Saturday, February 28, 2015


Twenty is the number of days that it took for the enemy to "try" and overtake me. Twenty is the number of days where I have laid around my house in complete and total anger at the world, at myself, at GOD, at everything.  Twenty is the number of days I have ate a TON of junk food wallowing in my self pity.  Twenty is the number of days where I have fled from HIS word, HIS promises, and allowed myself to be lead straight into a pit of despair. Twenty is the number of days that it took for me to forget WHOSE I am.  Twenty is the number of days where I have fallen prey to the enemy lies, and began to speak them. Twenty is the number of days where HE made sure my soul-sisters were there to speak and breathe HIS word into me.  Twenty is the number of days where I wasn't able to praise or worship HIM due to my complete and total anger towards HIM.  Twenty is the number of days where I have been so angry at my life, that I have repeatedly said I hate my life. Twenty is the number of days where I have cried the most ugly horrific lonely tears of complete and total anguish at the cruelness of my life.  Twenty is the number of days is all it took for me to lose focus.  Twenty..........

My first thought this morning was "Power Thoughts" NOT Seth like it has been for almost twenty weeks now.  No, my first thought was that of HIS voice speaking straight to my heart, in reminding me that my mind is indeed a battlefield.  Realizing what that meant, I went straight to my office, found my devotionals, poured my heart into my journal, and began to read what HE wanted me to know in that very moment.

As soon as I opened my first devotional I read, "I will be your defense and refuge."  Just reading the title spoke VOLUMES to my heart, as that is exactly HIS message that HE has been speaking to me through my soul-sisters for the past twenty days.  To be honest this was the first time in the last twenty days where I really felt HIM speaking straight to my heart.  Not only that, but it is the first time where I have felt any real comfort in HIS word.  To be honest, I have really been in the mode of fake it till you make it with my FAITH, my TRUST, and my BELIEF in HIM.  

In speaking with transparency, I have been so far from HIM and HIS word, that I have chosen to NOT trust HIM, as I have allowed the enemies lies to penetrate my heart, and allowed fear from TRUSTING HIM, as I felt as if though if I were to keep choosing HIM I would have a target on my back.

Twenty is the number of days where though I never renounced my FAITH,I stalled on the path and pulled away from HIM in fear of what the enemy may do to me next.  Fear that if I fully surrendered to HIM, how much more would I have to lose??? With that ugliness, bitterness, hatred, anxiety, loathing, and jealously began to take up residence deep inside my heart.  

It wasn't until this morning that I realized that in choosing to walk away from HIM, I had unknowingly allowed the enemy to set up camp inside my heart, and slowly allowed him to take over my mind.  In just twenty days all the security, comfort, and safety that I felt, even in the first few hours of losing Seth, were gone.  

Thankfully HE loves me way too much to ever let me keep fleeing from HIM, without HIM calling my name in many different ways, until HE finally got my attention.  I can tell you this morning, that HE has captured my attention once again.  Just in reading my two devotionals, HIS word, has truly been the lamp unto my feet.  

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

As soon as I read my first devotional, and was reminded of HIS amazing promises that HE will, and is always my shelter and refuge from the storm, HE took HIS Daily Teachings even further and let me know that the storm that I thought I was in was losing Seth, when really the storm I am in is my anger from losing Seth...... More importantly my anger towards HIM, my unforgiveness to HIM for allowing Seth to die..... my anger of "how could you do this to me LORD, after everything I have done for you....... my anger of what more do you want from me???? Why didn't you let me save Seth????  Why did I have to be the one who found Seth lifeless??? Why did you allow me to experience that???  How in the hell am I supposed to recover from this loss????  The loss of my precious little one year old son....... whom I miss terribly, and have been tortured for the past almost twenty weeks now of the constant reminder of my membership to the most horrific club known to mankind.  A club where once becoming a member, it is a lifetime membership, one of which you can NEVER leave...... a membership that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy..... losing Seth...... allowed the enemy to gift me with the most horrific, agonizing pain, sorrow, sadness, and anguish that I have ever known.  The most painful sorrow, and grief that shattered my heart into a billion pieces, where anger seeped deep into my heart, and HIS JOY was robbed right from me. 

"This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

Twenty is the number of days where it was enough for the enemy to ensure that all of my time,emotions, and energy would be focused on how I have suffered.  Time to dwell on the fact the HE allowed the enemy to take away my son....... time to know and understand that what HE had allowed was truly an act of pure evil that the enemy had hoped would wipe me off the face of the earth.  When he realized that didn't do it, he began to come at me with all that he had with his lies, manipulations, anger, and hatred for me, and waited... waited till I became vulnerable...... waiting, and prowled and began to feast on my security that I felt with HIM, and slowly devoured every ounce of my strength to fight him off.  In those Twenty days he breathed his lies into me constantly until feeling completely and utterly spent, weary, and weak from the blinding pain that I have endured for over four months......  ALL of my hatred, and anger was placed on HIM.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

While all that was going on, HE was doing a mighty good work in me, to restore, renew, refresh me, to prepare me to STAND, NOT even fight, but just to STAND on HIS truth, HIS promise for my life.  To HEAR HIS whispers so I would then be able to heed HIS whispers. HE was preparing my heart to know and to trust HIM fully with ALL of my life, meaning ALL of my heart, soul, and mind by giving me much needed rest by letting me just take complete and total comfort in HIS embrace.  

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion  until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

The other day I received a text from my soul sister M, and to be quite honest, her words stung..... something fierce...... Today however, I know without a doubt they were spoken while she was being HOLY SPIRIT led to speak HIS truth to me, even though it was hard for me to hear.  Even though I read her text over and over, I couldn't understand WHY she would say those things to me.  Thankfully because of HIS great love and relentless pursuit for me to NOT only KNOW HIM, but to TRUST HIM fully with ALL of me.  To just rest, peacefully in HIS presence, as HE drenches me in HIS grace, and floods me with HIS overwhelming peace.  All so that I would know that HE knows how weary and tired I am from crying, from mourning, from suffering.  HE knows......

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;  my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

Twenty is the number of days that it took for HIM to speak to me through many messages of HOPE, about suffering.  Yesterday another one of my soul-sisters N spoke HIS truth through just a hashtag on a Facebook post where I was completely transparent about where I was at in my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  She left a heartfelt message of understanding about suffering, and season of hardship.....  today I take great comfort in what she wrote...... #sufferbravely.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

Twenty is the number of days it took for me to really hear HIS word, and HIM getting straight to the matters of my heart.  Through today's Power Thought HE let me know that it was time to let go of my anger towards HIM, in letting me know that NOTHING I could ever say or do will EVER make HIM love me any less.  NOT only that, but that HE isn't surprised at what I have said, or done, as HE created me, and HE knows, loves, and cares for me more than anyone in this entire world.   

"The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

Todays Power Thought is:  Take Control of Your Anger....... Yikes!!! Oh how I needed to be reminded of that.  To be reminded that just because I felt a certain way, doesn't mean that I have to act on those feelings.  HIS loving reminder to me today that I am in control of my emotions, they are NOT in control of me.  HIS loving reminder to me that HE has given me self-control and that means that just because I am hurting from losing, and missing Seth doesn't mean I have to give into the emotions of anger by cursing, being hateful, spiteful, bitter, and jealous..... all of which sadly I have been for the past Twenty days.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." Ephesians 4:31

" Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it." Titus 1:8-9

Today marks Twenty days of walking in almost pure darkness.  Today I am choosing to stand firm in my FAITH, and TRUST and KNOW, that HE is for me, and NOT against me.  Today I can say that I have decided to follow JESUS and there is NO turning back. Today my SPIRIT is being renewed, and HE is pouring HIS word deep into my heart, as HE leads me, teaches me, and guides me on this path, this journey of life, that though it is full of hurts, and loss, is also full of HOPE, JOY, LIGHT, LOVE, STRENGTH, GRACE, and PEACE.

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, honestly it is my prayer that if I can go through losing my son, and all of the other things that I have suffered through in my life, and know that HE is there, HE loves me, and I trust HIM, well I pray that gives you HOPE. I pray today that HIS message of HOPE is there for you in my writings, in my transparency of where I am right now, and in knowing where I am, is all because I know WHOSE I am.  I pray today that if you don't have the strength to STAND, that you will sit quietly in HIS presence, seek HIM, and allow HIM to drench you in HIS amazing grace, and flood you with HIS overwhelming, endless peace. Today I pray that you too will choose to #sufferbravely.

Always in love and compassion, blessings to you,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

No comments:

Post a Comment