break

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding,"

Ephesians 1:7-8

This morning the heaviness in my chest was back.  I could feel that HE had something for me to know, to learn, to understand, and to choose to TRUST.  I knew it was something pertaining to my deep overwhelming sadness I am experiencing due to the fact that I feel so incredibly helpless for so many different reasons.  Reasons beyond my control.  Reasons that cause me to cry endlessly, not hopelessly, but helplessly.  Tears that have become my food once again.  Tears that I have stuffed deep inside of me under layers of self-protection.  And then with just a song, HE speaks straight to my heart, "Dear Heart something has to break."  With that the tension built up in my chest releases, and I sigh and the tears stream out of my eyes.

I feel it in this room
Holy Spirit move
Cause when You have Your way
Something has to break
Tear down every lie
Set the wrong thing right
Cause when You have Your way
Something has to break 

Something Has to Break by:

Red Rocks Worship & Essential Worship

Layers of self-protection, bondage through lies of people-pleasing and caretaker.  For self-management of my feelings, as to not be too much.  Constantly walking on eggshells as to not say too much, to be too overbearing.  To not seem aloof to what is happening, but to also not interject the situation with my thoughts and feelings.  Things that I learned to manage so long ago, long before I even know what I was agreeing to.  Self-armor that has to break.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today is showing me how to love myself the way HE loves me, so that I can love others the same way.  In the same way HIS GLORIOUS GRACE has forgiven me, so can I forgive myself, and extend that same grace to those who hurt me.  I'm learning that I can let go of what mistakes I've made in my past.  I don't have to walk around full of apprehension of overstepping, being overbearing, or being to seemingly aloof for fear of becoming over involved.  

HIS GLORIOUS GRACE is being poured out for me, drawing me nearer to HIM, so that I can SEE that what needs to break are the lies that have kept me bound up.  Lies of people pleasing, (having to fear of being my TRUE SELF) fear that lies to me saying that I need to doubt myself, that I couldn't possibly be forgiven, much less would I be able to forgive others, after all the enemy does everything to ensure that I NEVER forget what has been done to me. 

It's as though on a loop a broken record of wrongs, constantly, continuously playing over in my mind and out of my heart that cause me to people please, to manage, and step into the unrealistic expectation of caretaker role.  A role that I assumed at a very young age.  As manager to the happiness and contentment of others.  I was loved through manipulation and control, so I believed that love needed to be earned, it wasn't just received.

This for me was a HUGE challenge to know, to learn, to understand, and even when I did, I still struggled to TRUST HIM, to TRUST HIS WORD.  HE knew and HE met me right where I was, pulling me even closer still.  Covering me in HIS GLORIOUS GRACE showering me with HIS ENDLESS, EVERLASTING LOVE, flooding me with HIS PERFECT PEACE, and waking me each morning with a new song of HIS TENDER MERCIES.  Ever so slowly, and gently, with UNFAILING KINDNESS, HE met me right where I was.  

Continuously, relentlessly, HE pursued me.  Capturing my heart and attention to know HIM even more.  When I was weary, HE led me beside the still waters.  When I grew so tired and couldn't stand, HE gave me rest in the greenest pasture.  When my tears were my food, HE pulled me even closer still, HE held me, until I could breathe again.  HE held me so very close to HIM.  HE NEVER left my side.  HE waited for me to know that I was hearing HIS voice.  

This morning was a continuation of ALL the times where HE has led me through each and every breakthrough.  Knowing this, I am able to TRUST HIM, to know that HE truly does have my back.  HE knows why I am hurting, why I am crying, and why I feel so helpless.  HE knows and HE has plans for ALL of it.  HE knows my heart's desire is to love people well.  Just as HE loves me so well.  HE knows why I struggle, and what keeps me from forgiving, and extending grace to those who have hurt me, or who have hurt those that I love.  HE knows the shame and guilt that has piled up because I have failed in my relationships with people, both in my family and just those whom I encounter.  HE knows how much I wish I could go back and start over, and HE has a plan for that too.

Precious Dear Ones,

Perhaps what needs to break is the lie that you have taken on that (fill in the blank) is your responsibility.  Perhaps HE is letting you know that whatever you have agreed to is NOT what HE asked of you, rather just something you agreed to.  Dear Ones, HE knows how broken-hearted you are by what has happened.  HE knows how unfairly you are treated, and how disrespected you feel.  HE knows the lies spoken about you, the assumptions made about you, and HE knows the unforgiveness you have for those who have hurt you, but even more so the unforgiveness you have for yourself.  HE knows, and HE is there ready to show you what needs to break.  May you seek HIM, and allow HIM to show you, so that you will SEE that HE is working ALL things out for your good, and that HE is leading you through a breakthrough that is just.for.you.

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with deep compassion and empathy, and so much love,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~Heather