Saturday, June 28, 2014

"needy and hysterical"

Oh man here we go again, the title says it all.  Perhaps I should just start at the beginning and tell you why this little gem of a saying has become ingrained into my brain the last few days.   I'm sure by now you were wondering why I haven't blogged, and to be honest, I was focused on something far more important for me to understand, and that is, until I start taking care of my body which is HIS living temple, HE can't work in me or through me the way HE has intended to all along if I am not able to stay awake long enough to hear HIS whispers, let alone heed HIS whispers of the changes that HE is wanting to make in my heart, soul, and mind.

The truth  is, because I have failed to care for myself, I was constantly falling asleep during bible study, and as a result I wasn't able to type HIS Daily Teachings, as I couldn't really focus on what HE was saying to me.  This past Monday however, HE captured my attention once again, and I began my daily workouts at our local gym.  It has been through this past week that HE has started chipping away at all of my insecurities, that have left me "feeling" "needy and hysterical."  

Four days into my daily workouts, my hearing aid quit working.  I wish I could say that my response was something like, "oh bummer, well I know GOD will provide and meet all of my needs, so I'm NOT going to worry about this, GOD's got this!"  When in all actuality my response was, "Wahhhhhh I can't believe this is happening now, WHY GOD OH WHY do I have to be deaf? Wahhhhhh, my poor husband D, he works so hard, and now he will have to buy me new hearing aids.... Wahhhh I'm robbing our families resources, and hoarding them for myself.  Wahhhh......"  Honestly,  I think I went through half a box of tissues that day.  To make matters worse, I didn't stop when D got home.  In fact I was supposed to be excited and ready for date night with him to celebrate our 19 years of being together.

Sadly, I was so focused on maintaining my self-loathing, and crying and feeling sorry for myself by continuing to be "needy and hysterical."  D ended up fixing my hearing aid, (which only deepened the insecurity of my "feeling" dumb and stupid) and now I can hear again, but sadly in my selfishness all I could focus on was, "great, now I'll NEVER get new hearing aids."

Whew, I don't know how D stands me sometimes, I completely and totally irritate myself just in typing this out.  It is in these moments where I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to be living with HIS amazing grace.  I am thankful that no matter how "needy and hysterical" I become, HE is there, HE is waiting, and HE will carry me through, and HE will take my burdens from me, all I have to do is offer them up to HIM.

Sounds easy right?!?  Well as you know by now, I am a sllllloooow learner, and because of that it is of NO surprise that HE is taking me through the next chapter of my journey towards wholeness with HIM.  HIS Daily Teachings today began yesterday at our local library when HE called me to check out my current read by Beth Moore "SO Long Insecurity."  To be honest, I was a little hurt, my pride that is, as I "thought" I was getting better in that department.  However, after only reading the first chapter the harsh reality is that I need HIM more now than ever before, as HIS truth is speaking through the lies that have penetrated my heart for far too long.  Today HE is shining HIS light on the lies that have kept me locked in my own prison without a key, through HIS hope, as HE is the key, and with HIS love, HE is tearing down the walls, and helping me break free, breakthrough, and overcome every single one of my insecurities. 

Foolishly I began to "think" as I was reading, I'll just read this time, no journaling, surely I can retain everything, and write about what I think I need to write about.  I'm sure GOD laughed at my thought, and quickly let me know that I wouldn't just be journaling, rather I would be quoting verbatim what Beth Moore has to say in her book.  I should have known better as the last thing I journaled that was in my heart today was, "LORD have YOUR way in me!"  I know now that GOD answered, "Ahem, ask and you shall receive."

"I type by faith NOT by sight" Beth Moore "So Long Insecurity"

How true these words are for my life, as there have been many times where I "think" I know what I am to write about, only to write three or four paragraphs, and HE has me erase all of it, as I am completely missing the mark.  I can honestly say that before HIS Daily Teachings, I couldn't write much of anything, well not anything that anyone would want to read that is.  

This morning HE is taking me through today's teaching step by step and revealing HIS truth to me as I quote the author's words.  

"Somethings wrong with us for us to value ourselves so little.  Our culture has thrown us under the bus."  Beth Moore

HE is wanting me to know that the days where I seek security of this world is over.  HE is wanting me to know that as long as I am going to everything, and everyone but HIM, I will NEVER be satisfied by anything that anyone has to do or say about me or to me.  HE is wanting me to know that this world that I "think" loves me so much would be so quick to throw me under the bus, criticize, ridicule, and persecute me without even batting an eye.  HE is telling me that it is in those moments where I allow my insecurities to take over my emotional, and mental well being by becoming "needy and hysterical."

"Woman want to be told that they are captivating, that they are beautiful and desirable." Beth Moore

HE is telling me that HE thinks I am captivating, beautiful and desirable.  HE is telling me that this has been HIS plan and HIS purpose ALL along for me to seek out HIS truth about WHO I am, and be able to live with the security in know that because of WHOSE I am that no matter what someone may say or think about me, or do to hurt me, HE is there, HE cares for me, and HE is the only one WHO knows and loves me the best.  HE is telling me that when I seek my value from this world, I will always be disappointed, and that is how Satan will keep me trapped in bondage in "feeling" "needy and hysterical."

HE is telling me that the only place I will find the steady affirmation that my soul is craving, is by choosing to walk closely with HIM, and allowing HIM to show me what my worth is to HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that my identity crisis that I am living with is because I have forgotten that I will know WHO I am, when I know WHOSE I am.    HE is wanting me to know that when I look anywhere but right where HE is, that is when I fall apart, and that is when the two things I loathe the most about myself are reborn, that is when I fall flat on my face feeling the most undesirable, and unappealing as I am outwardly displaying that I am "needy and hysterical."

This morning HE is taking me through one of the hardest parts of my being "needy and hysterical," and that is my marriage to D.  D has always been my rock, and he has seen me at my absolute worst, and also my best.  However, more often than not he gets to see the "needy and hysterical" side of me that is totally irrational, inconsolable, WHO is inviting anyone and everyone who will come to her pity party.  D has long since declined his invitation, for what I "feel" as if forever more.  HE is wanting me to  know that D's r.s.v.p of a resounding NO is all apart of HIS plan for my life.  HE is telling me that had he not lead D to say NO, I would still be depending on D, and I wouldn't be seeking HIM with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, each and every single day of my life.  HE is teaching me that HE can't show me how much I need HIM until I can see that without HIM, all I will ever be is "needy and hysterical."

"Men are not our problem; its what we are trying to get from them that messes us up." Beth Moore

Wow!  Talk about a tough dose of reality!  Seriously, HE is teaching me that in the past, and well even now I depend way too much on my husband D.  Sure, he is a strong guy, and strong in his faith, but come on give the guy a break, he has his limits.  OUCH!!!  This has been an extremely tough pill to swallow as I don't want to put anymore pressure on D, however, I am still struggling with this whole "needy and hysterical" thing that I seem to go through each and every time my world gets shook up.  Until now I was under the impression that it is ok for me to be the damsel in distress, and that D would be my knight in shining armor, WHO was born into this life to save and rescue me from every single storm, and attack that I go through.......... eh.......... talk about................pressure.

HE is wanting me to know and understand that if I, Heather need HIM so badly in my life, so that I won't become "needy and hysterical" what makes me think that D is any different?  More so, D needs HIM as he has been given the responsibility to be the head of our household of seven, our sole provider and protector, WHO needs to remain calm, and level headed in this house full of "needy and hysterical" people.  Today HE is showing me once again WHO D is through HIS eyes, and I am seeing D's role with HIS vision.  

"We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable.  Beautiful.  Desirable. Worthy of notice.  Viable." Beth Moore 

HE is taking me back to only every single time I ask D, "Do I look okay?  Does my makeup look good?  Do you like my hair?  Do you like my clothes?  Do you think my shoes look okay with this outfit?  Do you like my jewelry?  Do you think my earrings look too big?  Do you think my butt looks too big in this jeans?  Do you like this dress?  Do you, do you, do you, do you?????"  Okay, now I am completely annoyed with myself, I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for D to be married to my constant questioning of my value, and self worth.  I can only imagine how it must feel for him to be married to someone so insecure, who gives into her self-loathing, and becomes completely and totally irrational, and ends up crying like the hott mess that she is in allowing herself to once again be "needy and hysterical."

HE is telling me that in the times where D seems withdrawn from me, I must NOT assume that it is because of me.  HE is wanting me to remember that just as I teach my children, "the world does NOT revolve around me!  The sun does NOT rise and set because of JUST me!"   HE is wanting me to know that when I allow my thoughts to go there and assume that D's frustrations are because of me, that is when my "feelings" go into overdrive, and that is when I become "needy and hysterical."

"We're attempting to get our security from a gender that doesn't really have much to spare." Beth Moore

Goodness gracious, I am feeling the heat rush to my face today.  How many times have I expected, with great expectations for D to just come in a save the day.  Not only save the day, but read my mind. Honestly, I didn't realize any of this until today, during HIS Daily Teachings.  HE is wanting me to know that the very thing that I have been praying to GOD to change D about, is something that HE changed D from on purpose, for HIS purpose, so that HE would draw me near to HIM, and so that I would rely and depend on only HIM.  HE is reminding me once again that D isn't there to carry me along in my life, rather to be my supporter, and encourager.  HE is wanting me to know that all the hard work in my life that needs to be done, can only be completed by myself.  Just as in D's life, only he can do the work.  

"Let's face it, Men want us to get a grip anyway.  They don't like the pressure of being in charge of our sense of value.  It's too much for them."  Beth Moore

HE is reminding me of  my latest episode of being "needy and hysterical," how D not only walked away from me, but said to me, "I'm not going to stand here and listen to you get down on yourself by talking badly about yourself this way. I'm not going to listen to this anymore."  HE is wanting me to know that was D's way of saying, "seriously get a grip woman!  I fixed your hearing aid, say "thanks baby" smile, and MOVE ON!!!"  What is wrong with you?  Stop self-loathing, and see yourself as we all see you, YOU are amazing, wonderful, loving, kind, caring, and giving, YOU ARE NOT THIS HOTT MESS WHO NEEDS TO BE NEEDY AND HYSTERICAL!!!!"  If my husband were a person who yells, I believe he would probably yell that last part, which is why I typed it in all caps! 

The next part of my current read really speaks volumes to my heart, and makes me realize that this needs to be my heart's cry.  

"I want some soul-deep security drawn from a source that never runs dry,and never disparages us for requiring it."  Beth Moore 

YES!!! Amen!!! That is what I want!!!! HE is telling me that HE is there, HE cares for me, and HE is the soul-deep security that I am desperately craving.  HE is telling me that HIS strength is always there for me, and that through HIS amazing grace, unending, unfailing, and relentless love I, Heather, "emotional, hott mess, needy and hysterical" can, and will OVERCOME ALL of my strongholds with HIM!!!

HE is telling me that it is imperative for me to know that when I am "feeling needy and hysterical" that I must bring it ALL to HIM, and NOT to D.  HE is wanting me to know it is because HE is the only one WHO knows the amazing plans that have been written for my life, therefore I must choose to go straight to the only source who can truly create in my the security the my soul craves, and desires, WHO will take away the "feelings" of being "needy and hysterical."

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

HE is wanting me to know that the only ONE strong enough to love me when I hate me, is HIM.  HE is reminding me of this in taking me back to yesterday where in my moment of self loathing, D looked right at me with complete annoyance and said, "where's your faith?"  It was then that I looked straight into his eyes and said, "I don't know, but I'm praying to GOD to help me overcome my unbelief!" 

" But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
"If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

This is HIS loving reminder that I can, and will OVERCOME anything that is difficult in my life when I choose to BELIEVE HIM that HE will do what HE says HE will do, and that HE does love me more than anyone else.  That HE truly does care for me, and HE really does have my best interest at heart.  HE is wanting me to know that it was NEVER a part of HIS plan to keep me "feeling" and responding to the difficulties and challenges in my life in being "needy and hysterical."

"Life is too hard and the world too mean for many of us to grasp a lofty sense of acceptance, approval, and affirmation."  Beth Moore

HE is telling me that I must NOT rely on my "feelings" to pull me through as my circumstances will always be changing.  HE is wanting me to know that the reason why I have always struggled to fit in, and feel as if though I belong, is so that I would always know that the only place where I will ever truly fit in and feel accepted as though I belong is with HIM.  HE is telling me that this has been HIS plan all along for me to NOT only know this, but to live this according to HIS plans, and HIS will for my life.  HE is teaching me that this is the very reason why I am so different, in the way I think, speak,and act.  HE is letting me know this is the very reason why I wear hearing aids, so to block out what the world is telling me, so that I can solely focus on what HE is telling me.  

"An old situation creeping up in a new season of our life can be more complicated than ever." Beth Moore
"As if the battle isn't hard enough, we sabotage ourselves, with self-condemnation"  Beth Moore

HE is telling me instead of becoming "needy and hysterical" during painful situations of insecurities, I must seek HIM and allow HIS truth to speak authority over my situation that is causing my insecurity.  HE is telling me once again that when I know HIS truth, it is HIS truth that will set me free!

"If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.” John 8:32 The Message 

"My head knows good and well that this doesn't define me.  Why can't I get that message to my heart?"  Beth Moore

LORD JESUS, I pray today that YOUR words will penetrate my heart, and lead me through the breakthroughs of my insecurities.  I pray that my constant go to in my time of distress will be to YOU, and not to allowing myself to be "needy and hysterical."  LORD create in me a patient heart, and mind that knows that YOUR timing and provision are perfect, and that by YOUR power and authority which rule over my life, everything is covered.  Help me to OVERCOME my unbelief that YOU are with me, and because of that I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about.  I pray today that YOU will keep teaching me, leading me, and guiding me towards wholeness as I seek YOU to live out YOUR plans and YOUR purpose for my life.  I am so incredibly blessed to have received YOUR teachings today, thank YOU for loving, saving, hearing, and blessing me with YOUR amazing grace!  In YOUR HOLY, JUST, and RIGHTEOUS Name!  Amen!

Dear friends I pray today that you will know that your insecurities don't define you.  That your worth can only be found in HIM.  I pray today that you will have the courage to seek HIM to show you where you have fallen short and have become "needy and hysterical."  I pray that you will seek HIM and ask HIM to give you the strength to overcome, so that you too will be living your life as HIS living testament that HE is good, HE is faithful, and that HE truly does love and know you best.  I pray that you will know that HE will take your hott mess of circumstances, and turn them into HIS beautiful message.  I pray that you will have the courage to tell your story, which is HIS story, written and designed perfectly to bring HIS message of HOPE to the hopeless.  

With much love, prayers, compassion, and blessings,

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