Since then it's been 30 weeks since we last held our precious baby boy, and kissed his little hands and face. 30 long weeks of sleeping without our precious 7th family member. Memories of having to plan his celebration of life on what should have been his 2nd birthday. Walking into his room that morning, having to pick out his clothes that he would be buried in. The Mickey Mouse pullover that had just been purchased the week before. His little socks that he only wore a few times, and his new little navy blue pants that he loved, and would wear for only the 2nd time. His little monster hat that he so adored, and his little fireman jacket that he was to wear for his 2nd birthday party, and Halloween that was just a few short weeks away.
Having to plan his celebration of life was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was the finality that he was really gone. Sitting at the desk with the funeral home director as he had us sign a release form for the medical examiner office to release Seth's body to them to prepare him for his celebration. Seeing my son's name for the first time with a dash...... the dash that would crush me, and level me all at once. The dash that is forever etched into my mind that is now a part of my story. My son's story..... the story of my son's precious not even two years of life.
In the past 30 weeks I have struggled immensely with my grief. From anger, to jealousy, to fear, to depression, I've experienced it all. Through it all I have learned the hardest part of grief and that is that it is the un-welcomed gift that keeps on giving. I have learned that there is NOTHING I can do except walk through grief.
For 30 weeks now I've been on this horrific journey of learning to walk through grief. I have learned in the hardest of lessons that I can't go around grief, I can't go underneath it. I can't go over it, nor can I get ahead of it. Lastly I have learned that I can't stay behind it..... in the most heart wrenching way I have learned that the only way through grief, is to actually walk through it.
I can tell you that since I began this heartbreaking journey of grief, I have learned that grief is something that makes people uncomfortable. I have learned in this short walk of 30 weeks, that grief is NOT something that this world is comfortable with. I have seen first hand just how uncomfortable other people are when they see my tears. I have experienced some of the hardest trials of my grief, in knowing that this world teaches people that out of sight, well frankly out of mind. Meaning that as long as I don't talk about Seth, I won't have to think about him. Therefore they feel as long as they don't bring him up, or allow me to talk about him, somehow, someway that will make everything okay.
Let me tell you that the most heartbreaking moments in my time of grief are those when people are too uncomfortable to even mention my sweet precious son Seth's name. I miss hearing his name, I miss saying his name, and having him come running to me. When we chose his name, we were in love with it, and when he was born, he definitely fit the part of his name. My son Seth was such a JOYFUL little guy. He was such a light to our family, and brought us immense happiness.
Now that he is gone, our world is a little dimmer, our JOY is a little less, and our hearts have a HUGE gaping hole in the size of our sweet little Sethie. Gone are the nights of staying up late with my little guy who just wanted to be with me. Now my nights are spent staring at the wall of our new home, waiting....... waiting for a little hand to touch my face in the middle of the night..... knowing that will NEVER happen, at least not where my precious son Seth is concerned.
D and I announced last week that our family is expecting once again, and that our precious little one will be joining our crew in November. Since announcing well meaning people have said some pretty incredibly hurtful things to us. Things like, well now that you have a new home and new baby you can focus on that, and you won't have to cry anymore. Now that you have been blessed with a new beginning you don't have to grieve so hard.
I wish so badly I could explain just how life altering grief truly is. I wish I could put it into words how much words hurt. I wish I could tell that person who feels uncomfortable that I would give anything to have that be my only problem. I wish I could respond to those well meaning people who say "at least you have your four other children, and new baby on the way." Sometimes.... my mind goes to the not so nice side, and longs to respond..... "really well go home and line up your children, and choose the one WHO you could live without. Then tell me how at least you have your other children......" Words hurt, and when your wounded, well frankly a paper cut could slice you right in half.
Dealing with people who feel uncomfortable in my grief are exactly the people WHO I try my best to avoid. I realize that today's post is NOT really what I usually have to say, but quite honestly these are feelings that I have been struggling with for quite some time now. Dealing with the uncomfortable has given me a platform to speak the truth about what walking through grief is really like.
I can tell you that grief is selfish, quite frankly it doesn't care how you feel, as all I know is the excruciating, pain and agony that I live with daily. I don't really care that it makes you feel uncomfortable to see me cry, as I'm the one who lives this life daily with out my precious little one. Like I said, grief is selfish.
I can tell you that even though I deal with the uncomfortable on a daily basis, I can tell you that I know without a doubt that I am NOT alone. I know that HE is with me, and HE is working hard on my heart daily to SEE the good in people, and NOT to react the way the FLESH is screaming at me that I should. I can tell you that it is my FAITH in HIM that keeps me level headed, in NOT responding to what people say, well meaning, loving, giving, caring, thoughtful people say because they are uncomfortable in my grief.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
It has been through HIM, and with HIM, that I am able to withstand the questions, and constant advice. I am learning that NOTHING anyone is EVER going to say is going to bring any relief to my weary, and aching, heart and soul. I know that the only thing that EVER helps me is when people tell me they love me and that they are praying for me. I know that it has been through endless prayers that I have survived this massive loss of my precious son.
"The is my strength and my shield;My heart leaps for joy,
For the past few weeks HE has been working hard on my heart NOT to be angry with people, but rather SEE them through HIS eyes. HE has gifted me the blessings of HIS perspective, with HIS wisdom, and through HIS provision I have been able to SEE past the flesh, and SEE ALL the good that HE is doing in me, and through me, by teaching, leading, and guiding me through the tests, trials, and storms in dealing with the uncomfortable.
"For the gives wisdom;
I am thankful for HIS constant flow of GRACE, and HIS endless flood of PEACE that keeps me from coming completely undone whenever someone who is uncomfortable says something hurtful. I am thankful that HE is ALL I NEED and that I know that no matter what may happen in this lifetime, HE is with me always, and HE will give me ALL the strength I need to endure what ever the storm may be.
I have learned this because I have been through the largest most horrific storm of my life. I have learned that this is my story, and because I acknowledge that HE will speak to me and through me to reach the masses. To share HIS message of HOPE, LOVE, GRACE, PEACE, MERCY, and FAITHFULNESS. I am learning what it means to truly be HIS ambassador and how when I allow HIM to receive ALL the praise honor and glory in my story, HE can and will do amazing things, through me. I know that is because I have CHOSEN to follow HIM daily, to stand firm in my FAITH in HIM, and TRUST HIM that HE knows what HE is doing, as I know without a doubt that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN.
"I wait for the , my whole being waits,
We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2 Corinthians 5:20
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13
"Trust in the with all your heart
I know that even when the ugliness of grief comes spilling out of me, I know that HIS mercies are truly new for me every single morning. I know that even though other people are uncomfortable with my grief, NOTHING that I feel, think, say or do is foreign to HIM. I know that EVERY single one of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are KNOWN to HIM. I know that HE truly is close the brokenhearted, as I have been that way for the past 30 weeks, and in just looking at today's date on my computer, I see that today marks seven months....
"The is close to the brokenhearted
"If your heart is broken, you’ll find right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18 The Message Bible
"Because of the ’s great love we are not consumed, They are new every morning;I say to myself, “The is my portion;The is good to those whose hope is in him,
Looking out the new beautiful windows of my office tonight, the sun is setting, and SEE HIS masterpiece.... I SEE HIS goodness, and I look down and SEE my growing stomach as I experience HIS goodness, and living out HIS promise for new beginnings, rebuilding, and new life. Through tears, I thank HIM for my time with my precious son, and I thank HIM for choosing me once again to be Mama to another one of HIS children.
"I remain confident of this:
It with HIS HOPE and tremendous JOY and PEACE that HE is flooding me with tonight, that I can SEE ALL that HE is doing in my life, and my families life. It is through HIS promise of new life that I can smile, and know that HE truly does know what is best for me and my family. Even in coming to terms with my precious son's passing I know have the PEACE that I have craved since the very moment Seth slipped away.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
HE loves me, truly, madly, and deeply, beyond anything I have ever known. HE chooses me, HE died for me, and so now is my time to LIVE for HIM. I know I am only given once chance to live this life I have been blessed with, and today I am choosing to LIVE it well. It is my prayer that each and every morning that HE allows me to open my eyes to this LIFE that I will choose to LIVE it for HIM, and in honor of my precious son Seth to LIVE this life fully with tremendous JOY. Today is a NEW DAY with a fresh perspective, that even through the uncomfortable HIS light is shining, for me, and when I seek HIM, and HIS ways, HIS light with SHINE in me, and through me, and maybe just maybe those WHO are uncomfortable will SEE and know that it truly is a honor for me to talk about the precious life of my beautiful son Seth.
"The has done it this very day;
Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17
"and don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17 The Message Bible
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, It is my fervent prayer that you will know that NO matter what you may be going through you will know that HE is with you. I pray that if you too are dealing with uncomfortable people in your life, you will know that HE has placed them their for HIS purpose to speak through you to share HIS message of HOPE. I pray that if you are someone WHO is uncomfortable with someone else's grief, that my story will give you the courage to reach out, to seek HIM, to pray to lift them up to HIM, to be HIS hands and feet. I pray today that your journey with HIM will take you from being uncomfortable to comfortable as you find yourself enveloped in HIS loving embrace.
Always in love, with much grace, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,