"secrets"

During the years of my abuse it was stressed upon me daily that what was happening had to be our "secret."  I was told repeatedly that if I told people, they would not believe me, and that he would get into trouble.  After all I didn't want him to be in trouble, because who would love me then?  Certainly not my dad, or my mom.  They weren't even in my life, but only when I had "earned" the right to see them.  I went through all of grade school knowing that I couldn't trust anyone with my secret.  I learned to bury it so deep within, that nothing could reveal it.  I remember when I was in seventh grade and I had picked a huge fight  with my granny so I could live with my dad.  I remember DCFS coming to the school, and eventually being transferred to YSB and having to be in a sexual abuse teen survivors group.  My counselor and everyone thought that my behavior was from being abused by my birth-mother, and her "friends."  They thought I was acting out from that.  Little did they know I was harboring the biggest secret of my life.  A secret that almost robbed me of my future, and nearly destroyed every relationship I ever had.  I was trapped, trapped in a "living nightmare."  All I knew was this was my life, and there was NO way out of it.

I went on to keeping that secret until I turned twenty six.  It was then that GOD knew I was strong enough to endure the battle I was about to face.  Just as I was told repeatedly throughout the years of abuse, people (my family) didn't believe me.  Not until someone else came forward on my behalf and confirmed that what I was saying was true.  I am so thankful for that person today as without them I wouldn't have been able to receive the freedom I did in revealing my secret, and allowing GOD to use it for HIS glory.

I know that GOD doesn't want me to ever try and "hide" anything from HIM.  HE wants me to face whatever I am dealing with, or has been done to me by placing my trust in HIM.  Trust has been a huge issue for me, because whenever I was growing up, everyone I thought I could trust always let me down.  They placed judgement and criticism on me.  I was commonly known as "Satan's Spawn" in my family.  I was the "black sheep, trouble maker, liar, etc."  I was labeled, abused, forgotten, and burdened by the people who were supposed to love and protect me.

It has been through HIS love, grace, & guidance that I have come to know that I don't have to be ashamed of my "secrets."  That through HIM I can be the woman HE has called me to be.  Through HIM I have learned the importance of grace, and humility, and forgiveness.  I have learned to love people through their faults, and not judge them.  I have learned that through my testimony HE will set free other people who are burdened with their "secrets."  GOD has shown me that by letting go, and letting HIM, HE has freed me from the bondage of worry and fear.  The years of being told I would be in trouble, were washed away by HIS touch.  That one touch that saved my life.  I know that had I not opened the door to Jesus and received HIS touch that I wouldn't be here today. I know that my "secrets," had caused so much internal strife, and that I was emotionally, mentally, and physically ill.  I had allowed my vision to become distorted, and began to obsess over how my life would end.  I knew that I wanted it to end on my terms.  I knew that because of the years that I was controlled by lies, and manipulations, and keeping other people's "secrets," that I was being destroyed.  I knew that I couldn't imagine living one more single second.

When I finally opened the door to HIM and was saved, I was finally free, and began my journey towards wholeness.  GOD revealed this thought to me just the other day.  When I was in therapy I had a wonderful Christian woman who was I believe one of GOD's angel sent to "help" me.  Until the other day I had forgotten that the name of the counseling place was called, "Journey Towards Wholeness."  How awesome it is to me that GOD used this book to remind me of the greatest part of my journey with HIM.

Through the past ten years I have learned that I must never try to "hide" anything from HIM, and that I must reveal all of my "secrets" to HIM, so that HE can relieve me from my burdens.

" Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

"Having an intimate relationship with GOD means that you can and should talk to HIM openly, and honestly about anything and everything." 

I know that the more I talk to GOD and let HIM lead me, the better off I am.  I know that without HIM I am nothing, and I can't get through anything.  I know that HE is my strength, and that HE knows the plans HE has for my life.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I know that GOD wants me to stop "hiding" from HIM and reveal my secrets to HIM as HE has proven to me time and again that I can trust HIM.  Just as I can trust GOD, HE is asking me to be the same for others. GOD wants me to have a heart for people.  HE wants me to be able to keep other's confidences and lift them in love and encouragement, and not pressure them with criticism and judgement.

"The purpose for bringing things out into the open is for restoration, not for criticism and judging."

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:1-2

I know that I must always remember that just as I reveal my "secrets" to GOD, HE loves me, therefore when someone shares their "secrets" with me I must love them and treat them the way I would want to be treated. 

Today I will continue on my journey towards wholeness and full emotional stability. 

I pray today that if you are burden by "secrets" from your past that you will look to HIM and reveal them to HIM.  He already knows and wants to relieve you from your burdens. I pray that today is the day you choose freedom from bondage of your "secrets." I pray today that you will seek HIM so that you will be able to live GOD's best for your life.

Blessings,
Heather

"plastic"

I learned at a very young age the art of being "plastic."  I hid my "secret" of what was happening to me for half of my life.  I was very good at keeping "things" hidden through my plastic smile.  It was the same smile that I put on every Sunday when I walked into church.  It was always, dress in your "Sunday Best" and you must never reveal how things really are.  I was a "plastic" just like the rest of my family.  I hid things from other people for many years, and when the truth was finally revealed they were shocked.

"We can put on a "plastic" smile and tell the world we are fine while inside we are falling apart."

How many times I have been asked, "how are you doing Heather?," and my automatic reply is "fine."  If I were being honest most of the time my fine has really meant, "I am freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and erratic.  I am frazzled, confused, frustrated you name it.  I am hiding behind my "plastic" smile, when inside I am suffering.

I know that I fall right into Satan's trap that I should appear as though things are fine, therefore I should "hide" my true feelings from everyone.  I put on my "plastic" smile and my "fake it till I make it" attitude, when really GOD is wanting me to admit my loss of faith because I am so full of doubt.  GOD's truth reveal's to me that though I may fool others and maybe even myself, I am NOT fooling HIM.  I know that when HE lets me know that I am not fooling HIM I must confess every thought that is NOT GOD honoring.

"We pretend to be happy while we are all miserable, and we pretend to be in control and have it all together, but at home behind closed doors we are different people."

I can't tell you how many times I have heard from other moms, "Oh Heather you are just so amazing, you home school, and you have five children, and you are so sweet, and honest, and blah blah blah."  When inside I am screaming, "NO wait, STOP!!! I am NOT amazing, I am a HOT MESS!!!"  Yet, there I am smiling that "plastic" smile and nodding my head, and thanking them, and then later falling into a puddle of tears because I am anything but what they are telling me.

GOD wants to free me the bondage that keeps me in that negative thinking.  The truth is, I am a good mom, I love my children, and would do most anything for them. I love being a mom, (most days) and I have my "freak out" moments, but they never last for very long.  I am emotional, and I cry when my children go out of their way to  help someone else.  I am their biggest fan, and I love them to pieces.  I love when it's their bedtime, as I am usually "wiped out" from taking care of them all day.  Some days I am jealous of D as he gets to leave our home, and gets to have adult conversations.  I may or may not "lose" it when I go to bed and find candy, and crumbs, and marshmallows stuck to my pillow.  I am sometimes bitter when other's receive the success that I have been praying for our family.  I am not perfect, and I pray that I don't portray myself to be.  For the past fifty-six days I have woke up every morning praising GOD for my life, and asking HIM to lead me, and teach me how to live my life that day.  HE is renewing me, and transforming my heart, body, and mind everyday.

I know that Satan tries his best to keep my mind focused on "problems" in my life.  I know that when I am busy "dealing" with issues I lose sight of GOD, and I begin to make a mess of my life.  GOD doesn't want to be the passenger of my life,  HE wants to be the driver.  I must be willing to hand over the keys, by confessing my true thoughts and feelings so that HE can renew my mindset.

Dr. Phil is famous for saying, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."  GOD wants me to know that I am not fooling HIM, and that I can't hide from HIM.  HE already knows my thoughts, HE just wants me to be honest, and confess those thoughts to HIM.

I must remember though my "plastic" life may be acceptable to the flesh, the Spirit will drag me out onto the carpet and NOT allow me to "hide" forever.

"We may even bury ourselves in church work or spiritual activity as a way of hiding from GOD."

I know that GOD is trying to show me the truth of my life, therefore I must  lose the mindset of working for HIM so I don't have to listen to HIM.  I know that my children are watching me as I am "going through the motions," and not really seeking GOD and heeding HIS word.  I know that in telling them the importance of walking with GOD daily and they see that I am not modeling that, then the first chance they get, they will throw me under the bus.  They will call me out, and I won't be able to say that awful phrase, "do as I say, not as I do."  That saying is unacceptable when it comes to walking with GOD, it's not a "fake it till I make it" thing.  I know that I while I may to appear to be "doing,"  GOD will only allow that for so long, before HE will ask me to remove the "plastic" from my life.

I know that through my faith in HIM, HE will free me from my ungodly, and negative feelings, by revealing HIS truth for my life.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

"The bible says we live by faith and not by sight."  "For we live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

GOD's truth is this:  HE will set me free, I must be honest with HIM and myself always.  I must lose my "plastic" self and put on my true self  even when it isn't what I want others to see.  After all I am living for GOD and not others.

"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body." Ephesians 4:25

I know that GOD wants me to have intentional relationships with others.  I know that in order to be GOD honoring in those relationships I must not be "plastic."

Today's decision and confession is this:  I will be authentic and truthful in my walk with GOD and my fellow human beings.

I pray today that if you are "hiding" your true feelings, that you will seek the truth in HIM.  I pray today that you are able to confess to HIM so that HE can transform and renew your mind.  I pray that you will find the freedom that you need to live in HIM today.

Blessings,
Heather

so emotional

If you were to ask anyone from my childhood they would tell you that I was a very emotionally charged child.  I was always on edge about everything, I was always waiting for the "next thing."  I never knew whether or not I would receive love from one day to the next.  I did however know that I could count on that people would be mad at me.  I think it was then that I decided that in being emotional I received attention, and after all bad attention was better than no attention.  I often made decisions based upon how I felt, rather than doing what was right.  I lied, stole, and fought with a rage that was embedded so deep inside my soul, that it made it almost impossible for anyone to love me.  I was so emotional, because all I ever wanted was to feel cherished, loved, and wanted.

When I met D we were sixteen and seventeen.  I was going through a major storm at home, and was getting ready to go meet my birth-mother for the first time in twelve years.  Things had gotten so bad at home with my parents.  After years of abuse, lies, and manipulation that were thrust upon me, I picked a fight so big with my Dad and begged him to send me away for the summer.  I wasn't happy living at home, and all I could think of there has to be something better.  Little did I know I was walking right into Satan's trap.

Three months later I met "her."  She like me, was so emotional.  She cried over everything, and blamed EVERYONE for her problems.  When I confronted her about my past, she denied EVERYTHING.  I was crushed, broken, and alone.  I did however have D.  During our time apart he asked me to be his girlfriend, and asked me to move in with him.  We made plans for the next two months of how I would get back "home," and where we would live.  D and I wrote letters daily, and made phone calls to each other every night.  I would cry to him about my life, and he would try his best to help me.  We made plan after plan of how to get me "past" my past.  He was my rock and though we didn't know it yet, GOD began our "love story."

While I wish I could say that I outgrew being "so emotional," sadly that is not the case.  I have however, learned not to let my emotions control me.  I have learned that my future has NO room for my past.  That I must not dwell on my problems, but rather seek solutions, and then put them into action.  I know when I gave my life to CHRIST that HE began a good work in me, and boy have I been a "work in progress!"

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Throughout my walk with HIM I have had seasons where I was so stuck on all that had happened to me, I failed to see what HE was trying to do for me.  In being "so emotional," I missed out on so many blessings HE had for my life.  I know that I made the people around me weary, as I was always "so emotional."  I wanted justice, I craved it, I wanted someone to hear me, only what I failed to realize that the "someone" I needed was already hearing me, and was wanting me to shut up long enough to hear what HE was telling me.

When I began to speak the truth for my life, and what HE has done for me, my world began to radically change.  I know now that when I allow my emotions to be HOLY SPIRIT lead that I will not be "so emotional," therefore I can seek advice from godly people and I can make the necessary changes I need to, to move forward in my walk, and to allow HIM to strengthen my faith in HIM.

I know that when I allow GOD to control my personality I will become more balanced in my life.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being," Ephesians 3:16

I know that in order to receive balance in my life, I must "think" about what I am doing before I make commitments.  I know that instead of craving the need to be so emotional, and to have everyone and anyone listen to my problems, I must crave balance in my life.  I must not be emotionally lead.

I know that when I understand others, GOD will equip me to help them.  The same goes for me, when I understand myself, GOD will equip me to make the necessary changes I need to in my life to become CHRIST like.

"Many of the answers to the "why" questions in life are found in simply understanding more about yourself."

I know that when I am emotional I need to be careful not to tell the wrong person.  In doing so I will only become even more emotional.  I must remember that talking excessively about my problems can easily turn into complaining, and that is a sin.

"Ephesians 4:29 - Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

Thankfully I am blessed with GOD's grace daily, and HIS mercies are new every morning!  I know that when I do find myself being "so emotional," I can repent, and will receive HIS forgiveness and HE will teach me how to correct my thinking for the next time that I feel "so emotional."  I know that instead of complaining GOD is wanting me to keep a thankful and joyful heart.  Though it may not be easy, I know that it is through the storms of my life that HE is growing and strengthening my faith in HIM.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.   And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

I know that in order for my life to be bearable through the storms I must declare: "I will trust GOD, I will praise HIM, HE will & does help me."  GOD doesn't want me to just "stuff" my emotions down.  HE wants me to admit to them, and them let HIM teach me, and lead me to do what is best for me.  I know the more I try to hide my emotions the more likely I am to explode (rage.)  Therefore, I must  learn to express myself in a godly way.  I must learn to keep my emotions in check.  I know that when I allow myself to be a negative person and emotionally lead I am opening the doors to sin in my life.  I know what GOD has does for me thus far, so I know I don't have any room or time to play on Satan's play ground!  I will choose to seek godly counsel when I have a problem so that there is NO room for sin in my life.

I pray today that if you like me are "so emotional," you will turn to HIM and let HIM guide you to making rational decisions.  I pray that you will seek HIM in your daily walk, and allow HIM to make the necessary changes in your life.  I pray that you will be set free from the bondage of being "emotionally lead," and become GODLY lead.  I pray that today you will choose NOT to play on Satan's playground and to take your ball and go HOME, home to the one who loves you and knows you best!

Blessings,
Heather

the finish line

Looking back on the years of my life, and through all of my pain and suffering I know that GOD is now using all of my sufferings for HIS good.  Through me HE is allowing other's to witness the power of HIS touch, and how HE can, will, & does transform and renew every life who chooses HIM.  With just one touch, HE healed me and changed me.  That one touch allowed me to go on living, to want to keep on living.  With just one touch HE changed my whole world, and allowed to me to start to build a legacy for my family.  I know that through all the storms of my life HE was right there with me, and when I was ready to finally stop running, HE was waiting.

I know that there is absolutely NO room for my past in my future.  I know that GOD doesn't want me to hold onto the injustices that I received in my past.  I know that when I allow HIM to, HE will be there to walk me through my time of suffering, and help me to cultivate a forgiving heart.

"Millions of people miss today because either they refuse to let go of the past or they worry about the future."

I know that NO matter how much suffering I have endured that I WILL recover because GOD is my REDEEMER and RESTORER.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." Psalm 23:1-3

I know that when I finally stop running from the injustices I have endured and let go....let GOD, HE can, will, and does deliver me from my hurt, and tends to my wounds and bruises.  I know that when I allow HIM, HE will teach me how to cultivate a forgiving heart.  HE will help me face my hurts and receive HIS healing through HIS touch.  I know that in choosing to spend time in HIS word, and HIS presence everyday in my life, and allowing HIM to teach me, HE can, will, & does restore my soul.  HE has shown me that when I let go, and let HIM not only does HE restore my soul, but HE restores my physical health as well.

"Many sickness and diseases today are the result of internal stress.  No matter how many doctors we see or how much medicine we take, we may be only dealing with symptoms rather than getting to the root of the problem."

My life is down right hard sometimes, but I now that even though life may not be fair, GOD is always fair. HE has shown me for the past ten years that I can't run anymore, it's time, time to face my past.  Time to face the truth of what happened to me, and to allow HIM to restore every area of my life where I am broken.  I can only mask my brokenness before it finally catches up to me, and threatens to take me down.  I know that when I am weary from my past, HE is my strength, and HE will give me the strength to face it, and put it behind me.

"Sadly the world is filled with injustices."   I know that when I live my life with an attitude of forgiveness I give more Glory and Honor to HIM, than if I just live a good life, but am never content.  I know that GOD doesn't like to see me suffer, however it is pleasing and glorifies HIM when I choose to keep a good attitude during my time of suffering.  Therefore, I must keep a good attitude during my time of suffering as it is the only thing that will make my suffering bearable.

Throughout the past ten years of my walk with HIM I have learned this: though I may not understand the "why" as to why things happened the way they did to me, I can however know HIM.  I know HIM through HIS love, forgiveness, and mercy.  I know that HE doesn't want me to dwell on the injustices I've suffered, rather HE wants me to be thankful for the good things I do have.  

"Knowledge with action is useless."

I know that the pain that I endured through my time of suffering is now being used for HIS glory.  HE is reaching so many brokenhearted people through my testimony.  I know that I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not suffered the way that I did.  Through my suffering He has taught me the importance of love, grace, humility, kindness, tenderness, compassion, and most of all forgiveness.  I know that had I not allowed HIM to teach me the importance of forgiveness I wouldn't be able to live my life for HIM today. 

In choosing to allow HIM to guide me, teach me, and lead me every moment of my life I know that HE knows me best, and I know HIM.  I know that when I finally reach the finish line to the end of my earthly life, I know that HE will look to me and say, "well done good and faithful servant."

His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' Matthew 25:23

Those are the words I cannot wait to hear when I finally reach the finish line.  I know that even though I had a rough start to the beginning of my life, HE will bless me with an amazing finish.

I pray today that if you are suffering HE knows you and loves you.  HE wants to help you and restore you from your hurts.  I pray that today you will open your heart to something that you have been running from.  Today I pray is the day that you will lie down, and receive HIS rest and that you will decided to face your past.  I pray that you know that even though things may be rough right now, you can still have a great ending to your life.  I pray that when you reach the finish line you will be spending eternity with the one who loves you and knows you best!

Blessings,
Heather

face the truth

When I think about my childhood I am painfully reminded about how much happiness there wasn't in my life. I was raised by two selfish people who hurt me, and I very rarely saw my parents.  I only saw my parents when I had earned the right to see them. I grew up knowing and thinking that the only way I would be worthy of anyone's love and affection is if I earned it.  Then I met D.... throughout the past 18 years of our lives together he has been my one constant.  The one that I know I can run to at the end of the day.  The one who picks me up when I have fallen flat on my face from another broken relationship.  He has been the one to encourage me to never give up on my dreams.  To say what I need to say, and mean it.  He has been my rock, and without him, I wouldn't have been ready for HIS daily teaching today entitled "face the truth."  

The truth is, I was never loved unconditionally growing up.  However I do know that GOD loves me unconditionally no matter what I say or do.  HE knows my heart and knows I am go to mess up even before I do mess up.  HE picks me up and leads me to "try again."  I am so thankful that HIS mercies are new every morning.  

The book I am currently reading is called "Living Beyond Your Feelings."  In today's bible study, Joyce Meyer writes."My parents did not really love me, and they never will simply because they don't know how to.  But GOD does love me and I do not have to spend my life mourning over something I can't do anything about.  I will not waste my life trying to get something from my parents that they will never know how to give me.  I was a victim, but I will not remain one.  What happened to me was not my fault.  I will be healthy emotionally and whole in my soul.  GOD is helping me, and every day I am making progress."  

Oh how I could have written that paragraph myself.  Today I realized that I still carry around bitter angry feelings of not feeling cherished, loved unconditionally, and wanted by my parents growing up.  The truth was, I was a mess.  A broken mess from an alcoholic birth mother, who tried on several occasions to kill me.  Who was involved with people whom she allowed to hurt me.  Who emotionally, physically, and mentally abused me, and allowed other's to do so as well.  I had an absentee Father who was an alcoholic, workaholic, and was never available to me.  Not without conditions that is.  I was four when my parents divorced and because I was already "broken" from my birth mother, I was a handful.  My great-grandmother was trying to care for both my brother and myself, and we were just too much to bear.  I was sent to live with my grandparents, and so began the next chapter of hell for my life.  From the time that I was 4 until the Summer I turned 15 I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather, and emotionally abused by my grandmother.  The truth was, I was a mess a broken awful mess.  From years of abuse suffered by the people who were supposed to care for me.  Broken from the conditions that were placed upon me for being worthy of their time and affection.  I was a complete utter broken mess. 

The truth is now that I am still a mess in some areas of my life, but GOD is refining me and renewing me daily.  I know that when I seek HIM, HE will, and does reveal HIS truth for my life.  HE lets me see who I really am, and just how much HE loves me unconditionally.  I know that even in my darkest days, HE loves me always.  I NEVER have to fear HIM leaving me, or putting conditions of being worthy to HIM.  I know that when I was suffering through my years of hell, HE was right there with me, suffering inside as well.  

If I were being honest about facing the truth about myself I would say this, "I avoid confrontation at all costs!"  Growing up and trying to get people to "hear" my side of things always backfired, and I was blamed, therefore as an adult I simply push it deep down inside, and try and move on.  What I am learning is this, GOD wants me to have total emotional freedom, and I won't be able to achieve that until I am able to "face the truth" of my past and all the emotions I have kept hidden. 

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

 I  know that the more I try to avoid confrontation the more I will lose my sleep.   I know that I can not get a moments peace until I have closure. However the pain of my past that involves my parents isn't something that I quite understand how to get through.  Each time I "think" I have forgiven them, I fall and fall hard.  I feel like my heart is being ripped open again, and it's not fair to me or to them.  I am praying for GOD to give me peace in my heart, and know that HE my heavenly Father loves me and knows me best.  HE will NEVER forsake me.  

I know that in order to achieve total emotional healing I, Heather must take responsibility for the changes that need to take place in me.  I know that I won't be able to heal until I am able to quit blaming my "feelings"  on other people.  I know that blaming other people only creates more internal strife for me, therefore I must be willing to "face the truth," even when it's sometimes too difficult to bear.  

GOD has let me know this morning that HE wants to heal me from this hurt, and pain, and all I have to do is ask HIM to help me and HE will.  The truth is "facing the truth" hurts, but without it I won't have freedom in CHRIST and I won't be whole.  I know that seeking GOD's word, and HIS truth, will give me the emotional stability I need and free me from the pain of my past.

I know that my past cannot control my future unless I allow it.  So the truth is today I am the KINGS daughter, and I am being refined and renewed daily.  I am walking with my SAVIOR every moment, and I am allowing HIM to teach me, build me, guide me, and lead me every step of my journey.  I  will no longer let guilt, fear, or worry be my companions.  Rather I will have JESUS be my companion and let HIM heal me from my hurts and bring me further into my journey towards wholeness.

"The bible says the promises of GOD are realized through faith and patience."

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36

Friends, today I pray that if you too are suffering from unbearable pains of your past just know that GOD loves you, and wants to heal you from that pain.  I pray that today you will allow HIM to lead you to facing your truth.  I pray for you to have the courage and confidence to face your past, and place your trust in HIM.  

Blessings,
Heather

just like me

I have been blessed to be a Mama to five children.  I was twenty when my first was born, twenty-two for my second, twenty-six for my third, thirty for my fourth, and thirty-four for my fifth.  Each time I was pregnant with them I thought about who they would be more like, me or their dad?  Each time, I hoped that they would be like their Dad, as D was the calm and level headed one.  I on the other hand was too emotionally charged, even though I didn't even know it.  I have always over indulged in everything, and never knew self-control or discipline when it came to telling myself no.  When I look at our five children most of them are "just like me."  They are the ones who I struggle so much with in teaching them self-control.  Ironic isn't it?!? Me, struggling, with them.  I can only imgaine how much GOD has gone through with me.  Today I am admitting to these out of control, I do what I want when I want, I don't have to listen to you, I am my own BOSS out of control blessings are "just like me." 

This very thought pains me, as I am just now at age thirty-five and just now realizing how much I over indulge in things.  Whether it be food, spending money, watching tv, or talking. I do what I want when I want.  However this past year my health has rapidly declined and I am learning I must put my health above my "wants."  My overall health, thoughts, feelings etc. were causing too much interal strife that I began to suffer from ulcer attacks.  It wasn't until week six of suffering that GOD revealed to me (when I was ready to listen) that I needed to let HIM renew my mindset.  When I allowed HIM to do this for me, that is when I started to feel relief, and no longer suffered from ulcer attacks.  In being an impulsive spender, I strayed from our budget, even though it was only $5.  These days $5 could mean overdrawing our account, and I do NOT want to live with the regret of that!  I must choose to follow the budget, and trust that GOD will meet all of my needs abundantly.  In watching too much t.v. I was causing a lot of pain in my neck from sitting, and so in all of my "brilliance" I decided it would be ok to watch t.v. as long as I was "doing" something "productive."  I know that I must choose to refrain from over indulging in t.v. watching, as when I am watching t.v. my children are watching me.  GOD revealed to me that their "bad" habits are the same as mine.  So I have model quite well I might add, what NOT to do! With my "bad" habit of talking too much, this blog was born.  It is a way for me to speak that is pleasing and honoring to HIM.  It is all for HIS glory!

I know that when I received CHRIST as my SAVIOR I was born again.  Born again to be "just like HIM."

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"
2 Corinthians 5:17

GOD has blessed me with a spirit of discipline and self-control that I must choose to use.  Otherwise I won't be able to become "just like HIM."  GOD has always blessed me with the ability to align my thoughts to HIS, therefore I am able to make rational decisions based on HIS truth, and not my "feelings."

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7

I know that by choosing HIM the old me was washed away and my sins were washed away.  I was blessed with a new life, a life to be "just like HIM."  HIS Holy Spirit now resides in me, and is teaching my daily how to live my life.  HE is teaching me how to be "just like HIM."

In becoming "just like HIM,"  HE has given me the desire to love people and enjoy helping them.  I know that I must choose to follow HIM so that I am able to do what is good and pleasing to HIM.  I must see things through HIS eyes, and the world's eyes.  I must always choose to do what HE wants me to do, and NOT what the world says I should do.

"Spiritual growth is not so much about "doing" as it is about "becoming" – becoming more like Christ. It's a life-long adventure that takes patience, commitment, and intentional focus. It's not what we do along the way that is most important. What really matters is who we are becoming in the process. Ultimately, the Christian life is about building an intimate relationship with Jesus as the Holy Spirit changes us from the inside out, and loving others the way Jesus loves us." Saddleback Church : Pastor Rick Warren

I know that by choosing to let HIM lead me I will not be lead astray.  When I choose to discipline myself, and choose to have self-control, I can then teach those very qualities to my children.  Afterall if they are going to be "just like me, shouldn't I be just like HIM?"

"You may or may not feel like doing the right thing.  You can feel wrong and still do what is right."  This is exactly how I felt during my bible study this morning.  GOD asked me to share my struggles right here on this blog,  HE is taking me on another journey that includes humility, and grace.  HE is doing this to strengthen my faith in HIM.  This is all crucial for my journey towards wholeness. 

Todays Decision and Confession is:  "I will follow GOD's principles, not my emotions therefore, I am a winner in life."

I pray today that you will put all of your trust in HIM and NOT be lead by your emotions.  That if you feel like do what is wrong, turn to HIM and do what is right.  I pray today that if you are struggling that you will allow HIM to humble you and help you follow HIS ways for your life.  I pray this for your journey towards wholeness.

Blessings,
Heather

"not of this world"

Throughout my life friendships have seemed to come and go, and I never quite understood why.  Thankfully GOD knows why , and when what I feel is a friendship I want to invest my time and energy into is NOT good for me, then HE will shut it down.  It is because I know that HIS plans for my life are far greater than what I think my life could be.  I know that when I was baptized I was saying to HIM and the world, "JESUS CHRIST is my Lord and Savior, and I choose to follow HIM for the rest of my life."  I know that in order to truly follow JESUS and to allow HIM to teach me I must become, "not of this world."

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

In choosing to NOT to conform to the ways of the world, I am saying I choose to allow my thoughts and emotions to be CHRIST lead.  "It has been said that emotions are the Christian's number one enemy because they can easily prevent us from following the will of GOD."  Just last night I was swimming with my family and two of what my daughter described as "mean girls" entered the pool.   Almost immediately the glaring, and judging began between them and my daughter.  I soon became so wrapped up in how my daughter felt, that I too joined in the glaring and judging.  Just like that I had allowed myself to become emotionally lead, when in reality HE wants me to align my thoughts and emotions to HIS and see them through HIS eyes.  HE gave me several chances in fact to repent and apologize, however I was too "busy" "hating" on some girls I didn't even know.  It wasn't until this morning that HE showed me the bigger picture of the teachable moments I passed up with my daughter.  I was this morning that I receive HIS daily teaching of what "not of this world" means for me.  So here it comes again, a nice big slice of humble pie.

HE showed me this morning, that just as fiercely as I was wanting to protect my daughter, HE wants to protect me.  HE wants me to live my life according to HIS will so that HE will do good works through me.  HE wants me to stop focusing on what the world says I should do, and get my mind set on what HE wants me to do.  Even when it feels right it doesn't mean it is right.

^"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phillipians 1:6

HE has shown me this morning that within my body are thoughts, feelings, imaginations, and desires.  This is said to be called "The person of the Heart"

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

I, Heather must choose to spend less time worrying about my outter appearance and get my sole attention and focus on whose I am.  I must choose this, as when I die all that will remain is my spirit and soul.  This doesn't mean that I can't look nice, being well-dressed, makeup, and accessories.  However it does mean that when I allow myself to be lead by "vanity" then I am not able to keep myself from conforming to this world. 

I often pray for my young children as we live in a very harsh cruel world.  A world where if you aren't smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough.... the list goes on an on.   This judgement that is placed on the world is destroying our spirits.  When I didn't have a personal relationship with JESUS all I could think about what dying.  I craved it, longed for it, even begged for it.  The pain was too much for me in my flesh to bear.   There were moments where I didn't think I could possibly live another second.  I always seemed to become friends with people who did more harm then good to my spirit, and who eventually left me, broken and alone.  In taking me through the journey of my past GOD has shown me just how HE created me to be "not of this world."  I somehow always seemed to bounce back from heartbreak after heartbreak. I always seemed to be able to forgive those who hurt me, even when I didn't feel like it.  I always seemed to be attached to the broken hearted, and most of my friends heartbreak similiar to mine.  I had trust issues, and truly trusted no one but myself.  I was ready, ready for a fight at any given time.  I was ready for battle on a moment's notice. 

In choosing to be baptized I was born again.  I became CHRIST lead, and I allowed my thoughts and actions to be aligned to HIS will for my life.  In choosing to declare JESUS as my #1 I know that I am to be "not of this world."

I pray today that you will choose to be CHRIST lead, and allow HIM to renew your heart, soul, and mind. That you will no longer be lead by worldly desires, but that you will allow JESUS to teach you the way you are to live.  That you will live a life of peace and grace that can only come from HIM.  I pray that you too will become "not of this world."

Blessings,
Heather

seeking justice vs. trusting HIM

I remember it was Spring time, and I had just become a Mama to our 3rd baby girl.  I was now a Mama to a 6, 4, and 3 month old.  My days and evenings were spent playing My Little Pony, dress up, going to the park, and reading to my girls.  I was happy, or so I thought.  Little did I know a storm was brewing inside of me, perhaps the biggest life changing storm of my life.  I remember that day so well.  I had just finished the millionth load of laundry, and the girls had all their pony's out again.  Our sweet baby was sleeping in her swing, and I was contemplating what to make for dinner.  I remember turning on the t.v. and Oprah was on.  As I sat there folding the laundry and listening to what the show was about, I began to feel enraged, not at my children but at years of suppressed emotions and feelings that were bury so deep within.  I remember falling to the floor sobbing with a pain buried so deep from within. I thought I was dying.  I remember my then 6 year old talking to Daddy on the phone, "somethings wrong with mommy, please come home."  I don't remember how I got off the floor that day, but I do know that GOD was with me every step of the way.   GOD place some of the most amazingly strong believers in my path to help me on the journey I was about to embark on with HIM.  It was then I was blessed with an amazing Christ lead therapist who prayed over me, and spoke HIS word, and HIS truth into my life. 

Within the first month of the nine month long therapy I was determined I would seek justice!  That the person who hurt me would pay!  With my renewed mindset I began calling State's Attorney's from three different states, police departments etc.  All to be met with the same answers, "the statute of limitations had run out."  I remember being told over and over again, that the "monster" who hurt me had all the rights, and I had none.  I was consumed with seeking Justice, afterall I had suffered for years, and I wanted him to pay! 

However, in my rage GOD had a plan.  A plan that would bring me to where I am today.  HE told me that if I forgave the "monster" HE would take away all of my pain, nightmares, and internal strife that I had been carrying around all of these years.  I can tell you it was not easy forgiving someone like that.  I learned that forgiveness did NOT mean forgetting.  I did NOT mean that it was ok with what happened to me.  Instead I learned that in order for me to move forward in GOD's will for my life, I had to let go.  Instead of seeking justice, I had to trust HIM that HE knew what was best for me, and I had to do the right thing for me. 

When I gave all of my worry and hurt over to HIM, HE blessed me with nightmare free sleep, I no longer cried all day long over the injustice I was dealt.  I was free, free from all of the "living hell" I had endured.  Free to be the woman HE was molding me and teaching me to be everyday.  I was free from guilt, shame, and embarassment for keeping the secret for so long.  I was free, truly free.  By letting go of seeking justice, I chose to trust HIM, and HE renewed and transformed my heart in a way that has been life changing.

GOD has blessed me with another book and it is called "Living Beyond Your Feelings" by Joyce Meyer.  In it there is a decison and confession section.  Today's is entitled:  I choose to do what is right no matter how I feel.  I know that I am emotional person, but I also know that I must learn to control my emotions so that they do NOT control me.  I must learn to keep my negative feelings to myself, as they only increase the more I talk about them.  I also must NEVER talk just to be talking.  GOD wants me to be speaking HIS truth, and HIS word, and not wasting my breath on useless talk.

"But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken."  Matthew 12:36

"Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues." Proverbs 10:19

Since I know I am an emotional person, I know I must NEVER make a decision on whether or not I will enjoy my day based on how I feel.  I must choose to enjoy each day that the LORD has made, afterall I am not promised tomorrow.  When I choose to do what is right no matter how I "feel"  GOD will always be faithful to supply me with the strength to do so.  I know that if I want to live a good life, I must be obedient to HIS way and will for me to live my life.  I know that just because HE gives me the strength I, Heather need to make the decision to do what is right.  GOD wants what is best for me, so rather than letting my emotions decide for me, I must trust in HIM.

"Nobody can consistently enjoy life until they are willing to do just that"

This is so true in my life.  I know that by choosing to enjoy each day, I know that my past is in my past, and it can no longer control or harm me.  I know that there is freedom in today, from HIM who has blessed me with another day to live out HIS will for my life.   Gone are the feelings of being hurt, sad, heartbroken, let down.  I am filled and renewed with HIS joy, promise, grace, humility, compassion and love. 

I pray today that if you are feeling hurt, and are seeking justice for someone to pay for hurting you, that instead of seeking justice you will trust HIM.  That you will trust HIM that HIS plans for your life are far greater than you can imagine.  That the person, or person's who hurt you will have to answer for their crimes.  I also pray that knowing how you feel, that you will put on a new mindset of loving GOD and people, and treat people just as Jesus did.  I pray that today is the day that start's your journey to freedom.

Blessings,
Heather

"Sunday Story"

Today's blog is made up of several different parts of my testimony.  It is my belief that GOD wanted me to share some of the greatest moments of HIM rescuing me throughout my life. 

Growing up I attended church with my family every Sunday.  We would get dressed in our "Sunday best" and walk hand in hand into church.  We would smile, and on the outside everything appeared to be just fine.  I would go to Sunday School and would learn stories about Jesus, and how GOD made the whole world.  I sang songs like: He's got the whole world, Zacchaeus, I've got the joy, joy, joy.  The list goes on and on.  However, I never really knew what any of that meant.  To me God was just a "Sunday Story." 

Throughout my childhood, and the early part of my young adulthood I hadn't a clue who was GOD, and I certainly didn't go out of my way to find out.  For as long as I could remember church was the place I went to so that I appeared to be normal.  These days however, I go to church to worship HIM, thank HIM, and praise HIM for all He has done in my life.  The songs I sang on those Sunday mornings, now have GREAT meaning to my life!  I know that even when I don't feel like it, is when I definitely need to be there.  I know that HIS plans for my life are far greater for me than I could possibly imagine. 

In the past I have found myself in the midst of a storm, and realize I have completely forgotten about GOD.  I get so "busy" living my life, that I forget to include HIM.  I sometime's forget to talk to HIM, and then when I have a crisis I remember HIM.  GOD has shown me that HE wants to be 1st in my life, above all else.  HE doesn't want to just lead me through a crisis, rather HE wants to lead me through blessings and joy that HE pours over my life.  HE wants to be included.  Sadly, I didn't always know this, but I can tell you this, in the Spring of 2002 He heard my hearts cry, and little did I know "help" was on the way.

It has been 11 years since I first cried out for help, and HE has been with me every step of the way.  Even when I was "too busy" to acknowledge HIM.  Three years ago D and I suffered through our 2nd misscarriage.  I, Heather in all of my humanness said, "Its ok GOD I've got this, I am ok."  Little did I know I was far from ok.  In fact I was so far from it I let Satan completely take over my thoughts and actions.  I decided what was best for me, and I almost left my family because of it.  It pains me to know how much hurt and strife I caused in my wonderful husband and amazing kids.  I remember my daughters praying over me, and begging me to stay.  GOD once again, came when they cried out for help.  It was then that HE began a good work in me.  Sure I have fallen many times, but everytime, I have gotten back up with the strength that HE has supplied me with.  When I look back on my life I know that had I never cried out for help and gotten to know GOD personally I would have missed out on my greatest blessings.  I know that if I had given up, I wouldn't be Mama to Isabella, Isaac, or Seth.  That is a very sobering thought to me, as to "how could I have possibly given all that up?"  Thankfully GOD knew, and was in control, and HE answered my cry for help in HIS perfect timing.

On the morning of May 13, 2013 I was dealing with another ulcer attack, and was feeling so stressed with a horrible migraine.  I thought, "I can't do this another day."  That is when GOD rescued me once again.  A little over two months ago I started reading "Power Thoughts" by Joyce Meyer.  This book has been life changing for me as it has shown me that my thoughts control my overall health.  For the past two months I have learned the importance of seek GOD's will for my life daily, praying, and obeying HIS word.  I have learned that I can boldly declare that, through HIM I can do anything as HE will supply me with the strength, HE loves me uncondtionally,  I will NOT live in fear, I will NOT be easily offended, I love people and enjoy helping them, I trust GOD completely; there is NO need to worry, I am content and emotionally stable, HE will meet all of my needs abundantly, I will pursue peace with GOD, myself, and others, I will live in the present and enjoy each moment, I am disciplined and self-controlled, and most importantly I put GOD 1st in my life. GOD has shown me that with this 12 power thoughts I am now ready for battle.  That I can live my life according to HIS will, and not have to do it on my own. It has been two months since I started this journey with GOD asking HIM to create in me a renewed heart for discipline.  I have am on week 3 of no medication to treat my ulcer, and I have lost a total of 15 pounds.  It has been through my earnestly seeking HIM daily, and putting HIM 1st in my life that I have been set free from the internal strife that I had allowed to creep into my body.

I pray today that if you suffer from internal strife that you will seek HIM.  Even if you don't know if you want to seek HIM, ask HIM to give you the desire to do so.  Pray, talk to HIM daily ask HIM to show you want HE wants you to do.  HE knows your heart, so it can never be a "fake it till you make it" relationship.  Be honest with HIM, and allow HIM to transform and renew your heart.  I pray that once you seek HIM you will be disciplined  in putting HIM 1st in your life and spend time with HIM, in HIS word, through songs, or prayer.  Seek out HIS instructions for your life by surrounding yourself with people who know HIM, and find yourself a strong bible-based church to help you in your spiritual walk.  I pray that you won't let any excuses get in the way of  GOD's best for your life.  I pray that you will obey HIM and do what HE tells you to do, even when you don't feel like it.  Allow GOD into your heart and let HIM be more than just a "Sunday Story" in your life!

Blessings,
Heather

Jesus at the Center

Jesus at the center of it all, Jesus at the center of it all. From beginning to the end. It will always be, it's always been You Jesus, Jesus.

Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do. Jesus You're the center, and everything revolves around You. Jesus, You.

From my heart to the Heavens. Jesus be the center. It's all about You. Yes it's all about You"

This is my heart's cry daily as it is truly what I need for my life.  JESUS must be at the center of my life, I need HIM every hour, minute, and second of every day of my life. 

Power Thought #12 ~ I put GOD first in my life.

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me." Exodus 20:3

The most vital thing in my life is putting GOD first in everything....

GOD wants to be first in my thoughts, words, and all of my decisions.  HE is a jealous GOD and REFUSES to be second place in my life!  HE loves me, and wants me to have the very best life possible, so I must choose to put HIM first in everything!  I must  keep in constant prayer with HIM as HE is #1 in my life, and without HIM I have and am nothing!

"For of him, and through him, and to him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen." Romans 11:36

When my time on earth is through, and everyone's time on earth is through, GOD is all that will remain.  The earth and the things in it will all vanish, and GOD will remain.  I, Heather will have to stand before GOD and give an account of how I lived my life, and why I made the choices I did.  We will all have to stand before GOD and give an account.

"So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God." Romans 14:12

I must choose to be careful how I live my life, and learn to keep GOD first in everything in my life.  I can be taught to do this by choosing to get into HIS word daily.  I can choose to let HIM have control of my thoughts, actions, and decisions.  In everything I say or do I must be GOD honoring.

I know that everything GOD asks me to do is for my own good.  By allowing HIM to teach me, HE is showing me the path to righteousness, peace, and joy!  Jesus didn't just die for me so I could be religious.  HE died so that I could have a deep and intimate personal relationship with GOD through HIM. 

"Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

 

"On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you." John 14:20

I know that GOD wants me to live, through, and for HIM.  HE created me to be in fellowship with HIM.  HE knows my every thought, action, and decision before I do.  HE knows what is best for me, and HE desires a personal relationship with me so that HE can teach me and show me how to live my life.  I know that it is truly tragic if I only call on HIM for HIS help during an emergency.  GOD must NEVER be my spare tire! 

"Does a young woman forget her jewelry, a bride her wedding ornaments? Yet my people have forgotten me, days without number." Jeremiah 2:32

"Sadly most people waste a lot of their life, if not all of it, before they realize that having a right relationship with GOD is the most important thing in all of life."

While the world is struggling to find peace and joy, I, Heather know that it is only found in HIM.  HE is truly all I need.  I know that GOD delights in providing for me, and helping me, but he REFUSES to be treated as a spiritual Santa Claus.  HE abusolutely REFUSES to be somone I only go to when I need or want something.  HE, JESUS wants to be at the center of my life.

"What do you think about, talk about, and spend the most of your time doing?

Sadly before I began this bible study, I was focused on me, me, me, me, and well did I mention me?  It was all about how sad I was, or how lonely, or how unfairly I had been treated.  My life was full of emotions, of me feeling weary, and full of worry.  I was pretty much doom and gloom on the inside, and it was causing wayyyyy too much internal strife.  However, HE captured my heart up and began to fill me with HIS word, and blessed me with an amazing book called "Power Thoughts."  It has been through this book that HE has shown me just how much my thoughts control my over all health.  Before I started this book I was almost 20 lbs. heavier, had NO zest for life, and was merely "enduring" and "surviving" each day.  As I began to read the book HE slowly revealed to me just how HE felt about me.  Me, Heather, a complete and total Hot Mess..... HE through my brokeness began to speak through me to reach other broken people, and through HIS words this blog was born.  I will never forget the Summer of 2013 when GOD used me as a vessel to share HIS word, and allowed me freedom to really live my life.  I know that I can only acheive and maintain a relationship with HIM by going to HIM daily and saying, "Lord take me and all that I have, I trust you, I love you.  Please show me the way to live my life today, and be with me every moment.  I need you Lord, I need you to teach me."  By becoming teachable HE has removed the layers of stress and strife that I had been carrying around.  HE allowed me to stay focused on a exercise challenge and began a weight loss journey for me.  HE loves me so much HE sought me out, when I least expected it.  I go to bed everynight thankful for my relationship with HIM, and what HE has allowed for me to do that day.  HE has shown me that I can't have a deep meaning relationship if I only include HIM in my life on Sundays.  Rather, HE needs to be at the center of all of my life.  So today I will sing "Jesus at the center" and I will rejoice as I have chosen HIM to be.

I pray today that you will choose to make Jesus the Center of your life.  That you will allow HIM to transform and renew your heart daily.  That you will allow HIM to use you as a vessel to reach others who may not have a realtionship with HIM. 

Blessings,
Heather

oh no not that kid....

Yes, I am the Mama to the child that people cringe when they see come through the door.  My son  is 4 years old and has a mind of his own.  D and I try so hard to discipline him, but it seems as if though Satan is always one step ahead of us.  We find ourselves doing what is "easy" rather than disciplining him.  We tell our daughters to let him have what he wants instead of "dealing" with his tantrums.  I am that Mama.  When my son turned 1 he inherited the title of "Curious, Fearless, Little Warrior."  That title couldn't be more true.  He is truly curious, fearless, and behaves as a warrior.   When I had him I was already a Mama to 3 precious girls.  Who I would say were very "easy" to raise.  Sure I had my challenges, but nothing like what I was sooned be challenged with.  Up until he was born I didn't really struggle as a Mama.  However, throughout this past year his behavior has escalated so badly that D has to serve in his room at church in order for him to be able to attend.  I had quit taking him out on my own, as his tantrums were more than I could handle, or wanted to handle. I was that mom, the one who everyone stared at, and said, "oh no not that kid."  D and I know what a fun, loving, smart, quirky, kind little person he is.  We know what he is capable of, and so often misses out as other's don't see it too.  As I have been praying so much for GOD to reveal to me what I am doing wrong, and to teach me how to raise HIS "little warrior" I say, "Lord Jesus help me to bend him to your will without breaking his spirit."  My son is the only one of my 5 children with the most enthusiam, so much in fact he is the only that we make everything we do a game.  My daughters were wise beyond their years the moment they were born, and even more so now, as I have almost two teenagers, and a soon to be tween.  My son however, is my little guy, who is now a big brother to our youngest son, and I am fastening my seat belts as I can only imagine what it will be like when there are two of them running around.

GOD has revealed to me through my prayers that in order to be able to "handle" his temper tantrums, and training him up I must choose to practice self control.  I must model self control and discipline.  In choosing self-control and being disciplined  I will be able to do the things I don't want to do, so that I can have the things I want to have.  The same goes for me being a parent, I will discipline, even when I don't "feel" like it, and go to "battle" when I am called. 

GOD has always advised me to "choose my battles."  In every situation that comes up with training him up I need to say, "will this matter in 5 years?"  If the answer is no, I let it slide, however if it affects his character and pushes him towards being that obnoxious annoying kid, then I must push past the way I feel and do what I am called to do.  I don't enjoy disciplining myself, let alone anyone else.  However as a Mama, I have been called to raise 5 children, and in raising them I must teach them to practice self-control and to discipline them, so that they will be able to discipline themselves. 

"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die.  Punish them with the rod and save them from death." Proverbs 23:13-14

Just as I am called to discipline my children GOD is asking me to discipline myself.  If I am over indulgent in doing what I feel like doing, then my children will choose the behavior I am modeling.  In choosing to surrender my feelings about my exercise I am now on day 20 of a 30 day challenge. I have been consistently getting into HIS word for the past 42 days now.  This is the longest I have ever stayed in HIS word, and my life is becoming much more managable.  I even made it through all of last week without yelling :)  As a parent that is a HUGE celebration!  I know that when I choose to practice self-control and discipline my children are watching me, and are sometimes in awe of me.  That means they want to be like me, so if I know that they want to be like me, then I better choose to model Christ Like behavior. 

I know that GOD has blessed me with the ability to have self-control and discipline.  Therefore I know that HE expects me to be able to control myself, and not be "feelings" lead.  I know that in order to discipline myself I must first admit where I am truly at in my cirumstances and quit making excuses of how I got "there."  I must choose to take responsibility even when I don't feel like it if I expect to have any success.  I know I will achieve self-control and discipline when I choose it for my life.  I must meditate on this thought, "I am disciplined and self-controlled."

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love." 2 Peter 1:5-7

"Showing love for all people is the will of GOD and should be every Christ Followers goal."

GOD has blessed me with the spirit of self-control so that I can obey HIS command of loving all people, and seeing them through HIS eyes.  When I chose to have self-control I will be able to restrain myself from doing something that will derail HIS teaching.  Practicing restraint isn't always going to be easy, however it is necessary.

"my son, do not go along with them, do not set foot on their paths" Proverbs 1:15

Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues."  Proverbs 10:19

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense."  Proverbs 19:11

GOD has shown me that just as easily as people groan and say,"oh no not that kid," they can also say about me,"oh no not another "Christian."  If I am going to claim being a Christian or as I say Christ follower, I know that I must choose to model Christ's character qualities, and love GOD and love HIS people. 

Joyce Meyer says this "think of the areas in your life that you want to see improve, it could be finances, health, better organization in your life, how you think or what you talk about.  Then say, "I am a disciplined and self-controlled person and I will do my part to get my life in order.""  I, Heather said those very words 42 days ago, I knew that I needed something to help me in raising my 5 children.  I knew I needed HIM to lead me, and I was ready to become teachable and to be filled by HIS word daily.

I pray that today you will choose to allow HIM to teach you in an area where you lack self-control.  I pray that you will look to HIM as a model for how you choose to live your life.  I pray that GOD will bless you for your obedience and that HIS favor and blessings will be poured over your life.

Blessings,
Heather

the first steps

Growing up I became accustomed to being the one to take "the first steps," in apologizing.  I always hated that.  It NEVER seemed fair.  Someone else offended me or hurt my feelings and I'm the one to say, "I'm sorry?"  GOD wanted me to know this very moment that I have been holding onto so offenses and have stayed angry and bitter in my heart towards these offenses.  In choosing to be angry I am missing out on the blessing's GOD is wanting to do in my life, and I'm am letting go of relationships with others in the process.  A constant thought that runs through my mind daily is, "Lord I am so weary of always being the one who does the "right" thing.  Why can't someone think of my feelings for a change, and think about what I have gone or am going through right now?  Where is the compassion for me?  I can be a very "woe" is me person if I am not careful.  GOD wanted me to realize this during our time together this morning.  HE is always going to ask me to do what is "right," even if I am the one who was offended and who "feels"  is owed an apology. 

I know that by forgiving someone who has offended me I will be filled HIS peace and satisfaction in knowing that I have obeyed GOD and gave the "rest" to HIM.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.  The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6

GOD says that it is not up to me to decide what is best for me.  HE is asking me to trust HIM that HE knows what is best for me.  That by asking me to forgive someone who has offeneded me that HE is growing my faith in HIM. 

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

I must realize that GOD has allowed me to make my own choices, however if I want to live a "Happy Life," then I must choose to make the "right" choices in order for me to do so.  I know that when I choose to do something that isn't GOD honoring that I am sinning.  I know that by avoiding and hiding out and waiting to be sought out I am wasting time where GOD is trying to build in me character and through that strengthens my faith in HIM.  When I refuse to take "the first steps," I am refusing to be taught about humility, compassion, grace, love, tenderness,  and forgiveness. 

I myself am sitting here in awe this morning that this is HIS daily teaching today, as I was studying about disciplining my mind and NOT allowing it to wander.  However, while reading, my mind kept wandering to the offenses that I can't seem to get off my mind.  Hmmm, isn't that ironic?!?  So in knowing that GOD wants me to always seek peace and maintain peace in my mind I am going to take "the first steps," once again and apologize for allowing there to be distance between us.  Afterall I have said daily for the past 40 days, Lord create in me a renewed heart, soul, body, and mind.  Lord JESUS lead me daily, and help me live my life according to YOUR word. 

I pray today that if you are stuck feeling offended and feel wronged in any way, that you will turn your eyes to HIM and let HIM lead you to peace.  I'll see you there when you are taking "the first steps."

Blessings,
Heather