"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
In missing Seth, my days have been overrun by almost total darkness. There have been days where I have struggled getting out of bed, much less getting dressed. For the past month I have struggled to even pray, and ASK for help. To be honest, I couldn't think of a single prayer to say that I thought would be me any relief. Instead all I have been able to do is cry...... oceans of tears..... that to be honest I have felt as if though I may actually at some point in time drown in.
Relief...... that is something that comes in waves in my life now. GONE are the days of me being able to take all the pain, hurt, and anguish and use it as the driving force in my life. In one of the many moments of me breaking down this week, this thought occurred to me, I am frustrated that though I know in my head how to to press in, and press through in my FAITH, and CHOOSE JOY, and seek HIM, and well pretty much every other HIS DAILY Teachings that HE has taught me..... the reason I am NOT able to do any of that, is because I am still trying to get back to WHO I was before, and WHO I was before was a tenacious fighter WHO didn't have a clear understanding that the STRENGTH I "thought" I had was really HIS STRENGTH being poured into me, and because of that I have felt incredibly weak and defeated every single breath I have taken in this journey of grieving my son.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here" 2 Corinthians 5:17
"Praise be to the ,The is my strength and my shield;My heart leaps for joy,
HIS Daily Teachings today is once again getting right to the matters of my heart, in letting me know that HE knows my pain, and SEES all that I am struggling with, and knows how stuck I feel. HE is wanting me to know that CHOOSING JOY isn't the same as before, rather CHOOSING JOY right now is me simply being silent, remaining silent. Silence...... is NOT something I do well. HE is telling me that it's not always going to be about how much I am doing in my FAITH, but rather just being still...... and knowing that HE is GOD.
"Let him sit alone in silence,
"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
I wish so badly that I could go back to being the me of WHO I was before..... before the worst day of my entire life happened...... the day that will forever be imprinted on my heart of the day where I learned what true heartache and suffering for HIM meant. The day that my FAITH was tested to the fullest, or so I "thought." Foolishly I "thought" that this pain, this anguish would only be temporary, and that is because I was all in when it came to choosing to living my life for HIM.
HE is wanting me to know and understand that it's NOT about how many newer things of my FAITH that I can learn on my own, by reading HIS word, and studying HIS word. HE is telling me that while it may be that right now I am learning that standing firm in my FAITH and TRUST in HIM, speaks volumes in the silence that is my life. HE is wanting me to know that in choosing silence is giving HIM the opportunity to teach me total dependence on HIM, that the battle of life that I am in, the ocean that I have been thrown in.... in all of it, HE has brought me to this place, and allowed the circumstances of my life to lead me straight to HIS loving arms, where I would really learn to TRUST and to know what it means to have HIM fight for me, and to NOT rely on my own STRENGTH or understanding.
"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the will be with you." 2 Chronicles 20:17
"Trust in the with all your heart
HE is telling me that while the world is screaming at me that it's okay to be angry, to yell at GOD, and to hate HIM for what HE did to me...... HE is wanting me to know that NOTHING that HE EVER does is for evil, rather it is all for GOOD. HE is telling me that death..... even death of a child is all because of the sins of this broken and fallen world. HE is reminding me that sadly while I may be a new creation in HIM, there will be times in my life where I will have to suffer as in choosing HIM daily means that I am willing to pick up my own cross, and carrying it for HIM. Simply put HIS loving reminder to me is that of the clip I have on the visor of my truck that holds my precious little love's picture. "HE died for me, so I'll live for HIM."
"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving" 1 Timothy 4:4
"Then Jesus said to his disciples,
HE is speaking directly to my heart this morning in letting me know that even though it may seem as if though I have been left to drown in the ocean of pain, sorrow, sadness, anguish, darkness and tears that I am in, HE is still there, HE is SHINING HIS LIGHT FOR ME, to GUIDE me safely to HIS arms. HE is reminding me that HE has always been there, and will ALWAYS be there. HE is wanting me to know that even though life is unbearable right now, I must remember to take heart, as HE is the ONE WHO OVERCAME and WILL continue to OVERCOME this broken and fallen world.
"My eyes pour out tears.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
It has been in the silence where HIS word floods my heart, through HIS overwhelming peace, to know that through HIS amazing grace, I can and WILL survive this massive loss of my precious little boy. NOT only will I survive that, I will conquer this battle for my life, in TRUSTING and knowing that while I may NOT know what my future holds, I KNOW WHO holds my future.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
"This is what the says:
HIS message is coming in loud and clear to me this morning that sometimes its NOT about what I am going to be doing next other than by choosing to live out my FAITH and TRUST and know that HE is working in me, and through me, even in the silence where all I can do is cry. In knowing this, in knowing that my tears mean something other than the pain that I feel, my tears are prayers of silence and that though words may fail me, HE NEVER will.
"The himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Today HIS word stands true for my life, that even in my groans of anguish, HE is there, HE knows, and through HIS HOLY SPIRIT leading me HE will pour HIS grace into me, and flood me with HIS peace. Today HIS word is proving to me once again, that I don't have to FIGHT anything, or even stand in the sense of up and moving, but rather truly, being still........ and TRUSTING and knowing that HE is GOD, and HE knows how weary I am from grieving, and how badly I hurt, from this complete and total heartbreak that I have experienced for over 18 weeks straight now.
"I have much; preserve my life, , according to your word." Psalm 119:107
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." Romans 8:26
HE is wanting me to remember that it's not always the physical act of standing that shows, and proves to HIM that I TRUST HIM completely, but rather standing firm in my FAITH and TRUST in HIM that HE can, will, and does work everything work out for HIS good. HE is telling me that though I may not understand right now how my FAITH in making an impact on this world, HE knows, and is telling me that in choosing to remain FAITHFUL in my TRUST in HIM, that is teaching this broken and fallen world that even when it hurts, even when the worst thing that could happen does....... HE is there in ALL of it. HE is telling me that I am in season of learning that though I may NOT feel as if though I am doing enough, or living well enough for HIM, HE is wanting me to know that I am truly HIS living vessel, I am HIS messenger of HOPE, and I am HIS ambassador..... as I have CHOSEN daily to live in silence in knowing and TRUSTING that HE is SOVEREIGN, and through HIS timing and provision HE will heal me from this excruciatingly raw pain, sorrow, sadness, and anguish that I am constantly living with, unable to escape for more than just a few moments of each and every single day of my life right now.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
In losing my son, I have learned what it means to really be all in when it comes to my FAITH and TRUST in HIM. I have learned that it's NOT so much of what I say, but its more about what I don't say. I am learning that silence truly speaks a thousand words, especially when it comes to allowing HIM to use my silence to show this world through me, that HE truly does love us, and comforts us, and will ALWAYS be there for us. NOT only that, but just because I HE is asking me to live in silence right now does NOT mean that HE is silent. I am understanding now more than ever that HE is NEVER silent, HE is always there, and always fighting on my behalf. HE doesn't turn a blind eye, to any of my suffering, and in HIS timing through HIS provision, HE will make things right for me, I just need to take heart.
"The Mighty One, God, the , rom Zion, perfect in beauty,a fire devours before him,
"" " 2 Thessalonians 1:5-7
HE is reminding me, by asking me to share HIS message of HOPE that NOTHING that we will EVER face in this life will be alone, that HE knows our pain, even the pain of losing a child, as HE too lost HIS son. HIS only begotten SON that HE gave as HIS sacrifice to this world, so that we would be reconciled back to HIM, as HIS SON would pay the ultimate price for our sins. HIS SON JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, WHO came to this world as GOD in the flesh to teach, lead, and guide us how to live, to model TRUE LOVE, WHO would ask HIS FATHER to leave behind HIS HOLY SPIRIT WHO resides in each of us, when we accept HIS amazing gift of Salvation in BELIEVING that HE is JESUS CHRIST, the ONE WHO PAID our ransom, through HIS blood that was shed on the cross, our sins were ALL forgiven, no matter how bad we are HE died for us, because of HIS great, unconditional, unending, unfailing, relentless love for each and every single one of us.
He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh dear friends, I pray today that if you are hurting, you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to fill you with HIS overwhelming peace, and allow HIS amazing grace to lead you to a place where you will know that even though everything around you may be falling apart, you won't worry, as HE is holding you, HE loves you, and HE will help you in HIS timing, and through HIS provision. It is my fervent prayer that you will come to know HIM, and trust HIM just as I have and do. I pray today that you will choose HIM, and allow HIS love to teach, lead, and guide you through the rest of your journey called life. I pray for HIS blessings and favor to be poured over you and in you, so that you too be will able to be HIS messenger of HOPE, as you will know that your story, is a part of HIS story.
Always in love and prayers,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,