Wednesday, April 8, 2015
I called, HE answered.... and it was NO......
This Monday it will be six months since I cried, begged, and pleaded for my son's precious little life to be saved. Somewhere close to 6pm the interrogation was coming to an end, and D and I were told that we could leave to get to our precious son Seth's side. Before we left, I raced around our home, and found each of of my precious four children, shaking, crying, with horrific uncertainty written all over each of their precious faces.
I remember hugging each of them close, and kissing them, and telling them I loved them. They didn't say anything, they didn't have too...... their tears spoke for them. Tears that told the story of sheer horror of the events that started only two hours before. Tears that were shed when each of their precious hearts broke seeing their little brother whisked away by paramedics. Tears where their hearts fell as they watched their Mama collapse from pure shock in the driveway, in the rain, face down....... crying in agony.
I will never forget climbing into my truck and looking at our home one last time, thinking that everything had changed, and deep inside knowing that NOTHING would ever be the same. D climbed in next to me, and slowly backed out of the driveway, careful not to hit any of the many police cars parked in front of our home. Driving away, looking at the shocked look on each of my neighbors faces, as a small crowd was gathering, wondering what was going on.
Traffic was heavy that day, as we raced through stop lights to get to our precious little Seth. D grabbed my hand, and screamed, "PRAY!!!!!!" Clenching our fists tightly within each other, I began to PRAY in a way I have never prayed before. "LORD I ask you right now LORD to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE save our son. LORD use us as YOUR living testament to WHO YOU are, showing all the haters and NON believers that YOU are amazing! LORD breathe life into his little body LORD, PLEAAAAAAASSSSEEEEE I beg of YOU LORD PLEAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEE!!!! LORD YOU are the GOD of ALL MIRACLES, this is it, this is YOUR chance to use me, use my life to PROVE that!!!!!"
With each stop light, I remember looking at the other drivers, and wondering if they could see the look of sheer panic and horror that was written all over our faces. Finally we reached the hospitals parking garage, and climbed out of the truck. My knees buckled, and I began to fall. D was right by my side to save me from falling. He held his arm tightly around me, as we made our way through the emergency room entrance.
We were met by a police officer, and hospital worker that escorted us to a room. As soon as the door opened I saw the couch, and two chairs, and I knew..... but yet I still held out HOPE that the GOD of ALL miracles was going to answer my cry for HELP, and HE would show everyone, and we would celebrate because HE would answer YES. I clung to that HOPE as the door opened and the room began to fill with doctors, and chaplains......
D and I sat beside each other, hands clenched together, praying still for the miracle of YES..... The doctor spoke, I don't really remember what he said first, but at some point I looked into his eyes, and tears were welling, as he spoke the most horrific words I have ever heard. "I'm so sorry we did everything we could possibly do, we are so sorry we couldn't save your son." Stunned....... shocked....... I cried out, NO this can't be, I PRAYED HE IS THE GOD OF ALL MIRACLES!!! After all I called....... HE answered..... and it was heartbreakingly earth shattering...... NO.
For the past almost six months now, I've had my FAITH completely tested in every way possible, and I've cried the most I've ever cried in my life. I've begged and pleaded for HIM to change HIS mind, and to bring back my sweet little baby love. I have been through months of shock despair, anger, frustration, HATING HIS plan...... NEVER in my life had I HATED anything more than HIS plan, this plan where our lives we continue without our precious little Seth. NEVER had I been more angry at HIM, that when I cried out to HIM, when I called.... HE answered.... and it was NO.....
February........ was my breaking point..... the point where I had to ask the question, and wait for HIS answer...... the question of I called..... HE answered...... and it was NO..... is HE still good? I reached my breaking point somewhere around the middle of February in a conversation with my sixteen year old daughter. I remember sitting on the couch, drenched in tears, feeling as if though I would break in half. The fog had been lifted, but the sorrow was deep,and the anguish was felt, I was in agony...... I remember looking at her and saying, not even in death...... can I escape this pain...... not even in death, as if I were to give up, Satan would win, and I'll be damned if he wins anything in my life EVER again. I knew I was in a deep pit of despair and depression, and could feel myself physically trying to claw my way out of the pit. Once again I called, HE answered...... and it was YES.
Before I knew it, HE had me surrounded with so much love and support, speaking HIS truth to me, speaking life into me. Encouraging me, helping me, loving me, reminding me of ALL that I have been through, and how TRUSTWORTHY HE is. All the while I was so incredibly heartbroken..... still reeling from HIS answer of NO.
March began, and I was determined to NOT be a victim, but a FIGHTER, and NOT only that but a CONQUEROR. I knew HE was with me, I knew that HE was helping me, yet I still couldn't get past HIS answer of NO. On Tuesday March 3rd I sat with my pastor and told him about the fear I had and how I couldn't possibly understand how HIS answer could be NO. The fear of losing again was plaguing my mind, and that is when my pastor said to me "the bible says Perfect Love casts out fear, but if we're not careful fear can cast out Perfect Love if we allow that fear to become our reality." On Saturday March 7th, I had a HUGE heart to heart with D, and HE spoke some really hard TRUTH to me. However, his words were led by HIS HOLY SPIRIT, and spoke straight to my heart. HIS words resonated deep within me and prepared me for the next morning where I would wake up feeling lighter.
On the morning of March 8th I remember waking up feeling different...... not better, but definitely different. Making my way down into my office, pulling out my journal and writing about it, I pulled open my Power Thoughts devotional..... reading "Perfect Love Casts out Fear" I smiled closed it shut, and HE spoke straight to my heart......
On the afternoon of October 13, 2014 I heard your cries for help..... I heard them all, and I was there, I was holding you, as I knew how badly your heart was going to shatter when you would receive MY answer and it was NO. Please know how much it broke MY heart, and still hurts me now to know how much you hurt. Please know I am still with you, always, holding you, helping you, and will continue to shower you with MY love. Thank You for trusting MY plan, even when you didn't agree with it. I promise HOLD ON, HOLD FAST, just wait, wait to SEE ALL that I am doing.
Since that day HE has been teaching me daily how it is that I can TRUST HIS plan, even when I don't understand it. I BELIEVE with all my heart and soul that this is HIS story that HE wanted me to share, which is my story, of how even when I cried out desperately for HIM, HE answered...... and it was NO. This is my story of even though HIS answer was NO HE is still so incredibly good. Even on the days where I was drenched in tears, and couldn't even hold my head up, HE was breathing life into me. HE was pouring HIS strength into me to be able to take each of those breaths. HE was there through it all, helping me when each of my children fell apart in their own little worlds that had been shattered. HE gave me HIS words of wisdom to help each of them, to speak against the many lies that the enemy was trying to feed them with. HE prepared me to STAND FIRM in the midst of the storm, to lean in to press deep into my FAITH, to HOLD TIGHT, HOLD FAST as I knew..... I TRUSTED....... that HIS help was on the way.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
HE began to reveal HIS plans to our family late in March, and as I type this morning I am overwhelmed by HIS goodness. There are so many blessings that we are excited to share with everyone, but are waiting for HIS timing to reveal. I sit here in my office this early morning while my family is sleeping upstairs, and its just my ABBA and me, talking, while I rest safely in HIS arms, as HE leads me to share my story, all the while pouring HIS endless peace, and strength into me to share my testimony of FAITH, that is the ANCHOR, HIS way of ANCHORING me to HIM, so that I wouldn't wash out into the sea of despair.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19
I write today letting you know that I'm no longer in the ocean, drowning.... today I am on the shore on the other side of tragedy, being able to share HIS goodness, HIS FAITHFULNESS that HE is SOVEREIGN, that HE is TRUSTWORTHY, and that HE is good, even when I called, HE answered...... and it was NO......
"Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,The is trustworthy in all he promises
I never once allow myself to say that I am better, as that word doesn't exist in my life anymore. It's not as if though I'm just miraculously cured of the pain of losing my son. I will NEVER be over losing my son, I will ALWAYS hurt from the physical pain of my precious son not being here. I will ALWAYS miss my sweet little Seth.
However what I am is different. I say this because HE has taken me through the FIRE, to refine, renew, refresh, restore, and transform my FAITH in HIM and for HIM. HE has lovingly come along side of me when all I could do was scream at HIM how much I hated HIM for what HE did to me, to my husband, and to our precious four children. HE stayed FAITHFULLY by my side, holding me letting me know HE is SOVEREIGN and if I would just promise to HOLD ON just a little longer I would SEE just how much HE loves me, and HE would begin to teach about yet another level of my FAITH, and that is, I called, HE answered....... and it was YES, exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond EVERYTHING I could possibly pray, think of, or ask for!!!! HE answered my prayers, with a resounding YES!!!
"This third I will put into the fire;They will call on my nameI will say, ‘They are my people,’
So do not fear, for I am with you;
Once again I am blown away by HIS goodness that HE hears every single one of my prayers, and when I PRAY FAITHFULLY..... CIRCLES around my greatest heart desires, and wants, HE hears...... and HE is delighted to answer YES..... but NOT in the way I am thinking, rather FAR GREATER than I could ever dream of. My heart feels as if though it may burst from HIS amazing LOVE for me, and my family. I smile because of a conversation I had with D and our oldest the other night. A conversation that would be the starting point of today's blog.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
Her words were simple....... Mama we all know what happens when you pray..... HE answers.... and I know that what you are praying for now..... well HE's going to answer and I can't wait to SEE how awesome HIS answer is going to be.
This tells me, that I Heather, a sinner, once a part of the last, the least, and the lost, have been found!!! I have been restored, renewed, and refined to tell my story, HIS story of REDEMPTION, FAITHFULNESS to BE HIS living testament that even when HIS answer is NO, HE is still good. My journey of BEING HIS living vessel to TRUST HIS plan, to live out HIS PURPOSE for my life, to NOT SHRINK BACK but rather press in, press through each and every single test, trial, and storm that comes my way....... knowing that I have NOTHING to fear, as HE is with me, HE's got my back, HE's got this, HE is SOVEREIGN!!!
"But my righteous one will live by faith.But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved." Hebrews 10:38-39
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that you will know that NONE of this journey with HIM will be easy, but I promise you that it will be worth it. I pray today that my sharing this portion of my journey with you, you will be able to SEE HIM working in your own life. I pray that if you are in the middle of a horrific storm right now, that you will know that you are NEVER alone, HE is there. HE cares deeply for you, and LOVES you far more than you could possibly imagine. I pray that if you haven't already, that you will have the courage to let go, repent, and seek HIS forgiveness, and open your heart to HIM as your LORD and SAVIOR. I pray today is the start of your transformation where the old has gone, and the new has come. I pray today that you will choose to follow HIM, and you too will be a new creation in CHRIST JESUS.
Always with love and prayer, with much grace, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,