To be honest this past few weeks has been rough for me, as each of my children have begun to openly grieve the loss of their little brother. Through their tears they have shared their anguish from their own realizations of what forever in this lifetime looks like for them. My oldest said through tears the other day, "Mama he's not going to be at my wedding...... I'm going to have to tell my husband all about him..... and one day Mama I'm going to have to tell my children about their awesome uncle Seth that is waiting to meet them in Heaven." This conversation leveled me as the tears streamed from her eyes, and I could feel her anguish in each of her words that she spoke.
For months D and I have struggled watching each of our children suffer immensely from lack of sleep. Not because they weren't trying to sleep, but because they were so incredibly frightened to sleep. For months we have prayed over them every night, and on the nights were they have actually slept.... they were met with terrifying nightmares. Some of which relived the worst day of our lives, and torments of sights, sounds, and feelings from that day.
I can tell you as their Mama I have never felt more helpless then to see the fear in their eyes as they relive these nightmares, and see the look of unbearable, unfathomable pain and anguish on each of their precious faces. Never in my life have I struggled so much to keep it together, to be strong for each of them as they fall apart in mine and D's arms. Never have I been so tested in my FAITH in HIM and for HIM, that even though we are literally walking through hell right now, HE is, and will make ALL of this turn out for HIS good.
I have struggled immensely with keeping my heart and mind right, as I have prayed so intently for HIM to keep my eyes focused on only him. However, since I am totally human I have failed miserably each time that one of my precious four fall apart. It never fails that no matter how strong I may be feeling on that particular day, as soon as the attacks begin on my children.... this Mama..... oh this Mama, comes completely undone.
That is until........ yesterday. Yesterday was a life changing moment for me. The night before I reached on out social media and asked for much needed prayer. I pour my heart out of all the things that we were struggling with as a family, and with tears streaming down my face I typed, "LORD JESUS, please come."
"He will call on me, and I will answer him;
Feeling so completely depleted yesterday morning, I began to pray and ask for guidance, wisdom, and strength. I watched Joyce Meyer preach about having a good attitude during trials, tests, and tribulations, and prayed that I too could have a good attitude. My best friend had spoken some hard truth to me that morning, and I knew it was HIS message sent specifically for me. I prayed the entire day, that somehow, someway, I would just finally get it. That somehow I would be able to surrender ALL of my fears, sorrow, anguish, pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, and bitterness to HIM.
"Show me your ways, ,Guide me in your truth and teach me,
I had just about given up ALL HOPE that HE was going to lead me to freedom when I had reached my breaking point, and slowly climbed our stairs to get ready for bed. By the time I reached the top of the stairs, I could feel HIM speaking straight to my heart. It was in that very moment that I heard HIM say to me:
"I know how much you are hurting from losing Seth. I know how much you are struggling from everything that you have gone through in the past. Don't you know that Seth doesn't live in the past, HE lives with me, and with you in the FUTURE, he's waiting for you, with ME, in Eternity, and the ONLY way for you to get to there from where you are is to LIVE. Live this life I have chosen for you. Live this life to the fullest. Live this life with TRUST for ME, that you know that I have amazing plans for your life. Don't let the SETBACKS take precedence in your life, rather keep your eyes focused on MY truth that I am with you always. Keep your eyes, heart, and mind focused on ME and what I have called you to do. Open your heart, and eyes to this wonderful new little life I am sending to be with you. TRUST ME, I have EVERYTHING worked out, I love you, I've got you... let go of the SETBACKS, and SEE ALL the good that I am doing in your life. Move forward with GREAT EXPECTATIONS that I am doing a good work in you and through you. TRUST ME and know that your mess WILL be your ministry. ALL this is for MY purpose for you. TRUST ME."
In hearing ALL that HE had said to me, it started to sink in as I began to soak in ALL of HIS words. I knew that it was indeed HIM, as it ALL aligned with HIS word, and it was in that very moment that I felt much needed relief wash over me. After an hour long conversation with my best friend, I climbed into bed and prayed. "LORD JESUS, I surrender..... ALL..... all pain, heartache, anguish, pain, animosity, resentment, bitterness, fear, sorrow, ALL of it..... I surrender LORD this is a burden that I can no longer carry.... LORD take all this heaviness off of me, and please LORD bless me with peaceful sleep. Bless me with much needed peaceful, uninterrupted sleep."