Tuesday, May 5, 2015

New Beginnings

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed.  That I would see the goodness of the Lord.  In the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

From the moment where D and I would learn that our precious one year old son Seth had gone home to LIVE with JESUS, our hearts where shattered, and slowly the reality of tragedy began to sink in. It was in the first few weeks that we began to realize that our hopes and dreams for him were gone, that they didn't matter as we would never SEE them lived out in the precious life of our sweet little boy.

I remember waking up those first few weeks, every morning being met with the deepest most excruciatingly raw pain I have ever known. My face ached, my eyes ached, my head ached, and my skin and nose were raw from constantly being wiped. I was weak, exhausted, and so completely heartbroken. I walked around in a daze those first few weeks, wondering how this could possibly be the plan.... how could this possible be for the best? Wondering how I would ever be able to experience JOY once again?

So many people prayed for me and with me, that I would be able to LIVE with HIS JOY once again, and honestly the more they prayed, the more I was filled with tremendous doubt. Yet something, kept me hanging on, and that was HIS HOPE, HIS promise to me.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HIS word had been poured over me and into me for over two years to prepare me for this horrendous storm. THE STORM that was planned by the enemy to take me out once and for all. Little did I know, HE had a plan, and when HE started revealing to me what that plan was, honestly I was speechless.

At the end of this past November HE had planted a seed in both of D and my hearts, that we would be having more children. Most specifically HE placed HIS word deep into our hearts, and minds to meditate on, pray for, and soak in daily. In December I attended a MOPS meeting, and we made a Christmas banner. I made one that said JOY, and hung it up in our kitchen at home. I also made a banner of two names, Joel, and JOY and I wrote HIS word on those two banners. As soon as I got home I hung them up in my office, over my desk, and every morning that I would meet with HIM to pour my heart out to HIM, I would pray over that banner.

"Rend your heart  and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent  and leave behind a blessing" Joel 2:13-14

Not long after making the banner, did I feel the urgency to really pray circles around the banner, and our forever home. I felt very strongly that HE was giving me HIS vision of what our families future was going to look like. I new it was going to be amazing, as HE had made sure that our families verse was exactly HIS message of HOPE for our family as we were now living in the aftermath of the most horrific tragedy of our lives.

Somewhere along this journey of the past almost seven months of grieving my precious Sethie, HIS word has given me the HOPE that I have been needing. As the days passed me by, my FAITH in HIM was growing stronger as HE was moving massive mountains in our lives, to ensure that we would truly be living HIS promise to us for a future full of HIS HOPE, and goodness.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

At the end of March it became very apparent that we were going to be moving into our forever home, and if that weren't promising and exciting enough, HE was just beginning with the blessings for our families future. On March 25th I was well into my first week of my weight loss journey. Most specifically I was down six pounds, and feeling encouraged. That afternoon, I began experiencing horrendous heartburn, and new that I shouldn't have been as I had been eating in such a way that would eliminate that problem.

That night as soon as D got home from work I told him I think I might be pregnant, almost too afraid to even utter those words, he said, "are you sure?" Honestly, after having five children, I knew something was up, and if it wasn't pregnancy, then it was a new level of grief, and either way I needed answers.

I will never forget the tears that I cried, and my kids cried when I told all of them that our sweet baby Sethie was going to be a BIG brother. It was in those first few moments that I felt as though Seth had spoken to this precious little one, and said, "your going to love Mama." That night I cried tears of JOY, and cried myself to sleep thankful, HOPEFUL, and yet still so incredibly heartbroken.

I would be lying if I said that I haven't been fearful in this pregnancy. There have been many moments already in this pregnancy where I have been so overrun by fear, that I couldn't do anything but cry out to HIM. The most fearful time being waiting for my ultrasound to determine my due date. Waiting to see my ob that day was nerve wracking. I had been waiting over an hour when she came into the room, and said, "how are you doing today? Are you ready for this Mama?" As I laid back and waited for her to begin, I began to cry out to HIM, "Oh please JESUS, please don't break my heart..... please LORD don't break my heart."

Then she spoke and said, "okay Mama take a look at your little one." I turned my head, and saw the precious little life growing inside of me, and most importantly the little flashing light of that precious little one's heart beating. In that moment I began to cry tears of JOY, and PRAISED HIM and thanked HIM for this precious little life growing inside of me. I cried oceans of tears in knowing that I had been chosen once again to be Mama to one of HIS precious children.

As the weeks passed by, the news of our forever home began to sink in, HE was really answering our prayers for a new home, a fresh start, for New Beginnings. As we began to pack up our house, we had the daunting task of packing up Seth's room. At the time I thought that packing up HIS room was the hardest thing, what I didn't realize was that leaving our home for the last time, would actually be the hardest.

In those last few moments in our home, I stood in his room, placed my hands on the wall that he used to kick, the wall where I found him lifeless, the wall that even though I hated, I still clung to, as that was the last place where he was in this life. I stood there with tears pouring out of my eyes, soaking in all of my precious memories of my two boys, brothers, playing cars, and trucks in their room. Sitting on my oldest sons bed playing mario, and hearing them giggle and run around.

I walked into D and my bedroom room for the last time, and could still hear his little feet running across the hardwood floor. I could hear him opening and closing our door and locking it, and saying, "uh oh" as he locked us both in the room. I stood there feeling as if though leaving meant, leaving him, and leaving all those precious memories behind.

Thankfully HE placed me heavily on my oldest heart to be by my side.  She stood next to me and said, "oh Mama we're not leaving him, he is with us.  Seth is with us, he wasn't this house, he was our family, he is our family..... don't cry Mama.... GOD knows what HE's doing, this house hurts you so much, it brings you so much pain, that's why HE's moving us, and blessing us with our forever home."  I wiped my tears with my shirt, and walked out of our home for the last time.  

As I sit here this morning typing in my new office, I'm overwhelmed by the enormity of HIS blessings that HE continues to pour over us and flood us with daily.  One of things that I notice this morning is that our home has so many beautiful windows, and is filled with so much wonderful natural light.  Our last house wasn't like that at all, and Seth hated that.  He was always trying to SEE outside, and so looking out my office window right now, I can't help but to smile, as I know that Seth would have loved to live in this home, and that brings me tremendous JOY in knowing that HE has blessed me with those precious memories of Seth's longings for more of outside. 

Today is truly a new day for our family, as it is the first normal day where D has gone to work and it's just the children and I in our new home.  Today is the day for New Beginnings as we learn what our families new normal is going to look like, and how we are at New Beginnings in leaving the aftermath of losing our sweet precious Sethie.  

I am truly overwhelmed by HIS promises for our family.  Though I am so incredibly heartbroken, I am learning that though the pain of losing my sweet Sethie will NEVER go away, HE is showing me by teaching, leading, and guiding me that with HIM and through HIM, I will make room in my heart for the pain, so I will be able to live with it in a way that allows me to also experience HIS tremendous JOY that HE has planned for me.

I am complete and total awe of how much HE loves me, and my family.  I am in awe of HIS constant flow of goodness, love, and light that HE has been flooding us with.  I am in awe of how HE has answered, is answering, and will continue to answer even the smallest of prayers, so that not only will we know how much HE loves us, that we will experience how much HE loves us.

Though I know our lives will NEVER be the same as they were when we were a family of seven, oblivious to the cruel reality of this world, I know that our lives as a family of soon to be eight come this November, are going to be even greater.  I say this because we have survived the most massive, tragic loss of our families lives, and our relationships are stronger, and that is because we are family strong, because we are marriage strong, and that is because we are FAITH strong.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer for you today to know that if you too are in a massive storm that you will know HE is with you.  I pray that you will know that HE hasn't left you, nor will HE ever leave you.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and allow HIM to fill you with HIS promises with HIS message of HOPE for a glorious future for you.  I pray that my story, will show that even when the worst thing happens, NOT only will you survive with HIM, you will CONQUER the fear, the anger, the angst, the anguish, the sorrow, the pain, and the sadness.  With HIM it is possible to LIVE again, and when you choose to TRUST HIM, HE will set you on the path of your New Beginnings.

Always in love and prayers with much understanding, grace, and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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