Thursday, May 1, 2014

what will they say?

Yesterday was probably one of the most toughest days of being a Mama for me yet.  In so many ways I felt like I wasn't being GOD honoring, in either my thinking, or my words, or my actions.  By the end of the day, I felt angry, upset, frustrated, flustered, confused, irritated, stressed, disrespected, and if I'm being total honest full of RAGE.

Since HE knows me so well, and knows what I need HE had me go to GOODWILL yesterday, and it was there that HE lead me to my next read.  As I was looking at the books I came across, "A Woman's Answer to Anger"  by  Annie Chapman.  I picked it up, and my heart sank, as I realized that HE was telling me something, something that I have been avoiding for so long.

HIS Daily Teachings today is getting right in my face and making me see that my anger is out of control.  Not only it is out of control on the outside, but it is a raging fire, a volcano ready to erupt on the inside.  This morning HE is revealing to me just how angry I am most of the time.  It is hard for me to even write this, as this is probably one of my darkest, most upsetting secrets about me.  

Before I even began my new book, I read my Power Thoughts Devotional by Joyce Meyer.  Power Thought for May 1st reads: "My mind is calm, and I'm in control of my thinking."  Foolishly I thought, why yes, my mind is calm, however as I began to think back to this morning's events, I quickly realized that I was anything but calm.  

The last part of the devotional read: "This is a new day for you, and you are in charge of your thinking--it is no longer in charge of you."  Reading those words, I felt HIM nudge my heart, telling me that it was time to face the truth about my anger.  It has been a rough morning of revelation and truth seeking for me about WHO I really am, and the hidden fear that I have of when my time on Earth here is through, who will be at my funeral, and most importantly what will they say?

HE is wanting me to know that HE knows all about the anxiety that I carry inside of me about what people think about me, and even more so what they will say about me when I am not around.  HE is telling me that HE knows my greatest fear is what kind of legacy am I going to be leaving for my husband and my children. This morning HE had me take a test to see just how angry I am, and how I react in anger.

In the book "A Woman's Guide to Anger" there are a series of questions asked, and I'll be honest, that answering them was very difficult for me, as it's so hard to admit that I am an angry person.

1.  When was the last time you were angry? ~ This morning, I was feeling useless and disrespected by my teenager.  I felt as if though I was unable to communicate in a loving way, and because of that I was angry, at her and at myself.

2.  How did you express this anger? ~ I walked away, (afraid I might say something I'd regret) I went back to bed, feeling annoyed, and irritated.  Even as I wrote this, I still struggled with those feelings, and most of all I feel unhappy.

3.  Who received the brunt of your anger?  ~ My family, I pretty much checked out, pouted, and stayed hidden, that way I would be sure not to say or do something I would regret.  

4.  On a scale of 1-10 with "1" being only mildly irritated and "10" being out of your mind with rage, where do you generally live? ~ I live at a level of 8, I am an irritated, angry, upset, frustrated, flustered, irrational, completely stressed out emotional HOTT mess!  I feel like a constant fraud, and failure as I am still struggling with keeping my emotions in check, and I am still learning to control my thoughts, so they don't control me.  I am still learning how to choose to be lead by HIS HOLY SPIRIT, and NOT by my "feelings."  FAILURE :(

5.  On what occasion did you experience anywhere near a "10"  ~ Uh, is this really a question?  Only EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMEONE PUSHES MY BUTTONS!!!!  I try, so hard to keep my emotions in check, and I do well for a while, but with persistence, I am broken down, and most of the time I become completely unglued, and well.....  The other day a man flipped me off while I was driving, and I returned the gesture.... I curse at my husband and children when I feel disrespected, and feel as if though they are ganging up on me...... I cry A LOT, as it is thrown in my face of my failures, and it's only when I completely crumble am I left alone to fall into HIS arms.... 

6.  To whom do you owe an apology?  ~ My HEAVENLY FATHER, my husband, my children.......... myself..... sitting here now trying to type, as the tears fall, the reality, the truth of what is really happening, OH GOD how I NEED YOU!!!

"I realized that all we ever truly leave behind when we are gone is what people remember of us." Annie Chapman

"The name of the righteous is used in blessings, but the name of the wicked will rot." Proverbs 10:7

HE is wanting me to know that today is the start of the next breakthrough that HE is going to take me through.  Through HIM, and with HIM I know that I will overcome, as when I look back to where I came from, I am living in HIS true confidence, that even though I may not be where I need to, I am surely not where I used to be.  It has been through HIS Daily Teachings for this past year that my faith has been tested, strengthened, and refined.  Through CHRIST and CHRIST alone I am becoming WHO HE has planned for me to be all along. 

Today is the start of the next chapter of my journey towards wholeness, as HE beings to change my character, and breakthrough, and breakdown the walls of my own prison to the darkness of my anger that Satan has kept me in bondage with for my entire life.  Today HIS truth is being revealed of just how angry I am, and HE is letting me know that through HIS power and authority I can, and will break free from those chains, and through HIM I will be able to live with HIS true freedom.

Today I am being rescued once again, my journey towards a happier me starts now!

Friends, today's teaching has been a tough pill to swallow.  I pray today that if you are struggling with anger, that you will surrender it all to HIM.  The first step in receiving freedom is admittance.  Admit your anger, surrender it to HIM, lay it at the foot of the cross.  Let HIM relieve you of the burden you carry.  I pray that you when you do, you too will be able to live with HIS true freedom.



  1. I will say, no shout, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I, along with many mamas, struggle with anger. I find myself shutting down or checking out to avoid blowing up only later to curse and yell when I can no longer hide. THANK YOU for being honest and posting your journey for those of us who are not strong enough to do so ourselves. You are proof that God is good and we are truly blessed to have you walk this earth with us.

  2. Oh Jess, no words..... just thank you <3