Thursday, July 30, 2015

desperately seeking JESUS

Today...... my soul is downcast....... and my spirit is oh so crushed.  Today the heaviness the weight, the burden, the walk, the steps...... its all too much.  Today I have spent over half of it laying in my bed, drenched.... soaked..... drowning in tears of anguish and sorrow.  Tears from not only losing my sweet Sethie, but also from my life in general.  Tears of questions of why was I created this way, why is this my story?  How am I ever going to survive this?  Do I really hear from HIM?  Am I really walking each day with HIM, or is this just me desperately seeking JESUS???

There it is right there...... the soul crushing, heart wrenching truth, do I really hear HIM, do I really TRUST HIM, is HIS word really planted, and rooted deeply and firmly in my heart? Questions that strike my every nerve, and make me cringe for even thinking.... let alone asking.... speaking out loud, or writing in my journal..... yet they are there, tormenting me to tears.... and it makes me even more determined to seek HIS truth.  It leaves me needing more than ever to be desperately seeking JESUS.

This morning I poured my heart and soul out to HIM.  ALL the ugliness, bitterness, rage, tears, you name it, I spilled it out into my journal, my Psalms to HIM.  As my thoughts spilled out of my mind, I couldn't hardly keep up with all that I was thinking and writing, I was overwhelmed, and when I finished, I sat, with tears streaming down my face..... waiting...... as this was another soul crushing moment where all I knew to do was to dig deep and begin desperately seeking JESUS.

"As the deer pants for streams of water,so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, or the living God.When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,my Savior and my God.  My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,the heights of Hermon—from Mount izar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock,“Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God" Psalm 42

I reached for my daily devotional, and felt HIM speak to my heart..... 

Write this down..... I know how alone you feel in all of this, but hold fast to MY word, dig deep into MY word, and let it wash away any of the lies the enemy has told you.  I am here with you, I am holding you, I am with you always.  I will NEVER nor have I EVER left you.  I am with you....

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

"No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5

"May the Lord our God be with us as he was with our ancestors; may he never leave us nor forsake us" 1 Kings 8:57

"As for me, this is my covenant with them,” says the Lord. “My Spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children and on the lips of their descendants—from this time on and forever,” says the Lord." Isaiah 59:21

I know how heartbroken you are, I know just how downcast your soul is, and how crushed your spirit is.  Trust ME, I have a plan, and it's good, when it's all too much come to me and find rest.  Let me carry this burden for you, I will give you rest, seek ME, and you will find ME.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

"“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

I know how traumatized you are by all of this.  This is why I have opened the door for you to receive help in coping with all of this.  Help to SEE all that I am doing, have done, and will continue to do in you and through you.  I promise that even on the days where you don't feel it, I'm there pouring MY love into you, as you Heather, are MY beloved, you are MY treasure.

"Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." Proverbs 13:10

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

" Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12

"For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession." Deuteronomy 7:6

I should tell you that I didn't hear all of that this morning, I only heard a portion of it, the rest of it came while writing today's blog.  Hearing HIM speak to my heart even more, I am taken aback.  HIS treasure..... me, Heather, middle child born into a family of three children, more commonly known, or well at least to me as the forgotten one.  Later in life, the lonely one, the sad one, the serious one, the unfun one, the unplayful one, the uninvitied one, the unaccepted one...... so many one's and HE'S pouring HIS truth into me that I am HIS treasure.  The Treasured One.

"But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.” “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me" Isaiah 49:14-16

I can't even begin to process that..... yet HIS word is sinking deep into my heart, TRUST it, BELIEVE it, KNOW it, you, Heather are MY Treasure.   Hearing this is so overwhelming to me, as I have just spent my first session, yesterday in therapy.  I came out with a diagnosis familiar to me, as I have already walked a previous journey with that same diagnosis.  This time however it is daunting to me. As I know just how hard, and how long it took to overcome the heartache, sadness, sorrow, pain, and anguish from my past, and that wasn't even a fraction as hard as this journey of walking through grief has been.  Though I am extremely grateful, I deeply saddened and disheartened in knowing just how badly I am wounded, there's a word for it even..... PTSD.  

Though I know through reading that it's sadly not at all uncommon for bereaved parents to suffer from this, after all our worst nightmares have come true, and we have lived through the unimaginable, unthinkable, unfathomable....  could write about the surrealness of it forever.  I prayed fervently that this would NOT happen to me, and it has left me desperately seeking JESUS to please SAVE me from that level of heartache and pain..... and yet here I am.  Facing it, head on, work boots on ready to do the work..... well at least I was... until...... 

So I have this problem within me, and well that is I am human, filled with human emotions and well herein lies the problem for me, because of these human emotions, I have these days of what I call spin outs.  Today is most definitely a spin out day.  A day that actually began late last night, as words were spoken that only discouraged me, and made me feel even further from the finish line...... words that made me question whether or not what I feel, think, say and do really are HIS truth for my life. Words leaving me so desperately seeking JESUS for relief, rest, and refuge from this massive, unimaginable, soul crushing storm.

Knowing, trusting, and living out HIS truth has been my mission my goal per say.  I have poured so much time energy and effort into speaking, breathing, and living HIS word in my life, and deep into my heart.  I have spent so many hours meditating on HIS word, soaking in it, so that it would plant, and root deeply and firmly into my heart. I have spent so much time in prayer desperately seeking JESUS to teach, lead, and guide me so that I would be able to put on HIS armor to fight the good fight, of which would bring ALL praise, honor, and glory to HIS name.  I have spent so much time living in the seriousness of my journey, in dedicating myself to doing the hard work, that I have forgotten that HE wants me to SEE the JOY in each day as well.

My mission has been to live out HIS mission in hopes that the harder I worked to understand to know, that my heart would TRUST and know that HE is indeed WHO HE says HE is, that somehow... someway.... this pain would lessen..... sooner..... when the reality HIS truth is, that there is NO timeline........... ugh......... which leaves me desperately seeking JESUS for a count down of how many more nights I will have to endure this heartache, and soul crushing pain.  How many more days of sadness, anguish, and tears will be upon me..... come on JESUS, how many???  Seeking HIM, desperately seeking JESUS for ALL of my life's answers.  Not anyone else's just well I am a selfish human, and it's my pain.... and well grief is all consuming..... 

I wish so badly that I could write that HE has indeed answered my questions...... alas HE has not..... but that doesn't mean that I won't ever stop desperately seeking JESUS as I know each time I do, I find HIM even further into my FAITH than I did before.  Which each venture into the unknown, and TRUSTING HIM, HE is building me stronger, making me brave, and building the tenacity in me to teach others how to live their own lives desperately seeking JESUS.  

I know there is a purpose, HIS true purpose for my pain. I know that I am going to be a bus driver someday, when HE equips me with ALL the tools I am going to need. I know HE has amazing plans for my life, and I know that even on the days where my soul is downcast, and my spirit is crushed, and I can't even hold my head up..... I know, I TRUST HIS word that HE is there, and when I'm ready HIS anchor will lead me straight back into HIS arms, where HE will set me firmly on my feet, works boots on, ready to work, ready to run..... until then, I seek and find solace, comfort and rest in HIM.

My Dear Brothers and Sister in CHRIST JESUS, in CHRIST alone my hope is found, and I pray that is the same for you today.  In CHRIST ALONE is where my comfort and peace live, and I pray this is the same for you today.  In CHRIST ALONE my TRUST is found, and I pray this is the same for you today.  In CHRIST ALONE I know TRUE FREEDOM awaits from ALL of this sorrow, sadness, anguish, and pain, and I pray that is the same for you today.  In all of your life's circumstances I pray that you will have the courage to be desperately seeking JESUS.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5

In HIS loving embrace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,


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