Monday, February 9, 2015

Losing Seth

Its not very often in my writings that I have shared any names of my family, or friends, however I feel the utmost importance of sharing who my precious little son is.  My Son Seth was born on October 15, 2012 and went home to be with JESUS on October 13, 2014. Losing Seth has changed our families life, from our FAITH in GOD, to each of our relationships with each other, as we are all trying to figure out who each of us are now that one of us is missing.

Today marks seventeen weeks since he was called home.  Seventeen weeks since Seth's angels saw the face of GOD and were sent to rescue him from the evil clutches of death, and bring him safely home to the arms of JESUS. Seventeen weeks that Seth went from being held safely in the loving arms of his oldest sister, to be laid down in his little bed, only to wake up for a brief moment to speak his last words of "my Mama" to falling back asleep safely in his bed.

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:10

Seventeen weeks that I would check on him at 2 p.m. and SEE that he was sleeping, and said a silent prayer of protection and healing, as we knew he was teething, because he wasn't eating that day. Seventeen weeks were I would lie down to rest, on the same wall as Seth, never to hear a thing, to be awoken at 4 p.m. and prompted to check on Seth.  

"Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me" Psalm 30:2

Seventeen weeks where my heart has been ripped from my chest, our lives were shattered. Seventeen weeks of living in the aftermath of the most horrific event our family has ever had to endure.  Seventeen weeks of falling apart, our FAITH being tested, and relationships being shaken to their core.  Seventeen weeks of clinging for dear life to our FAITH that has kept us  all ANCHORED to HIM. 

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" Hebrews 6:19

Seventeen weeks spent in an ocean, so deep, so vast, so wide, with NO shore in sight. Seventeen weeks of hoping, praying, waiting, to be rescued, relieved, restored from this hell on earth living nightmare that is what we now call life.  Seventeen weeks where our reality is now a life with a harsh knowledge that the worst that could happen, did happen, thus leaving this horrendous fear of the future, and sadly even the present.  Seventeen weeks of waiting for the worst to happen again......

Before Losing Seth I "thought"  that I was protected from having to suffer anymore in my life.  After all, hadn't I suffered enough in the first half of my life.  Surely HE would cover me in HIS protection, and would ensure me to live a peace filled life.  I "thought" that my FAITH was strong, and that I could really get through anything life threw at me.  Never once thinking that I would ever lose one of my children.  Foolishly "thinking" that as long as I remained FAITHFUL in my walk with HIM, HE would cover me, and NOTHING bad would happen to me, or to my children.  

Before Losing Seth I "thought" I knew and understood that each of my children are HIS most precious gift to me, and that each of them were entrusted to me as I was CHOSEN to be their Mama.  I "thought" that as long as I taught each of them HIS word, and poured HIS word into each of their lives, as long as I stay true the promise that I would raise them to be HIS warriors, then that somehow would guarantee that NONE of us would ever have to suffer as our family has in the past.  I really "thought" our time of suffering was over.....

Before Losing Seth I "thought" I had received HIS most precious gift of HIS children, that they were HIS and that just meant that I would go to HIM for everything, and that I would do NOTHING without HIM.  I "thought" that was my calling, my purpose, HIS plan for my life, to just be Mama, and raise a family of arrows for HIS army.  Never once did I think that HE would call one of HIS arrows home so soon in our life together.....

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man  whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court." Psalm 127:3-5 NIV

"Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? the fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth.Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you; you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep." Psalm 127:3-5 The Message Bible

Before Losing Seth I "thought" I understood what it meant to be a true CHRIST follower.  I "thought" all I had to do was obey HIS word, speak HIS word, and live HIS word, and somehow I would, and my children would be covered in HIS protection.  I was so focused on all that I was doing, "thinking" that as long as I stayed true to HIS character, in doing what HE tells me to do, obeying HIS commands, I would, and my children would live a long, protected, safe life.

Before Losing Seth I "thought" nothing could ever, or would ever overtake me, as I had learned, and was learning daily that HE is indeed Sovereign.  I "thought" that in knowing that HE was Sovereign, that meant that as long as I could endure my life's circumstances, as best as I could, all I would have to do is hold fast to HIS character, and model it well in knowing that HE had me covered.  I really "thought" it was all about how much I was doing.....

Before Losing Seth I "thought" all in was just a saying, NOT a state of being.  I "thought" that in saying that I was all in meant that I would do whatever HE called me to as far as forgiveness and love meant for other people.  Never would I have imagined that all in would mean that I would have to suffer with the deepest most painful anguish I have ever known....

As I have written earlier, I, we, my precious family and I no longer live in before, we now live in the aftermath of Losing Seth, which is hands down the most difficult, excruciating pain that any of us have ever had to endure.   

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me from all of thinking from before, and bring me into the aftermath of NOW, where Losing Seth, has now become our most difficult part of our journey as a family in Missing Seth, to rebuilding our life without him.....

There are days where I am not sure how I will possibly survive, much less live another moment with the pain that our family has endured.  The deep sorrow, sadness, pain, and anguish that I now feel is NOT just of my own, but rather each of my precious children and loving husband, WHO are too struggling with their own grief from the anguish that they feel from Losing Seth, to now Missing Seth.  These are the days where HE drenches me in HIS grace, and floods me with HIS peace.  These are the days where HE wraps HIS arms around me, and speaks HIS promises to me through songs, hugs from friends, family, texts, cards, letters, phone calls, all designed specifically for me so that I would NOT only know of HIS great love for me, but so that in the darkest times, the times of the deepest sorrow I would experience HIS great love for me.

For the last seventeen weeks I have been clinging to HIS word, HIS promise that I will be comforted in my time of mourning.  Failing to SEE and know what that really means for my life.  That is until the challenge was issued at church to read the Sermon the Mount that JESUS gave in teaching how to be apart of HIS Kingdom, and how to live in HIS Kingdom. From last night's reading, to this morning HIS word has wrecked me.  HIS word has challenged me to examine my FAITH in its entirety.  

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

" “You’re blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4

HIS word has wrecked me because before Losing Seth I thought I understood that HE was the ONE I loved them most, however in Losing Seth I was so focused on my loss, that I failed to SEE HIM there SHINING HIS light for me to guide my way.  I failed to SEE and to, to acknowledge that the same GOD who delivered me, rescued me, redeemed me, loved me, was STILL that very SAME GOD.  That NOT only did HE take me through a massive breakthrough from my past, but that HE would do that and more in my Losing Seth.  HIS promise to me this past weekend is simply this:

"My darling daughter Heather, never once have I left you, nor will I EVER leave you.  I have you, I have a plan, I know it hurts now, but soon you will SEE that all that I am doing is for good.  I promise that on the days where the pain is too deep, I will be there, to lessen it.  I promise that when you cry, I will catch every one of your tears.  I promise that when you pray I hear every single one of your prayers.  I know of your fear to let go, and go all in, TRUST ME I am there, I love you, I will help you, just lean on ME, press into MY grace, soak in it, and I promise I will relieve you of this mourning full of sadness, sorrow, pain, anguish, and tears.  I promise you that MY JOY is there for you, TRUST in ME, REST in ME."

Once again I am blown away by HIS great love for me, in SEEING just how FAR HE will go to ensure that I know and understand HIS word, so that when I am in NEED of HIS promises, I will be able to cling to them, as I have read them, spoke them, and soaked in them, so that when I find myself far out into the ocean of pain, anguish, sorrow, sadness, and tears, I would know to reach up, and HE would pull me safely out of the ocean into HIS arms, where I would find the greatest shelter and refuge I have ever known.  

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

I have learned that on the days where the tears won't stop, HE catches each and every single one of them.  That when my eyes physically ache from crying so hard, HE floods me with HIS peace, and through HIS healing touch gives me the much needed rest that I am needing in order to be fully restored to ensure me that when the next wave hits, I will be strong enough to survive, all because of HIS strength that HE pours into me.  

I am learning that my life, HIS purpose doesn't start with me doing, rather its about me being with HIS blessed assurance of knowing WHO I am, because I know WHOSE I am. Being simply means I am HIS, I am CHOSEN by HIM, as HIS DAUGHTER, to live this life that was written specifically, beautifully just for me.  A life full of HIS GRACE, PEACE, LOVE, LIGHT, JOY, HOPE, FORGIVENESS, MERCY, and FAITHFULNESS.  A life NOT promised to be free from Suffering, rather to be held during suffering, to be cared for, to be deeply loved, to have HIS promise poured over in into to ensure that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN.  

Losing Seth has brought me deeper into my relationship with HIM, strengthened my FAITH in HIM, and increased my dependence on HIM.  Losing Seth has taught me to cherish every single precious moment given to ensure precious memories.  Losing Seth has forever changed my perspective of HEAVEN, in knowing, believing, and trusting that HEAVEN is indeed my home.

Losing Seth has taught me that it's not a matter of how much I am doing, but rather what has already been done.  I am learning that in being HIS Daughter, that means I am CHOSEN and that is how I receive HIS love, HIS blessings, HIS grace, HIS peace, HIS JOY, NOT because of anything that I have done, rather what HE has done for me.  I am learning that HE died for me, and through HIS sacrifice for me, for my sins, HE paid the ULTIMATE PRICE in giving up HIS life and BOUGHT me back through the riches of HIS amazing love, and suffered immensely for me, so that I would be able to spend all of eternity in HEAVEN with HIM and HIS FATHER.  Now more than ever I am understanding what its means to know "HE died for me, so I'll live for HIM."

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, for the past seventeen weeks it has been my prayer that my story, HIS story is made known through me, in choosing to be transparent about my pain of Losing Seth.  I pray today that my story will be a source of encouragement to SEE that even in the midst of tragedy, HE is STILL good.  I pray that my story will share HIS message of HOPE that even though I can't SEE more than two steps in front of me, HE has a glorious future planned for me.  I pray that if you too are hurting, that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to help you through your time of mourning, sorrow, sadness, pain, anguish, and tears.  I pray that when you do, you will be drenched in HIS grace, and flooded with HIS peace, in knowing that though things seem so incredibly grim right now, hold fast, HE has a plan, and it is good.  I pray that you will feel HIS all encompassing love today that HE has for you.  

love and prayers always,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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