"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
"When you base your life on JESUS, when you dig deeply into HIS word, you will find HOPE on the hardest days."
Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional
My hardest days have been the mundane Tuesdays of my life. It's been the days where nothing and everything is wrong. The days where I can't explain or describe why I feel the way I do. The days where tears well up in my eyes and fall like rain. Days where something as simple as a sock can cause a tsunami of grief triggers to come crashing all around me. Those are the days I loathe and make me homesick for heaven. Those are the days where I cling to JESUS because my life truly depends on HIM.
I still remember the first time I learned of HIS HOLY PROMISE of Jeremiah 29:11. To be honest it created in me a surface level faith. As I was oblivious as to what I just might have to face or go through. This is because I "thought" the reason all the horrible things that had happened to me was because I didn't know HIM then. Well now (when I was 26, I was walking with CHRIST so everything would truly work out for my good.)
Little did I know that living with oblivious understanding to HIS TRUTH would level my faith. As 10 short years later, I would learn in the hardest of ways, that we aren't promised tomorrow, and that suffering was inevitable for everyone. I learned in the hardest of ways just how vital a relationship with JESUS would be so that I would survive the worst day of my life.
Looking back to 12 years ago, there's so much I didn't know, that I couldn't' possibly understand Living in oblivious thinking, and understanding created in me a false sense of security. I had some deep roots, understanding of WHO HE was, and I was starting to grasp WHOSE I am. Still, I wasn't prepared for what would happen during the darkest, hardest season of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for the excruciating agony I would endure. Nothing and no one could have saved me from the overwhelming sorrow I would feel. No one could have met me in my blinding anger of feeling betrayed by GOD, as how the hell could Seth dying, my son dying be a part of the plan? Quite frankly GOD where the hell are you?
I was beyond heartbroken, but even more I was so angry at GOD, as I couldn't SEE how anything would ever be good again. The angrier I let myself get, the closer HE pulled me to HIM. Even as I beat my fists into HIS chest, crying over and over, begging and pleading for HIM to please come back, please give me back my Sethie, my baby. I didn't know how to pray anymore, I couldn't read my bible, I could only pour out my ocean of tears soaking into the pages (I ruined an entire bible) of which I kept as living proof that HE catches and keeps every single one of my tears.
I wanted to give up on HIM, and HE wouldn't give up on me. Instead, HE met me right where I was, HIS grace was like an avalanche that encompassed me. HIS peace flooded every part of me, and HIS tender mercies were made new for me each and every morning. I was battle-weary, I was worn out, so tired of crying, and I hated living with a broken heart. I struggled to keep my head up and felt myself falling further into the pit despair.
Still, I clung to JESUS - as I knew HE was vital for my survival. I clung to HIS PROMISES as HIS word was what HE planted deeply, firmly, and cultivated for 10 years before I would have to truly depend on it. Those deep roots are what kept me clinging to what was vital to keep me from giving up on my life. I wanted to quit, I wanted to give up, still I clung to JESUS, and I waited.
Seven years into suffering I would TRUST HIM enough to surrender even more, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me once again. I would learn to fight, with HIS WORD which is the sword of HIS HOLY SPIRIT Ephesians 6:17 by putting on my helmet of Salvation, so that my mind would be protected. I would then learn how to fight to GET FREE, to BE FREE, to STAY FREE. I would learn just how vital my total dependence and TRUST in JESUS was for my life.
"GOD has a plan only you can fulfill. HE has a task specifically designed for you to undertake. And HE promises that HIS plan is for your good, to bring you peace and hope in your days."
Daily Wisdom for Women Devotional
I am HIS LIVING VESSEL, HIS tangible proof of HIS goodness. As I have experienced this very TRUTH, as I have learned just how vital it is for me to know (mind) understand (heart) TRUST (out of your heart) HIM so that I am able to do what HE calls me to do. I am living proof that there is HIS GOODNESS IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING even while living a life after child loss. I've survived the unimaginable loss because of JESUS. Because HE has been my everything.
I have not only just survived, but also I have learned to live to THRIVE because HE has been so STEADFASTLY FAITHFUL to REMAIN with me, even when I was angry. Even when I pushed HIM away, even when I hated HIM, even when my words were so far below honoring to HIM. HE remained, HE held me, and let me cry deep into HIS chest, HE took all of my anger.... all of my tears.... which at times I was certain I would bust in half from the intensity of crying to the end of my soul. HE remained when I wanted to end it all, as all I wanted was the pain to end. Through it all, no matter how I felt, HIS TRUTH stayed the same, HE was for me, NEVER against me. HE had a plan for all of it, even when I refused to TRUST HIM, well HE had a plan for that too.
I couldn't fathom the life I am living now, well that is until I HE takes me back and reminds me of the many prayers I prayed in asking for the life I am living now. The only difference is, the plans HE has for each of my children, well HE didn't consult me on those, and HE is asking me TRUST HIM with ALL of it. So instead of being angry that I'm not being consulted, I know, understand and TRUST to pray for my children. To pray that they too will know, understand and TRUST just how vital their deeply personal relationship with JESUS is for each of them.
Precious Dear Ones,
HE knows the plans HE has for your life. Plans that are deeply personal and just.for.you. Plans that require your willingness to submit, to repent, to surrender to HIS will for your life. Dear Ones, HE knows your apprehension, and why you have it. HE understands, and HE has a plan for that too. Nothing is unbeknownst to HIM, even when your angry with HIM, even when and WHY you don't TRUST HIM. HE was there then, and HE is there now, for ALL the days of your life. HE was there when you stopped praying, when deep loss entered your life and your suffering began. HE knows, and HE loves you. I pray you will seek HIM and ask HIM to be the LORD and SAVIOR of your life. I pray that you too will know, understand and TRUST that HE is vital for your faith, and your life.,
ALL FOR HIS GLORY
With so much love, compassion, understanding and deep empathy,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS
~Heather
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