There hasn't been a day that has gone by since Monday, October 13, 2014 where I haven't wrestled with doubts. So much in fact that I didn't realize just how much I wrestled with this on a daily basis, until HE spoke straight to my heart this morning through a song. Blessings, by Laura Story speaks volumes to my heart this morning, about just how much I have allowed myself to be filled daily with doubts.
The more I listen to this song, the more I can feel HIM speaking to me, and telling me that just as the lyrics say, that is how I hang onto my doubts. This pains me, as I don't want to live in a way that say's "Okay GOD I'll trust you as long as things are going good for me okay, but when things get back again.... well honestly I think I'm gonna have to pull back a bit in the trust department......"
HIS Daily Teachings today is getting right to the matters of my heart, in whether or not I really do trust HIM, and if I do, why don't I act like it? Why don't I speak like it? Why don't I model it for all to SEE? HE is giving me a vision of myself in what I look like when I pray, and how I hold back in my prayers.
We pray for blessings ~ this I am always praying for. There is a day that goes by where I haven't asked HIM to please pour HIS blessings and favor over our family.
We pray for peace ~ this is a constant prayer of mine, as sometimes it's just so incredibly hard to breathe through one moment to the next. I pray for this all day long, as I don't know how else to make it through the day.
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep ~ this is HUGE prayer that I pray every.single.night, and yet every single night, I'm filled with doubts...... as I lay there watching D sleep, touching him to make sure he's still breathing, and sometimes feeling so panicked for my children that I go into their rooms to make sure they are still with me. I hold tight to that control of having to SEE it for myself..... thus I lose a TON of sleep..... from fear..... from doubts....... I know this because Seth was safely asleep in his bed, and death snuck into our home, and stole our precious baby boy. My little one year son, all by himself went on the biggest journey of his precious little life......... without me.......
We pray for healing, for prosperity ~ I pray for healing, not even really sure what that means, or looks like for myself or my family. Healing from tears, the tears, the oceans that I have cried.... the constant ache of my eyes that are so incredibly weary from crying from the depths of my soul..... scared that I may never stop crying..... doubts.....
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering ~ not even prayer, but rather begging, pleading for HIM to please take away this suffering from my broken shattered heart. Even in knowing HIS word, and speaking HIS word, still unsure if whether or NOT HIS word is really for me............. doubts......
All the while, You hear each spoken need ~ at every single turn HE is letting me know that HE hears my cries for help, and knows how quickly I get discouraged, and full of despair. HE knows how I wrestle with continuous doubts....
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things ~ I am so incredibly blown away by HIS unfailing and relentless love for me and my family. At every turn through my prayers HE has answered in ways that go above and beyond anything I could have ever though possible..... yet even in ALL the goodness that HE has done, is doing, and will do...... I continue to wrestle with....... doubts......
Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops ~ when Seth died we had months of rain, and the sun hardly came out. It was truly the darkest time of my life. Every where I looked it was doom and gloom, inside of me, around me, and even outside..... I wrestled with some of my most difficult doubts this past winter.
What if Your healing comes through tears ~ my tears I feel as if though they could fill oceans daily. My tears fall like rain, sometimes without me even knowing. My eyes are constantly be wiped. Tears straight from my broken heart, tears from my shattered heart..... tears that are filled with love, anger, despair, anguish, pain, sorrow, grief, and JOY..... and even though I know feel JOY, there deep inside I still wrestle with...... doubts.....
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near ~ there are times where I cry out to HIM asking HIM to please lift me out of this nightmare...... please let me wake up and know that it was all just a dream... please, please, please LORD unbreak my heart so I can sleep, so I can rest, so I can trust..... so I won't have to wrestle with any more of these......doubts....
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise ~ I have no words in talking about how much I wrestle with doubts while enduring yet another trial in my life...... yet I am blown away by HIS endless mercies as HE loves me through each and every single of my trials in my life... all of which HE allowed...... and knowing that...... ugh...... there lies within me...... doubts.....
We pray for wisdom ~ I pray for HIS wisdom, but if I were being completely honest, I think I'm scared to have HIS total wisdom, as that would mean I would have to let go of my humanness, and the very thought of that scares me, as that means I'm all in, I'm trusting HIM completely.... and well to be honest..... the last time I did that.... well you know what happened...... thus I still wrestle with...... doubts....
Your voice to hear ~ I am constantly praying for HIM to speak HIS truth to me, to fill me with HIS word, so that I will know HIS voice.... and yet even when I know it's HIS voice..... something inside keeps me drowning.... and trapped in.... doubts...
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near ~ in the very moment where I first found Seth lifeless..... I cried out to HIM..... OH GOD, OH GOD, please HELP ME.... OH GOD..... and even in begging, pleading, asking HIM to please hear my plea to save my precious son Seth..... HE answered me, and it was....NO...... and it was the hardest thing for me to accept.... and I still wrestle with.... doubts.... of whether or NOT HE really loves me, as how could HE possibly allow my son to be ripped from my arms??? How could HE break my heart??? How could HE shatter my heart???
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love ~ never in my life have I been filled with so many doubts.... doubts of whether or not HE really is good, or that HE does indeed love me..... how could a loving GOD allow something so cruel.... how could a loving GOD allow such an unthinkable loss??? doubts.....
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough ~ though I know HIS word, meditate on it, and soak in it....I still wrestle with..... doubts.... as if HIS word isn't enough, as it doesn't always bring me comfort.... as I need, well I don't even know what I need...... what I need I can't have....and so it goes.... I continue to wrestle with...... doubts....
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea ~ HE is constantly pouring HIS love into me, and speaking straight to my heart, to let me know how HE hears my cries, and my pleas for help..... yet even in hearing HIM speak to my heart, when HE doesn't remove that horrific pain from me right then and there.... well I find myself again wrestling with..... doubts.....
And long that we'd have faith to believe ~ Never in my entire journey of FAITH with HIM have I been so extremely tested, at every level. Never have I had to break open, examine, seek, and ask HIM how, why, and what do I do now that HE has allowed my heart to be shattered??? Even when HE answers.... if its not what I am expecting, or "think" I am needing..... there creeps in..... doubts.....
When friends betray us ~ this is the ugliness that lies deep within me, friends... well meaning, kind hearted people have hurt me.....their words have stung me, and stunted me in ways that I haven't realized until now..... and when that happens.... I begin to wrestle with..... doubts..... as to whether or NOT HE really intended for me to be friends with them.
When darkness seems to win ~ the entire month of February.... this was my life.... this was my thought... darkness was seeming to win... I couldn't get into HIS light long enough to get any sort of relief, and the harder I fought my way to HIS light, the more darkness filled in.... this is when depression hit..... as I opened my heart to..... doubts....
We know the pain reminds this heart ~ this constant reminder of pain.... this ache.... this longing..... it's unbearable... and if I'm not careful, I can quickly fall back into the pit of despair, and allow myself to once again to be filled with..... doubts.... in whether or NOT HE really does care, or is HE leaving me here, cast down, waiting to die???
That this is not, this is not our home ~ RELIEF at LAST!!!! RELIEF sweet JESUS thank YOU for YOUR sweet RELIEF... through HIS words..... through HIS love, HE is filling in those doubts....
What if my greatest disappointments ~ my life is FULL of them.... still I can look back and SEE HIM in all of it, and even though I was disappointed then, HE is moving MOUNTAINS to make them my now GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS!!!
Or the aching of this life ~ though I now live with constant ache, I know that is HIS loving reminder that HEAVEN is my HOME and my perspective, my vision, is all centered on HIM, and what HE is doing in me and through me right now in this life that I have been given.
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ" Philippians 3:20
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy ~ I have a constant thirst for HIS word, for HIS truth, to be HIS light, because I know at the end of the day, it's all that I truly have.... as when I die, when I leave this life, this world... all that will matter is what I did to be a part of HIS KINGDOM here and now!!!
"You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1
" so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God," Colossians 1:10
What if trials of this life ~ I am learning that I will always have a trial to face in this life, as it is trial, tests, and storms that have grown my FAITH in HIM. I often think when someone says, "I wish I had your level of FAITH..." I think, "if you only knew how many tests, trials, and storms I had to go through to have this FAITH.....
"We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Thessalonians 1:3
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights ~ I no longer live in question of whether or not there will be another storm.... as I know there will be... and I know that I will still experience fear.... but I also know that when I seek HIM, HE will give me COURAGE to withstand the fear, and give me HIS strength to get through it, and when I'm in front of it, I can smile, as I know HE truly does love me, as I NEVER have to doubt whether or NOT HE cares of if HE'S really there, because I would have NEVER survived this tragedy without HIM.
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong" 1 Corinthians 16:13
Are your mercies in disguise ~ I have learned more about HIS LOVE, COMPASSION, GRACE, PEACE and MERCY in the last six months of my life than I have in my entire lifetime. I know without a doubt that HIS mercies are new every single morning. I know that when I have a bad day, HE is there, holding me, waiting for me to fall apart in HIS arms, and cry out to HIM how I am feeling. I know that when I am missing my sweet Sethie so bad it hurts, I know HE is holding him, and HE is holding me, so knowing that, I know Sethie is with me........
"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23
I have learned that where ever doubts lie..... HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT, HIS TRUTH, and I will soon be living in HIS truth, as it is HIS mission to prove to me daily that HE is WHO HE says HE is, and HE will do what HE says HE will do. I know that every day that I am given is HIS precious gift to me, because HE loves me, because HE chose me for the GREAT MISSION, to walk this hard journey of grief, because HE knew that HE had equipped me, and prepared me for it. HE knew I would be able to STAND FIRM in my FAITH, and would use my doubts..... to grow to strengthen, to renew, refine, and transform me, and my FAITH so that I would NOT only understand HIM and HIS ways, but I would know HIM, as HE draws me closer to HIM through each trial that I conquer with HIM.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that you will know that HE planned for you to have doubts.... as that is how HE will prove HIS unfailing love to you. I pray today that if you are wrestling with doubts as to whether or NOT HE has forgotten about you.... I pray you will have the courage to fall apart in HIS arms and let HIM know that. I pray that HE will overwhelm you with HIS presence, and that you will know that you are deeply loved by HIM. I pray that you will know that in your moments where you question whether or NOT HE really is good, that you will SEE that HE planned that, as HIS chance to prove to you just how good HE is.
with love, compassion, understanding, grace, and prayers,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
The more I listen to this song, the more I can feel HIM speaking to me, and telling me that just as the lyrics say, that is how I hang onto my doubts. This pains me, as I don't want to live in a way that say's "Okay GOD I'll trust you as long as things are going good for me okay, but when things get back again.... well honestly I think I'm gonna have to pull back a bit in the trust department......"
HIS Daily Teachings today is getting right to the matters of my heart, in whether or not I really do trust HIM, and if I do, why don't I act like it? Why don't I speak like it? Why don't I model it for all to SEE? HE is giving me a vision of myself in what I look like when I pray, and how I hold back in my prayers.
We pray for blessings ~ this I am always praying for. There is a day that goes by where I haven't asked HIM to please pour HIS blessings and favor over our family.
We pray for peace ~ this is a constant prayer of mine, as sometimes it's just so incredibly hard to breathe through one moment to the next. I pray for this all day long, as I don't know how else to make it through the day.
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep ~ this is HUGE prayer that I pray every.single.night, and yet every single night, I'm filled with doubts...... as I lay there watching D sleep, touching him to make sure he's still breathing, and sometimes feeling so panicked for my children that I go into their rooms to make sure they are still with me. I hold tight to that control of having to SEE it for myself..... thus I lose a TON of sleep..... from fear..... from doubts....... I know this because Seth was safely asleep in his bed, and death snuck into our home, and stole our precious baby boy. My little one year son, all by himself went on the biggest journey of his precious little life......... without me.......
We pray for healing, for prosperity ~ I pray for healing, not even really sure what that means, or looks like for myself or my family. Healing from tears, the tears, the oceans that I have cried.... the constant ache of my eyes that are so incredibly weary from crying from the depths of my soul..... scared that I may never stop crying..... doubts.....
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering ~ not even prayer, but rather begging, pleading for HIM to please take away this suffering from my broken shattered heart. Even in knowing HIS word, and speaking HIS word, still unsure if whether or NOT HIS word is really for me............. doubts......
All the while, You hear each spoken need ~ at every single turn HE is letting me know that HE hears my cries for help, and knows how quickly I get discouraged, and full of despair. HE knows how I wrestle with continuous doubts....
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things ~ I am so incredibly blown away by HIS unfailing and relentless love for me and my family. At every turn through my prayers HE has answered in ways that go above and beyond anything I could have ever though possible..... yet even in ALL the goodness that HE has done, is doing, and will do...... I continue to wrestle with....... doubts......
Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops ~ when Seth died we had months of rain, and the sun hardly came out. It was truly the darkest time of my life. Every where I looked it was doom and gloom, inside of me, around me, and even outside..... I wrestled with some of my most difficult doubts this past winter.
What if Your healing comes through tears ~ my tears I feel as if though they could fill oceans daily. My tears fall like rain, sometimes without me even knowing. My eyes are constantly be wiped. Tears straight from my broken heart, tears from my shattered heart..... tears that are filled with love, anger, despair, anguish, pain, sorrow, grief, and JOY..... and even though I know feel JOY, there deep inside I still wrestle with...... doubts.....
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near ~ there are times where I cry out to HIM asking HIM to please lift me out of this nightmare...... please let me wake up and know that it was all just a dream... please, please, please LORD unbreak my heart so I can sleep, so I can rest, so I can trust..... so I won't have to wrestle with any more of these......doubts....
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise ~ I have no words in talking about how much I wrestle with doubts while enduring yet another trial in my life...... yet I am blown away by HIS endless mercies as HE loves me through each and every single of my trials in my life... all of which HE allowed...... and knowing that...... ugh...... there lies within me...... doubts.....
We pray for wisdom ~ I pray for HIS wisdom, but if I were being completely honest, I think I'm scared to have HIS total wisdom, as that would mean I would have to let go of my humanness, and the very thought of that scares me, as that means I'm all in, I'm trusting HIM completely.... and well to be honest..... the last time I did that.... well you know what happened...... thus I still wrestle with...... doubts....
Your voice to hear ~ I am constantly praying for HIM to speak HIS truth to me, to fill me with HIS word, so that I will know HIS voice.... and yet even when I know it's HIS voice..... something inside keeps me drowning.... and trapped in.... doubts...
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near ~ in the very moment where I first found Seth lifeless..... I cried out to HIM..... OH GOD, OH GOD, please HELP ME.... OH GOD..... and even in begging, pleading, asking HIM to please hear my plea to save my precious son Seth..... HE answered me, and it was....NO...... and it was the hardest thing for me to accept.... and I still wrestle with.... doubts.... of whether or NOT HE really loves me, as how could HE possibly allow my son to be ripped from my arms??? How could HE break my heart??? How could HE shatter my heart???
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love ~ never in my life have I been filled with so many doubts.... doubts of whether or not HE really is good, or that HE does indeed love me..... how could a loving GOD allow something so cruel.... how could a loving GOD allow such an unthinkable loss??? doubts.....
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough ~ though I know HIS word, meditate on it, and soak in it....I still wrestle with..... doubts.... as if HIS word isn't enough, as it doesn't always bring me comfort.... as I need, well I don't even know what I need...... what I need I can't have....and so it goes.... I continue to wrestle with...... doubts....
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea ~ HE is constantly pouring HIS love into me, and speaking straight to my heart, to let me know how HE hears my cries, and my pleas for help..... yet even in hearing HIM speak to my heart, when HE doesn't remove that horrific pain from me right then and there.... well I find myself again wrestling with..... doubts.....
And long that we'd have faith to believe ~ Never in my entire journey of FAITH with HIM have I been so extremely tested, at every level. Never have I had to break open, examine, seek, and ask HIM how, why, and what do I do now that HE has allowed my heart to be shattered??? Even when HE answers.... if its not what I am expecting, or "think" I am needing..... there creeps in..... doubts.....
When friends betray us ~ this is the ugliness that lies deep within me, friends... well meaning, kind hearted people have hurt me.....their words have stung me, and stunted me in ways that I haven't realized until now..... and when that happens.... I begin to wrestle with..... doubts..... as to whether or NOT HE really intended for me to be friends with them.
When darkness seems to win ~ the entire month of February.... this was my life.... this was my thought... darkness was seeming to win... I couldn't get into HIS light long enough to get any sort of relief, and the harder I fought my way to HIS light, the more darkness filled in.... this is when depression hit..... as I opened my heart to..... doubts....
We know the pain reminds this heart ~ this constant reminder of pain.... this ache.... this longing..... it's unbearable... and if I'm not careful, I can quickly fall back into the pit of despair, and allow myself to once again to be filled with..... doubts.... in whether or NOT HE really does care, or is HE leaving me here, cast down, waiting to die???
That this is not, this is not our home ~ RELIEF at LAST!!!! RELIEF sweet JESUS thank YOU for YOUR sweet RELIEF... through HIS words..... through HIS love, HE is filling in those doubts....
What if my greatest disappointments ~ my life is FULL of them.... still I can look back and SEE HIM in all of it, and even though I was disappointed then, HE is moving MOUNTAINS to make them my now GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS!!!
Or the aching of this life ~ though I now live with constant ache, I know that is HIS loving reminder that HEAVEN is my HOME and my perspective, my vision, is all centered on HIM, and what HE is doing in me and through me right now in this life that I have been given.
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ" Philippians 3:20
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy ~ I have a constant thirst for HIS word, for HIS truth, to be HIS light, because I know at the end of the day, it's all that I truly have.... as when I die, when I leave this life, this world... all that will matter is what I did to be a part of HIS KINGDOM here and now!!!
"You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1
" so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God," Colossians 1:10
What if trials of this life ~ I am learning that I will always have a trial to face in this life, as it is trial, tests, and storms that have grown my FAITH in HIM. I often think when someone says, "I wish I had your level of FAITH..." I think, "if you only knew how many tests, trials, and storms I had to go through to have this FAITH.....
"We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Thessalonians 1:3
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights ~ I no longer live in question of whether or not there will be another storm.... as I know there will be... and I know that I will still experience fear.... but I also know that when I seek HIM, HE will give me COURAGE to withstand the fear, and give me HIS strength to get through it, and when I'm in front of it, I can smile, as I know HE truly does love me, as I NEVER have to doubt whether or NOT HE cares of if HE'S really there, because I would have NEVER survived this tragedy without HIM.
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong" 1 Corinthians 16:13
Are your mercies in disguise ~ I have learned more about HIS LOVE, COMPASSION, GRACE, PEACE and MERCY in the last six months of my life than I have in my entire lifetime. I know without a doubt that HIS mercies are new every single morning. I know that when I have a bad day, HE is there, holding me, waiting for me to fall apart in HIS arms, and cry out to HIM how I am feeling. I know that when I am missing my sweet Sethie so bad it hurts, I know HE is holding him, and HE is holding me, so knowing that, I know Sethie is with me........
"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23
I have learned that where ever doubts lie..... HE will SHINE HIS LIGHT, HIS TRUTH, and I will soon be living in HIS truth, as it is HIS mission to prove to me daily that HE is WHO HE says HE is, and HE will do what HE says HE will do. I know that every day that I am given is HIS precious gift to me, because HE loves me, because HE chose me for the GREAT MISSION, to walk this hard journey of grief, because HE knew that HE had equipped me, and prepared me for it. HE knew I would be able to STAND FIRM in my FAITH, and would use my doubts..... to grow to strengthen, to renew, refine, and transform me, and my FAITH so that I would NOT only understand HIM and HIS ways, but I would know HIM, as HE draws me closer to HIM through each trial that I conquer with HIM.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that you will know that HE planned for you to have doubts.... as that is how HE will prove HIS unfailing love to you. I pray today that if you are wrestling with doubts as to whether or NOT HE has forgotten about you.... I pray you will have the courage to fall apart in HIS arms and let HIM know that. I pray that HE will overwhelm you with HIS presence, and that you will know that you are deeply loved by HIM. I pray that you will know that in your moments where you question whether or NOT HE really is good, that you will SEE that HE planned that, as HIS chance to prove to you just how good HE is.
with love, compassion, understanding, grace, and prayers,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,
~ Heather
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