Honestly now..... I don't know how to feel other than fearful of ever even thinking about uttering those words again...... so boldly, courageously, fearlessly....... I'm struggling to even write this morning the vast array of emotions that are pouring out of me as the result of going all in. Truthfully in even thinking about saying those words, great fear wells up inside of my heart...... as my reality is when you say your all in the true test comes not in be able to say that, but rather that when your FAITH gets tested you are still able to say that no matter what happens in your life, you still trust GOD and you have fearless FAITH.
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong" 1 Corinthians 16:13
"When we have fear in our hearts, that is a sign that we still lack knowledge of how much GOD loves us." Joyce Meyer "Healing the Brokenhearted"
This statement is so me...... I have total fear in my heart to even think about saying those words again. This is not to say that I don't TRUST HIM, but rather that I only trust as far as my knowledge goes. My knowledge is that my reality is that I live in a world where death truly exists. Not only does it exist, but it came right into my front door, crept up the stairs and into my sleeping son's room, and robbed us, cheated us, our family out of a lifetime of precious moments to be lived to be experienced to hold tight, to cherish as precious memories...... I live in a world where every mother's worst nightmare came true....... the worst thing that could possibly happen...... did...... and now, well all we can do is try to rebuild in the aftermath of the most horrific event of our lives.
"Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,I will always show you where to go.You’ll be like a well-watered garden,You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,ou’ll be known as those who can fix anything,make the community livable again." Isaiah 58:12 The Message Bible
As each day passes I struggle immensely with fear as being in full surrender scares me. Even though I know HIS promises to me, I am so deeply wounded, and its hard to even fathom that in HIS timing there will come a day where I won't ache and hurt so deeply and badly for the massive loss of our sweet precious little son Seth. Oh how I long for that day....... how I wish, hope, wait, and pray, minute to minute that relief would wash over me, relief from the deepest, most painful anguish, sadness, sorrow, pain, and tears that I have ever known in my life.
"but those who hope in the They will soar on wings like eagles;
Everywhere I go I am reminded of my loss, and I am reminded how I am NOT in control. In those moments I hear that still, calm, quiet voice that speaks volumes to my aching, wounded heart that HE is SOVEREIGN. In those moments I try so hard to stay focused on HIS voice and NOT let whatever is triggering me to completely fall apart, as I feel as if though I'm being stabbed in my already shattered heart.
"Our God is a God who saves;
The is close to the brokenhearted
My reality is that I am in the deepest ocean I have ever known........ daily I am in that ocean, clinging for dear life to HIS word, HIS promises, HIS truth, wanting, needing, desperately for GOOD to be revealed to me, in small proportions as anything big will overwhelm me. Daily I find myself have to say a million times that HE has got this, HE has me, HE loves me, and HE will protect me. Not only do I say that for me, but also for my children.
"Because he loves me,” says the , “I will rescue him;
Because he loves me,” says the , “I will rescue him;
I can't begin to tell you the heartache that is felt for each of my children when they breakdown from their deep anguish in losing their precious baby brother. We all cry so deeply when someone says that we lost our sweet little Seth who was two.......... when the truth is we didn't get to experience that. That is one of the hardest pills for us to swallow, as on the day that we planned Seth's celebration of Life, is when he would have been two. Instead of him blowing out his candles, opening his presents.... D and I found ourselves sitting in an office at a funeral home surrounded by my brother, sister in-law, father in-law, my pastor, his wife, and an angel of a woman who would help us plan the most honoring celebration of Life for our precious little son Seth. Our reality is that we were all robbed of seeing him turn two, forever he will be our precious one year old.
"Blessed are those who mourn,
Each morning that I wake up I realize that another day has been given to me, and that I have to do my best to cope, accept, and embrace that what has happened, really did happen, and somehow, someway, through HIS timing and provision, I will be able to get through the day, in choosing to LIVE for HIM, and LIVING well for HIM. As each day is gifted to me there comes an understanding that means that I get to choose whether or NOT I'm going to TRUST HIM completely, or try and go the day alone, just me, as I don't have fearless FAITH.....
"The has done it this very day;
Sadly there have been many days where I have pulled away from HIM, but NOT intentionally seeking HIM with every situation, and have tried in vain to rely on my own strength, and my own understanding, as the very thought of going all in and TRUSTING HIM with fearless FAITH terrifies me. That very thought brings me to my knees, and makes me cry if even possible....... more.......
"Trust in the with all your heart
There are days where I wake up feeling the most HOPE that I have ever known, in knowing that Seth is in HEAVEN with HIM, and that he is okay, he has been rescued and he is safe...... I am reminded of that daily as I SEE how much my other son struggles, and how the enemy torments him daily.... It is on those days where my anger boils up, and sometimes over as it's hard enough to see my son in total anguish over losing his little brother, but to have to watch him struggle with everything else, well it honestly breaks my heart, and with each new day full of heartbreaks I find myself being pulled further away from living with fearless FAITH.
"See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:10
With each day that has passed for almost four months now, HE has been there, holding me, catching every single one of my tears. HE has drenched me in HIS grace, and flooded me with HIS peace. In the moments where I have cried so hard that I was afraid of breaking in half, or that I would die from crying so hard, HE has wrapped me up in HIS arms, and poured the most astonishing amount of strength in me to just hold on, to cling to HIM, to TRUST, to know, that even though I may not SEE it right now, HE does indeed have a plan, and that it's okay for now that I don't understand HIS plan, or that I don't have fearless FAITH. HE is letting me know that in my brokenness is HIS strength. HE reminds me daily that HIS JOY is there for me to receive, to live with, to take comfort in that NOT even the enemy could rob me of HIS JOY.
"Record my misery;
The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." 1 Timothy 1:14
"The is my strength and my shield;y heart leaps for joy,
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I read this saying once that said "when you are so full of sorrow, JOY flees, and hides from you" This is so true for my life. Though I know that HIS JOY is always there, I don't SEE it as all I can SEE is the pain, the anguish, the heartache, the loss, the aftermath...... the total destruction of our families lives. Oh how I long to have, and live with fearless FAITH.........
"This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10
Another day is upon me, and because HE loves me HE has given me the choice, I get to choose between HIS HOPE, and Satan's garbage dump full of lies that I am hopeless, my situation is hopeless and I might as well give up now, and surrender to the defeat...... Today I am choosing HIS HOPE, in knowing HIS truth, that HE is there, HE will help me, and with HIM and through HIM I can, and will experience living with fearless FAITH. Today I am choosing for HIM to be the ONE WHO will teach, lead, and guide me because I know, feel, and experience HIS deep love for me. Today I am clinging to HIS promises that HE will NEVER leave nor forsake me..... EVER....
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19
"Be strong and take heart, all you who ." Psalm 31:24
"We wait for ; he is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20
"I wait for , my whole being waits, and his word I put my ." Psalm 130:5
"But as for me, I watch for , I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that you will read of my transparency, that even in walking so intimately with CHRIST JESUS you won't have it all figured out and that is okay, as HE does, and in HIS timing through HIS provision HE will lead you victory in overcome your fear, and you too will be able to live out your life with HIM with fearless FAITH. I pray that you will know that if you are hurting, HE is there and is waiting for you to open your heart to HIM, and allow HIM to take those hurts from you. I pray that if you don't already know, or haven't already experienced it, HIS amazing love, and grace are all you need, and with HIM and through HIM you can get through anything, and with HIM all things are possible.
many prayers of love and blessings,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,