wounded

"Well I could be mother of the year too, if I never had to be around my children"

"No one knows just how nice and sweet I can be when I'm not bothered by people who irritate me, and demand from me"

"The truth is, the only time I'm really hard to live with is when I have to interact with humans or things."

Wow, I couldn't have said it any better myself.  When I read Annie Chapman's words this morning in "A Woman's Answer to Anger," relief washed over me as I realized I was NOT alone in feeling as if though, if I could just be left alone, I could be the proverbs 31 woman, the above rubies wife, the loving, gentle, kind, sweet Mama that dotes on her children, who disposition is of a soft gentle voice, with little to no anger, who seeks, and chooses HIS JOY in every single situation.  Unfortunately that is NOT the case for my life and I'm willing to say, NOT anyone's life, well that is not without choosing to be lead by HIS HOLY SPIRIT.

Each day I encounter so many irritations, and have so much responsibilities, and so very little energy to handle it all.  This morning, through HIS Daily Teaching I have come to realized that I am in great need of relief , as I am so tired of being angry all of the time. HE is showing me where my rage began, because at the young age of 2 was when I was wounded for the first time in my life.  

When I think back to that time, it's crazy to me how I can remember being that age, however in knowing so much about how when we are being kept in bondage to our past, I know that this has been Satan's ploy all this time to keep me locked up in my own prison without a key.

This morning, HE has unlocked yet another prison that was buried so deep inside of me.  Through HIS loving teachings today HE is showing me just where it all began, how it stayed within me, and what triggers it all to come exploding out, and leaving me, and everyone in its path in its dust.

HE is wanting me to know that the reason HE is taking me through this storm is to free me from the rage that I harbor deep within.  HE is telling me that until I learn to identify the rage and choose to control it, it will control me.  HE is wanting me to know that until I learn to control my rage, my headaches will increase, and through those headaches is when the enemy attacks me, and my faith decreases.  HE is wanting me to know that it is time that I truly understand that instead of telling HIM how "big" my problems are, I must choose to tell my problems how BIG HE is!  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

HIS words this morning are so comforting to me, as I know that it is because HE loves me, as HE has proven HIMSELF time and again, that HE is taking me through yet another level of the rage that I have buried so deep within.  It is because HE loves me that I choose to trust HIM completely, and know that HIS true purpose for my life is to live with HIS true freedom.  

This morning, I am so incredibly thankful for HIS truth that is being revealed to me about just how deeply wounded I have been.  HE is revealing to me that it is because of the abuse that I have suffered it has been very difficult for me to trust that anyone has my best interest at heart  HE is showing me that the moment I feel someone is going to do me wrong, or feel as if though I have been wronged, I go on the attack.

I am learning that because I am wounded I, Heather, not realizing that I am doing so wound others.  This revelation about what I do makes me cry.  It's heartbreaking, and disheartening to me to realize that I wound others because I am wounded.    HE is wanting me to know that HE isn't revealing this to me to make me feel bad, or to cry, but rather to receive HIS grace, and live with HIS hope that today is a new day, a chance to change the way I think.  A chance to change the way I act, and most importantly a chance to love as HE loves.  HE is wanting me to know that I am more than capable of loving as HE loves, because HE loved me first.

"We love because he first loved us" 1 John 4:19

This morning HE is taking me back to some of the most painful parts of my past and showing me just how wounded I am.  It has been through HIS loving and gentle nudge on my heart HE is reminding me of how in my past I have begged and even pleaded that HE would take my life.  HE is showing me that even now from time to time when my life's circumstances become unbearable, I still struggle with those thoughts, as I am wounded.  Today HE is revealing to me the start of those wounds, and is teaching me that until I get a hold of my thoughts and start controlling them, they can, and will continue to control me.

HE is revealing to me that I have been living with an overwhelming desire for death for far too long now.  HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how much I hurt from my past, and how much I wanted HIM to end my life so that I wouldn't have to endure emotionally suffering any longer.  

HE is wanting me to know that HE is the only one WHO can set me free from the debilitating thoughts of rage that are set so deep inside of me.  HE is telling me that it's time I let go of that rage, and start letting HIM heal the wounds that are buried so deep inside of me.  Today HE is revealing to me just how deep those wounds are, and showing me what those wounds are.

It has been through HIM guiding me this morning that I have come to realize where my rage began.  It all started when I was two, and my brother and I were abused by people whom our birth mother, and our dad entrusted our care to.  When I tried to tell my dad what was happening, he became angry with me telling me that I was making it up, so he would feel bad and not leave me anymore.  Finally that abuse ended, but then my parents split up, and in the end I went to live with my dad's mom and step-father.  

It would be at the young innocent age of 4 that my true hell on earth life began.  Through HIS guidance today the pain that I buried so deep within, and the wounds that have penetrated my heart for far too long have been uncovered, and I have been set free from the pain of the rage that has kept me in bondage for so many years.  It is hard for me to go through this, as I have already dealt with the pain of the abuse, but what I failed to realize was not only was their pain from the abuse, but there was an even greater pain from the abandonment I felt from my dad and step-mom.

Sitting here, typing this all out, the pain, anger, rage, wounds, tears, suicidal thoughts, overwhelming desire to end my life, and even after giving my life to CHRIST begging HIM to take my life, I am choosing to see HIS truth of WHO I am.  I am Heather, a survivor in HIM, through HIM.  I am a woman of faith who has decided to not only follow JESUS, but to seek HIM daily, even when it's tough to go through the teachings for that day.  It is because of the life of torment that I have endured, that I am choosing to walk and live in HIS truth so that I will be able to live out HIS message of HOPE for everyone WHO reads and hears my story.  

I will be honest in saying that there are times where I feel so overwhelmed by my story, however I know that nothing that I have ever gone through, or will ever go through will I ever be alone.  I know that HE is with me, showing me, teaching, guiding me through each storm and trial that of which Satan is "trying" to break me with, HE is making me with.  HE is building me strong, in my faith, in my courage, in my conviction, that NOTHING, NOT ONE THING could EVER keep me from seeking HIM, to know HIM, love HIM, and to serve HIM.  

"I have discovered that getting free from anger and striving for a heart that is ready and willing to forgive have changed my life, given me reason to live, and taught me the true purpose for my existence." Annie Chapman

HE is wanting me to know that when I "feel" wounded, I must choose to seek HIM, and rely on HIS strength so that I will be able to see HIS truth about where the wounds lie.  It has been through this past year of HIS Daily Teachings that I know that HE is my strength.  I am confident that HE is my deliverer.  I am learning that in everything that I go through, I must choose to see HIS good in all of it.

Through HIS teachings I am learning that HE is wanting me to rejoice that I have been chosen and have been made worthy enough to suffer for HIS good.  I am thankful that HE has chosen me speak HIS truth about WHO HE truly is, and what HE has done for my life.  I am thankful that I get to live out my life as a living testament that HE is GOD and HE is good all of the time.  I am thankful that I am able to share my mess, which HE has taught me to speak in HIS true confidence is HIS beautiful message.  I am thankful that my story is HIS message of HOPE that HE is there, in all things, and when you seek HIM, you will find HIM, and through even your deepest of wounds HE is there, ready to restore, renew, and refine you.  My life, is living proof of HIS goodness, HIS grace, HIS mercy, and most importantly HIS unfailing love.

My prayer today is simply this, let the LORD your GOD heal your broken and wounded heart.  HE cares for you, HE loves you, and HE is waiting for you.

Much love, prayers, and blessings for you all my dear friends,

Heather