutal to my mended broken heart.  For I am convinced that if you were to look at my heart you would SEE all the pieces put back together by HIS love.  You'd SEE HIS strength pouring through my veins, and you'd SEE me encompassed in HIS peace.

For this I am so very grateful.  For this very reason, is why I didn't just give up.  It's why I still write.  It's why in everything I do, I pray it is ALL FOR HIS GLORY.  It's my JESUS STORY.  It's my Redemption story.  HE is my source of ALL my strength, as I haven't been able to do any of this without HIM.  HE has remained steadfastly faithful right beside me.  Holding me as I fall apart.  Pouring strength into me to serve, to hold other's people's pain and stories.  HE'S given me the ability to pray, to intercede on behalf of those who are mourning and the brokenhearted.  For those who are suffering, HE has taught me how to listen, to pray, to listen, to pray, and repeat.  To pray to HIM to carry them through.  

Precious Dear Ones,

If today should find you struggling to even stand, or even lift your arms to be lifted up, HE is there.  Cry out to HIM.  Let your tears fall, cry out to JESUS because HE cares so deeply for you. HE NEVER grows tired of being needed by you.  HE doesn't want you to pretend for HIM, HE knows how heavy the burdens are that are weighing you down.  HE knows why, what happened and how deep your scars and pain go.  HE knows when you are smiling just to cope, just to stay afloat.  HE knows, HE SEES you, HE is there to help you, to hold you, to carry you through whatever it is that you are going through.  Even if it's been hidden from the rest of the world.  Even if you're struggling to let it out because of shame and guilt, HE knows, and HE loves you.  HE has a plan to help you through it.  To FREE you from the shame and guilt.  HE is TRUSTWORTHY to hold all of your emotions, all your feelings that you keep swallowing so that no one knows.  HE knows, HE is there, HE is waiting for you to let HIM pull you through whatever it is that you're going through.  May today be the day where you lean back into HIS embrace and let HIM carry you through.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

with so much love, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

Built for TRUTH...

Built for TRUTH... has been all consuming in my heart lately.  HIS DAILY BREAD for me today is HIM filling me with discernment that I've only received through surrender.  Letting go of my judgements, perspectives, letting down my walls of pride that have kept me from SEEING HIS TRUTH.  Surrender of the feelings of unforgiveness that I feel rightly to have.  HE is letting me know, that the very unforgiveness that I am holding onto is keeping me from the healing HE has for me.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is revealing the importance for me to have open-hearted faith so that I will be readily available to do the very things HE has planned for my life.  HE is letting me know the pre-requisites to having an open-hearted faith are a willingness to let go, to surrender, to be ready to love as JESUS loves, and to allow HIM to soften my heart (even when I disagree).  

Pride, well that has tripped me up for so long.  This is because of the layers of self-protection I have worn since I was 2.5 and didn't take off until I turned 48.  Self-Protective layers that I needed at the time but don't serve any purpose for me now in the chapter of my life I am living with JESUS.  In letting go and allowing HIM to open my spiritual eyes to SEE (open-hearted faith) I am reminded of why HE has so lovingly taken so much time preparing me every step of the way through learning and understanding of the imperativeness of a HOLY RESPONSE in the conflict, confusion, and division in my life.

I am learning, and well my awareness is increasing daily that I'll be learning until either JESUS comes back, or I am called HOME to BE with JESUS, Philippians 1:6.  That if I am waiting for the moment for heart work to cease in my life, well that just isn't going to happen, for as long as I am breathing, I NEED JESUS.  I NEED HIM not only to BE my SAVIOR, but my LORD.  I NEED HIM to help me understand that I was built - created for HIS TRUTH.  HIS TRUTH IS:  ALL OF HIS KIDS- you, me, we were ALL BUILT for TRUTH, NOT to swallow the lies of the enemy, Ephesians 2:20-21

HIS TRUTH IS reminding me once again that I was NOT given a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, and a SOUND MIND, 2 Timothy 1:7.  The enemy schemes ALL of the time to take me out.  To trip me up in pride, judgement, animosity, bitterness, jealousy, anger, hatred, and unforgiveness.  This is because relationally for most of my life that same lie that was breathed into my soul, was cultivated over and over again in every season, every stage, every chapter of my life.  It's where I can look back on my life and the villain's I "thought" I had, all have the same characteristics, same personality, and a common theme of the attacks came in the same manner.  Attacking my self-esteem, self-worth, increased the intensity of loneliness, being forgotten, unwanted, unworthy, unlovable, too much, and not enough.  In the attacks, the schemes the enemy successfully tricked me into believing isolation was the ONLY way to avoid another level of betrayal in my life.  

I spent most of my life until 4 years ago swallowing lies, and it wasn't until HE began to teach me how to PUT ON HIS ARMOR did, I learn to fight.  Did I learn WHO I was fighting.  It wasn't until then that I learned the upmost importance and power in PRAYING in HIS MIGHTY and HOLY name, JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WHO CAME IN THE FLESH.  In putting on HIS ARMOR daily HE began to speak HIS TRUTH over my life, cutting out the lies at the root, as people pleasing was one of the deepest-rooted lies in my life.  As part of my self-protection was NOT to draw unwanted attention to myself, do my absolute best to stay under the radar.  To avoid conflict at all costs.  That is until my eyes were opened to SEE the lies that I was swallowing daily, that skewed my perspective for living and kept me from SEEING with a FRESH HEAVENLY PERSPECTIVE, which has ALWAYS been HIS TRUTH.

Conflict has invaded my everyday life, even in my own family.  Division, destruction and estrangement have become our reality.  That the attacks against me weren't enough for the enemy, he began to target my family.  Those whom my heart bleeds for in their loss, their grief, their struggles, their storms of life.  I'm watching from the sidelines, praying, waiting for HIM to rescue those who have fallen prey to the enemies lies and schemes.  All the while praying to keep my eyes opened to SEE, to never just assume, but to prayerfully seek HIS TRUTH always.  Even so boldly praying that HE would help me to accept HIS TRUTH even if it's devastating, even if it's hard.  Praying daily to have, to keep my resolve for a HOLY RESPONSE, that even when it hurts, even if it isn't true, not reacting, rather giving HIM ALL my emotions, feelings of anger, hurt, and overwhelming sadness.  

Life hasn't gotten easier; I've just gotten stronger because of JESUS.  Because of HIS strength poured over me, in me, and flowing through me.  It's because of HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE, HIS HOLY PROMISES that HE has kept steadfastly faithful to me, for me.  It's because I am learning I was Built for HIS TRUTH and am never expected by HIM to swallow the lies just to keep the peace.  Rather to speak boldly HIS TRUTH in love, to step way, stand aside, take a HOLY RESPONSE posture of grace and humility.  To wait for JESUS, to allow HIM to lead me.  As HE is after all the Author and Perfector of my FAITH, Hebrews 12:2

Dear Ones,

HE knows, HE understands why, what happened, what was said to you, gossiped about you.  HE knows the slander against you and what you have slandered in response to theirs.  HE knows what's transpired and has heard all the conversations that you weren't privy to.  HE knows the healing, the apologies that you long for.  HE knows the restoration, the renewal, the redeeming HE has planned for your life.  HE knows who you are missing, how much your heart is hurting.  HE knows, HE cares, HE is with you.  HE has NEVER left you, nor has HE ever forsaken you.  You, Dear One, are NOT alone, your name is etched in HIS hands, HE has you, HE has good and amazing plans for your life.  

HOPE HAS A NAME, HIS NAME IS JESUS

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

With much love, compassion, kindness, humility, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

FREE

 For as long as I can remember I longed to be FREE from painful rejection, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, CPTSD, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, people pleasing are just to name a few.  A few.... just typing them out I can remember how battle weary I was.  I can remember the tears I cried, the prayers I prayed, and how helpless, powerless, and hopeless my feelings were that I tried so hard to fight through.

I remember attending church as an observer, not participating in anything other than worship.  Honestly, I remember sitting in my seat week after week silently loathing anyone that was happy or smiling.  I loathed the "helpful" people as I was beyond depressed.  I wanted so badly to be FREE from suffering.  I longed to know a life outside of TRAUMA.  I would leave week after week feeling worse than I did when I arrived, and eventually I had banked up enough terrible rotten, no-good Sundays, and just ordinary days that I gave up on being with people outside of my family and small circle of people who I could trust.

My days consisted of sarcasm just to cope with the harsh reality that was my life.  Binge watching TV that wasn't anything like my life became my focus.  I took my medication like clockwork and gave into the realization that my life was as good as it would ever get, I was trapped in a cycle of the highest of highs in the rare moments, and when I would crash, it would be through self-destruction.  

It never failed that I would have a good few days, then every once in a while, weeks, and then I'd find myself on the battlefield fighting for my life.  What I didn't realize then was the only way I was able to have a "good" day was through avoidance.  Being absent from my own life was the only way I knew how to survive.  I wanted so desperately to understand the meaning behind my story, and more than anything I just wanted to be FREE.

Seven months ago, I became medication FREE, and little did I know at the time that HE was up to something BIG.  It wasn't until this morning that I realized just how BIG.  For the past seven months I've been set FREE from CPTSD, hypervigilance, rejection, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and people pleasing. It was during a moment of intercessory for someone else in need to be set FREE did I realize that HE set me FREE from far more than I could have ever hoped or asked for.

HE revealed to me this morning HIS TRUTH, that HE knew just how timid and afraid I was to ask to be set FREE from all of those things, so I stayed small on my list of need to be set FREE from.  HE let me know that HE will NEVER grow tired of meeting my needs.  HE pulled me even closer still, wrapping me up in HIS arms, and there I remained.  Safe in the shadow of HIS mighty wings.  This was a deeply familiar place for me to be.   As it was there that I received the most life changing comfort in the deep loss of my son.  It was in HIS arms that I learned I could TRUST HIM with my tears, and I could cry deep into HIS chest.  

This morning HE reminded me that even though I've been set FREE from so many lies of oppression, HE knows that I still NEED HIM.  HE reminded me that I was created on purpose to NEED HIM.  That it was never the plan for me to do anything by myself, That HIS plans for my life include even more moments of me being set FREE by HIS TRUTH.  HE wanted me to know that when I discover even more of HIS truth for myself, HE'S grinning from ear to ear as HE is so proud of me.  HE is reminding me of my new name HE gave me, Ravah (immersed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT) is a constant continual tangible reminder for me to remember HE is for me, NEVER against me.  That HE is my ABBA, my GOOD SHEPHERED, my FATHER OF GOOD GIFTS, my DEFENDER, my PROTECTOR, my CHAMPION, my LORD and SAVIOR, my LIVING HOPE, my JESUS.

My JESUS story is how I was set FREE to pray, to intercede on behalf of the souls I encounter who too are being held in bondage through lies of oppression.  To pray on their behalf because I recognize the lies, and the emotions wrapped up in lies.  The self-destruction, confusion, division, and isolation that takes over a battle-weary soul.  It is an honor and a privilege to sit with someone whose story feels too much, or not good enough.  To someone who has gone their whole life feeling unseen, unloved, unknown, and unwanted, is so very battle-weary, on the battlefield unsure of what they're even fighting for.   

This was me; I knew how to put on the ARMOR OF GOD, I just didn't understand who or what my enemies were.  It was JESUS fighting for me, setting me FREE that has empowered me to speak boldly, to pray earnestly, and ceaselessly for myself and others. It's where I've learned how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, to stay FREE.  Ephesians 6:10-20 It's where I've learned about HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE for DIVINE PROTECTION, Psalm 91.

Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, if any of this resonates with you, my prayer is that you will come to know HIM as I know HIM.  If you are unsure of your relationship with JESUS, cry out to HIM, "JESUS PLEASE HELP ME."  HIS HOLY PROMISE is deeply personal and just.for.you.  HE has amazing plans for your life.  Plans to set you FREE, to heal you, to help you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE, Jeremiah 29:11.   I know you may be thinking, "Heather you just don't understand."  You might be right, but what I do know is that even when the people in our lives fail us, JESUS NEVER will.  HIS plans are so good.  HE is kind, compassionate, and gentle.  HE won't rush you, HE will help you understand, and in the times where you are struggling to understand, or you're mad at HIM, well Dear Ones, HE has a plan for that too. TRUST HIM, HIS HOLY PROMISES are TRUE, that indeed then you will know the TRUTH and the TRUTH will set you FREE, John 8:32,36

As always, with so much love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your SISTER in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

catch.... release....

So much I just miss my son.  So much I miss not hearing his name in this world.  My world was silenced in the most deafening way on October 13, 2014.  Not hearing his voice, seeing his smile, his footsteps running into my room... his little hands reaching for me.  It wasn't long enough for me to outgrow his little hands.  We didn't get the time together to prepare my heart for him to not need me anymore.  He left before my heart knew, my arms knew how to be without him.  

Soon it will be 12 years since my son was ripped from my arms and my life. 12 years of crying and missing him.  Wondering what he would be like.  How tall he would be.  Would his hair be long like his big brother??  What would life have been like raising two rambunctious little boys?  I was ready for that; I was so excited to watch my boys grow up together.  It was fall and the boys were so excited for Halloween, trick or treating, and fun family days at the Amusement Park.  Our family fun days came to a sudden halt.  Tears replaced smiles... silence replaced laughter... the light in our family was gone.  Total devastation was all there was to see.  The more time went by, the more real the pain was felt.  The more the shattering of each of our hearts was made known.

12 years and I still dread grief triggers.  12 years and every time the grief bubbles up and the tears pour out of my eyes, I brace myself.  I pray, cry, and wait for the grief wave to level out.  But in the aftermath, the pain is still there.  There isn't a moment of better when it comes to missing Seth.  There isn't any at least moments to be found.  Because for the rest of my life Seth will be in Heaven, and I'll cry, grieve, and miss him fiercely.

Grief Triggers have become the hardest moments of giving myself grace to cry.  I struggle to not be triggered when someone speaks about Suffering in what I perceive as lame.  As the suffering that I've endured has been life altering.  Changing every single thing I ever knew how to do... even breathing.  Irrevocable change has forever scarred each one of OG family.  And to those who joined our family n the aftermath, well I so desperately wish they could have known Seth.  Especially his little sister Joy.  And then that leads me to another moment of catch... release... knowing that had we not lost Seth, we wouldn't have Joy, and I want both and it isn't fair to have to choose.  The thought of losing them both, is unbearable and makes me cry.  

Forgiveness towards those who've said hurtful things pertaining to my grieving Seth over the last almost 12 years has proven to be a tough challenge.  Every single time I "think" I've finally let go of unforgiveness; it's always revealed there is residual pain that lingers.  It's in those moments that take me right down to my knees, where I'm so angry all over again, and all I can do is to "let it hurt."  Let the pain out, so that HIS healing can come in.  It's in those vulnerable moments where I've let my guard down, and my strength is depleted.  It's where HE has taught me to cry deep into HIS chest because HE knows how much I am hurting.  HE knows how desperately I am missing Seth.

It's not lost on me that the new school year starts next month, and fall will follow shortly thereafter.  I wish so badly that I could say I'm finally done grieving, but then as a loving sister in CHRIST JESUS reminded me then that would mean I don't think about him ever and that would be even more tragic than me losing him.  Missing Seth is the hardest thing I've had to learn how to do.  Continuously living my life not knowing my son anymore and having to tell the world about him.  When really all the world just wants me to forget, to move on, and just be content with knowing he's in heaven and I'll see him again one day.  To that I say, "well that's crap." As if you'd allow yourself to imagine not seeing your child anymore.  That your time with them would just be over.  That all your hopes, dreams, and prayers were just over... with nowhere to go but through your tears.  Your tears would become your food, everything would change, even your breathing.  That everyone in your world just expect you to just accept your child's death and move on.  Your life will feel like the worst dream, a living nightmare that you can't wake up from.  That you'll be the newest member of the most horrific club that is every parent's worst nightmare.

If only has become the cry of my broken mama heart.  If only I had known how that day would end up.  If only I had known what I would have done differently.  If only I had known, I'd memorize his little laugh, his sing songy voice... his smile... his hands.  Oh, his little hands, how I miss his little hands... and then it hits me he wouldn't be little anymore, and I have to capture the anger in those thoughts, give them to JESUS, and let HIM comfort me in the sadness of deep loss.  Catch.... release.... when the pain hits, the thoughts flood, the missing is fierce... I let JESUS in... and release all the emotions tied to my thoughts. 

Today has been a day of reflection of the past few days of tears.  My heart is aching, the missing just hurts... so much...  just miss Seth... my son... Mama's Teff... my sweet Seth Daniel.... I grieve for the years I've cried, and I then I thank JESUS for HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to me.  For if not for JESUS I surely would have died from my broken heart.  HE TRULY is CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED, and every single day HE meets me, gives me my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD and comforts me in only a way HE can. 

Life after loss.... I'm learning is full of moments that take my breath way, and all I need to remember is catch.... release....

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

Speak Boldly

Long before the dawn HE calls from within the HEAVENS for me to rise and meet with HIM.  Sometimes it's just so that I will receive the opportunity to pray for someone that HE places on my heart, and other times it's because HE wants me to awaken to consume my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD.  It's in those times where I make my way to the HOLY QUIET PLACE where HE has taught me to begin our time together with me praying the way JESUS taught me.  Through the LORDS prayer, Matthew 6:9-13, in a deeply personal way that pertains only to my testimony, my relationship with JESUS. Then HE leads me to putting on HIS FULL ARMOR, Ephesians 6:10-20.  

It has been through HIM teaching, leading, and guiding me to why it is imperative that I PUT ON HIS ARMOR daily, that I am learning more about Saul who became the Apostle Paul.  In Paul's own words he asks for prayer for the LORD'S message to be given to him.  For him to receive the LORDS message whenever he speaks, and for him to make known with BOLDNESS the mystery of THE GOSPEL.  I'm learning the reason Paul prayed for this very ask was because he was an ambassador in chains, meaning he was imprisoned for sharing THE GOSPEL for CHRIST JESUS.  He needed strength, and courage to speak boldly even though he was imprisoned for that very reason.  

In the past four years my prayer life has increased.  I've experienced HIS steadfast faithfulness to me and started to SEE my life, THROUGH MY FATHER'S EYES.  I've witnessed miracles that I can't explain in any other words but the GRACE OF GOD.  I've watched HIM level mountains, and empty oceans in my life just to reach me.  I've walked beside HIS STILL WATERS, and I've rested in HIS LOVING ARMS in the GREENEST PASTURES.  Truly HE has restored my soul, Psalm 23:2-3.  So much that I've become bolder in writing my testimony, in sharing my JESUS STORY.  

I remember years ago when HIS DAILY TEACHINGS was about TRUE CONFIDENCE.  I remember thinking and feeling discouraged if I'd ever get to the point where I could share my JESUS story, and that was because I didn't understand the difference between my personal story and my JESUS story.  Well I can confidently say and speak boldly HIS TRUTH, that my personal story is reserved for only a few people whom I will encounter in this life.  However, my JESUS story, well that is for everyone to hear to know.  In knowing that I've felt led back to writing and posting on this blog.  Not so that I may boast, rather to speak boldly... ALL FOR HIS GLORY.

In order for me to speak boldly I MUST first take EVERY single thought captive.  I must PRAY for DISCERNMENT and WISDOM to speak ONLY when HE calls me to speak.  I am learning that at every turn the enemy is scheming to trip me up.  To keep me bound and gagged.  To keep me upset, angry, bitter, jealous, and to keep me seeing through a lens of comparison.  This is especially true whenever someone else is speaking about something I've suffered though.  Where true pain has inflicted, not just an uncomfortable feeling or struggle has ensued.  Rather true suffering such a deep loss, where the only way through is to grieve. To feel to cry, to come completely undone.  To have gone through the deepest loss where you know the only way you survived was through the amazing grace of GOD.  The kind of suffering where the pain is all consuming, and you can't cry enough, pray enough, or outrun it.  This became very apparent to me when the day I realized that I could fly to anywhere on the planet and Seth wouldn't be there.  That no matter where I went my son would still be in heaven, and my heart would still be so broken.  I would still have to miss him for the rest of my life, and that was the unbearable truth that I was forced to accept.  

To speak boldly about suffering here is what I will say.  I don't know how, or when, I only know WHO.  JESUS is the ONLY one who can and will make a way.  I don't understand it, I can't really explain it, but somehow, supernaturally one day you'll wake up and the pain will be different.  HIS grace will be sufficient enough for you to endure the pain of deep loss, 2 Corinthians 12:9.  HE will remain steadfastly faithful to you.  Catching and keeping every single tear of the oceans that you cry HE won't rush you through your healing.  HE will give you the time and space to grieve.  HE will slowly bind up your wounds, healing you from the inside out, Psalm 147:3.  HE will let you know that HE understands how badly you want to go back to before... to life before deep loss showed up and shattered your heart.  HE will keep HIS PROMISES to you as they are indeed HOLY.  HE will give you everything you need to move forward in your life, pausing with you to cry, to mourn, to remember.  HE knows, and HE has a plan for ALL the days of your life, Jeremiah 29:11. HE will turn your mourning into dancing, Psalm 30:11, and HE will trade your sorrows for HIS joy.  

My brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS I don't know when or how, but I do know and can say with TRUE CONFIDENCE that HE is steadfastly faithful to remain with you.  To breathe in HIS peace that surpasses ALL understanding, Philippians 4:7.  HE will leave you speechless with HIS endless grace and tender mercies.  HE will renew you and restore you and help you.  HE will teach, lead, and guide you through your days, and HE promises that in TRUSTING HIM to be your LORD and SAVIOR, HE will prepare a place for you in HIS FATHERS HOUSE.  I can confidently say that HE is indeed close to the brokenhearted, Psalm 34:18.   HIS PROMISES ARE HOLY and HE keeps every single one of them.  For I have witnessed, learned, experienced, and lived out HIS HOLY PROMISES and TRUST and know them to be TRUE as my life is evident of this very thing.  Through the writings of the Apostle Paul, I am being strengthened by the LORDS vast strength to speak boldly about the mystery of the gospel.  I am being CHAMPIONED by ALL of Heaven, Hebrews 12:1

I'll leave you with one final thought to ponder, "do you live your life for HIS GLORY?  Do you speak boldly in such a way that even the LORD can't help but notice your resilience?" (This was the final question in my devotional today)

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather

the miracle

Will you say YES to JESUS?  No matter what?  Even if.... do you even know what that means?  I can tell you that on the morning of October 13, 2014, I had no idea what I was saying yes to.   It was up until that day at 4pm that I lived in a world of oblivious living.  Where deep pain was in my past.  I thought I had survived the hardest moments I'd ever have to face.  I thought in giving my life to CHRIST that I would be covered.... protected... safe from harm... until....

Saying YES to JESUS put me on the front line of the battleground.  Saying yes put me front and center at the table with my enemies.  Little did I know who my enemies were, let alone did I understand how to fight.  It would be years later before I would be strong enough to even think of saying YES again.

This past April I served at the women's conference at my church as a part of the welcoming team.  This was the 1st time in almost 13 years that I had served in hospitality for a church.  It was the first time in almost 12 years where I was healed enough to be there for other people, rather than my being in constant and continual need.  While serving I had the opportunity to hug and love on several women who just needed BLESSED ASSURANCE that they weren't alone.  I was able to pray over them and listen to their hearts and what was going on in their lives.  I was able to just be, to just listen, to just pray, not try to fix, or solve anything.  I didn't feel pressure to perform or appear a certain way.  I was healed and I knew it; I could feel it.

Still... the enemy didn't let up.  It was during the afternoon session that a dear friend was interviewed for the traumatic event that transpired just six months prior with her precious 3-year-old.  On the day of the traumatic event, I was actually gathered at our church for a volunteer celebration.  As the call to prayer came out, and people boldly stood in the gap to pray for her 3-year-old son, I stood, tears streaming pleading to ALL of Heaven to please save her son HERE, NOT there.  I prayed on her, and her husband's behalf to please give them the miracle they were praying for.  To please not break their hearts the way that our hearts were. The tears continued throughout the day and night.  Each night after receiving updates that were promising and uplifting, it was apparent that ALL of Heaven was listening and they were getting their miracle.  Now in this very afternoon she was sharing HOW GOD WAS MORE THAN ABLE to do MORE than any of us could have prayed for or imagined.  Ephesians 3:20. 

My heart was so elated for her, but sadness was creeping as the enemy began to taunt me.  "You'll never share your story, because there is NO miracle to be found."  It was in that exact moment where I heard to strong steady voice of the HOLY SPIRIT, "That's because YOU'RE THE MIRACLE."  HE let me know that though we didn't get the answer to our prayers the way we had hoped for, we've SEEN miracle after miracle in our family, and as lovingly and gentle as HE has always been, HE began to walk me through just how much of a miracle I have witnessed of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS.  HE reminded me on our time spent together.  Where I would cry deep into HIS chest, where HE would lead me beside the still waters, and have me rest in the greenest pastures, as HE would RESTORE my soul.  Psalm 23 

Truly, I am THE MIRACLE, as the enemy attacked me over and over again, starting at the tender age of 2.5 in distorting the TRUTH, so that I would swallow the lies that were being breathed into my soul.  Lies that I couldn't trust anyone, that abandonment, betrayal, and jealousy would be a running theme in every single relationship of my life.  That one day, even after having lost my son, the comparison, the lies would begin to play as the broken record of my life.  In that moment JESUS would step in and rescue me and declare that I AM THE MIRACLE.  So, this leaves me where I am today, saying YES daily to JESUS.  Saying YES to HIS will, HIS way for my life.  Surrendering the pain and letting HIM into the grieving parts of me.  Allowing HIS soothing balm of HIS LIVING WATER to RESTORE me.  Saying YES has changed my life, has challenged me, strengthened me, and revived the once dead and buried PROMISES and TRUTH within me.  Perhaps this is HIS DEEPLY PERSONAL INVITATION that is just.for.you.  Maybe the miracle you've been praying for, waiting for is actually you.  The Renewal of your mind and the transformation of your heart. 

Your SISTER in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather

It's not what you know... It's WHO you know~

Very early in my walk with JESUS I learned the importance of not being spoon fed.  I didn't look to a Pastor or leader to teach me about JESUS, yet when I would read my bible, I would struggle to understand it.  For years I struggled to read HIS word consistently, all the while believing the lie that it wasn't really for me, that I would need someone to teach me. 

This was a theme that followed me for the first decade of my walk with JESUS, that is until I found myself in need of a breakthrough.  I wanted a mind, body, and soul transformation.  I remember where I was when I prayed for that, and I still remember that early morning on May 25,2013 when HE answered my prayer and thus my first round of heart work began, and HIS DAILY TEACHINGS was received.

In my struggle to understand how to apply GOD'S word to my life, I began to share my struggles openly online.  The response I got was overwhelmingly pointing me towards writing a blog to share what I was learning.  After praying and waiting a few days, HE set things in motion, and HIS DAILY TEACHINGS was born.  I remember typing my first post, wondering if it would make any difference at all.  Did I really have anything to contribute to the world when it came to sharing my faith.  Quite honestly, I was just beginning to learn what my faith was.  It's where HE began to create in me HIS FIRM FOUNDATION, it's where HE became the Cornerstone of my faith, and I began to learn HIS PROMISES.

Sixteen months later my faith would be tested to the maximum, and ultimately, I would be leveled, clinging only to HIS PROMISES unsure if I would even survive.  Looking back now all those years ago, I see the starting point at which HE met with me to teach, lead, and guide me.  Where HE filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE of WHO HE is, and that I was HIS.  TRUTH that I would cling to as the Tsunami of sorrow and grief ripped apart our families' lives.  Every relationship would be tested, as the lens of pain was the only thing I could see through, and as time move forward, I would learn just how far back that lens of pain went, and how it skewed my perception of pretty much everything I had ever known or thought to be true.

Still, no matter where my grief took me one thing remained, JESUS was steadfastly faithful to me.  HE NEVER left my side, I could cry out to HIM at any moment that I was hurting, and HE would answer, "I know I'M with you."  It was through my tears of the deepest sorrow where HE taught me to TRUST HIM, to depend ONLY on HIM.   It was in those moments of raw grief that I cried deep into HIS chest, and HE taught me I could lean back into HIS arms, as HE was ALWAYS with me.  I could turn my face into HIS chest as HE would wrap me safely in the shadow of HIS MIGHTY WINGS, and if all that weren't enough for me, HE would lead me right to HIS word and show me where HIS PROMISES were for me.  That I could apply ALL OF HIS PROMISES as HE so lovingly and patiently taught me that HIS PROMISES are indeed HOLY.  HE remained and proved to me over and over again that HE was my ONE TRUE CONSTSANT, that HE was the ONLY LIVING GOD in WHOM I could TRUST.  In WHOM I could truly depend on.  HE taught me how to not only TRUST in HIM, but also to forgive those who had seemingly failed me.  Whether it be in my grief, or even more in my childhood.  

Each morning, I was awakened to HIS mercies being made new as HE continued to fill me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE was for me, NEVER against me.  HE taught me how to TRUST HIM and show me how to "cast my cares upon HIM," and how "Come to ME all who are weary," could be applied to my life.  It was in those times of the deepest pain and sorrow that I learned WHO JESUS was and is for me.  HE loved me in a deeply personal way that only I could understand.  HE taught me how to pray in the SPIRIT, seek HIS wisdom, and how to receive discernment and what to do with it.

These days whenever I hear someone talk about GOD'S word, I'm keen to hear what isn't known, and most of the time it seems as though it's only knowledge of HIS word that seems most important to the flesh, when really, I've learned it's not really about WHAT you know... it's WHO you know.  I've learned that knowing GOD'S word isn't enough, that knowing JESUS is everything.  It's through your deeply personal relationship with THE MESSIAH, LORD and SAVIOR where you begin to understand the NEED for repentance.  It's where the desire to BE LIKE JESUS, LOOK LIKE JESUS, and LOVE LIKE JESUS is cultivated.  It's where I'm no longer interested in proving how much I know, rather being an expert witness of WHO I know HE is.  For I know full well I would have died so many times in my life had it not been for JESUS.  I would have given up after so many people of the CHIRSTIAN FAITH failed to love and support me like JESUS.  I know that had HE not taken the time to teach, lead and guide me to know HIS PROMISES are HOLY, how to cling to them as INFALLIABLE TRUTH, and how to apply them to my life I surely would have lost ALL HOPE.

Knowing JESUS has taught me, I have this HOPE as an anchor for my soul, HIS name is JESUS.  HE IS my ABBA, my CHAMPION, my DEFENDER, my PROTECTOR, my LORD, my SAVIOR, my EVERYTHING.  TRULY I am living proof that THE LORD IS INDEED CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED, Psalm 34:18

May you TRUST the LORD with ALL your heart, may you SEEK HIM, and may you find HIM- HE is waiting for you, to teach, lead, and guide you in a deeply personal way.  All you have to do is say, "JESUS please help me." and when you don't understand, well, HE has a plan for that too....

ALL FOR HIS GLORY~ 

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

Heather

Surrender~

How did I end up here?  In this place where peace that surpasses all understanding is prevalent.  Where grief and joy co-exist.  Where I've finally accepted, well my heart has what my mind already knew.  Seth is gone; he now lives in Heaven and has since the worst day of my life.  Still when I think about that day, I realize it was Seth's best day, because it was his Homecoming, the day where our almost 2-year-old took the greatest journey with Angels and met JESUS face to face. It was the day that Seth stepped into HIS GLORY.   Oh yeah and that's new too.  We no longer dread the week of Seth's birthday, as it's now known as Seth's Homecoming.  For the past 5 years we've been celebrating his precious little yet larger than life.  We celebrate our sweet little Seth Daniel.  For me as Seth's Mama my compassion and empathy for those who are heartbroken has deepened.  It's been a journey for sure, one that took me into the deepest abyss of sorrow and pain.  Where I was plunged into the darkness, and found the sweetest peace and mercy, where I would be rescued and revived in a cascading waterfall of HIS endless grace.  It's where JESUS remained, steadfastly faithful and HIS Daily Teachings continued to flow in me, over me and through me.

Four years ago, this month I stepped into HIS calling for my life to devote my time, talent, and treasures to a ministry known as The Wellsprings of Freedom Ministry.  This ministry would prove to be instrumental in helping JESUS resurrect what died in me on October 13, 2014.   It's where I would receive immense healing and freedom to be HIS LIVING VESSEL to reach the brokenhearted.  It's where I would be equipped with HIS ARMOR, where I would learn "who" I was fighting, how to fight to get FREE, to BE FREE, and to remain FREE.  Daily I'm reminded to go into HIS word in Ephesians 6:10-20 and put on HIS full armor so that I will be able to withstand the evil day.  It's where JESUS met me in the mess of emotions and lies, I was in from the deep unexpected loss of my son.  It's where I would learn there were lies that were breathed into my soul from the time I could remember, known to me as the reoccurring "broken record" in my life.  It's the lies that had followed me around since.... well forever.  It's where I would learn that the enemy's greatest scheme and tactic to keep me trapped in a prison of his lies was to cultivate that same group of lies that had kept me bound and gagged for all of my life.  It's where I would break FREE from being held captive in plain sight.  It's where JESUS met me in the lies of betrayal abandonment, loneliness, sadness, sorrow, pain, guilt, shame, people pleasing, worthlessness, powerlessness, worry, doubt, envy, pride, anger, apathy, greed jealousy, and the list goes on.  It would take four years, and four personal Freedom Sessions just for me to set younger, innocent, traumatized me FREE.  In four sessions I met JESUS in a new and tangible way.  I received a new name, which I now write personally to HIM every single day.

One year ago, I came to a crossroads with my health.  I was suffering from the unhealthiness in my body, and as much as my mental health was improving, I was still attacked every single day with food noise, and every single day was a battle.  Through much prayer, support, and encouragement from both my doctor and my husband I decided that I would accept the tools of support for weight loss.  I'm now one year out and can say I'm 78lbs. down, I'm continuing to learn to how to eat for fuel. I'm learning the imperativeness in understanding consumption.  Not just through food, but through what my eyes see and my ears hear.  I'm learning that if it's not HOLY, HONORING, or PLEASING to HIM, then it isn't making me HOLY I'm learning that the only thing I NEED to consume is HIS DAILY BREAD, through the reading of HIS word, and praying to HIM in ALL things through ALL things.

Losing 78lb.s has been so freeing, but that isn't the most amazing part.  I'm also seven months medication free.  I no longer suffer from CPTSD, fibromyalgia pains, joint and muscle pain.  I no longer sleep with weighted blankets.  I no longer sleep in a trauma response fetal position with tight fists.  I no longer sleep for two hours at a time, I sleep the entire night and wake up feeling well rested and peaceful.  I have the most energy I've ever had in my life.  I'm actively serving within my church, attend regularly and enjoy this life I've been given.

For the past seven months I've been flooded with tangible reminders of HIS goodness, HIS steadfast faithfulness to me that HIS promises are HOLY.  That HE has remained with me; HE has caught and kept every single of my oceans of tears that I've cried because they are so very sacred to HIM.  HE'S reminded me over and over again, that HE is with me always, right there in the middle of my mess.  HE is making a way even when I can't SEE it.  HE has taught me how to pray, how to trust, how to speak, and most importantly how to wait.  TRULY I have SEEN, WITNESSED, EXPERIENCED, and LIVED HIS GOODNESSS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING Psalm 27:13-14

Surrender has brought me to the hardest heart work I've ever faced and that is a HOLY RESPONSE, learning to pray about what angers me, NOT vent what angers me. Surrendering my desire for revenge and want for JUSTICE in the way I "feel" is JUST.  I'm learning to TRUST HIM in ALL things, through ALL things, that VENEGENCE is TRULY HIS and HIS alone.  Surrender is a DAILY CHOICE I'm being given, never rushed, and just loved through.  HE knows what hurts me and why, what has been said.  HE knows what I've endured, and in my humanness, HE meets me, covers me in HIS grace, showers me in HIS mercy's sea, and LOVES me more than I could possibly imagine.

Finally, I'm learning that Salvation is a deeply personal choice given to each of us.  That JESUS will never rush, only remain steadfastly faithful to remind each of us in a deeply personal way that HE is for us, HE is there for us, and has amazing plans for each of us.  That the only question each of us has to answer is "will you trust JESUS, and allow HIM to be THE LORD AND SAVIOR of your life?"

ALL FOR HIS GLORY is why I write, why I've come back to HIS DAILY TEACHINGS blog.   

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather