Monday, June 30, 2014

Tie the Knot

On Saturday, October 17, 1998 at 3 p.m. I slowly made my way through and across the church to my fiance, who was waiting for me to walk down the aisle together.  As I have written in the past, I was estranged from my parents at that time. Looking back I can actually see that GOD had been setting the stage for the beginning of what would take years of reconciliation to occur in my relationship with them. Anyways, back to walking down the aisle, I remember seeing D, and him smiling at me with so much love, eagerness, and tenderness in his eyes.  He reached out his hand, and I placed mine is his, and he said to me, "Hey Baby want to walk down the aisle with me?"  That was/is D, he is always and forever more trying to make me laugh, and to see me smile. 

We made it to the front of the church where we were holding hands, and the Minister began to say a bunch of things, that honestly I don't even remember what he said.  I do remember however feeling D's hand in mine, and feeling him squeeze my hand as if to say, "can you believe it we're getting married?"  We recited our vows to one another, D speaking so calmly, and with such pride that I was becoming his bride.  When it was my turn, I trembled, shook, and bawled through all of it, almost as if I was in total disbelief that someone would actually want to marry me.  Me, Heather, a girl who had struggled with self-esteem for as long as I can remember, D chose me, to marry me, to make me his bride, at the young ages of 20 and 21.  I should also tell you that at that time we were also 6.5 months along in our journey of becoming parents for the first time. 

When the Minister said, "I now pronounce you husband and wife, D you may kiss your bride" I thought my heart would burst.  We continued onto our amazing wedding reception, and spent the night laughing, dancing, and spending time with our friends and family.  Afterwards, because I was pregnant, we headed to our hotel, and it was there that D helped me out of my dress, and I slipped into the bathroom to slip into something more "comfortable," and came out to my gorgeous husband waiting for me.  I laid down on the bed, and he began to rub my feet.  Somewhere in the span of five minutes, D said I fell into a deep sleep, one of which I wouldn't wake until morning.  Talk about a harsh entry into NOT having your "great expectations" met. 

This morning HE is taking me on the journey of my marriage to D, and showing me what our marriage is truly intended for.  HIS Daily Teachings today is reminding me that not only did we tie the knot that day, but when we were both saved, and received the gift of HIS SALVATION that we truly did Tie the Knot.

HE is wanting me to know that our version and HIS version are completely different.  As upon entering into marriage with D, I fully "expected" him to just know me, know my needs, and simply put, he was there to love me, take care of me, nurture me, and be sure to meet ALL of my "needs."  HE is telling me that it was in those time's where I failed to see that there was so much more to our marriage than either one of us could have possibly imagined.  

By year three of our marriage we were now parents to two beautiful little girls, and things were rocky to say the least.  D was working a hour away from home, and we had made the decision that I would stay home with the girls, and take care of our home.(small two bedroom apartment)   As I have written in other blogs this in where my demons met up with me, and I began to plan my exit from this cruel harsh world. 

The harsh reality was this, I was so focused on D and making him my everything, and I was so desperately wanting to be his everything that I was overwhelming him.  My past was creeping up and out of me daily, and before long I was completely coming apart at the seams.  Three and a half years into our marriage, it was no longer, "Hi honey welcome home, I missed you *kiss* how was your day?"  Sadly, it was more like, "Great your home, F%$^ could you have stayed longer at the office(sarcasm, as I was totally resentful that he had a life outside of our apartment) To which D responded, " You know what F%$^ You, I worked all day, and you didn't even make dinner, what's wrong with you?"  It saddens me to be reliving this moment in our marriage but I am thankful as HE has redeemed us both from that time in our marriage, and through HIS amazing love and grace we have overcome our communication battles to where we now fight about the issues, and NOT fight with each other.  

It has taken a really long time, as I am a sllllooooow learner to, accept that NOT everything is about me in our marriage, that's why its called "our marriage."  HE is reminding me once again that "our" doesn't mean just D and I, rather it means HIM, teaching, leading, and guiding us both to become WHO each other needs in our marriage.  D and I learned a long time ago that we needed to tie the knot, the marriage knot.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A  cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12

Today HE is revealing just what D and signed up for when we agreed to Tie the Knot with HIM.  It is of no surprise to me that today's bible study was focused on insecurity where the author talked about her relationship with her husband.  HE is showing me that often time where I feel the least secure is in my marriage to D, as it is when he isn't meeting my "great expectations," that I "feel" as if though he doesn't listen to me, love me, or care for me the same way I do for him.  

HE is wanting me to know that my thinking has become so distorted in "thinking, speaking, and acting upon my self righteous beliefs that I am all that, and a bag of chips!  HE is truly knocking me off my high horse today, and bringing me along side of HIM to show me that D and I are really not that different, as we both need HIM.

"Your husband loves you" YES he does. And I love him.  But we are flawed people with flawed hearts.  We don't always say the right thing or choose to do the thing that would build the other up."  Beth Moore "So Long:  Insecurity"

HE is letting me know that even though I married D for love HE is showing me that through choosing to Tie the Knot with HIM love isn't just a "feeling" rather love is an action, meaning that when  life gets hard, and the storms roll in, I must choose to hold fast to my FAITH in HIM, that HE will carry us through the storm. HE is wanting me to remember that in the earlier days of my marriage to D and "thinking" that D's job was to carry me through our life's challenges is NOT what I need to be thinking these days.

HE is reminding me that D and I are both flawed people, WHO need HIM, and that means that both of us are going to slip from time to time, and there will be times where each of us want to run the other way, and that is WHY HE became THE KNOT in our marriage.

HE is teaching me that while the world's view is to marry for now (until someone better comes along), and marry until (until you hurt me, and I can't forgive you) marry for love (I love the way you make me feel, and dote on me, I love being your best friend, and I love all of our ooey gooey lovey dovey talk about our "feelings") marry for lust (you look good, I look good, we both look good together, of course we'll get married, we'll be the best looking couple) marry for money (all I "need" is someone who is "rich" and then I will be happy) or like D and I we got married because it was the next step in our relationship. 

HE is wanting me to know that while we may have gotten married for all the wrong reasons, we have been given HIS blessed assurance, in seeking HIS perspective of our marriage and what we both need to be doing so that we contribute to our marriage.  HE is reminding me once again that my marriage to D isn't 50/50 rather it is 100/100.  This means that I must seek HIS will for my life, my marriage to D, and choose to follow HIS plan, and HIS will for our marriage.  HE is wanting me to know that even when I "feel" as if though D isn't doing the same, I must choose to press on and press through by modeling CHRIST in our marriage to D, so that he too will seek HIS will, and HIS plan for our marriage.  

HE is telling me that is what HIS intention for marriage has been all along, for each of us to wake every day saying, "how can I make their day even better than yesterday?  What is my husband/wife needing from me?  How can I show them that I am in this marriage for better or for worse , for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, till death do us part?"  HE is wanting me to know that the answer to those questions comes when we choose to see that HE is THE KNOT in our marriage. 

"We love each other deeply and know each other like no one else" Beth Moore

HE is telling me that D knows me in ways that only he is supposed to know, and I am the same way for him. HE is wanting me to know that this has been HIS purpose, HIS plan, and HIS vision all along for the creation of our marriage.  HE is teaching me that this means that when both D and I are actively seeking HIM and allowing HIM to be the center of our marriage to be THE KNOT HE is FAITHFUL, and HE is there, and HE absolutely cares for each of us, and the fate of our marriage.  Therefore, I must choose to get out of my own way, and allow HIS way to be the only way for our marriage.  

"We are versed in each other's weaknesses and starkly aware of the other's vulnerabilities.  Most of the time we avoid those areas.  Some of the time we aim at them."  Beth Moore

HE is teaching me that I am NOT being made aware of D's vulnerabilities so that I may use them against him, rather to know, and to encourage D, by building him up in choosing to speak HIS words, and HIS truth into D's life of WHO he is, because I know that he is HIS son!

HE is wanting me to remember that it is in those moments where I "feel" like lashing out, I must choose to guard my thoughts, and allow HIM to tame my tongue, as it is much harder to rebuke the lies that penetrate our hearts the way they do when the lies come from our other half.  

HE is telling me that my marriage to D wasn't created so that we would battle each other, rather to that we would battle the circumstances and our life's challenges facing them as a team.  HE is wanting me to remember that HE is our coach for our team.  HE is THE KNOT that will keep our heads in the game of life, and HE is the only one WHO will lead us to victory!  

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:37

HE is reminding me that so often I forget that D and I are on the same team, as I am so busy comparing, blaming, and failing to see just how amazing D is.  HE is wanting me to know that I must get my head in the game in get my focus on what HE wants for our marriage and let go of my own foolish agenda, one of which frankly revolves around three people, (me, myself, and I) 

This is hard for me, as I don't like to "think" of my self, as selfish.  However, after going through HIS Daily Teachings with HIM today, I am seeing where I have been so focused on my foolish agenda, and have missed the mark so many times, and have forgone the opportunities to receive the abundance of blessings that HE has been waiting to pour over my marriage to D.  

I now know that it has been no coincidence that HE began working on strengthening and building our FAITH and TRUST in HIM in regards to our marriage, so that we would be able minister to others about the matter's of marriage.  HE has placed it heavy on my heart as well as D's to be able to speak HIS words, and HIS TRUTH about what a CHRIST centered marriage really looks like.

Today I am so incredibly thankful that HE is teaching me, and showing me where I have fallen short in my marriage to D.  I am thankful for HIS mercifully, endless, relentless love and amazing grace, of which without D and I wouldn't be getting ready to celebrate 16 years of marriage in just under 4 months.  I am so incredibly blessed to be D's wife, and to know that though we may not know how to navigate through the storms of our marriage, all we need to do is keep THE KNOT tied tight in our marriage, and HE will help us OVERCOME every single difficulty, and challenge that we may face in our marriage.

Looking back on D and my hardships it will include: infidelity, suicidal threats, broken trust, divorce threat, divorces door step (twice) miscarriage (twice) depression, bankruptcy, foreclosure, health crisis (too many) financial loss, job loss, deaths in family, but through it all HE was there, HE was THE KNOT in our marriage, and HE continues to be just that in our marriage today. 

D and I are getting to know each other the way HE has always intended for us to by choosing to make time for our marriage, in dating each other every week, and talking about our hopes, and dreams for our marriage, ourselves, and our family.  There are times where we can't afford to go "out" so instead we go for walks, as some of our best talks have come from our walks with HIM.   

I am in complete awe of how much HE loves us, and how HE delights in showing us how much HE does!  I am so incredibly blessed, and thankful to be D's wife and to know that I was created to be his bride.  He still gives me butterflies after all this time with just a look, and I am so thankful that I know it is all because we have chosen to ask HIM to be THE KNOT.  

Dear Friends, I know life is hard.  Marriage is hard.  Sometimes unbearable... I pray today that you will know that HE cares for you, and HE is there.  HE is waiting for you to say that you need HIM.  I pray right now in this very moment in you are in a broken marriage, one where your trust has been broken, or abused, I pray that you will seek HIM for healing, for comfort, and for peace to know that HE will turn this all out for your good, by bringing you close to HIM, and allowing HIM to show you HIS vision for your marriage.  I pray that even if today you had a fight with your spouse that you will go to HIM, and ask HIM to show you what is really going on behind the scenes.  I pray today that you will have the courage to seek HIM to ask HIM to transform and renew your heart so that you will be the person that your spouse needs.  I pray that you will know that you aren't in this alone, that HE is there, and HE is ready, and waiting to teach, lead, and guide you and to show you what HIS vision is for your marriage.  I pray that if you are single, you will see my story as HIS message of the only reason to be married, and to teach you that when you allow HIM to be THE KNOT in your marriage you too will be more than a conqueror!  

With much love, prayers, understanding, compassion, and blessings,

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