Yesterday caught me off guard, only because it's been quite some time since I've been truly honest about my feelings. Today however, I'm ready to face these feelings head on, as all I did was toss and turn last night, feeling so completely restless from living in this aftermath of our families unthinkable loss. So restless that NOT only is sleep fleeting, but ugliness has taken up residency inside my heart, and when I finally acknowledged that...... I was so heartbroken, as I realized my anger my ugliness was still for HIM.... all because HE had allowed this unthinkable loss.
It's been over six months since I last held Seth on October 13, 2014. When I think about that day and our last few moments together, an anger like I've never felt boils up inside of me. Whenever someone asks me "how are you doing?" Truthfully all I want to do is scream..... UGH!!! HOW DO YOU THINK I AM DOING???? However, since I know that they mean well, have genuine caring hearts, I don't do that..... instead I keep ALL of my emotions inside about the ugliness that is in my heart towards any and ALL things associated with this unthinkable loss.
In hearing my words spill from my mouth like venom yesterday, I was taken aback that I was allowing that anger to fester deep within me. Honestly I was embarrassed and ashamed for how I was feeling, and reacting to this season of my life. Honestly this journey that I am on just plain sucks. There isn't one thing that I like about living with this unthinkable loss.
My hardest days are when my children are broken down in their tears. When we are all together as a family, making new memories that Seth isn't a part of. The days where I SEE his things, like diapers, socks, shoes, clothes, toys, toothbrush....... oh the toothbrush slays me..... every.single.time. Hearing my oldest son cry out because he wishes so badly his little brother was still here so they could play outside together....... makes my heart bleed for him. Hearing him say "I hope one day Mama has a girl baby..... a sister for me..... we had a boy baby, and he died.... he's in heaven with JESUS......" Hearing those words fall from his lips, though I prayed that his little heart would accept where his little brother is..... had me broken in half in tears, and found me coming completely undone.
This past weekend my two now youngest were outside playing, and D was working on one of our vehicles when two of the neighbors children came over to play. L who is 4 immediately began to inquire.... "Hey wheres the baby?" 13 times...... feeling so completely exasperated D turned to him, not knowing what else to say and said, "he doesn't live here anymore." The harsh reality, our reality of this unthinkable loss is that, he doesn't live here anymore......
Yesterday it hit me so hard that forever in this life whenever HE brings someone new into my life to do life with, I'm going to have to share with them about our unthinkable loss. Honestly this very thought makes me so angry, as I feel so incredibly cheated, as our time together wasn't long enough.... our family was robbed of it's happiness... and whats makes me even angrier is knowing that we aren't the first family to suffer this unthinkable loss, nor will we be the last. Honestly every time I hear of another Mama and Daddy receiving a lifetime membership to this horrific club, that they didn't ask to join, nor could they possibly want to be a part of...... ugh..... makes my heart bleed even more.
More than ever I can honestly say that life is truly unfair. However, even in saying that,I know that not only am I going to make it through this day that I have been given, I'm also going to make it through this life that has been so beautifully, and perfectly written for me. I know this because HE has taken so much time to prepare my heart to know and remember this when I find myself so deep in sorrow of this unthinkable loss, that I know HE is there, HE is helping me, and HE has amazing plans for me. I am constantly reminded that HE is FAITHFUL, HE is SOVEREIGN, and EVERYTHING that HE does is for good....... even when HE allows an unthinkable loss.
As my tears fell violently from my eyes yesterday I reached out to several of my soul sisters all WHOM speak HIS words to me, in ALL the ways that I am so desperately needing to hear them. One of their responses yesterday really caught my attention and really made me think about WHO HE is in my life, and WHAT HE has done, is doing, and will continue to do in my life. Honestly her words spoke VOLUMES to my heart.
"God is with you in your grief in places that only he can go with you. He knows that careless words wound deeply,and even well-intentioned words at best fall so far short of easing the heartache. So he meets you right where you're at… most especially in those moments where even he seems unfamiliar because he allowed a loss so unthinkable. But he will prove himself to be good and faithful over and over again, and you have a beautiful heart that's willing to watch for that."
As the night wore on, I thought about her words, and what they meant for me. I was taken right back to the beginning where my FAITH in HIM for HIM began. It all began because I chose to take that one step I surrendered, repented, and accepted HIM. Looking back on my journey with HIM, my FAITH journey, I can tell you that HE has truly prepared me for this unthinkable loss.
HIS Daily Teachings today is another portion of my FAITH Journey with HIM where HE is teaching me that even in my anger, when all I can do is speak hateful hurtful words, towards HIM, and others, HE is wanting me to know HE can take it. HE is telling me that nothing I am feeling, or thinking catches HIM by surprise as HE knew I would do just that. HE is proving to me time and again that the harder I try to RUN from ALL that HE is doing, the harder HE will press into me, to ensure that I know how much HE loves me. The harder I try and push HIM away, the closer HE holds me to HIM.
HE is wanting me to know that HE knows how angry I am at HIM that this is the plan.... that this unthinkable loss is a part of the plan. HE is telling me HE has been waiting for me to admit to all of this anger that I have been harboring inside, as ALL HE wants to do is to soothe my heartache, by allowing me to be consumed by HIS unconditional, unfailing, unending, relentless LOVE. HE is telling me that I NEVER need to worry about whether or NOT HE SEES my tears, rather HE does SEE them, and HE hears every single one of my cries for help, and wants me to know that I NEVER need to wonder whether or NOT HE will show up, as HE has NEVER left my side, NOT even once.
""Hear me, , and answer me,Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; Bring joy to your servant, Lord,ou, Lord, are forgiving and good,Hear my prayer, ;When I am in distress, I call to you,
HE is telling me that this FAITH Journey that I am on with HIM, sadly does include this unthinkable loss, but only because HE SEES the bigger picture, HE knows the ending, HE knows of ALL the good that is to come. HE is reminding me of HIS goodness today in reminding me of HIS amazing gift of our families forever home. HE is reminding me that in less than two weeks D and I are closing on our dream home. HE is wanting me to know that NOTHING that I could EVER say or do would make HIM love me any less. HE is telling me that HIS plan, HIS purpose, my purpose has already been written, and NOTHING, not even my anger towards HIM will change that.
"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." Revelation 22:13
"I make known the end from the beginning,I say, ‘My purpose will stand,
Honestly it is comforting to know that HE is there, even in the messy and ugly part of my heart, where I am angry, at HIM, and well.... to be honest the world. Even in my jealousy, my bitterness, HE is there. HE is telling me that HE doesn't want me to focus on the negative, rather confess it, so HE can heal it, change it, transform it, and renew it. HE is telling me that HE wants me to focus on my strengths that I have been given through HIM, because of HIS amazing love for me. HE is wanting me to focus on ALL the good HE is doing, and even when challenges arise, I will be able to remain peaceful, as I know HE is with me, and when I NEED HIM HE will help me.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
I am truly grateful to know this today, as tomorrow, D and I will be packing up all of our precious son Seth's room. I will be sorting through his clothes, into two piles, keep.... and keep. One keep is for the memory blankets we will be making, and the other for the Hope Chest that D and our son are going to be building in our new home. Their first Father, Son rebuilding project to do together. I will be sorting through his toys into two piles of keep... and keep. The first keep is his favorite toys to go into the chest, and the other keep is to be boxed lovingly and kept in the basement of our new home to hold to cherish.... for however long it takes..... even if it takes forever. The things I am struggling with the most though are Seth's red car that he played in daily, and his little four wheeler that he used as a sophisticated ladder whenever he couldn't reach something. Those two things sting the worst, as I haven't seen them in our living room in months, and haven't heard the sound, or seen the lights and the squeals of delight coming from the precious one year old who is the proud owner of these two things.
Unthinkable loss...... consumes me, my every thought, never to leave me, never will I be able to escape from this harsh reality. However, through my FAITH in HIM, I know that HE will continue to pour HIS strength into me, drench me in HIS grace, and flood me with HIS peace all so that I am able to continue on this FAITH Journey with HIM.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that through my transparency and honesty of my struggles, that you will come to know and SEE that HE is the same for you as HE is for me. I pray today that you will have the courage to confess and be honest with how you really feel about your own life's circumstances. I pray today that you too will be consumed by HIS amazing love, and that you will know that even when it seems impossible, all things are possible with HIM..... even surviving unthinkable loss.
Always in love and prayers, with much grace, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,