Tears fall as I unpack toys, and find homes for all of them, realizing that they are toys that Seth wouldn't be able to play with, and I don't have to put them up, and keep them out of sight, as there isn't a little toddler running around putting everything into his mouth. Tears fall as each and every night that we set our families table for dinner.... a place is missing.... tears fall all the time.
The harsh reality has really begun to sink in that though we know where Seth is, and WHO he is with, the fact remains that Seth is NOT here physically with us. The fact of the matter is that ONE of us is missing. In my truck my children sit two and two, and no longer three and two. There is now only one car seat in my truck. When we go out to eat we say 6 please, where it used to be 7.
Tears fall as we were 7 and for those who don't know us, will never know that unless we begin shouting it out loud for all the world to hear. YIKES!! Can you imagine? I would think that would be incredibly awkward for the people of whom we encounter. Tears fall as I walk through this life feeling empty, feeling lost, feeling heartbroken, living in agony that my son is no longer living here.... with me to hold, and hear his sweet little sing songy voice saying "hi Mama......"
Tears fall as though I know ALL that I feeling, and experiencing, I can't help but be angry at this selfish world..... a world that I too once lived in, oblivious to those WHO are hurting, and suffering ALL around me. Tears fall as my eyes are being opened to a whole other side of this world that we are taught needs to be kept private. Tears fall as the reality is that this world can't handle anyone who is grieving, and because of that we are made to suffer in silence.
Feeling angry, bitter, and resentful in realizing that, I have struggled with talking to people lately. Their helpful words of advice have been the strike that has lit my match, and let me tell you has left me burning hot inside full of rage towards people full of helpful advice. Tears fall in knowing that I have struggled immensely with anger, bitterness, and resentment towards people who truly do mean well. Tears fall because not even realizing it, I have allowed my mind to be taken over by the enemy, and instead of focusing on HIS truth, and being HIS light, I have allowed myself to be burned from deep within.
After crying myself to sleep yet once again last night, I woke up this morning feeling desperate to be relieved from this struggle. I was feeling so incredibly broken, defeated, and spent. I text my best friend, and she called me. As I spilled out all the ugliness, sadness, bitter feelings of defeat, she listened...... she took a deep breath and said, "I think you need to know that this is a battlefield of your mind. A war has been waged for your mind......"
It wasn't until just a few moments ago where I realized why she said that to me. HE made sure that I heard that this morning, as HE is taking me back the very first leg of my journey with HIM that began almost three years ago. This morning HE is bringing me back to the basics, of my first dose of HIS Daily Teachings.
HE is wanting me to know and understand that my mind is most definitely a battlefield. This means that when I shift my focus from HIM onto myself, or other distractions such as my pain...... well that is the opening of the door to my mind, and which eventually will lead straight to my heart for the enemy to invade, seek, and eventually destroy.
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
HE spoke through me this morning in reminding me that I am indeed a sloooooow learner, and because of that HE is going to make sure that I fully understand what it is that I am needing to know and understand in order to be able to walk this portion of my journey with HIM. This portion being walking through grief.
I can tell you that this portion, has been the hardest portion of my entire life. Never before and so often has my FAITH in HIM and for HIM ever been tested this much. Never has my mind been attacked, and my heart shatter, broken, and crushed. In the past now 13 years I have NEVER had to struggle so much to SEE HIS goodness in something so tragic. NEVER have I had to question whether or NOT I would really LIVE for HIM, especially knowing that HE has called me to this journey of walking through grief.
"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 1 Peter 2:21
My breaking point was the other day, when I learned of another family who have found themselves stuck with this nightmare membership to the most horrific club you couldn't possibly even imagine. My heart sank as one of my soul sisters reached out to me...... Heather, a broken hearted Mama WHO knows and understands the sorrow, pain, sadness, and anguish felt when losing your precious child..... for words of wisdom, for advice as what to do, what not to do, how to act, what to say... how to pray..... all of it..... brought me to my knees.
Towards the end of our conversation I felt HIM speaking to me that HIS good that will come out of this horrific tragedy of our family losing our sweet baby Sethie is that HE will use each of us, to be intercessor's for prayer for other families who they too are suffering the same type of loss.
"I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people" 1 Timothy 2:1 NIV
"The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. " 1 Timothy 2:1 The Message Bible
Upon hearing this my heart broke even more as I thought about our journey thus far of walking through grief, in how the reality hits you so hard every single day that as soon as the new day comes, it will be yet another day that you have to walk. Just knowing that this sweet families journey is just beginning..... breaks my heart..... and my heart aches for them.
Through my aching, and breaking of my heart, I have allowed myself to shift my focus off of HIM, and deep into my pain. HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I am hurting, how deep my pain runs, and the agony that I am living in daily. HE is wanting me to know that NEVER do I have to wonder whether or NOT HE is there, but TRUST and know that HE is, and that HE has NEVER left me, nor will HE EVER leave me. HE is telling me that in the moments where I am so full of agony, HE is there speaking HIS truth into me that NOTHING I am feeling is unbeknownst to HIM. HE is telling me that the enemy would like nothing more than for me to believe his lies, his vicious cruel lies of death that breathe NOTHING but death and destruction into my life.
"For the your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” Deuteronomy 20:4
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
HE is letting me know that HE is sharpening my mind today with HIS truth that I am HIS, I am CHOSEN, I am COVERED, I am LOVED, I am WANTED, and I am PROTECTED. HE is telling me that it's time for me to tell Satan to SHUT UP with all of his ridiculous lies, and to shut him out, and shut him down with HIS TRUTH!!!! HE is wanting me to know today that HE is calling me to FIGHT the good fight with HIS TRUTH, HIS words, HIS love, HIS light, against the darkness that lurks, that seeks to kill, and destroy everything in its path.
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9
"Fight of faith. Take hold of eternal life to which you were called when you made your confession in presence of many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:12
HE is wanting me to know that today I am on the battlefield but I must remember that I am NOT alone, HE is with me, and HE is pouring HIS strength into me, and giving me the courage to face ALL of the pain, sorrow, sadness, anger, and agony. HE is telling me that GONE are my days of being a victim!!! Today HE is telling me that with HIM and through HIM I will be victorious!!!
"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
"You make your saving help my shield,
I am learning that this doesn't mean that because of HIS truth, life won't be hard..... oh how I wish that were the truth, when in reality the TRUTH is that this life IS hard. It's supposed to be hard, and my family and I have been called to do the hard. HE is reminding me once again that when I live out HIS calling for my life to do the hard, that is when HE is growing and strengthening me. HE is reminding me once again that it has been in those times of growing deep in the trenches of this life is when I have grown by leaps and bounds in my FAITH for HIM and in HIM!
"Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them." 1 Corinthians 7:17
I am in complete awe at how much I have heard from HIM this morning when I chose to shift my focus off of my sorrow, sadness, pain, agony, and anguish, and set them completely and solely on HIM. HE has once again blown me away with HIS goodness and mercy as HE flushes out the lies that have been attacking my mind, and trying hard to invade me heart. I am so incredibly thankful and grateful for HIS relentless pursuit of my heart and mind, to know HIM, and know HIS character, so that while I am on this journey of walking through grief I will know that anything that is NOT like HIM, is NOT from HIM, and therefore I will know that I have HIS power and authority living in me, to SHUT DOWN, SHUT OUT, and SHUT UP the enemy that is lurking.
"I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." Luke 10:19
Today I am reclaiming HIS TRUTH for my life, and declaring that HE has the last word, and HE isn't finished with me. I am choosing to stand firm in my FAITH and boldly declaring that HE is the AUTHOR and PERFECTER of my FAITH, and HE is the ONE WHO has written this story, my story just a small portion of HIS story of WHO HE is ALL HE has done, what HE is doing, and what HE will continue to do. Today I am seeking HIM for courage to face this journey of walking through grief. Today I am choosing to BE HIS BRAVE WARRIOR on the battlefield.
"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2
"I have fought , I have finished race, I have kept faith." 2 Timothy 4:7
My Dear Brothers and Sisters, I pray today that if you too are hurting, oh my dear friends, I pray that you will know that you are NEVER alone. I pray that you will feel HIS presence and HIS love washing over each of you. I pray that you will know that the tears that you have cried, are crying, or will ever cry will NEVER be unbeknownst to HIM. I pray that you will seek HIM, and allow HIM to fill you with HIS strength to give you the courage to be HIS BRAVE WARRIOR on the battlefield.
with much grace, love, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,