Sunday, April 26, 2015


If I ever even doubted for one second whether or NOT HE loves me, let me tell you about the past three days of my life.  Beginning on Thursday I was blessed to be apart of 2600 women WHO began to hear this amazing message from HIM about  Past the Wishing when it came to courage and bravery.  What began as what I "thought" as just an encouraging message, would soon break me in ways that I had yet to be broken in this journey of grief that I am walking with HIM.

On Friday the guest speaker was Singer/Songwriter Natalie Grant.  She sat down with her guitarist and began to sing an acoustic set.  She told the stories of how the songs that she was singing came to be, WHO they were about etc.  As soon as she began to tell the story of her friend whose two month old died suddenly in her arms with NO warning.... well the alarm bells began to go off in my head, as to say, "brace yourself Heather, your a goner....."  It was then she began to sing "Held."  

"Two months is too little. They let him go. They had no sudden healing. To think that providence. Would take a child from his mother, While she prays, is appalling"

Before I knew it, the tears began to flow, and I found sixty women all praying for me, these women that HE so lovingly picked to be my soul sisters.  They all gathered around me, jumped over me to get closer to me, held my hands, my arms, my legs, my shoulders, every part of me was being prayed for as I sat there, drenched in tears, coming completely undone.

The tears didn't stop at that song, as she went right into the next song called "better hands" which took me even deeper into my tears, and out into the waves of sorrow.  Finishing off the set with "it is well with my soul"  where I slowly began to be able to breathe again, as my soul sisters were still beside me, holding me, praying for me, and over me.  Rows and Rows of women, my soul sisters  WHOM I would find out later that were all rallying around me. 

When the worship time was over, my soul sister N sat beside me, held my hand, and with tears streaming down her face she said, "you can't do this alone, you are SO loved, we love you.... you have to let us help you with this.  You have to let us carry this with you.  You don't have to do this alone."

While I was sitting there paralyzed in tears, and mortified that I was coming completely undone while sitting with 2600 women,  HE began to speak to my heart.  

"Do you know how much I love you?  Can you feel MY love?  You don't have to do any of this alone.... can you feel MY arms around you?  I'm holding you..... I know how much it hurts, I know how much you miss Seth....... I know how hard this is, and how broken your heart is.  I am here, I am always here, holding you...... you can BE BRAVE because I am with you, and I'm NEVER going to leave you."

I wish I could say that is ALL it took, however since we've already established in ALL of my other posts that I am indeed a sloooooow learner.  It took until late last night, as I kept thinking about every thing that I heard at the conference.  Asking HIM, what would it look like for me to move Past the Wishing in grieving the loss of my precious son Seth?  HE began to speak so clearly to my heart, by bringing me right back into the messages I have been hearing for the past year really.

It is of NO coincidence that that theme of MOPS this past year was BE YOU BRAVELY. That I would be given a courage key just three short weeks before I would lose my precious little one year old.   That a beautiful necklace representing my children and a another key that said "BRAVE" would be gifted to me so lovingly by one of my mentor mom's, and soul-sister.  I am NOT surprised that I was given a necklace yesterday that says "I am BRAVE."   Knowing full well that HE teaches me in themes I am NOT surprised that the message at church the past few weeks has been about "I've got this, not that I Heather, got this, but rather HE, my LORD and SAVIOR, GOD OF THE UNIVERSE, my CREATOR has got this.  This being ALL of my pain, sadness, sorrow, anguish, tears, suffering, grief, JOY, light, purpose, ALL of it, HE's got this!"

HIS Daily Teachings today is speaking straight to my heart about how with HIM, and through HIM, I can, and I will BE BRAVE.  Through a song we sang at this conference called "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Church.  HE lead me straight to the song on Youtube, playing it over and over again, till HIS message penetrates my heart, and shuts out, shuts down, and shuts up the lies of the enemy that I'm broken, NEVER to be fixed, rather I will always be depressed, sad, upset, and angry with HIM for allowing this tragedy to happen to my family.

"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding tothe truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44

HIS voice is coming in LOUD and CLEAR.  It's time for me to BE BRAVE.  To BE BRAVE in my tears, and NOT hide them from the HELP, HIS HOLY SPIRIT that HE is sending through each of my soul sisters and brothers  to help shoulder this horrendous burden of grieving my precious sweet baby Sethie.  HE is telling me it's time for me to BE BRAVE in my pain, NOT that I won't feel my pain, but so that I will know that my pain is for a purpose, for HIS great purpose, that it means something.  That though it seems so incredibly unfair in this lifetime, HE promises one day I will understand that everything that HE allows will be made right by HIM.  

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever" John 14:16

" He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

HE is wanting me to know that it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to celebrate HIS JOY in my life.  HE is telling me that HE knows how I've been holding back in celebrating, as I have feared in doing so, it's like forgetting that my son died, what our family went through, and that in choosing HIS JOY I am leaving my precious little Seth behind.  HE knows this very thought stops me in my tracks, and brings me straight to my knees. 

"May he be pleased by all these thoughts about him, for he is the source of all my joy." Psalm 104:34

HE is telling me it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to be brought to my knees.  That when I allow HIM to bring me to HIM, as when I'm on my knees, I'm in full surrender, as that is when I realize I can't do any of this without HIM.  HE is telling me that with HIM and through HIM HE will teach me to BE BRAVE enough to grieve.  Just thinking about what that means, breaks me even further, as truthfully I'm afraid to grieve anymore than I already have.

" I have cried until the tears no longer come; my heart is broken, my spirit poured out, as I see what has happened to my people; little children and tiny babies are fainting and dying in the street" Lamentations 2:11

"He is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trusted in him, and he helped me. Joy rises in my heart until I burst out in songs of praise to him." Psalm 28:7

HE is telling me that HE knows, and wants me to rend my heart to HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through my grief, so HE can speak HIS truth through my grief, so that I will feel HIS amazing love, and in feeling how much HE loves me, I will be filled with HIS strength....... enough strength to BE BRAVE.

"Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and relent and leave behind a blessing—" Joel 2:13-14

HE is wanting me to know that its time for me to move Past the Wishing that I could BE BRAVE enough to let others in.  The help that HE has sent specifically for me, to help me, so that I would have HIS constant reminder that I am NEVER alone.  HE is letting me know that HE knows how much I hurt when I am being put through the fire.  So much that HE sent my soul sister M to speak HIS words straight to my heart yesterday in reminding me of the process of refining a diamond.  The moment she spoke, HE took me back into my early days of my walk with HIM, in reminding me what my therapist taught me about how when we go through these really hard things in our lives, it's like the refining process of a diamond.

"This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people, and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God." Zechariah 13:9

"For you, God, tested us;  you refined us like silver." Psalm 66:10

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."Isaiah 48:10

" These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

HE is telling me that today I can BE BRAVE enough to be put through the fire.  HE is promising that HE will soothe the parts that ache from the refining process, and that with each time I allow HIM to refine me, HE will strengthen and grow my FAITH in HIM, and for HIM.  HE is telling me that with each step I take deep into the fire, HE promises that I will emerge even stronger that I was when I was BRAVE enough to step into the fire. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him." Psalm 40:1-3

HE is wanting me to BE BRAVE enough to surrender ALL of me, so that HE can teach me to SHINE HIS light.   HE is asking me once again to be ALL IN with HIM, so that I will know that NO matter what happens in my life, HE will be there to help me.  HE is speaking straight to my heart in saying it's time for me to BE BRAVE enough to face my paralyzing fear of loss.  

" Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you.” Luke 11:36

HE is telling me that HE knows, HE SEE's how much I am struggling to TRUST HIM completely, as there is a deep and real fear of going ALL IN, as the fear of loss weighs so heavily on every decision I am making these days.  HE is reminding me that HE NEVER said I wouldn't have fear,rather that when I felt fear, felt afraid, I can be rest assured through HIS Blessed Assurance that HE is there, and when I seek HIM, HE will make me BRAVE as HE will give me the courage to withstand the storm, and will give me the patience to endure the suffering while I wait on HIS timing and HIS provision to bring me through the fire. 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

As if the songs, the messages weren't enough at the conference, HE is reminding me of HIS word that was spoken in such a way that when I realized what I was hearing, I couldn't help but to smile, as it was then HE took me back into this past November and HIS vision, that HE placed deep into my heart.  A vision that I would begin to pray for, and pray over fervently for the past almost six months.  A vision that HE would place deep into my heart just one month into grieving the loss of my precious son.  A vision that in HIS timing I will reveal to you all, as I can't wait, as HE is just that GOOD, and it just solidifies how much HE loves me, and how much HE desires greatly for me to NOT only know of HIS love, but to experience HIS amazing, unfailing, unconditional, unending, and relentless love.  

"And then God answered: “Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness
pointing to what’s coming.It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time." Habakkuk 2:2-3 The Message Bible

HE is reminding me of the dinner I had Monday night with my soul sister S where she she lovingly spoke that the reason why I struggle so deeply  with being told that I am BRAVE, Strong, and an inspiration is because the reason I am ALL of those things is because I have suffered such tremendous loss.   HE is telling me that is HIS TRUTH, and in knowing that I am learning that I am ALL of those things because HE made me that way.

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day." Psalm 139:14 The Message Bible

HE is the ONE WHO makes me BRAVE.  HE is the ONE WHO has called me into the ocean and allows the waves to crash over me, to teach me to depend on HIM fully.  HE is the ONE WHO teaches me daily that I am a mess, HIS beautiful mess.  HE is wanting me to know that NEVER do I have to cringe at ALL that I am, as I am HIS, and HE made me,and allowed the things that HE did, so bring me close to HIM, so that HE could transform, renew, and refine me to be like HIM.

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers
 have swept over me." Psalm 42:7

HE is telling me that today is the day that I choose to let go..... to allow HIM to BE BRAVE enough to let HIM break me.   HE is promising that though I am broken, I am beautifully broken, and that HE is putting me back together.  In such a way that the more I am brought out into the ocean, the harder the waves will have to crash to even make me move.  

"The Lord of Heaven’s Armies has spoken—who can change his plans?When his hand is raised,  who can stop him?” Isaiah 14:27

Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to admit that I need HIM.  Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to follow HIM, as HE is my LORD and SAVIOR.  Today I am choosing to BE BRAVE enough to be right where HE has placed me, and even though it's NOT where I want to be, I will praise HIM, as I am NO where near where I used to be.  Today I am writing this blog, HIS loving message to ALL of you WHO are reading this that it's time for ALL of us to BE BRAVE enough to TRUST HIM, to know that HE is AUTHOR and the Perfecter of our FAITH, and HE will NEVER fail us, NOT even once.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6

" Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Roman 12:12

"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  it is my fervent prayer that you will know that though the world may teach you that suffering is weak and that in order to be a "true Christian" all you have to do is have stronger faith, that somehow you have failed if you are suffering as you lacked in FAITH.  I pray that you will know that it is because of your FAITH in trusting HIM, and allowing HIM to put you through the fire, that HE is refining, renewing, restoring, and and transforming you.  I pray today that if you too are suffering you will know that you are NEVER alone and with HIM, and through HIM you will choose to BE BRAVE.

" But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

with so much love, prayers, compassion, grace, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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