Sunday, March 8, 2015

HIS Perfect Love

For the past few days my sleep has returned.  So much in fact I have slept in past seven a.m. and if you know me that is late.  Yesterday I slept till 7:30 a.m., and actually stayed in bed till almost 1 p.m.  For the first time since losing Seth, I didn't get out of bed right away, I didn't spend time with HIM in my office.  Instead I stayed in bed, and had many heart to hearts with D and each of my children.  

I talked with my son about the day that Seth had his seizure and how he turned blue.  He asked me if he was blue when he died..... tough conversations to have with your six year old.  He's very inquisitive.  He told his daddy and I how much he loves Seth, and how much he misses him.  We talked with him about the new home that HE has planned for us. 

 Yes, you've heard it here, we are moving.  Being in our home has proven to be extremely difficult in the healing process.  Everywhere we go we are taken back to that day, and other days that were hard. It has been very challenging to SEE HIS goodness in our home, and because of that, we have been praying as a family that HE would be moving us to a new place to start over, begin again, in a place we know HE has so lovingly CHOSEN for us to live in.

As the hours passed and I remained in bed, each of my conversations I had with my family were building up the the last one I would have and that was with D.  By the time D and I began to talk, I was sobbing.  I was so broken from all the memories, good and bad, and the massive loss that I felt, and the gigantic hole in my heart that invaded our lives on October 13, 2014.  The day that shattered our hearts, and our lives as we knew them were blown away.  

Since then, I have been extremely bitter and angry that my life is NOT what it used to be, NOT just in being Mama........ being Mama was only a portion of being me, being HIS, I lost what that meant as well.  My FAITH has been tested at every level.  I can tell you that where certainty and TRUTH resided was quickly be buried in deep anger, and fear.  

Even though I knew that what I was experiencing was normal, it scared me, as I knew I didn't want to fall into that pit of despair that I had lived in up until almost three years ago.  I knew that I needed to somehow grasp what it is that I am to learn through this season of my life.  I knew that HE was speaking to me, I just wasn't ready to hear from HIM.

This morning as I sit here and think about what has been said to me, prayed for me and over me since the event, the MOST horrific day of our families lives, I am truly SEEING and experiencing where HE has been, is, and WILL continue to be in the details.  If I'm being honest, I've been hearing what it is that I need to know in order to move forward, and walk through this grief with HIM.  Yet even though I have been hearing it, my heart wasn't ready, and well because HE loves me so much, HE knew that ALL that needed to happen was for me to be well rested, and comfortable in a loving conversation with the man who I have spent the last twenty years of my life with.

D spoke, and I trembled, I shook, I sobbed, I was angry...... His words, were HIS words "we as CHRIST followers are called to do the hard..... "  my tears so violently pouring out of my eyes, my anger fiercely defended me, my feelings...... Why am I always the one who has to do the hard?  Why am I always the first one to take the first step?  Why is okay for me to be heartbroken, and hurt by people, and my life, and yet I have to be the strong one?  His words, were HIS words "It's HIS strength, NOT your own, and HE's in the details...... HE knows what your capable of, HE's just waiting for you to realize it!  HE knew that you would be able to overcome this, HE knew that you needed time, but HE knew the TIME that you would understand.  HE has placed me in your life to help you, you aren't alone, I'm here to help you, I know how badly you are hurting, Seth was my son too....... tears fell more softly from my eyes, thinking back to when Seth would come into our room to snuggle, and look at all of D and my pictures from our first date, to first prom, to engagement, to wedding, to when we first became parents, to now..... pictures that tell our love story.  Seth loved our love story.  Memories flooded my thoughts, and tears kept falling, but somewhere in the midst of the sorrow, sadness, and pain, HIS words spoke to my heart, 

I am with you, I will NEVER leave you, I have a plan, just wait, you'll SEE, I have a plan, and it is good.  I know how much you hurt, and when you cry, I cry too, your pain is felt and KNOWN by ME, trust ME, let ME help you, let ME show you, I have a plan, I am with you.

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me back to two weeks ago when a conversation that I had with my pastor really spoke to my heart.  It was after our life group.  I was sitting there feeling so incredibly broken, lost, angry, fearful, and so incredibly unsure of what my purpose was for my life. My pastor say quietly and listened to the words that fell from my lips, and waited until I broke down, and said these words to me, "The bible says Perfect Love casts out all fear, well I think that fear can cast out perfect love, if we take that fear and make it our reality.  Though I couldn't really grasp what he was saying to me then, I can however look back to the past two weeks, and each of the messages that have been either spoken to me, prayed for me, over me, or that I have read in HIS word through devotionals, and HIS word, or songs that have been sung, with or without me.  

It is of NO surprise to me, that HIS words were heard so loud and clear this morning, that HIS love, HIS Perfect Love casts out ALL fear.  HE is wanting me to know that HE NEVER intended for me to live in fear, but rather rest safely in HIS loving arms, to know that HE is fighting for me always.  HE is telling me that HE has been waiting for me to fully understand and grasp what that means for me.  HE is wanting me to know that the struggles that I have had in my life, HE has been there for ALL of them. HIS loving reminder to me is once again today 

Do NOT fear, I am with you, MY perfect love is for you....

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

In hearing HIS words, I can say boldly that once again I'm all in.  HE is wanting me know and understand that HIS Perfect Love is unconditional, unending, unfailing, and relentless.  HE is telling me that it is because of HIS Perfect Love that I, Heather, HIS Daughter, the Daughter of the King, am able to say that I am NOT a victim, I am NOT a survivor, rather with HIM I am more than a conqueror.  HE is telling me that I can TRUST HIS word and know it to be TRUE, because ALL that HE says, has said or will ever say is TRUTH!!!  

HE is telling me that even though I may NOT know that being more than a conqueror looks like, HE does!  ALL HE is asking of me is to TRUST HIM, to REST in HIM, to wait....... for HIS timing... to allow HIS provision to the ONLY GUIDANCE in my life.  HE is telling me that when I come running to HIS arms, they have already been wide open and ready to pull me to HIS chest long before I even think to say that I am running to HIS arms.  Wow..... to know that HE knows and love me so much, that HE knows that I am needing HIS open arms, before I even know I am needing them.... that is how much HE loves me..... I am overwhelmed.....

HIS Perfect Love is teaching me and reminding me that HIS power resides in me.  HIS power lives in me, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT teaching, leading, and guiding my every step, that is how I can be, will be and am, STRONG, BRAVE, COURAGEOUS, more than CONQUEROR ALL because of HIS Perfect Love for me.  HE is telling me once again that with HIM, ONLY HIM, I will overcome the evil which has plans to wipe me out.  Through HIM, with HIM, HE will continue to pour HIS strength into me, HE will continue to guide my every step, by SHINING HIS light BRIGHT for me to SEE.  HE will give me the grace that I need in order to look past offenses, and keep my eyes and heart focused on ONLY HIM.

I am learning that with HIS Perfect love, through HIM, is how I will forgive, love, SEE, and BE HIS living vessel to this dark, fallen, lost, and lonely world, FULL of the last, the least, and the lost.  I am learning that my life is NOT my own, and NOT even about me, but rather about HIM, and making HIS KINGDOM known, through me, for HIS good, NOT because of anything I have ever said or done, but rather because it is written in HIS plan, HIS amazing plans for NOT only my life, but for the lives of WHOM I will encounter, for HIS purpose, on purpose, which IS my purpose.  Today HIS Perfect Love is being poured over me and into me, and I can say for the first time since losing Seth that the heaviness is being lifted, more than lightened, but lifted.

My final though today is this, whether it be three day, three weeks, three months, or three years from now, Seth will still be with HIM.  Even though I don't agree with HIS plan, I TRUST HIS plan, as I know Seth is safe, and he is being so lovingly taken care of, and Seth is SEEING first hand and experiencing LIVING HIS Perfect Love.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  It is my prayer today that you will STOP where you are right now, and just BE STILL, and SEE NOT that you will experience HIS Perfect Love.  I pray that even if you've never spoken to HIM, that you will seek the courage to speak to HIM, as HE is there, HE has been waiting for you.  I pray that you will know that no matter what you may be going through right now, HIS Perfect Love is there for you to know, to rest securely in, to know that HE has a plan, amazing plans for your life.  I pray today is the day that you will feel HIS Perfect Love.

always with love, compassion, grace, and prayers,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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