Sadly that would NOT be the case, and I would endure another four years of hellacious torture at the hands of my step-grandfather. If you were to ask me if anything happened to me ten years ago, I would have denied it, however since it is coming up on the tenth year that I am now celebrating with HIM, as it was when I was 26 that I would be saved by grace.
I had absolutely no intention of writing the blog this morning. Though I have been awake since 3 am, and it's just now 6 am. However, as I am learning with every other aspect of my life, its not my plans HE's interested in. Unsure of what HE was wanting me to write about, I played mindless games on facebook, turned off the worship music I was listening to, and started listening to the songs that I played over and over as young girl, all of which I coveted in wanting so desperately to be my reality.
It wasn't until a half hour ago, that a song by Whitney Houston came on that HE really spoke to my heart. Sitting in the quiet of my office, wanting, longing, to desperately be taken out of this pain that I am in learning to walk again, as I am being forced to live without my precious little boy. I can tell you most mornings where I am struggling with that concept, the last thing on my mind is writing anything. However, this morning was different. As the song began to play, it took me back to my summer of being eleven.... riding my bike, and swinging on the tire swing in the back yard...... knowing..... I was being watched........ knowing what would be waiting for me when my time of respite was over.
"Everybody searching for a hero, people need someone to look up to, I never found anyone to fulfill my needs. A lonely place to be, so I learned to depend on me....." Greatest Love of All, by Whitney Houston
Though I couldn't really sing I remember belting that song out. I remember the more I sang, the more the lies of the enemy spilled like venom from their lips, poisoning my mind a little more with each word that they spoke. They being my grandparents, and particularly the most evil man I have ever known. A man who himself was tortured soul. A man that in being saved by grace I was able to forgive him. A man of whom when I learned of his horrific death, I mourned.......
This morning as I let the lyrics sink deep into my heart, I asked HIM, "why, how LORD, how could I have possibly mourned him? I know I forgave him, but I did that for YOU LORD. If it were up to me, I would have spit on his grave, and shouted obscenities at him..... why LORD, why did I shed tears for him?" The more I thought about it, the more I asked the hard questions, of how and why was I able to forgive the seemingly unforgivable of so many offenses against me........... HIS answer met me right where I was, and spoke deep within my heart of questions, and overwhelming desire to be made clean and pure heart.
"I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believed. And no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity. Because the Greatest LOVE of all is happening to me. I found the greatest, LOVE of all inside of me."
Tears fell from my eyes when I knew this was HIS message for me today. I am learning that HE knows me far better than know myself, and HE knows of my worries and my doubts, looooong before I do. So it doesn't surprise me that on a morning where I was adamant that I wasn't going to write anything, HE has captured my heart once again in remind me of what it means for me to have been saved by grace.
HIS Daily Teachings today is purposely taking me back to show me that in my worries and my doubts, WHY it is that I am where I am today, and HOW I got to where I am. HE is telling me that it has NEVER been by my own decision, other that to say YES to HIM, as HE is the ONE with the PLAN, and its HIS strength that was, is, and will be poured into me to ensure that HIS plan will be lived to the fullest by me. HE is wanting me to know that the world see's things differently than HIM, and that SATAN banks on that to try and trip me up. Even after all these years, HE is telling me that I still don't TRUST HIM completely.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
That is hard for me to know, as I want so desperately to TRUST HIM completely. I so desperately want EVERY single word that are on my lips to be PRAISING HIM, HONORING HIM, and WORSHIPING HIM. However, since I'm human I know that my words are so often less than that. I know that just like this morning, I run away from HIM, I refuse to do the things HE's asked me to do.
Yesterday one of my soul-sisters wrote about how HE chose to parent me. I remember the day that I first realized I was HIS daughter. HE is telling me that is when HE began to teach me, to show me, to guide me HIS ways. HE knew, I didn't, how much time I would take for me to get from where I was then, to where I am now. HE knew all of the tests, trials, and storms that I would have to endure. HE knew of the total destruction, and devastation that I would NOT only survive, but learn to walk again, as I am choosing every single day to LIVE with HIM.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
HE is reminding me that it has only been because I have been saved by HIS grace that I am able to still stand in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain. HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how cheated I feel, how angry I am that all those years ago, when I was ready to give up, I gave in to HIS perfect love, and was rescued, redeemed, and rebuilt STRONG. HE is telling me that HE knows how angry I am that I have come so far, only to be hurt in the worst possible way. HE knows, and HE hurts right along with me.
"The is close to the brokenhearted " Palm 34:18
What I am learning about being saved by grace is that is the only way I am able to endure this life without my precious little boy. I know that it is truly by HIS grace only, that on the worst day of my life, where I screamed, and cried, and begged from the depth of my soul of the most agonizing anguish I have ever felt. Laying in my driveway, cast down, begging for HIM to please, please, please GOD oh GOD oh GOD oh GOD save my SON.... my Sethie..... my baby..... oh GOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!
Reliving that means tears pouring out of my eyes, as I still can't believe that really happened, I really survived that. My other four children survived that. My fourteen year old daughter's best friend survived that.....and the man who tried desperately to save our son, Seth's Daddy, my loving husband D, left in death's aftermath..... so horrendously....... heartbroken......
In being saved by grace is how I am able to breathe, and live, and get out of bed every single morning, and be present with my precious four children. It is being saved by grace that D and I haven't let go of our marriage, as we were left heartbroken, shattered, and so completely alone, as we were both grieving so differently. It is being saved by grace that we are able to go out as a family of six in the worlds eyes, and when people look at us, they see that emptiness, that sadness, a MASSIVE hole in each of our hearts in the shape of our precious little Seth. It is being saved by grace that I am able to share the ugliness of grief, and loss. It is being saved by grace that I am an inspiration. (a word that I am trying my best to graciously accept)
Most of all it is being saved by grace that I am able to stand firm in my FAITH in HIM, to TRUST HIM, to BELIEVE HIS promises to me. It is being saved by grace that I am able to share to openly and candidly about what my life is like in the good times, and in the bad times. It is being saved by grace that I am able to be HIS living vessel, as HIS messenger of HOPE to this broken, full of darkness, lost, lonely world. It is being saved by grace that I am able to let HIS LIGHT SHINE in me and through me for ALL the world to SEE, that even when the unthinkable, the unimaginable happens, HE is still GOOD. Most importantly it is truly being saved by grace that I am able to remain in HIS presence, experiencing HIS JOY, while soaking in HIS PEACE, all because I am LOVED by HIS unending, unfailing, unconditional, relentless PERFECT LOVE.
"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" Luke 1:45
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that if you have yet to experience being saved by HIS grace that you will have the courage to let go of all of what you've known, and seek HIM, ask HIM to come into your heart, as all it takes is ONE loving touch from HIM, to completely turn your whole world around. I pray today that if you have been saved by grace that you will remember when that was in your life, and HOLD TIGHT, and FAST to that knowledge, as that is HIS guarantee that just as HE worked things out for your good then, HE is truly do the same right now in your life. I pray today that you will SEE HIS light shining brightly for you, HIS light which is leading you down HIS path of the GLORIOUS FUTURE HE has planned for you.
Always with love and prayers,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,