Saturday, July 11, 2015

wait for it......

Yesterday while driving to the store with my oldest daughter we began talking about yesterday's blog.  I shared with her all that was on my heart about how I am called to LIVE this life that we have been given, and how I must remember to remain calm, no matter what the circumstances are in my life, as HE already has ALL the details worked out.   I must keep my focus on HIM, and do ALL things for HIS glory, and NOT my own.  

"But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart;consider what great things he has done for you." 1 Samuel 12:24

The more we talked, and shared, and laughed, and cringed at our past failures and mistakes, the more I felt this prompting to let me know that surely a test would be up ahead waiting for me.  When we arrived at the store, (our favorite) Hobby Lobby, we were enthralled with EVERYTHING that we saw.  We began dreaming, planning the new little one's nursery, and decorating our new home even more, and ahhhh, a girls dream to just walk the isles dream, silently pray the desires of your heart, such an amazing time spent together as Mama and Daughter.  

"Taste and see that the Lord is good;  blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

We ended up getting so really awesome clearance items, two of which I had really been wanting over the years, but didn't really care to spend the money on.  The third item was for my teens room, that went along with the theme of their room.  I spent less than twenty dollars on three large wall hangings, and was feeling so incredibly loved and blessed.

As we walked out to my truck, we were only driving a short distance to the next store, and I told my teen I would pick her up as she took the cart back.  I quickly hopped up in my truck, and tried starting the truck.  Hmmmm...... weird, I don't remember leaving any lights on, wait, the lights are working, in fact I have power... I have power windows, those work, hmmmm, is this a dead battery?  Meanwhile my teen is standing there waiting to be picked up.  Seeing me on the phone she walks over shaking her head saying, "oh no not again." (that's another story of  HIS amazing provision)

I called D, and he didn't answer. I looked around wondering what we could possibly do, and saw we were parked right next to an auto parts/service store.  I walked in and asked if they could possibly give my truck a jump, and they agreed.  Within two minutes an employee met us at the truck, and hooked up the charger to the battery.  He told me to go ahead and start it.  Nothing...... well except for ALL the lights working, windows working, and hey come to think of it, this is NOTHING like the last time, where the truck was at least "trying" to turn over. 

Feeling perplexed as to what could have possibly happened, I got out to tell him that it wouldn't turn over.  He looked at me and said, well this is NOT good news, and well to be honest, it's $90 for a diagnostics test, and then they would be able to tell me whats wrong, quote me a price and go from there.  UGH.... thoughts rolled through my mind ALL that we had planned for the weekend, and how suddenly those plans seemed as if though would be impossible to keep. 

NOT wanting to give into my emotions, girl emotions, pregnancy emotions, I tried calling D once again.  I told him our problem, and he said he would be there shortly.  When he arrived, he walked up to my truck and said, "whats up, tell me what happened?  Tell me what it's doing..."  He was so calm, cool and collected.... all traits of which I used to secretly hate, as in my thinking of "why doesn't he ever freak out?  Lose it?  How can he be calm, we're in a crisis here!!!!  WHY LORD is he NOT panicking?!?!?"  Totally rational thinking right???  

"Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end." Proverbs 29:11

"Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control." Proverbs 25:28

After about 45 min and a check list later, D climbed back into the truck, and said, "let me try something....."  with that he made sure the truck was completely shifted into park, and........ wait for it...... it started right up!!!!  When he told me what he did, ALL I could do was laugh..... well it was either that or cry, and well I just decided that laughter would be so much easier to do then get all emotional, cry, and ruin my beautiful makeup that I had on for the day.  Not too mention that lately HE is humbling me at every turn, in teaching, leading, and guiding me how NOT to take myself so seriously, but rather laugh, and be humbled that NOT everything I do is going to be good and perfect.  HE is wanting me to know that it's okay to NOT have ALL the answers, as NO worries, HE does, HE has ALL of them, as HE is the ONE WHO is SOVEREIGN.

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

"Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show to your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do?" Deuteronomy 3:24

I looked at him with all the love in my heart, and thanked him profusely for saving us, not only in getting the truck going, but also in saving us a TON of money that I would have otherwise had to spend, as I wouldn't have known how to diagnose anything myself.  He smiled, and said, I had a feeling that's what it might be, but forgot about it once I got here, but in the end remembered that it might actually be the problem.  He hugged me, kissed me and told me he would see me at home.

Feeling so incredibly relieved, I PRAISED HIM, and thanked HIM for my calm, cool, collected husband, WHO doesn't freak out, get upset, scream, throw blame, ugh.... okay I'm done describing that..... my point is I PRAISED HIM for blessing me with such an awesome and amazingly strong husband who DOESN'T crack under pressure.  Unlike me who is notoriously known as the freak out queen.

As we drove home, I couldn't stop laughing, and neither could my daughter.  However, it wasn't too far into our drive home, I heard HIM speak straight to my heart, 

"I'm with you always, I'm always there to help you.  You never need to worry about whether or not I am present in your time of need or trouble.  I'm always with you."  

Words, HIS words so comforting to my racing heart, that reassured me that I did indeed pass the test of remaining calm, and NOT worrying.  HE reminded me of what I said to my daughter when panic began to rise in her about how much fixing our truck would cost.  HE reminding me of my exact words to her.  "If the truck needs to be fixed, I'm not going to worry about the cost, as HE is already in the details of everything.  Even if  its $300 HE is going to provide.  Panicking, and freaking out isn't going to any good, and I REFUSE to get ALL emotional about this."  Playing back my words to me, HE let me know that HE delighted in me that I stayed calm.  HE let me know that I did what HE had impressed so heavily on my heart yesterday morning about not worrying, and how I was truly understanding what wait for it really meant for my life.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

Though HE has been teaching me for so long about how HE is in ALL the details of my life, I still forget, and NEED to be reminded that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN.  HE is telling me that I must NEVER forget that this life is going to be series of tests, as that is how HE grows me, and stretches me to become the me HE has created me to BE.  HE is wanting me to know that I must keep my heart, mind, and eyes focused on only HIM so that I won't be blindsided by whatever test may be waiting for me on this path.  

"Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming." 1 Peter 1:13

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

HE is impressing deeply upon my heart of HIS true intentions, HIS plans, HIS purpose for my life to NEVER have to worry about this journey that I am on, as HE is always with me.  HE is telling me that HE has always intended for me to know and understand that I am able to walk this journey with HIM, as HE has made it a peaceful, peace filled path for me to walk.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:4-9

I wish I could say that I have always believed that, however in the past almost nine months, I have learned that is most definitely true.  Though HIS peaceful, peace filled path didn't mean that heartbreak, sorrow, sadness, and pain would be absent, it meant that when life became too much, too unbearable, and when I couldn't even hold my head up anymore, let along stand, HE was there.  HE carried me, HE flooded me with HIS grace,and drenched me with HIS peace.  On the days where I felt led, HE poured HIS strength into me to stand, to fight, to run, to speak, to LIVE.  

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

In the past thirteen years my journey has been a series of tests of wait for it.  I can look back on ALL that HE has done for me in the past, and how just when I thought things couldn't possibly EVER get better, or my heart could possibly be healed by the heartache I felt, HE was there, showering me with HIS relentless LOVE for me.  When the world was telling me that it was okay to be angry, bitter, and unforgiving, HE was telling me that with HIM, and through HIM HE would take away ALL of my anger, all of my bitterness, and would create in me a forgiving heart. 

" Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

Lately I have become increasingly heartbroken at the ways of this world, as I am truly living out the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs.

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"  "Hosanna" by Hillsong United

With each day passing my heart aches and longs for HIM, and in my prayers I plea for HIM to please come back.  The more I read, and hear about this broken and fallen world, the more I seek HIM, HIS face, HIS love, HIS grace, HIS mercy, HIS forgiveness, HIS guidance, HIS wisdom, HIS discernment, HIS vision, basically EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that HE has, to SEE people, I want that, I need that, I crave that, I seek that.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13

Though I may not always understand HIS ways, HIS plans, I TRUST them, because HE has proven to me time and again that HE is completely TRUSTWORTHY.  As I sit here in my office this morning while my family is all sound asleep, and my sweet little baby kicks in my womb, I am reminded of HIS goodness.  I am reminded that NOT so long ago, I was staring at a wall as I sat in my office, with tears streaming down my face, as every day I could still hear the screams, the sirens the cries of that day.  I could still hearing the footsteps running, and feel the rain on my face, and the mud, and rain on my feet.  I couldn't walk in my house, or out of my house without be reminded of the worst day of our lives and just how broken and shattered we all were.  My children all struggled to sleep at night, and every night as soon as my feet hit the first step, dread was felt..... the dread of walking up the stairs, turning to the right, and walking down the hall. Having to pass Seth's lifeless, unused room..... heartbreak was felt, tears fell like rain, and sorrow ran so deep I didn't know how I could possibly survive another day.

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing" Joel 2:13-14

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

Then HIS plans for our family came to life, they became our reality, our time of suffering would be changing, though still mourning, GOODNESS would be poured over us and into us.  The news of a new home, and a new precious little life would be spoken deep into our hearts.  Now as I sit in my office, and look around, I am reminded of just how much HE loves us.  All because we TRUSTED HIM< and we learned the value of wait for it...... of wait to SEE ALL the GOOD that HE is doing, and will do even in the midst of sorrow, sadness, and pain.   HIS promises came true for our family, for my life for my journey, that we, I, Heather could most definitely TRUST in HIM that HE was doing a good thing, and that I, Heather would SEE HIS goodness in the land of the living.

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord  in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

Today instead of getting worked up, upset, and freaked out when the I find myself having to be back in the waves, I will remember that HE is the creator of those waves, HE'S got me, and if I just remember to wait for it.... HE will rescue me, HE will LIGHT HIS peaceful, peace filled path that I am to walk.  HE will give me the strength to face whatever it is that comes onto HIS path, and HE will give me the courage to stand, be still..... and wait for HIM.

"He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." Matthew 8:26

"You answer us with awesome and righteous deeds,  God our Savior,the hope of all the ends of the earth  and of the farthest seas, who formed the mountains by your power,  having armed yourself with strength,  who stilled the roaring of the seas,  the roaring of their waves,  and the turmoil of the nations.  The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders;  where morning dawns, where evening fades,  you call forth songs of joy."  Psalm 65:5-8 

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, oh my friends, I know how badly your hearts hurt at the trials, struggles, and storms that you have endured.  I promise dear ones if you let HIM, HE will show you and prove to you that you are NEVER alone in any of it.  I pray that if you have had the courage to take heart and know that HE is in the details of your life, I pray that you will also have the courage to wait for it, and wait for HIM to make all the wrong in your life, right.  I pray that you will know that growing isn't without pains, but dear friends, know that those pains have a purpose, HIS purpose to grow you strong, to endure, to walk, to run, to stand, to fight, to LIVE.  I pray today you will know that HE has an amazing plan for your life, and all HE needs you to do is wait for HIM.

"“Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you" Jeremiah 32:17

Always with so much love, compassion, prayers, grace and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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