Saturday, May 30, 2015

fast forward

Today...... I'm struggling....... yesterday...... I struggled..... in all of it, HE was there, is there, and will continue to be there.  As I sit here in my new office, I realize I have now have the most beautiful view of HIS beautiful creation.   When I think about my last office, I remember that my desk was against a wall..... the wall...... that I stared at for days, weeks, and months on end feeling helpless, hopeless, angry, bitter, heartbroken, shattered, and lost.  

Walking through grief has proven to be my greatest struggle.  It used to be that whenever I was struggling, as soon as I applied HIS word to my life, I was able to recover quickly, and didn't have to struggle.  However, grief, as I have said in the past is the unwelcomed gift that keeps on giving...... and each time that  horrendous gift comes knocking at my door.... it knocks me down, and out, and......... it completely levels me.

This...... frustrates me..... grieving frustrates me.  Its as if though somehow, someway I should have already figured out how to deal with all of this.  It's like I tell myself a million times a day, "it's going to be okay Heather, Seth is with JESUS, and he's safe.  Your going to be okay, you have so much to be thankful for, and Seth hated seeing his Mama cry.  Hold tight to your memories, and press forward to make new ones with your babies.  Don't let the enemy win, FIGHT, and FIGHT hard, keeping running this race, it's going to be SOOOOOOO worth it!!!"  and then it never fails..... I fall hard........ and flat on my face. 

It never fails that I become overcome with sorrow, and tears pour out of my eyes.  Sometimes I'm crying so hard and the only way I know I am is because breathing becomes difficult.  For those who I am extremely close to they tell me ALL of the time, "you have to give yourself grace Heather, it's only been x amount of months.  Give yourself time, your way too hard on yourself."  

Truthfully I know they are right, but because I am a sloooooow learner, and I am so incredibly stubborn when it comes to healing and restoration for myself, I'm also a FIGHTER, and I FIGHT hard to get through my days.  It is as if though I am trying so hard to make it through each day, that I am "trying" to live my life on fast forward.

I know this isn't realistic, but until you have suffered immense pain, sorrow, sadness, anguish, anger, and cried oceans of tears every single day for the past almost 33 weeks, you too might want to press fast forward on your own life.   In knowing that this isn't what HE wants for me, I am struggling, as honestly I'm afraid.... afraid of what suffering, mourning, grieving means and looks like for the rest of my life.

Yesterday while running errands with my oldest daughter the thought occurred to me, that we are coming up on our first year without him...... and not only that, one day we are going to look back and say, "it's been 25 years since we lost Seth......."  This very thought brings me to my knees, as I honestly don't want to have to grieve my son for even another day.  

This is NOT to say that I want to be with him, but I do however want him to be here with us. Well that, and the fact that I beg JESUS to come back  It is a daily, and constant struggle for me to be accepting that this is the life that I have been given.....and I only get one life to live..... and no matter how hard it gets, HE will pour HIS strength into me, and HE is, and will build be STRONG in order to LIVE it.

Truthfully, knowing that HE is with me, sometimes.... well it doesn't even begin to soothe my aching heart, and weary eyes.  Sometimes.... nothing, but breathing, and waiting, and breathing, and waiting, and breathing, and crying, and waiting, and breathing, and crying, and waiting...... well I think you get the picture.  Sometimes, all I can do is wait, wait on HIS timing, and for HIS provision.  

I know eventually after I have been crying for quite some time, that HE will flood me with HIS PEACE, and that relief will come, but honestly when I'm in the middle of a horrific crying moment.....all seems lost, and the pain of losing my precious little boy is more than I could possibly bear..... it is in those times where life seems daunting, impossible, and completely unbearable.

HE has placed so many wonderful people in my life, starting with my amazing husband D.  D has been my rock in all of this.  He has been the one who has held me at night while I fell completely apart, and honestly I have felt so incredibly guilty for leaning so hard on him that these days, I try not to lean on him as much, and give him his own space, and time to grieve our precious little boy.  I guess you could say I try and fast forward through my openness with D in sharing with him how I am really doing.

Truthfully I'm afraid, afraid to grieve too hard, too long, to deep...... so onward I press, and keep pressing  fast forward on ALL the days of my life, and in the process completely forget that I only have one life to live.  Truthfully I am terrified on really living in each and every single moment, as I am only thinking in my "humanness" that there's no way I'm going to be able to live a lifetime with this grief.... and I question why HE didn't make my heart stop beating the moment Seth's heart stopped beating????

Truthfully that has been the hardest thing for me to accept is that contrary to what I used to say, from my oblivious world, I didn't die when my child died, I breathed, I screamed, I cried, I begged, and I pleaded...... and pleaded..... and pleaded...... to the point where I completely lost my voice in only ten minutes.......

When I think back on those first few moments.... it's so incredibly hard for me to relive them, and honestly I just want to press fast forward through all of it, and beyond and past the here and now, and present that I am living.  To be honest, sometimes I wish so badly HE would let me SEE the ending so I could understand how it is that HE has called me to walk this journey through grief.  

Unfortunately, or well at least in my "humanness" I view it as unfortunate, that is NOT HIS plan, and well that is when I lean in and press hard into HIS word, rely on my FAITH in HIM to carry me when I can't walk, or even stand, HE is there, and HE reminds me of HIS promises to me, and for me.  It is in those moments where HE teaches, leads, and guides me on my journey of walking through grief, and whenever I "feel" like running, HE holds tight to my hand and lets me know that this is NOT something that I can fast forward through.

In those moments HE lets me know that the times where I am pressing incessantly fast forward in my life, HE is wanting me to remember that ALL HE has ever asked me to do is just "Be still...... and know that HE is GOD" Psalm 46:10  Even knowing that, knowing HIS word.... I still struggle.... as that means being in it, ALL of it, tears, sorrow, pain, anguish, grief, mourning, suffering, laughing, sleepless nights, ALL of it, being in it, and TRUSTING HIM completely that in HIS timing and through HIS provision HE can, will, and does relieve me from that horrendous pain, and when I allow HIM to work in me and through me, I will SEE that it's much better to live in each and every single moment I am given, as HE is the ONE WHO created me, and HE created me to BE STRONG enough to live this life.  

Today is a new day that HE has made, and blessed me to live, therefore I'm surrendering once again, and saying I'm all in, even when it hurts, even when the pain is unbearable, and life seems so incredibly unfair.  Today I am choosing JOY in HIS presence, and trusting that HE has my life written perfectly, and knows and loves me best.  Today I am NOT going to wish my day away, rather I'm going to soak in each and every moment, so I don't miss a thing.  Today I am releasing the fast forward button on my life, and TRUSTING HIM that HIS timing is indeed perfect.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that you will be encouraged by my transparency that even knowing HIM, and knowing of HIM sometimes isn't enough.... but what is enough is waiting....... even for a 1,000 sleepless nights, waiting on HIS timing and for HIS provision is worth it.  I pray that if you too are in horrendous pain, suffering, sorrow, mourning, or waiting..... for what seems as if though forever.... I pray that you won't give up, I pray that you will continue to TRUST and know that HE is in the details of your life, and is waiting for you too to release the fast forward button in your life.

Always with love, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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