Currently what I am going through is yet another storm. Another test to SEE how far I'm willing to LET GO, and LET HIM work in me and through me. My heart has been shattered, blown up, and stepped on, in the most unimaginable way. There are days where all I can do is cry..... silent tears.... tears of which I know HIS HOLY SPIRIT speaks for me. Tears of fear, anxiety, and guilt. It is in those moments where I am begging for all of the testing to STOP, to CEASE to exist, so I can get some relief. However as I am growing in my FAITH in HIM, and am learning about HIS character more and more, I know that HIS intention is NOT to make things easy for me, but to allow them to become so uncomfortable for me, so unbearable for me, so that I will lean in, and press deep into HIM for HIS help, guidance, support, love, grace, and peace.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." Romans 8:26
" " James 1:2-5
HIS Daily Teachings today is speaking directly to my heart about how HE knows the struggle is real..... and HE knows it, because HE planned it to be so, so that HE would draw me even closer to HIM. So that I would experience HIS perfect love, so that I would NOT only know, but understand that HE is truly SOVEREIGN. I wish I could say that this brings me tremendous comfort ALL of the time, however in all transparency I think its better to be honest about how the struggle is real.
I came across a quote a few weeks ago, and it practically screamed my anguish out for me.
"It's easy for you to say, "GOD needed another angel, since HE didn't ask you for yours."
I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have heard that from loving, caring people WHO "think" that is something that will bring me comfort, in reminding me that Seth is with HIM. To be honest, it is so overwhelmingly obvious as to where Seth is, since he most certainly isn't here. To be honest, when people say these things to me I want to scream, and tell them to SHUT UP, and to just try and imagine ONE night without your child.... knowing in the morning when you wake up, you will NEVER SEE his or her face again.... Just try.... and then you will know the struggle is real.....
In my anger towards others, HE works even deeper on my heart about forgiveness. HE reminds me that HE has forgiven me, so surely I can forgive them. HE speaks HIS truth to my heart, and softens it towards the person who has hurt me, all the while all I really want to do is throw myself down and throw a massive fit about how unfair, unbearable, and overwhelming life has become for me.
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13
To be honest the struggle is real about so much more. It goes way beyond people, but just life in general. These days whenever I am having a bad day, those are the days where I find myself face first crying because LIFE is NOT what I expected it to ever be. However on the good days, I am FULL of PRAISES for HIM, because even though I've been whining and crying about how different it all is, HE is pouring HIS perspective into me, to show me that while things aren't what I "thought" they would be, HE is STILL SOVEREIGN and if I am willing, HE will show me, and through each lesson of learning the depth of HIS SOVEREIGNTY I am blown away by HIS abundance in all of it.
"Sovereign , you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." 2 Samuel 7:28
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" Ephesians 3:20
There is so much going on in my life right now that I can't share about just yet, but what I will tell you is this. I am truly living the life I have always dreamed of. So much, that I "feel" completely guilty whenever I start to cry about how different things are now. I "feel" as if though I am spitting in HIS face, with my ungratefulness. I know this because I am a selfish person, when I am allowing myself, my thoughts, my words, and my actions to be led by the flesh.
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1
HE is telling me today that HE NEVER intended for me to struggle with that for long, but long enough for me to know and understand that this is WHY I need to seek HIM, in ALL things, so that HE can reveal HIS TRUE NATURE through teaching, leading, and guiding me with HIS HOLY SPIRIT. HE is wanting me to know that the reason for HIS teachings, is to prove to me that I need HIM. HE is wanting me to know that I can TRUST HIM, because HE has proven time and again to me that HE is indeed TRUSTWORTHY.
""Sovereign , you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." 2 Samuel 7:28
( I realize that is the 2nd time I've written HIS word today, I think HE's trying to get my attention..... HE is sending me a message....... and its come in loud and clear!!!)
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
I can't begin to tell you how many times I have been contacted thanking me for my transparency, as it is truly inspirational. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have been thanked by people for modeling TRUST for HIM in a way that makes them look at themselves and ask whether or NOT they have that same level of TRUST, that same level of FAITH. FAITH....that is another thing that I am constantly being thanked for modeling.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
To be honest, the struggle is real to be gracious, and thankful for their kind words, when really all I want to do is scream, as I would GIVE up ALL the compliments, to have even ONE minute with my precious son Seth. Yet I know that will NEVER happen in this lifetime, so I smile, say thank you, even if I don't feel like it...... the struggle is real......
HE is wanting me to know that HE knows, how hard it is for me to be gracious, but ensures me that when I am, ALL of HEAVEN is smiling as I am living in HIS KINGDOM, and through each test, trial, and storm, HE will prove to me that ALL of this is done for me, and NOT to me......... just wrapping my mind around that very thought though is where the struggle is real.
HE is wanting me to know that no matter how hard the struggle is or will become, HE is there in ALL of it, and when I seek HIM, HE will pour HIS strength into me so that the struggle will NOT overtake me, rather I will be overcome by HIS peace, HIS grace, and HIS strength, ALL because of HIS Perfect LOVE. HE is wanting me to know that NEVER do I need to worry, as HE is indeed SOVEREIGN and with HIM, and through HIM, HE will create in me renewed SPIRIT that will SHINE HIS light even brighter than I have before. HE is wanting me to know that in choosing to TRUST HIM, it IS HIS mission for me to NOT only know of HIM, but to really KNOW HIM, and understand how mighty, and powerful HE truly is.
"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love." 1 John 4:17-18 The Message Bible
HE is proving this to me daily, as I am facing each and every single one of my fears where the struggle is real exists. I am learning that the very things that I view as struggles, are really just FAITH growing opportunities that HE has designed perfectly to allow me to experience HIS relentless LOVE for me.
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." James 1:2-4 The Message Bible
With each day passing, my FAITH grows by leaps and bounds, and sometimes, stalls as I get caught up in Satan's trap of listening to the lies of the flesh. HE is wanting me to know that THIS is the VERY reason WHY HE has been teaching me, and will continue to teach me the UTMOST importance of keeping my ears open to hearing only HIS whispers so that I NOT only will hear, but will heed HIS whispers so that when I find myself walking the path where once again the struggle is real becomes my reality, I will be able to SHUT OUT, SHUT DOWN, and SHUT UP the enemies lies, and LIVE, truly LIVE in HIS truth, with HIS LIGHT, through HIS word which will lead me safely through the treacherous fires that the enemy is "trying" to take me out with.
"Dear friend, listen well to my words;Keep my message in plain view at all times.Those who discover these words live, really live;
My son, pay attention to what I say;
Today though I know the struggle is real, I know that HE is far greater than any struggle I will EVER face! Today I am choosing to follow JESUS once again, no matter how difficult things may be. Today I am resting, and waiting for HIS perfect timing, soaking in HIS perfect PEACE. Today I am LIVING, really LIVING my life for HIM, and seeking HIM and telling HIM, "LORD today, I'm all in, use me, use my life for YOUR GLORY, its all about YOU LORD, teach me, lead me, and guide me. Show me, reveal to me ALL that you are doing in my life, and the lives of WHOM I will encounter today. LORD SHINE YOUR light in me and through me to LIGHT up this broken and fallen world, that is FULL of the last, the least, and the lost. Today LORD, I will SHOUT IT, SCREAM IT, from the MOUNTAINS of WHO YOU are, to ALL the masses. Today I will say, "no matter what I TRUST YOU LORD, as I know that you truly are SOVEREIGN."
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that this portion of my journey will resonate on some level with each and every single one of you. It is my prayer that when you can SEE something HE is doing in your life that pertains to the struggle is real, that you won't SHRINK BACK, you will STAND FIRM, you will SEEK HIM,and wait on HIS perfect timing. It is my prayer that all the while you are enduring the test, trial, or storm, you will experience HIS PERFECT LOVE, and you too will know that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN.
Always in love, and prayers, with much grace, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,