Monday, March 9, 2015

learning to walk again.....

Well here it is Monday again, and this time it's oddly unfamiliar as I'm not drowning in total sorrow, and drenched in tears as my heart tells me how long its been since I held Seth.  Instead, I am sitting here in my office, after almost an hour of journaling, without shedding one tear.  Instead, I've had a good morning walking and talking with HIM, as HE has begun to teach me what it means to fully TRUST HIM.

HIS Daily Teachings today is me learning to walk again.  HE has been preparing my heart, soul, mind, and body for this transformation for a few weeks now.  I could feel the urge to overcome the awful sorrow I was feeling, but didn't know how.  To be honest the thought of ever being able to feel safe again, or to smile again seemed like it was impossible.  Yet as each day passed me by, things were happening, life was happening, and finally when I had enough of living in the pit of despair, I cried out to HIM to please rescue me, show me what it is to fully TRUST HIM, so that I didn't have be suffering though this immense pain anymore.

For almost a month now I have struggled with just being Mama to my four children here.  What I mean by that is, we have all been under attack by the enemy, and many horrible things have happened to each of us. The more bad things were happening, the more I felt the target on our backs growing.  Almost as if the enemy were keeping a tally on his destruction of our lives.  As though he were receiving some sort of sick pleasure in watching us fall apart, and flee from everyone and anyone that was even remotely happy.  

Last week, I had, had ENOUGH, I wasn't going to take it anymore.  I wasn't going to lie flat on my back, completely cast down, and DIE right where I was.  Yet I didn't know how to even stand, but knew that I needed to.  Well because HE loves me so much, HE made sure that HE placed all the right people in my life to encourage me to stand.  

"Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,  my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11

Today however is different, its not just about standing, rather its about me learning to walk again.  Today HE is pouring into me the image of what it looks like for me to be able to do just that.  Today HE is taking me through scenarios of common occurrences in our home.  Today HE is teaching, leading, and guiding me to prepare me to be able to stand, and to walk. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you;  do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Today HE is teaching me just how to get back on my feet, so that I am able to NOT only be Mama, but to LIVE out loud, my FAITH, my TRUST, my HOPE in HIM, so that I will be able to teach and model for my children what it means to stand, and what it looks like when your learning to walk again.  In all of this, through all of this, HE is wanting my children to remember that when their little brother Seth went HOME to live with JESUS, that is when Mama clung to JESUS, HIS promises, and even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, pain, anguish, and anger, still was able to SEE HIS light, and after a time of rest, learned to stand, and after standing, began to learn to walk again.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

HE is telling me that in order to walk again, I must choose to TRUST in HIS timing.  This is a struggle for me, as well I'm a control freak.  When it comes to the happenings of my life, and my families life, I like to be prepared, I like to have a plan, in other words I HATE surprises!  Especially those that level our family, or cause deep pain, or inflict horrendous pain on our lives.  However, with all that being said, HE knew I would be like that, and HE knew how patient HE would need to be with me to teach, lead, and guide me to the place of where that TRUST exists.  I can honestly tell you that in learning to walk again I can finally begin to understand what that looks like.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6

"But I trust in you, Lord;  I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands; 
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,from those who pursue me." Psalm 31:14-15
HE is wanting me to know that HE SEE's how much I am struggling with the circumstances of my life, and my families life.  HE is telling me that HE has a plan for our lives, and to TRUST HIM, but not only that HE is telling me that I CAN, therefore I must choose to rely on HIS promises.  This is hard for me as well, as growing up many promises were made to me, and were broken.  To be honest, standing in my office on the morning of Seth's Homecoming going all in, and having my heart shattered later that after noon, well to be quite honest, I have struggled with relying on HIS promises, as I "thought" I understood HIS promises to me.  

For almost two years I read my daily devotional about spiritual warfare.  Each day I would read, I gained this confidence that I was in right standing with HIM, and that meant so were my children.  I foolishly "thought"  that because of my FAITHFULNESS to HIM, and my willingness to being ALL in, that somehow we would all be exempt from having to suffer any evil attacks from the enemy.  That HE would come in a save us just in time.  NEVER once did I ever even consider that the challenge was accepted, and the enemy was planning his most cruel and horrific attack on my family and myself.  NEVER once did I ever forsee us having to suffer.... that day was the darkest most scary, heartbreaking, tragic moment of our families lives, as the enemy "tried" to wipe us all out by taking the precious little one sleeping safely in his bed.  

Looking back, and knowing all of HIS promises, and going from what I knew then to what I know now, it's like I've received a new set of eyes.  No longer do I live so carelessly and foolishly in "thinking" that NOTHING bad would ever happen to me, or my family.  Rather my reality is that bad things do happen, the enemy attacks, but HE is SOVEREIGN.  What this means to me is that I CAN TRULY RELY on HIS promises as HE didn't promise that we wouldn't have to suffer, rather HIS word says that because of HIM suffering for us, we must suffer for HIM, for HIS Kingdom.  In other word's GOD's kids don't get an easy life, but they do get a Blessed Life, and do so when finally learning to RELY on HIS promises.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,   for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers,  for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." Matthew 5:3-11

" But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

Right now D and I are in a Season of waiting for HIS answers to our prayers.  We have very specific prayers that we are praying each day.  One prayer being our new home.  We know that HE has a new home already picked out and planned for us to move into.  We TRUST HIM, but waiting is so hard.  The hardest thing that I am currently waiting for is being brought HOME to HIM, so that I will be able to SEE Seth again.  The hardest part about being apart from Seth is  missing him.  Longing to hold him, empty arms....... is excruciatingly hard.... yet I pray and BELIEVE that HE is going to answer my prayers for HIM to fill my arms once again.

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God,
 for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love,
 and he relents from sending calamity.Who knows? He may turn and relent
 and leave behind a blessing—" Joel 2:13-14

I know that I am able to BELIEVE in HIS Miracles as I have experienced them many times in my life.  It is because of my HISTORY with HIM, that I know that I CAN TRUST, RELY, DEPEND, and BELIEVE that HE will do what HE says HE will do, because HE has, is and will continue to do so.  This I BELIEVE because HE has taken so much time to prepare my heart, soul, and mind to SEE and know, LIVE and experience that HE truly is SOVEREIGN, and HE TRULY does know and love me best.

" Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." 2 Samuel 7:28

This past week I crossed over into a threshold of grieving and that is to be able to REJOICE in HIS GOODNESS in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain.  I am able to do this because HE so lovingly took the time to teach me about HIS Perspective, and what that looks like, and how to seek HIM, and HIS vision so when the darkness hovers and threatens to block out HIS light, I would be able to STAND FIRM and RELY on HIS promises that even though everything seems to be going wrong, HE is truly doing a good work in me and through me, and that I can REJOICE in knowing that HIS good will OVERCOME the evil and I will be able to SEE all the good that is coming out of the bad.  I am truly living a life of triumph over tragedy, and beauty from ashes.

" Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws. I have suffered much;   preserve my life, Lord, according to your word. Accept, Lord, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws.Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law. The wicked have set a snare for me, but I have not strayed from your precepts. Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end." Psalm 119:105-112

HE is wanting me to know that one of my biggest struggles is resting, even more so learning to RELAX in HIS presence, as being someone WHO has hard a pretty hard life, I've always been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Living my life, walking a tight rope, waiting for someone to come along and cut the line.  Well when Seth slipped away, that is exactly what happened, only I didn't fall to my death, rather I was caught safely in HIS arms.  I didn't fall apart, I didn't lose my mind, in fact my mind was kept intact, so that I would be able to answers the detectives questions about the happenings of that day.  I know that is is by GOD's amazing grace that our family is safe from any evil that was trying to make its way in to upset the peace that we have all received in knowing that HE is truly in the details.

It has been through HIS power and authority given unto me that I am able to stand and fight with my words against the evil that is "trying" its hardest to wipe out our family, and even more so me.  I know the enemy hates me, and I'm okay with that.  I'm a tenacious fighter, and the one thing that everyone will know when they read or hear my story is that I NEVER GAVE UP, and that is because with each new test, trial, and storm, no matter how big, or how bad, I know that HE is there, and HIS timing, through HIS provision, HE will lead me back to my feet, and with each new step I take towards HIM, and HIS plan for my life, I will be learning to walk again.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"I will go before you and will level the mountains I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron." Isaiah 45:2

" By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night." Exodus 13:21

"The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes" Deuteronomy 1:30

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  not by my own doing, but only through HIM have I received such PEACE about having to live my life without Seth.  Not by my own doing but through HIM, with HIM, am I able to STAND, and TRUST and know that HE will in HIS way, NOT mine, teach me to walk again.  I pray that you if you too are struggling in grief, pain, sorrow, sadness, anguish, or anger that you will know that HE is there, and when you are ready, HE's been ready, and HE will help you take your first step as you too will be learning to walk again, as you choose to TRUST in HIS timing, RELY on HIS promises, WAIT for HIS answers, BELIEVE in HIS miracles, REJOICE in HIS goodness, and RELAX in HIS presence.

much, love, prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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