HIS Daily Teachings today was to remind me of my bible study from the other day. How quickly through one day of NOT seeking HIM as I was dealing with a sick child yesterday did I forget my spiritual open heart surgery. As I began to go through my journal and read what I learned on that particular day, I realized that HE wasn't just going to stop there. No, true to HIS word, HE was going to take me even further than I "thought" HE would, and once again I would be left to eat a HUGE slice of humble pie.
In order for you to understand how this came about, HE is asking me to tell you about my day yesterday. What started off as strong with me getting things done around the house, quickly became the excuses as to why I couldn't continue. What I know now is that I had allowed my heart to be conditioned to be angry at one of my children, and by 4 p.m. this MAMA was on FIRE!
My poor nine year old daughter was on the receiving end of my wrath. As she began to question why she had the responsibilities she had, I lit into her. I began to speak to her in a way less-than GOD honoring way. I spent so much time speaking down to her, that I failed to see how much I pushed her in the ground just so I could feel better about myself, and "feel" more comfortable about the excuses that I had been making all day long. Before I went to sleep last night, I apologized to GOD, and NOT to her, but I did pour my heart out to HIM, however even though I "thought" I truly meant it, I know now that I wasn't even close to being sorry.
I once shared this saying on facebook that went something like this: "that time where you punish your child for acting just like you." YES here it comes, HUMBLE PIE! As I began to journal this morning all my mind could think of is, "LORD I NEED YOU, HELP ME TO KEEP AN OPEN HEART!"
HE is teaching me that living with an open heart means coming to HIM when HE calls me, NOT when I "feel" like it. HE has reminded me of that by showing me that I, Heather EXPECT my children to obey me RIGHT NOW! HE has shown me that when they "fail" to obey me I get angry, and how quickly I lose grace for them. Today is letting me know that even though there are times where I don't obey HIM right now, HIS grace NEVER runs out for me. Instead, HE continues to call my name until I answer HIM.
Now this is NOT to say that things are easy, in fact just the opposite. If anything when I fail to obey HIM right now, that is when things get tough, as that is when I decide that "my way" is much better than "HIS way." How foolish I am in my thinking, and how exasperated I would be if I were my own parent.
Now there is a saddening thought. If I had to choose to be a Mama to someone, I wouldn't choose my own self. So naturally GOD is letting me know that the very thing that drives me up one wall and down the other, is exactly WHO my own children are, as they are JUST LIKE ME. GAHHHHHH!!!! LORD, are you kidding me?!? Okay, okay, so I've had enough of this humble pie, moving on................. please???
If ever I doubt will HE ever stop teaching me, HE is so quick to remind me that HE will NEVER be done teaching me. HE is wanting me to know that keeping an open heart means abandoning all logic, and trusting HIM completely. HE is telling me that I must let go of what the world is telling me I should do, and listen to HIM as HE is the one who truly understands what I need to do.
With an open heart means living just as JESUS did, with a heart for people. Full of love, and compassion, understanding, and grace. To see people beyond their hurt, beyond their sin. To love in a way that they will see JESUS within me loving them. Oh how I long for the day when other's will see HIM in me, and I won't make so many foolish mistakes.
As always HE is reminding me of what I am supposed to be doing through a song of worship, one of which brings me to my knees every time I hear it, and sing it. "My Soul Now to Stand" by Hillsong United has once again reminded me of WHO HE is, and what I am called to do.
"You stood before my failure Carried the Cross for my shame My sin weighed upon Your shoulders My soul now to stand So what can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart O God