Thursday, June 4, 2015


For the past few weeks an extreme heaviness has been felt in our home.  Heaviness as each new first is experienced without Seth.  Our hearts break all over again, as we go through each new first with the realization that forever in this lifetime we will be making new family memories without him.  It never fails that as soon as that realization hits..... I fall...... hard...... and flat......

To be honest this past few weeks has been rough for me, as each of my children have begun to openly grieve the loss of their little brother.  Through their tears they have shared their anguish from their own realizations of what forever in this lifetime looks like for them.  My oldest said through tears the other day, "Mama he's not going to be at my wedding...... I'm going to have to tell my husband all about him..... and one day Mama I'm going to have to tell my children about their awesome uncle Seth that is waiting to meet them in Heaven."  This conversation leveled me as the tears streamed from her eyes, and I could feel her anguish in each of her words that she spoke.

For months D and I have struggled watching each of our children suffer immensely from lack of sleep.  Not because they weren't trying to sleep, but because they were so incredibly frightened to sleep.  For months we have prayed over them every night, and on the nights were they have actually slept.... they were met with terrifying nightmares.  Some of which relived the worst day of our lives, and torments of sights, sounds, and feelings from that day.  

I can tell you as their Mama I have never felt more helpless then to see the fear in their eyes as they relive these nightmares, and see the look of unbearable, unfathomable pain and anguish on each of their precious faces.  Never in my life have I struggled so much to keep it together, to be strong for each of them as they fall apart in mine and D's arms.  Never have I been so tested in my FAITH in HIM and for HIM, that even though we are literally walking through hell right now, HE is, and will make ALL of this turn out for HIS good.  

I have struggled immensely with keeping my heart and mind right, as I have prayed so intently for HIM to keep my eyes focused on only him.  However, since I am totally human I have failed miserably each time that one of my precious four fall apart.  It never fails that no matter how strong I may be feeling on that particular day, as soon as the attacks begin on my children.... this Mama..... oh this Mama, comes completely undone.

That is until........ yesterday.  Yesterday was a life changing moment for me.  The night before I reached on out social media and asked for much needed prayer.  I pour my heart out of all the things that we were struggling with as a family, and with tears streaming down my face I typed, "LORD JESUS, please come."

"He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him." Psalm 91:15

Feeling so completely depleted yesterday morning, I began to pray and ask for guidance, wisdom, and strength.  I watched Joyce Meyer preach about having a good attitude during trials, tests, and tribulations, and  prayed that I too could have a good attitude.  My best friend had spoken some hard truth to me that morning, and I knew it was HIS message sent specifically for me.  I prayed the entire day, that somehow, someway, I would just finally get it.  That somehow I would be able to surrender ALL of my fears, sorrow, anguish, pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, and bitterness to HIM. 

"Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5

"That, however, is not the way of life you learned  when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:20-24

I had just about given up ALL HOPE that HE was going to lead me to freedom when I had reached my breaking point, and slowly climbed our stairs to get ready for bed. By the time I reached the top of the stairs, I could feel HIM speaking straight to my heart.  It was in that very moment that I heard HIM say to me:

"I know how much you are hurting from losing Seth.  I know how much you are struggling from everything that you have gone through in the past.  Don't you know that Seth doesn't live in the past, HE lives with me, and with you in the FUTURE, he's waiting for you, with ME, in Eternity, and the ONLY way for you to get to there from where you are is to LIVE.  Live this life I have chosen for you.  Live this life to the fullest.  Live this life with TRUST for ME, that you know that I have amazing plans for your life.  Don't let the SETBACKS take precedence in your life, rather keep your eyes focused on MY truth that I am with you always.  Keep your eyes, heart, and mind focused on ME and what I have called you to do.  Open your heart, and eyes to this wonderful new little life I am sending to be with you.  TRUST ME, I have EVERYTHING worked out, I love you, I've got you... let go of the SETBACKS, and SEE ALL the good that I am doing in your life.  Move forward with GREAT EXPECTATIONS that I am doing a good work in you and through you.  TRUST ME and know that your mess WILL be your ministry.  ALL this is for MY purpose for you.  TRUST ME."

In hearing ALL that HE had said to me, it started to sink in as I began to soak in ALL of HIS words. I knew that it was indeed HIM, as it ALL aligned with HIS word, and it was in that very moment that I felt much needed relief wash over me. After an hour long conversation with my best friend, I climbed into bed and prayed. "LORD JESUS, I surrender..... ALL..... all pain, heartache, anguish, pain, animosity, resentment, bitterness, fear, sorrow, ALL of it..... I surrender LORD this is a burden that I can no longer carry.... LORD take all this heaviness off of me, and please LORD bless me with peaceful sleep. Bless me with much needed peaceful, uninterrupted sleep."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Today has been a new day entirely as I have now shifted my focus from setbacks to LIVING in the here and NOW.  HIS perspective has given me a renewed sense of confidence that HE loves me, and HE has a unique and amazing plan for my life  Today HE is filling me with HIS true confidence that NOT only did I survive the worst day of my life, I am surviving this living nightmare, and that HE is creating in me a NEW JOY that is changing this living nightmare to becoming  known as today I am living a truly Blessed LIFE.  

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Today has been the first day in quite some time where I can truly SEE HIS plan and purpose for my life.  Today HE has placed the desire deep into my heart to grow HIS ministry in my life once again.  Today HE has taken me on a journey of preparation and planning to begin this next phase of my purpose.  Today HE has reminded me that I am FOREVER anchored in HIS HOPE, HE loves me, and HE CHOSE me to BE the woman that I am today.  Today I am SEEING this life that I have been given through a new set of lenses.  Through HIS eyes, I am SEEING HIS plan and HIS purpose for my life.  Today I am being made strong to know that I am LIVING this life the way that HE has always intended.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you." John 15:16

Today I feel like SHOUTING from the ROOFTOPS, I have decided to follow JESUS and there is NO turning back!!!! Today HE has set me FREE from the bondage's, and lies of the enemy that I will always been in tremendous pain, that I will NEVER escape.  Today I am LIVING in HIS truth that my precious one year old son Seth is waiting for me, and when my time on Earth here is through, I WILL meet him on the bridge into forever, and I will hold him oh, so tight, and know that I will NEVER EVER have to let him go.  Today "goodbye" is being made temporary,  when I think of FOREVER it is in terms of Eternity, and NOT this life.  Today I am letting go of the setbacks and focusing on HIM, and moving forward.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you,  who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:3-9

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my fervent prayer that you too will come to the understanding that HE doesn't want you to hurt from the setbacks in your own life.  I pray that you will know that HE NEVER intended for you to keep living in your past, and holding onto grudges, and hangups from wrongs that others have done to you.  I pray today that you will know that TRUE FREEDOM can ONLY be found in HIM, in HIS truth.  I pray today that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and ask HIM to speak HIS truth straight to your heart.  I pray today is the day that you too will refocus your eyes from setbacks to HIS promises, and start LIVING each day with moving forward in HIS plan, and HIS purpose for your life.

Always with love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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