prayer is essential

I have now lived almost 11 months medication free.  Free to freely feel all of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions.  What I've come to realize is that I am so very brokenhearted for so many different reasons in my life.  That what I thought was the only way I was truly brokenhearted, has been revealed to me through prayer that I am actually so brokenhearted for more than I could possibly speak about, or quite honestly that I was brave enough to face.

HIS DAILY TEACHINGS today has been a culmination of the past few days, where I could feel HIM pulling me even closer still as I have learned to just let my tears fall.  Tears that for so long I have fought so hard NOT to release, but because I have surrendered to suffering with JESUS, HE is leading me to a place where I feel safe to acknowledge all that has broken my heart.

Yesterday was a day of tears, where I didn't understand as to why I was crying, well that is until I heard HIM say, "Your heart is so broken for so many reasons, and it's okay, I'M here, I know, I SEE you, I love you.  You're NEVER alone, I'M always here with you."  This happened during my daily walk around my neighborhood as I try to walk 1 to 2 miles every day to care for my physical health.  I struggle to work out, but walking is something I've come to enjoy as I listen to worship music, and it's the newest place where I've learned to draw near to HIM and let my tears fall.

On these daily walks with JESUS, I pour my heart out to HIM.  It's where I pray for guidance, I pray for clarity, I pray for peace, and I pray for even more strength.  For my longing for heaven can be so intense at times., Especially when my broken heart is dictating my every waking move.  This I am learning as HE is showing me why I must know, understand, and TRUST the imperativeness that prayer is essential.  

I am learning that it has been through the intentionality that I have met with HIM in our HOLY QUIET PLACE that I have learned HIS voice, so that I would know what thoughts are mine, HIS, or my enemies.  I am being given a daily opportunity to increase my communication with JESUS through the power of prayer, through HIS HOLY SPIRIT.  It has been through daily surrender of the things I don't know or understand, that HE is teaching me the next level of why prayer is essential for me to continue this journey with JESUS.

Truly HE has NEVER left me in the valley.  HE has NEVER left me in a pit of despair.  HIS HOLY SPRIRIT interceded on my behalf through wordless groans.  HE NEVER left my side, even when I felt so very alone.  Even when the pain and agony hid my joy from me, HE held onto it for me.  For HIS perfect timing to gift it back to me.

I still remember one morning where my tears had been my food, as I felt as though I couldn't; remember Seth anymore.  It had been four years since I last held him, and I was devastated that I couldn't remember his voice, his little hands, or our life together.  I was being tormented by my enemy that I only dreamt of Seth, he was never really here, when really, it was to pile on the guilt as what kind of Mama can't remember her baby? I remember being desperate in prayer to "please help me to remember Seth, JESUS."  Crying to the end of my soul, I heard HIM speak to my broken heart, "I'M holding your memories for you until you're ready to SEE them."

HE knew, just how much it hurt me to remember.  HE knew how hard I was fighting to remain living.  HE knew and remained steadfastly faithful with me, and for me.  HE held me close, as I cried out over and over to HIM, "I hurt JESUS, I don't know how not to hurt anymore."  HIS response, "I know, I'M here, I'M with you, I'M NOT leaving you."  Those are the most precious, tender moments of raw ugly grief that I have.  Times where I was crying so much, I couldn't breathe., where I wanted to end it all.  Where I fought so hard to NOT give up, or give in.  HE knew, HE heard my cries for help, and now looking back I am understanding and TRUSTING even more that prayer is essential and vital for my relationship with JESUS.

Truly HE has taken so much time, gently cultivating a deepened TRUST within me for HIM.  Truly HE is indeed so very close to the brokenhearted, and for this very reason, I know that HE is letting me experience my broken heart without the shielding from shock or medication to feel all that hurts me.  Not to punish or torment me, but rather to show me how to cry out to HIM, to draw near to HIM, and TRUST that HE will draw nearer to me.  This I know is to solidify my TRUST in HIM for HIM that indeed prayer is essential.  

Looking back on the days where I was in the darkest, deepest depths of despair, HE gave me one more breath to pray for even more air to breathe.  When my tears were all, I knew, HE flooded me with HIS perfect peace, that allowed my tears to lessen.  When my mind couldn't fathom how or what to do next, HIS grace was sufficient enough for me to pray even more.  Truly I have learned that there is indeed NO condemnation for those WHO are in CHRIST JESUS - -Romans 8:1 So much I have learned because of HIS STEADFAST FAITHFULNESS to teach, lead, and guide me to know HIM, to understand HIS word, to show me how to apply HIS word to my life, and to deepen my TRUST in HIM, for HIM, that I may not know how, or SEE how, but with HIM, I can and will do the seemingly impossible.

So this is me, reminding myself once again of HIS GOODNESS that even though I am still so very brokenhearted, for more reasons that I am able to write about, one day, that too HE will Redeem, and Oh what a glorious day that will be.  Until then, I'll keep TRUSTING HIS DAILY TEACHINGS, consuming my portion of HIS DAILY BREAD, and I'll keep praying, waiting, being still, going where and when called.  I will keep writing, speaking and sharing. I will hold tight to HIS TRUTH that prayer is essential.

Precious Dear Ones,

Even though no one else may know, HE does.  HE knows and HE is there with you, to help you, hold you, and HIS plan is to heal you.  HE delights in you and loves to hear your voice cry out to HIM.  HE is there ready to draw you nearer to HIM.  HE wants to teach, lead, and guide you to know, to understand, to TRUST HIM that prayer is essential.  Dear Ones, if you don't know how to pray, well HE has a plan for that too, as it's written in HIS WORD, modeled to you, by JESUS. Matthew 6:9-13.  May today be the beginning of a new life for you to draw near to HIM and feel HIM draw nearer to you.  James 4:8

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

Always with the deepest compassion, understanding, and empathy,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS

~Heather