being Mama

For the greater part of this season of Motherhood that I am in, I have lived in the darkness.  Being Mama has been my greatest challenge, as I grew up without a Mama myself, and the women that I did have in my life weren't anything that even closely resembled a Mama to me.  They were Mama's to others, but for some reason, I was kept in the darkness when it came to having someone who was being Mama to me.

I wasn't a little girl who ever dreamed of becoming a Mama one day, or who dreamnt of her wedding, and what she would wear.  So naturally when I met my soul-mate, my husband of now 15 years, I was thrown completely off guard that we would marry 3.5 years later, and just four months after that I would venture into this role of being Mama.  

I remember when we brought M home from the hospital.  She was amazing to me, and I pinched myself over and over again in my disbelief that I was someone's Mama.  For the first few weeks of her precious little life all I could do was stare in awe at her, her beauty, her sweetness, her gentleness, and her calmness.  I would hold her up close to my heart, and rub my cheek across her tiny, sweet little head for hours.  I would sing to her, and rock her, and just love her as I had never loved anyone in my entire life.  

As she began to grow, and become more demanding, the reality of being Mama was really setting in.  D was in his senior year in college, and worked two jobs on top of that to make ends meet for us.  He was a loving daddy to our precious baby girl, and he was a loving, and supportive husband.  However, D could sense that something was brewing inside of me, something that would ultimately "try" and almost destroy our family.

Nineteen short months after I earned my role of being Mama, D and I welcomed our next precious baby girl C.  She like her sister was sweet, gentle, and beautiful.  C wasn't as calm as M was, but it didn't matter as I was her Mama, and as I would soon learn, I had to relearn what my role of being Mama was.  It was when C was born that my patience would be tested as it had never been before, and where I would learn to really lean on D for his love and his support.

It has been 13 years since we welcomed our second precious baby girl, and we now have 3 more children, one beautiful nine year old daughter, and two handsome sons, ages 5, and 18 months.  I always laugh when I see the expressions on someone's face when they learn how many children D and I have.  I laugh, because I am still in awe that HE has called me to this life where being Mama, means Mama to many.  I laugh because in this season of motherhood there are so many times where I haven't a clue as to what I am doing.  Thankfully HE has blessed me with 5 amazing children who show me daily that though I may not get everything right all the time, I sure am doing some things right.

HIS Daily Teachings today is showing me that being Mama means that I am chasing after HIM daily to show me how to teach, love, and support my precious five.  Not only that, HE is showing me how to be loyal to my children, by continuing to show them HIS love, and for asking HIM to create in me a heart like HIS so that they will be able to see HIM through me, and in me every single day.

Yesterday the message at church was about what Being Mama means for me.  Actually our Pastor said Mother, but for some reason I don't really like being called Mother, as my children are fully aware, so they lovingly call me Mama.  To me that is the greatest name in the world, and though I couldn't put it into words, the message at church yesterday spoke volumes to my heart.

HE is wanting me to know that being Mama means that I am called to be protective to my children.  HE is showing me that this is the reason why I am a ferocious Mama Bear.  HE is wanting me to know that even though I didn't have anyone to protect me when I was growing up, by seeking HIM daily and asking HIM to teach, lead, and guide me, I am learning that it is not only just for my growing in HIM, but so that I will model that for my children, and so that I will be the protective Mama that they deserve.

HE is teaching that being Mama means that I am called to be supportive of my children.  Thankfully just because their Mama didn't have dreams and aspirations, HE is showing me that they do.  HE is showing me daily just how to be supportive to them, in helping them achieve their goals.  HE is telling me that I am doing this by talking to them daily about where HE is working in their lives, and what do they feel as if though HE is telling them to do.  Daily I am blessed that being Mama means that I get to witness HIS Daily Teachings through the lives of my children.

HE is telling me that being Mama means that I am called to be a teacher to my children.  HE is wanting me to know that since the very moment I became Mama, I have been teaching my amazing 5.  HE is showing me that without even realizing it, by modeling HIS love, HIS hope, HIS grace, HIS mercy, and most of all HIS forgiveness, I am passing those characteristics on to my children.  HE is teaching me that as HE teaches me daily, when I choose to live out HIS Daily Teachings, I in turn am being Mama to my 5 children, and they are seeing HIM through me.

HE is wanting me to know that in being Mama means that I must choose to support them in their dreams. HE is showing me that though they may not be doing what I "think" they should be doing, it doesn't mean that they are doing the wrong thing.  HE is wanting me to understand that HE has it all worked out for their good, and HE is asking me to trust HIM, and to BELIEVE HIM that just as my story has already been written, so has my children's.  

This morning HE is bringing me out of the wilderness of darkness, and showing me how far I have come from where I used to be.  HE is wanting me to know that through this current breakthrough HIS light is shining and it's not only shining for me, but for everyone whom I encounter to see.    HE is teaching me that through this breakthrough I am learning and understanding more than ever what being Mama means for my life.

As we were driving home yesterday I was comforted with the thought of, though I didn't have someone being Mama in my life, HE is creating in me a desire, to seek HIM to show me daily what being Mama is for me.  I am thankful to know that I have been awakened to my calling, which is HIS purpose for my life.  It has been this past week that I have begun to say, "the story has already been written, and I am blessed enough to live it."

This morning I am filled with gratitude that HE is renewing and refining me so that the very thought of being Mama warms my heart, and makes me want to be more like HIM as each day passes.  I am thankful that my children recognize that I am striving daily, and seeking HIM to create in me a heart like HIS.  I am thankful that they know that though I didn't grow up with a Mama, I sure am blessed to be theirs.

As I continue on this journey with HIM in being Mama, HE is leading me out of the wilderness of darkness that I have been in for so long.  HE is sustaining me,  helping me with every single step I am taking.  HE is telling me that when I fully surrender and rely on HIM, HE will supply my every need.  HE is telling me that in being Mama means that I am to honor HIM with my life.

In my journey with HIM, HE is showing me that being Mama means I will no longer be in the dark, and be unsure of how to be Mama, rather HIS light will shine in every single area where darkness looms.  It is through HIS Daily Teachings that HIS light is shining in me and through me, and where HE makes HIS presence known to me each and every single day.

HE is telling me that HE is turning my wilderness of darkness into a pool of HIS living water.  HE is wanting me to know that the thirst that I have for being Mama is being quenched by HIS loving HOLY SPIRIT, as HE continues to teach, lead, and guide me to being Mama to my amazing 5.  HE is wanting me to know that in seeking HIM to show me what being Mama means for me, I am being rescued from the lies that have held me captive of which have kept me from being Mama the way my children deserve.  HE is showing me that in being set free to live with HIS true freedom, means that I will be truly living as HE has always intended for me to live.

"He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs; there he brought the hungry to live,and they founded a city where they could settle. They sowed fields and planted vineyards that yielded a fruitful harvest; he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased, and he did not let their herds diminish." 
Psalm 107:35-38


Today I am clinging to HIS words, that are showing me and reminding me of what being Mama means for me.  Today I am thankful that HE has captured my heart once again, and who is strengthening my faith in HIM, and creating in me a desire to know HIM more, and for there to be so much more of HIM in me.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:  “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.   Honor her for all that her hands have done,and let her works bring her praise at the city gate." Proverbs 31:25-31

I pray today that if you didn't have, or still don't have someone who is being Mama to you, that you will turn to HIM, as HE knows the desires of your heart.  I pray that you will seek HIM, and ask HIM to create in you a heart like HIS, so that you will be a protective, supportive, loyal, teacher of HIS word.  I pray that when you choose to live your life according to HIS will, that your life will be a living testament of HIS goodness, and HIS grace.  I pray today that you will know that where it all seems hopeless, HE is your hope!

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul" Hebrews 6:19

Blessings,
Heather 

On Purpose

For the past few days I have struggled with being able to write the blog.  Feeling frustrated like I wasn't hearing what HE has been teaching me, I've pretty much stayed away from my journal, and have only been seeking HIM here and there.  Yesterday was the wake-up call I had been needing.  Yesterday was HIM reassuring me that everything that I have gone through, am going through, and will go through, has been On Purpose, as it is HIS purpose for my life.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HIS Daily Teachings today is to let me know that I was created On Purpose and for HIS purpose.  HE is telling me that every single season that I have encountered, am encountering, or will encounter is HIS purpose for my life.  HE is wanting me to know that I wasn't created by chance, I was created On Purpose.  

When I look back on my journey that I have been on with HIM thus far, I see so many sleepless nights full of tears, worry, anger, strife, begging, and pleading that if HE would just please take this pain away for a moment so I could rest.  HE is reminding me of those sleepless nights this morning, as HE woke up at 3 a.m. to come meet HIM, to seek HIM, HIS word, to know what HIS plan is for me in this very moment.

As I tried to write the blog yesterday, complete exhaustion came over me.  I ended up going back to bed, and later when I got up I saw that the Pink Conference at Gateway Church was on Daystar T.V.  I felt a nudge from HIM to watch it, and it was there where HIS Daily Teachings began for me about how everything that is a part of my story has been On Purpose.

The speaker was Elaine Fisher and her message was the story of the crippled woman in Luke chapter thirteen.  It wasn't the first time I heard this story, however it was the first time that I really understood this story, HIS amazing story of this crippled woman who had been crippled for eighteen years, who was unable to stand up, and who one day got up out of bed, and made her way to the Synagogue not knowing that JESUS would be there.  However, because her life was written as it was On Purpose,when she got there, HE saw her, and told her to come to HIM.  When she did, HE declared her free from her sickness, and HE healed her.  It was in that moment that she was no longer crippled, and she stood up straight for the first time in eighteen years.

"On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues,and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all.  When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God." Luke 13:10-13

HE is teaching me that even though I may not know, or realize why things have happened, or are happening, I must know and understand that HE does.  In fact, it has been On Purpose that things have transpired in my life.  HE is wanting me to know that it is because of decisions either I have made, or other's have made that I am where I am today, and they are what have made me WHO I am today.  Today HE is reminding me that my story has already been written, therefore I must realize how blessed I am to be living it.  HE is showing me that even though there has been such heartache, pain, and sadness in my life, it has all been On Purpose for HIS purpose so that I would be able to be the Woman of GOD HE is creating me to be.

HE is showing me once again that of which evil has "tried" to break me with, HE is healing me from.  HE is wanting me to know and trust that HE truly does know what is best for me, and HE truly does love me more than anyone else in this world.  HE is teaching me that my purpose is in HIM.  HE is telling me that HE is healing me so that I will know that HIS plans are amazing for my life.

HE is reminding me once again that there truly is purpose in my brokenness.  HE is wanting me to know that this is the very reason why HE is breaking me down, and pouring HIS light into the lies that have kept me locked up in my own prison about my anger, hatred, and rage.  HE is wanting me to know that this is the very reason why HIS light is being poured into revealing how much my anger, hatred, and rage have affected my children.  I am learning that this is why HE is taking me through this current season of growing, so that not only will I be set free, as it is all been On Purpose, but also so that my children will be set free.

After all, I know that my life is a living testament of HIS story, which I now understand is HIS purpose, which has been On Purpose for my life.  In knowing and understanding HIS purpose for my life.  HE is teaching me that like the crippled woman I have been hunched over in my faith.  Only choosing to see HIM when I receive my breakthroughs.  HE is wanting me to know that I must choose to stand up and see that HE is GOD and HE is good all of the time.  HE is teaching me that through every, trial, test, and storm HE is there, and my soul shall sing, and I shall praise HIM, as I know that it has all been On Purpose. 

In knowing that my life has been On Purpose, I am understanding that this means I must keep my perspective on HIM.  I must keep my focus on HIM, and HIS Daily Teachings, by seeking HIM, and asking HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through another day on my journey towards wholeness with HIM.  In the times that are difficult, and I "feel" as if though I have been forsaken, I must remember that it is all been On Purpose, as HIS purpose to grow and strengthen my faith in HIM.  I know this to be true as HE has proven to me time and again, that HIS hope truly is the anchor to my soul.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul" Hebrews 6:19

HE is wanting me to know and understand that I must NEVER disqualify, what HE has qualified.  HE is teaching me that this means, even when I don't understand why, or don't feel HIM teaching me, I must continue to surrender my life to HIM, to choose HIM daily, to seek HIM, to know that everything in my story has been written On Purpose.

HE is wanting me to know today that just as HE saw the crippled woman in the crowd, HE sees me as well. HE is wanting me to know that with HIM, I am never lost in the crowd, and I will never be forsaken by HIM.  HE is telling me that I must choose to stand up  in HIS presence, and allow HIM to transform and renew my heart, soul, and mind.

"The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance." Acts 12:6

HE is teaching me that though I may be in a dire situation, nothing surprises HIM, as it is On Purpose that I am in this situation.  HE is wanting me to know that just as HE gave Peter rest during his captivity, HE will do the same for me. Therefore, I must keep my focus on HIM, and not my problems.  I must choose to remember that everything is On Purpose for HIS purpose to refine me into being the Woman of GOD HE calls me to be.  HE is wanting me to know that in choosing to keep my focus on HIM, HE will give me the rest I need.

HE is wanting me to know that in choosing to live with HIS true freedom, is how I will be able to keep my perspective focused solely on HIM.  HE is telling me that this includes, my marriage, my children, my family, my church, my friends, and well my everything.  HE is teaching me that I must keep my eyes focused on HIM, and know that HE is LORD and HE is in control.

Once again, HE is reminding me that this is the very reason why HE has been teaching me to humble myself. So that I will choose to let go of my foolish pride. To choose to know and understand that it has been all On Purpose for HIS purpose to transform and renew my heart, soul, and mind. To declare that not only did I receive healing, but so that I will be able to shout it, scream it, and tell it to the masses that HE is GOD, HE is GOOD, and HE is Faithful!  

"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

Dear friends, I pray today that you know and understand that your life as it has been written has been On Purpose.  I pray that you will seek HIM to open your eyes to see, that of which evil has "tried" to destroy you with, HE is making you whole.  I pray that you will be filled with HIS peace, and comfort as you continue your journey in seeking HIM and HIS will for your life.  I pray today that you will know that not by chance, rather by HIS love you were created On Purpose for HIS purpose to be WHO HE has called you to be.

Love, and blessings,
Heather 

Divine Forgiveness

Yesterday was a day of tears for me.  The weight of all the hurt, anger, bitterness, and rage poured out of me.  The more I "tried" to just let go, the more things came pouring out.  I cried most of the day, cried out to HIM, to please take away the anger and sadness that consumed me.  I cried for HIM to please free me from my self-destructive ways.  I cried for the pain of my past, of how I defined myself, my self worth based upon people who hurt me, who failed to protect me, and just how wrapped up I was in the enemies lies. 

This morning HE began preparing for HIS Daily Teaching today by reminding me just how much HE loves me.  As I read my "Power Thoughts Devotional" by Joyce Meyer, May 7th's reading was this: "Be "GOD loves me" Minded.  It was through this devotional that HE was able to capture my heart, and my attention to prepare me for what I have been needing to hear.  

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them." 1 John 4:16

When I first started typing the blog this morning, I ran into many road blocks.  Frustrated, I gave up thinking that I wasn't meant to type the blog today.  Little did I know, that HE had much bigger plans in store for me. While getting ready for my day, I started thinking about all the mistakes I've made this past week.  The more I thought about them, the more I could sense HIM saying to me, "NOTHING you could ever say or do would EVER make me love you any less."  

HIS Daily Teachings today is about HIS love for me, HIS awesome, amazing reminders in just how far HE will go to show me just how much HE loves me.  In receiving HIS love and living with HIS true confidence, I know that I am loved by HIM, and because I am loved I want to be HOLY just as HE is HOLY. 

In seeking HIM, and asking HIM to help me to become more HOLY, HE has let me know that its time that I work on forgiveness some more.  This morning HE has let me know that though I "think" I have forgiven those who have hurt me, I really have only forgiven them in human forgiveness.  HE is letting me know that there is a HUGE difference from human forgiveness and HIS Divine Forgiveness.

HE is telling me that in human forgiveness I am merely giving up or forfeiting my right to revenge.  This I know is the world's view on forgiveness.  For most of my life I have chosen human forgiveness, and with that I have shut people out of my life.  This is something that may have worked for me in my past, but now that I have HIM to teach, lead, and guide me on my journey towards wholeness, I know that I need so much more than just shutting people out.  I need total and complete healing, so that I will be able to live out HIS true plan and purpose for my life.

HE is teaching me what HIS Divine Forgiveness has meant for me.  Through Divine Forgiveness my sins have been pardoned or forgiven.  

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

I know this to be true as when I confess my sins, HE forgives me of my sins.  HE has proven HIMSELF time and again to me to be faithful.  In knowing and BELIEVING that HE is faithful, I also know that HE is righteous as HE chooses to forgive me of ALL of my sins.  HE is the only ONE WHO washes ALL of my sins away and WHO cleanses my soul.

HE is telling me that in receiving HIS Divine Forgiveness, my sins have all been forgotten.  This means that anything that I have thought, said, or done, has been wiped away clean, when I chose and boldly declared for HIM to be my LORD and SAVIOR.

"as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

In receiving HIS Divine Forgiveness I live in HIS true confidence that ALL of my sins have been eradicated.  This means that when I chose HIM to be my LORD and SAVIOR, HE gave me new life, and I was reborn.  During my rebirth I received HIS greatest gift to me, and this is HIS HOLY SPIRIT.  In choosing to be lead by HIS HOLY SPIRIT it has become my heart's desire to be free from the strongholds, and bondage's, that I have in my life.  This is how I know and understand why I am typing this blog titled HIS DAILY TEACHINGS.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

It is because of HIS love that I am seeking  HIM more and more each day, and asking HIM to create in me a heart like HIS.  I am learning that HIS love is greater than anything I have ever known in my life, and because of HIS love, I know that I want to do more, and be more than I ever thought or imagined I could be.  This means, forgiving the people who let me down, who hurt me, and who failed to rescue me.  I must understand that the people who failed to rescue me couldn't have, as they weren't rescued themselves.  Even more than that, though they may have been rescued, they didn't realize that because they were rescued they were called to rescue others.  

This is a very sobering thought for me, as I think back on the generations of my family.  The amount of heartaches, heartbreaks, trauma's, suicide's, abuse, divorce, deaths, all those lost souls, who I pray knew JESUS before their time on Earth here is through.  It has become my mission which I BELIEVE is HIS mission for me to change our families legacy.  To accept the challenge that HE has placed in front of me, to which HE has called me to.  To die unto myself, to pick up my cross and carry it daily.  To seek HIM, all of HIM to know HIM, so that I will then be like HIM.  It is my desire for other's to know JESUS through me, to see HIM through me, and to have that same desire created in their hearts, because I was brave enough, courageous enough, strong enough to say YES to HIM to go where HE calls me to go, and to do what HE calls me to do.  

"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

Today I am understanding more about what HIS Divine Forgiveness means for me.  I know that it is through EVERY single test, trial, and storm that is being brought to the surface, that HE is strengthening me.  I must continue to seek HIM, and allow HIM to take me through the storms of my life, so that I will then be able to extend HIS Divine Forgiveness to others.

HE is telling me that the more I seek HIM, and HIS Divine Forgiveness, it is changing me, in the most amazing way.  In allowing  HIM to change me, I am overcoming my strongholds, I am becoming more like HIM, and I am seeing this broken and fallen world through HIS eyes.  HE is once again reminding me that my life is HIS living testament of HIS Divine Forgiveness.  

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

HE is teaching me that in receiving HIS love, living with HIS love, it's all designed to change me.  To create in me a heart for people, to know them and love them as HE loves them.  For me to let go of thinking that my life is about me, and coming alongside of HIM and partnering with HIM to do HIS good works, to go out and rescue the people that it is about!  More than ever, I am understanding that because I have been rescued its now my turn to RESCUE others, and I know that I will only be able to do that when I choose to love as HE loves, and to choose to forgive with HIS Divine Forgiveness.

"Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.  And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister."
1 John 4:20-21

" Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." Matthew 18:21-22 

When I first realized that HE was going to take me through another lesson of forgiveness, I sighed, as I thought, "really again?"  Just from where I was at 5 am this morning, is so different to where I am now.  It's only been five hours, and my how my perception of WHO I am called to be has changed.  Today I am so thankful for HIS vision to see that even though I "think" I am forgiving, I must always to remember to see things as HE sees them, and that includes the people who hurt or fail me.  

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8

I pray today that if you have received HIS Divine Forgiveness, that you will allow HIM to soften your heart to the people who have hurt or failed you.  I pray today that you will know that through HIS Divine Forgiveness, that HIS peace will given to you, that you will know that it doesn't excuse what other people may have done to you.  However it does relieve you from the burden of guilt, hurt, anger, rage, bitterness, and shame.  I pray today that you will seek HIS peace for your life, and allow HIM to be LORD and Savior for your life.  I pray for HIS blessings and favor to be poured over you because of your obedience.

Blessings,
Heather 

consumed

"as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us" Psalm 103:12

Just a few short days ago, I learned that HE would be taking me through yet another breakthrough. . When I realized the reason for it, I was scared, as I knew that this would be my toughest life lesson yet.  This current season of growing that I am in, has been really in my face, as HE uncovers the lies that have kept me consumed by the anger that I have suppressed in my heart for so long.

HIS Daily Teachings today is letting me know that the anger, bitterness, hatred, and at times deadly rage that I have allowed myself to be consumed with has been destroying my life.  HE is telling me that just like the secrets that were buried deep within of my abuse, so is my anger.  HE is wanting me to know that my issue with anger has been disrupting my life for far too long now.  HE is telling me that HE will set me free so that I will then be able to live according to HIS plans, and HIS purpose for my life.

"When we suppress, hurts and damage from childhood, it is not only painful, but it can result in tremendous loss and even rob us of our lives."  Annie Chapman, " A Woman's Answer to Anger"

Today HE is showing me that I have been a person consumed with hatred and bitterness in  my heart.  HE is teaching me that because I have allowed this to manifest in my heart, I haven't been able to love as HE loves, and to think as HE does, and most importantly to be WHO HE has called me to be.  HE is telling me that all of HIS Daily Teachings for the past year have been to prepare me for my greatest challenge yet, and that is to TRUST HIM completely that HE truly does know what is best for me.   HE is wanting me to realize that nothing HE is teaching me is to make me feel bad about myself, but rather to encourage me that I don't have to live in this prison, trapped by anger.  HE is teaching me that in allowing to be consumed by my anger, I have missed out on so many wonderful blessings that HE wants to pour over my life.

Yesterday during worship at church, I felt the weight of my anger come crashing down around me.  The more I sang, the more I cried, and the more I cried, the more the weight of my sins, guilt, shame, burdens, and questions of WHY surfaced.  As always, in true Heather fashion I "tried" to stuff them back down below the surface, however HE had other plans, and through my Pastor's message yesterday, all the pain buried deep within, the anger that has consumed me for so long came creeping out.  By the time church ended I was a complete and total mess.  

I cried most of the day yesterday because this current season of growing has been so hard for me.  Through HIS truth that is being revealed I am realizing that the very anger that has consumed me for so long, is also "trying" to take up residence in the hearts of my children.  In NOT wanting them to have to struggle as I have, HE is teaching me how to rid myself of it, so that I will then be able to teach them how to rid themselves of the anger that has consumed them.

HE is showing me this morning that it never fails that whenever I am going through something with one of my five children, that I seek HIM.  I seek HIM, and ask HIM for HIS vision so that I will then be able to see things as they really are.  Without realizing it, HE has been teaching me this for a long time, as I learned a long time ago that things aren't always as they seem.  I have learned that there is always so much more to the story than what is being told.   I know that I have been blessed to see things HIS way, as I have been given HIS gifts of mercy, discernment, and wisdom.  

In knowing this, HE is showing me that this is the very reason why I have been so consumed by anger.  HE is telling me that the anger comes from the feelings of why didn't the people who were raising me, either my birth-mom, dad, great-grandma, aunt, uncle, grandma, and step-grandfather, why didn't any of them protect me?  

My birth-mom not only physically abused me, but also emotionally, and mentally.  My dad's abuse was mostly emotionally, as he was a very absent father.  My aunt didn't abuse me, as she was being tormented herself in being kept locked up in her own prison without a key.  When I was twenty six, she could no longer hide from her demons, and took her own life.  My uncle scared me to death as a little girl.  He would play horrible pranks on me, and always made me feel so uncomfortable.  My great-grandma (Grams) loved me in a way that no one else did, however it wasn't enough to save me, ( I almost think she died of a broken heart in knowing that it went on for so long, and she never knew.)  She was the one person who would have, and did move HEAVEN and Earth so that I would be happy.  She was the nicest, most loving, kind and generous person I will probably ever know.  My grandma (granny) scared the daylights out of me.  She was all consumed by hurt, anger, rage, and bitterness towards me, and well what I would later learn at her memorial that she too lived her life locked up in her own prison without a key.  My step-grandfather was purely evil, the things he did to me on a daily basis, the words he used, everything was of evil.  However, in all of that, in his own sick-sadistic, twisted way, I know that he thought he was loving me.

As I was journaling all this out this morning the tears fell, as the reality of being consumed finally hit me.  I cried out to HIM, "WHY didn't they protect me?  Why wasn't I worthy enough to save?  How could they have NOT known that something was wrong?  Why didn't they love me?  Why didn't they chose me?  WHY, GOD, oh WHY do I have to have these hurts, please take them, take them all from me, its all so unbearable to know that I wasn't wanted......"

This morning HE is taking me through a painful process of admitting and confessing of my anger that has consumed me for my entire life.  The revelation of HIS truth that is uncovering the lies that have kept me in bondage is so freeing.  In knowing that I don't have to live my life consumed with rage any longer, I know that I am free to be the me, WHO HE created me to be.

Today HE is wanting me to know that I can no longer hide from the anger that I am consumed by.  Today is the day that I let go, and let HIM heal my broken and wounded heart.  Today is the day that I seek HIM so that HIS light will shine on me in my darkest hours.

Today HE is telling me is the breakthrough that I have been needing for so long now.  HE is letting me know that today starts with me, choosing to see and to know HIS truth by allowing HIM to teach, lead, and guide me on this next chapter of my journey towards wholeness with HIM.

Today I will let go of being consumed with my anger.  Today I will break the vicious cycle that has been destroying my family for generations now.  Today is the day that I will allow myself to become consumed by HIS unending grace, and unfailing love.

It is my prayer today that you will know that you are NOT alone.  That HE is an all knowing, and loving GOD who cares for you.  That you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to uncover the lies that have kept you in your own prison without a key.  I pray that you too will let go of the things that you are consumed by, and that you will allow yourself to become consumed by HIS unending grace, and unfailing love.

Much love, prayers, and blessings,

Heather 

lint trap

"Like the lint trap in a clothes dryer, when all of our unmet expectations gather in one place ( our hearts), eventually the machine malfunctions."  Annie Chapman "A Woman's Answer to Anger"

Yesterday after lunch, D and I were sitting at our dining room table, D and I started talking about the days events.  He had been working all morning on cleaning and organizing his office, one of which the children has messed up, and I felt as if though they should have been the ones to clean it up.  More so, I without realizing it, I was still harboring anger towards my daughter from four days ago.  Sensing that I was still upset, D, gently, ever so carefully ventured to ask me, "what's wrong?"

I could feel the lump rising in my throat, and I swallowed hard.  I didn't want to say or do anything in that moment that I would regret, so I said, "nothings wrong that you can fix, please just let me deal with this on my own with GOD."  D, of course wouldn't take that for an answer, and ventured even further in seeking the truth of what was really bothering me.   It was then that I got up from the table, and quickly retreated to my room to talk it out with the only ONE WHO knows my heart, and knows why I'm upset even before I do.

HIS Daily Teachings today is letting me know that when I let the anger fester inside of me, it stores up in my heart, just like the lint trap in the dryer, and  like the dryer, if I don't empty it out, it will overload, and I just like the dryer begin to malfunction.  HE is wanting me to know that my malfunction is anger.  HE is telling me that it's okay to feel angry, upset, hurt, disappointed, and sad.  However, it's NOT okay to act out those feelings, as I am learning that being angry, isn't a sin, rather it's how I express my anger that is the sin.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33

HE is telling me that HE knows and understands my feelings of anger, and where they stem from.  However, HE is wanting me to know that by choosing to let go of my foolish thinking that everything that I "think" I deserve is "mine" for the taking.  In teaching me this HE is reminding me of different instances where I chose to be angry, and act out that anger.  Just like this past week when I cursed at my daughter because she "made" me angry.  HE is wanting me to know that she didn't "make" me angry, I chose to become angry, and I chose to express my anger in an unloving, unkind, and in the most NOT GOD honoring way.

"Anger is a natural reaction that arises when we don't get our way"  Annie Chapman

HE is wanting me to know and understand that the number one problem I have in my life is my uncontrolled anger that builds up inside of me.  HE is wanting me to know that today is the day that I start to clean out the lint trap of my heart, by allowing HIM to cleanse my heart of all the hurts that I have been carrying with me for so long.  This morning HE is showing me just how much anger I have built up inside of me, in my foolish thinking that everything would be okay if things were done "my way."  

HE is taking me back this morning to times where I have chosen to become so enraged over the silliest things.  For example when my children don't do something "my way," even after I have shown them the "right way" of doing things, (my way is the only way, and why haven't you learned that yet, what is wrong with you?  You never listen to me, I'm always telling you....)  Just typing that makes me cringe, as that is me, and even typing out those words I am getting a sense of how my children must feel when I speak to them like that, and tear them down by NOT acknowledging all of the things that they do right.  

HE is telling me that HE isn't revealing all of this to me to make me feel bad, but rather to show me that just like I have suffered in my life do to someone elses anger, my children too are suffering.  In not realizing just how angry I have been, I have been damaging my children's self worth, and as I know, and am continuing to learn that it's a whole lot harder change your behavior and ways of thinking when you are older.  HE is wanting me to remember that HIS Daily Teachings is all about me breaking the cycle, casting out the generational curses that have been placed over my family.

HE is wanting me to know that HE is angry when relationships are broken, and where there is injustice in this world.  HE is telling me that HE is angry when I am willfully disobedient.  HE is teaching me that in choosing to keep a lint trap of anger stored up in my heart, I am willfully being disobedient by NOT doing things HIS  way.    Therefore I must choose to let go of what I "feel" are my "rights," and start living in HIS truth of what I actually need.  

HE is showing me that while I may "feel" as if though I am entitled and that I have the "right" to be angry whenever I "feel" like it, I don't have the "right" to express my needs  and desires in the form of anger. HE is wanting me to let go of my foolish way of thinking that I "deserve" anything, and start seeking HIS will for my life.  HE will give me what I need, and I know this as HE has proven this to me time and again that HE can, will and does meet all of my needs in abundance.

HE is telling me that my most basic need that I should be seeking from HIM is to be a whole and healthy person.  I must stop trying to claim everything that I "think" is "mine."  HE is wanting me know that HE hears the cries of my heart to be loved and to feel valued and appreciated.  HE is telling me that I must seek those things from HIM, so that I will then be able to give those things to others, and when I do live according to HIS will, I will then be able to receive it from others.  I am learning that I can't expect other's to give to me, what I am not willing to give to them.  I must choose to be humble in knowing that it's not all about me, rather it's about doing HIS will, and living out HIS purpose for my life.

HE is wanting me to know that it's okay for me to want a peaceful life, one of which I "feel" is "mine" for the taking.  However, I am being called as CHRIST follower to stop seeking what is "mine," and choose to live out my life according to HIS will as a selfless, stuff-less, gentle soul.  In hearing this from HIM, I know that I am called to be a meek and humble servant.  HE is telling me that the only way I will be able to live that way is by cleaning out the emotional lint trap of anger that I have stored up in my heart.  

I am learning that when I keep my mind focused on what is "mine," it is really easy for me to get angry, to choose to stay angry, and to choose to express my anger, and in the end sinning. I must choose to go to HIM with my anger, admit it right away, don't store anything that wreaks havoc in my body, (stress, anger, sadness, guilt, shame) rather, repent, seek HIM, and ask for HIS forgiveness, and give it all up to HIM, cast all of my anger, burdens, anxieties upon HIM, as HE truly is the ONE WHO cares for me, knows me, and loves me best.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" 1 Peter 5:7

HE is wanting me to know that unfulfilled expectations is a emotional lint trap of mine.  HE is telling me that I can't expect people to just know what it is that I am wanting, I need to communicate to them what I am wanting.  I can't expect people to just know how I feel, I must be able to tell them how I feel.  HE is calling me to be humble in my communication, and really thinking back on my anger for the past four days, I realize that I was being angry at my daughter for something that I too am guilty of doing more often than not, and it is because I have failed to clean out my heart's lint trap.  In knowing this I am thankful that I now have the tools that I need to move forward, and to let go of my harbored anger, and relieved to know that another lie has been revealed by HIS truth of WHO I am, and I know this because of WHOSE I am.

Today I am thankful that HIS light is shining on my heart's lint trap.  I am thankful that HE loves me enough to never let me stay trapped in my prison in the bondage of the lies that have been apart of my life for as long as I can remember.  I am thankful that it all starts with me, and that I, Heather, have been chosen to be the one who is leaving a legacy that is HIS message of HOPE, LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, DISCERNMENT, WISDOM, FORGIVENESS, and FAITHFULNESS.  I am thankful that for the past year I have been on this journey in seeking HIM, and HIS will for my life.  I am thankful that with each day passing when I seek HIM, HE is there, ready to teach, lead, and guide me through my journey towards wholeness with HIM.

I pray today that you will have the courage to let HIM show you how full your heart's lint trap is.  I pray that you will allow HIM to relieve you of the anger that you have kept harbored in your heart.  I pray that you will be able to live with HIS true freedom when the lies that have kept you in bondage are revealed.  I pray today that you will seek HIM and ask HIM to create in you a meek, and humble heart.  

Blessings,
Heather 

wounded

"Well I could be mother of the year too, if I never had to be around my children"

"No one knows just how nice and sweet I can be when I'm not bothered by people who irritate me, and demand from me"

"The truth is, the only time I'm really hard to live with is when I have to interact with humans or things."

Wow, I couldn't have said it any better myself.  When I read Annie Chapman's words this morning in "A Woman's Answer to Anger," relief washed over me as I realized I was NOT alone in feeling as if though, if I could just be left alone, I could be the proverbs 31 woman, the above rubies wife, the loving, gentle, kind, sweet Mama that dotes on her children, who disposition is of a soft gentle voice, with little to no anger, who seeks, and chooses HIS JOY in every single situation.  Unfortunately that is NOT the case for my life and I'm willing to say, NOT anyone's life, well that is not without choosing to be lead by HIS HOLY SPIRIT.

Each day I encounter so many irritations, and have so much responsibilities, and so very little energy to handle it all.  This morning, through HIS Daily Teaching I have come to realized that I am in great need of relief , as I am so tired of being angry all of the time. HE is showing me where my rage began, because at the young age of 2 was when I was wounded for the first time in my life.  

When I think back to that time, it's crazy to me how I can remember being that age, however in knowing so much about how when we are being kept in bondage to our past, I know that this has been Satan's ploy all this time to keep me locked up in my own prison without a key.

This morning, HE has unlocked yet another prison that was buried so deep inside of me.  Through HIS loving teachings today HE is showing me just where it all began, how it stayed within me, and what triggers it all to come exploding out, and leaving me, and everyone in its path in its dust.

HE is wanting me to know that the reason HE is taking me through this storm is to free me from the rage that I harbor deep within.  HE is telling me that until I learn to identify the rage and choose to control it, it will control me.  HE is wanting me to know that until I learn to control my rage, my headaches will increase, and through those headaches is when the enemy attacks me, and my faith decreases.  HE is wanting me to know that it is time that I truly understand that instead of telling HIM how "big" my problems are, I must choose to tell my problems how BIG HE is!  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

HIS words this morning are so comforting to me, as I know that it is because HE loves me, as HE has proven HIMSELF time and again, that HE is taking me through yet another level of the rage that I have buried so deep within.  It is because HE loves me that I choose to trust HIM completely, and know that HIS true purpose for my life is to live with HIS true freedom.  

This morning, I am so incredibly thankful for HIS truth that is being revealed to me about just how deeply wounded I have been.  HE is revealing to me that it is because of the abuse that I have suffered it has been very difficult for me to trust that anyone has my best interest at heart  HE is showing me that the moment I feel someone is going to do me wrong, or feel as if though I have been wronged, I go on the attack.

I am learning that because I am wounded I, Heather, not realizing that I am doing so wound others.  This revelation about what I do makes me cry.  It's heartbreaking, and disheartening to me to realize that I wound others because I am wounded.    HE is wanting me to know that HE isn't revealing this to me to make me feel bad, or to cry, but rather to receive HIS grace, and live with HIS hope that today is a new day, a chance to change the way I think.  A chance to change the way I act, and most importantly a chance to love as HE loves.  HE is wanting me to know that I am more than capable of loving as HE loves, because HE loved me first.

"We love because he first loved us" 1 John 4:19

This morning HE is taking me back to some of the most painful parts of my past and showing me just how wounded I am.  It has been through HIS loving and gentle nudge on my heart HE is reminding me of how in my past I have begged and even pleaded that HE would take my life.  HE is showing me that even now from time to time when my life's circumstances become unbearable, I still struggle with those thoughts, as I am wounded.  Today HE is revealing to me the start of those wounds, and is teaching me that until I get a hold of my thoughts and start controlling them, they can, and will continue to control me.

HE is revealing to me that I have been living with an overwhelming desire for death for far too long now.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I hurt from my past, and how much I wanted HIM to end my life so that I wouldn't have to endure emotionally suffering any longer.  

HE is wanting me to know that HE is the only one WHO can set me free from the debilitating thoughts of rage that are set so deep inside of me.  HE is telling me that it's time I let go of that rage, and start letting HIM heal the wounds that are buried so deep inside of me.  Today HE is revealing to me just how deep those wounds are, and showing me what those wounds are.

It has been through HIM guiding me this morning that I have come to realize where my rage began.  It all started when I was two, and my brother and I were abused by people whom our birth mother, and our dad entrusted our care to.  When I tried to tell my dad what was happening, he became angry with me telling me that I was making it up, so he would feel bad and not leave me anymore.  Finally that abuse ended, but then my parents split up, and in the end I went to live with my dad's mom and step-father.  

It would be at the young innocent age of 4 that my true hell on earth life began.  Through HIS guidance today the pain that I buried so deep within, and the wounds that have penetrated my heart for far too long have been uncovered, and I have been set free from the pain of the rage that has kept me in bondage for so many years.  It is hard for me to go through this, as I have already dealt with the pain of the abuse, but what I failed to realize was not only was their pain from the abuse, but there was an even greater pain from the abandonment I felt from my dad and step-mom.

Sitting here, typing this all out, the pain, anger, rage, wounds, tears, suicidal thoughts, overwhelming desire to end my life, and even after giving my life to CHRIST begging HIM to take my life, I am choosing to see HIS truth of WHO I am.  I am Heather, a survivor in HIM, through HIM.  I am a woman of faith who has decided to not only follow JESUS, but to seek HIM daily, even when it's tough to go through the teachings for that day.  It is because of the life of torment that I have endured, that I am choosing to walk and live in HIS truth so that I will be able to live out HIS message of HOPE for everyone WHO reads and hears my story.  

I will be honest in saying that there are times where I feel so overwhelmed by my story, however I know that nothing that I have ever gone through, or will ever go through will I ever be alone.  I know that HE is with me, showing me, teaching, guiding me through each storm and trial that of which Satan is "trying" to break me with, HE is making me with.  HE is building me strong, in my faith, in my courage, in my conviction, that NOTHING, NOT ONE THING could EVER keep me from seeking HIM, to know HIM, love HIM, and to serve HIM.  

"I have discovered that getting free from anger and striving for a heart that is ready and willing to forgive have changed my life, given me reason to live, and taught me the true purpose for my existence." Annie Chapman

HE is wanting me to know that when I "feel" wounded, I must choose to seek HIM, and rely on HIS strength so that I will be able to see HIS truth about where the wounds lie.  It has been through this past year of HIS Daily Teachings that I know that HE is my strength.  I am confident that HE is my deliverer.  I am learning that in everything that I go through, I must choose to see HIS good in all of it.

Through HIS teachings I am learning that HE is wanting me to rejoice that I have been chosen and have been made worthy enough to suffer for HIS good.  I am thankful that HE has chosen me speak HIS truth about WHO HE truly is, and what HE has done for my life.  I am thankful that I get to live out my life as a living testament that HE is GOD and HE is good all of the time.  I am thankful that I am able to share my mess, which HE has taught me to speak in HIS true confidence is HIS beautiful message.  I am thankful that my story is HIS message of HOPE that HE is there, in all things, and when you seek HIM, you will find HIM, and through even your deepest of wounds HE is there, ready to restore, renew, and refine you.  My life, is living proof of HIS goodness, HIS grace, HIS mercy, and most importantly HIS unfailing love.

My prayer today is simply this, let the LORD your GOD heal your broken and wounded heart.  HE cares for you, HE loves you, and HE is waiting for you.

Much love, prayers, and blessings for you all my dear friends,

Heather 

what will they say?

Yesterday was probably one of the most toughest days of being a Mama for me yet.  In so many ways I felt like I wasn't being GOD honoring, in either my thinking, or my words, or my actions.  By the end of the day, I felt angry, upset, frustrated, flustered, confused, irritated, stressed, disrespected, and if I'm being total honest full of RAGE.

Since HE knows me so well, and knows what I need HE had me go to GOODWILL yesterday, and it was there that HE lead me to my next read.  As I was looking at the books I came across, "A Woman's Answer to Anger"  by  Annie Chapman.  I picked it up, and my heart sank, as I realized that HE was telling me something, something that I have been avoiding for so long.

HIS Daily Teachings today is getting right in my face and making me see that my anger is out of control.  Not only it is out of control on the outside, but it is a raging fire, a volcano ready to erupt on the inside.  This morning HE is revealing to me just how angry I am most of the time.  It is hard for me to even write this, as this is probably one of my darkest, most upsetting secrets about me.  

Before I even began my new book, I read my Power Thoughts Devotional by Joyce Meyer.  Power Thought for May 1st reads: "My mind is calm, and I'm in control of my thinking."  Foolishly I thought, why yes, my mind is calm, however as I began to think back to this morning's events, I quickly realized that I was anything but calm.  

The last part of the devotional read: "This is a new day for you, and you are in charge of your thinking--it is no longer in charge of you."  Reading those words, I felt HIM nudge my heart, telling me that it was time to face the truth about my anger.  It has been a rough morning of revelation and truth seeking for me about WHO I really am, and the hidden fear that I have of when my time on Earth here is through, who will be at my funeral, and most importantly what will they say?

HE is wanting me to know that HE knows all about the anxiety that I carry inside of me about what people think about me, and even more so what they will say about me when I am not around.  HE is telling me that HE knows my greatest fear is what kind of legacy am I going to be leaving for my husband and my children. This morning HE had me take a test to see just how angry I am, and how I react in anger.

In the book "A Woman's Guide to Anger" there are a series of questions asked, and I'll be honest, that answering them was very difficult for me, as it's so hard to admit that I am an angry person.

1.  When was the last time you were angry? ~ This morning, I was feeling useless and disrespected by my teenager.  I felt as if though I was unable to communicate in a loving way, and because of that I was angry, at her and at myself.

2.  How did you express this anger? ~ I walked away, (afraid I might say something I'd regret) I went back to bed, feeling annoyed, and irritated.  Even as I wrote this, I still struggled with those feelings, and most of all I feel unhappy.

3.  Who received the brunt of your anger?  ~ My family, I pretty much checked out, pouted, and stayed hidden, that way I would be sure not to say or do something I would regret.  

4.  On a scale of 1-10 with "1" being only mildly irritated and "10" being out of your mind with rage, where do you generally live? ~ I live at a level of 8, I am an irritated, angry, upset, frustrated, flustered, irrational, completely stressed out emotional HOTT mess!  I feel like a constant fraud, and failure as I am still struggling with keeping my emotions in check, and I am still learning to control my thoughts, so they don't control me.  I am still learning how to choose to be lead by HIS HOLY SPIRIT, and NOT by my "feelings."  FAILURE :(

5.  On what occasion did you experience anywhere near a "10"  ~ Uh, is this really a question?  Only EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMEONE PUSHES MY BUTTONS!!!!  I try, so hard to keep my emotions in check, and I do well for a while, but with persistence, I am broken down, and most of the time I become completely unglued, and well.....  The other day a man flipped me off while I was driving, and I returned the gesture.... I curse at my husband and children when I feel disrespected, and feel as if though they are ganging up on me...... I cry A LOT, as it is thrown in my face of my failures, and it's only when I completely crumble am I left alone to fall into HIS arms.... 

6.  To whom do you owe an apology?  ~ My HEAVENLY FATHER, my husband, my children.......... myself..... sitting here now trying to type, as the tears fall, the reality, the truth of what is really happening, OH GOD how I NEED YOU!!!

"I realized that all we ever truly leave behind when we are gone is what people remember of us." Annie Chapman

"The name of the righteous is used in blessings, but the name of the wicked will rot." Proverbs 10:7

HE is wanting me to know that today is the start of the next breakthrough that HE is going to take me through.  Through HIM, and with HIM I know that I will overcome, as when I look back to where I came from, I am living in HIS true confidence, that even though I may not be where I need to, I am surely not where I used to be.  It has been through HIS Daily Teachings for this past year that my faith has been tested, strengthened, and refined.  Through CHRIST and CHRIST alone I am becoming WHO HE has planned for me to be all along. 

Today is the start of the next chapter of my journey towards wholeness, as HE beings to change my character, and breakthrough, and breakdown the walls of my own prison to the darkness of my anger that Satan has kept me in bondage with for my entire life.  Today HIS truth is being revealed of just how angry I am, and HE is letting me know that through HIS power and authority I can, and will break free from those chains, and through HIM I will be able to live with HIS true freedom.

Today I am being rescued once again, my journey towards a happier me starts now!

Friends, today's teaching has been a tough pill to swallow.  I pray today that if you are struggling with anger, that you will surrender it all to HIM.  The first step in receiving freedom is admittance.  Admit your anger, surrender it to HIM, lay it at the foot of the cross.  Let HIM relieve you of the burden you carry.  I pray that you when you do, you too will be able to live with HIS true freedom.

Blessings,
Heather