D began in his closet, that he shared with his older brother. We packed away all of our oldest son's things for his new room in our new home. We went through the million blankets that were in the closet that both brothers loved to build forts with........... thinking about those forts, and many sleep overs in their room on the floor....... staying up late watching movies..... laughing, giggling, and wrestling as brothers do..... tears fell as blankets were packed, and memories were tucked away into my heart.... and the pain that I felt was rising to another level.
The deeper D dug into the closet, the more memories came flooding out. Brothers forever, that is what everything that he placed lovingly into each of the boxes. The matchbox cars given to the boys as special gifts, never opened..... knowing that Seth would never play cars with his older brother again..... looking to my left and seeing the cars ramp that both boys played with together on an almost daily basis........ tears fell harder with each blink, and my pain was continue to rise to another level.
The clothes basket that has been sitting in his closet for almost six months now..... containing all of his favorite most recently worn clothes. All of which I REFUSED to put away in his dresser as I knew it would be the last time I would do that. Trying to desperately to avoid the next level of pain that was crushing my heart, and making it so incredibly hard to breathe. Seeing the basket that I had been avoiding all this time, knowing.... his shoes, his socks..... his pajamas.... all of which I would never be putting on him ever again...... tears streaming down my face, I felt the cries of my heart starting to rise out of my chest just as they did the moment I found my precious son lifeless..... pain at yet another level.
D and I had purchased a fifty gallon tote and placed it at the end of our bed on the night of our sixteenth wedding anniversary. We knew that eventually we would fill this tote with all the precious memories of our sweet baby Sethie. We knew that we needed a place to hold all of the things that he held dear to himself, that we now clung to as it was all that we had left of him.... physically that is. Pain that night as we placed it at the foot of our bed..... pain at another level.....
With such loving, gentle care, D held up each piece of clothing of our precious baby, and tears fell even harder. The only answer I had to give was hope chest, or keep. If I didn't answer anything D knew I had no emotional attachment to it, and he put in the donation box. Seeing the favorite shirts from all the pictures that we have our precious son..... I felt as if those my heart would stop beating.... it took my breath away, and tears fell even hard, and cries from my heart burst out, as my pain was felt at another level.
Pain, sorrow, anguish, and tears flooded my every thought, every word..... my everything.... I was crushed..... I was angry, I was bitter, and I was so incredibly..... unimaginably..... indescribably...... heartbroken. D wiped his eyes, with such deep sorrow written all over his face. He kept lovingly placing all of Seth's clothes in the tote, pausing with each one, reliving the precious memories with me.... our sweet baby boy, gone.... way too soon...... our cries of anguish that we were just getting to know this amazing little person that HE had entrusted into our care. His personality fully intact, he was just beginning to talk like a big boy..... we had amazing fall and winter planned for our boys...... and our girls...... those plans just over, with no warning..... pain of losing those dreams.....those plans...... felt at at whole other level.
Finally it was time to go through his toys...... pain was crushing my heart, yet I was still breathing... tear stained face, trembling I stood up and walked over to his shelves, and began telling D what toys needed to go into his Hope Chest. Stopping when I saw his little red car that he so dearly loved and cherished, and his little four wheeler.... both of which brought me to my knees.... pain like I hadn't felt since that day I lost Seth..... pain at another level.
When the last box was packed and the tote was full, I began to have chest pains..... I had cried so hard, that I was experiencing physical pain at a whole new level. Though I had cried oceans of tears since that day, and for the past now 27 weeks.....I had yet to feel as those I were losing him all over again. However little did I know or realize that day HE was taking my TRUST in HIM to a whole other level.
HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS promise to me that though I will have to experience pain at a whole new level.... I can be rest assured through HIS Blessed Assurance that when I choose to trust HIM, HE will be there, HE will help me, and HE will bring my FAITH in HIM to a whole new level. HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how hard Saturday was for me, and HE knew that my heart was being crushed with each item being placed into his tote. HE is telling me that HE heard my cries of anguish knowing that my precious little boys life, all of his physical things fit into one fifty gallon tote, and the harsh reality that sadly this was my story, HIS story of a Mama losing her precious little boy one ordinary day during his nap time.
", hear my prayer,in your faithfulness and righteousness
HE is wanting me to know that my pain, my anguish, my sorrow is known by HIM. HE knows how much I cry, and how often I cry myself to sleep. HE is telling me that HE was there, holding me yesterday when words were spoken in love, and they stung, as the harsh reality of my story was truly felt, as when I try so hard to just accept what is, my heart won't let me, and I find myself asking HIM once again WHY???
"In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the , weeping bitterly." 1 Samuel 1:10
HE is telling me that with each why??? that my broken Mama heart cries, HE hears, and HE will use as another way for HIM to pour HIS blessings and favor all over my life, so that I will be able to experience HIS amazing, relentless, unfailing, unconditional love. HE is wanting me to know that though I may not understand or SEE how this could possibly be the plan for my life, and my families life, HE knows... and when I choose to fully TRUST HIM, HE will soothe my pain, and will grow and strengthen my FAITH in HIM as HE takes it to a whole new level.
Never in my life have I depended so deeply on my FAITH in HIM. Never have I ever struggled so hard just to sit up in my bed every morning, knowing..... that it will be another day that I won't be seeing my sweet little boy. Never have I been in such deep prayer in asking for strength, just so that I would be able to ask for more strength. Never have I had to beg, plead, or ask HIM to please take FEAR from my racing heart. Never have I cried so consistently to the point where my eyes and head ache all of the time. Never have I had to seek and ask HIM to pour courage into me to even just step out of my home. Never have I ever, I could write so much more of Never, however if it weren't for this season of never, I wouldn't know HIM as I know HIM. I wouldn't be able to share HIS goodness, HIS love, HIS mercy, HIS grace, HIS peace, HIS kindness, and HIS compassion.
It is because HE has chosen me to walk this journey of grief, that I am able to SEE that HE has taken my FAITH in HIM, and for HIM to a whole new level. It is because of HIS deep love for me that I am confident that HE is doing a good work in me, and HE is using me as HIS living vessel to share my story which is HIS story, that HE wrote so beautifully and perfectly just for me, as HE knew one day I would be saved and rescued by HIM, and HE would begin to teach, lead, and guide me on an amazing journey towards wholeness with HIM.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
Though I am broken, and so full of sorrow, I am now experiencing HIS TRUE JOY, as HE continually pours HIS love and favor over my life, and my families life. Hearing every single one of my prayers, HE has answered them in the most amazing ways. There is so much to share, yet the timing isn't right yet to fully share, but I tell you I am so excited for the day that HIS timing will be perfect.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer today that you will SEE HIS Promises being lived out in my life. HE promises to be there for you always, and that when you are in pain, HE is there, waiting for an opportunity to show you just how much HE loves you. I pray today that you if you are currently in a horrific storm, that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to use your pain to bring you to a whole new level of FAITH for HIM, and in HIM.
Always in prayers, with love, grace, understanding, and compassion,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,