Friday, July 5, 2013

seeking justice vs. trusting HIM

I remember it was Spring time, and I had just become a Mama to our 3rd baby girl.  I was now a Mama to a 6, 4, and 3 month old.  My days and evenings were spent playing My Little Pony, dress up, going to the park, and reading to my girls.  I was happy, or so I thought.  Little did I know a storm was brewing inside of me, perhaps the biggest life changing storm of my life.  I remember that day so well.  I had just finished the millionth load of laundry, and the girls had all their pony's out again.  Our sweet baby was sleeping in her swing, and I was contemplating what to make for dinner.  I remember turning on the t.v. and Oprah was on.  As I sat there folding the laundry and listening to what the show was about, I began to feel enraged, not at my children but at years of suppressed emotions and feelings that were bury so deep within.  I remember falling to the floor sobbing with a pain buried so deep from within. I thought I was dying.  I remember my then 6 year old talking to Daddy on the phone, "somethings wrong with mommy, please come home."  I don't remember how I got off the floor that day, but I do know that GOD was with me every step of the way.   GOD place some of the most amazingly strong believers in my path to help me on the journey I was about to embark on with HIM.  It was then I was blessed with an amazing Christ lead therapist who prayed over me, and spoke HIS word, and HIS truth into my life. 

Within the first month of the nine month long therapy I was determined I would seek justice!  That the person who hurt me would pay!  With my renewed mindset I began calling State's Attorney's from three different states, police departments etc.  All to be met with the same answers, "the statute of limitations had run out."  I remember being told over and over again, that the "monster" who hurt me had all the rights, and I had none.  I was consumed with seeking Justice, afterall I had suffered for years, and I wanted him to pay! 

However, in my rage GOD had a plan.  A plan that would bring me to where I am today.  HE told me that if I forgave the "monster" HE would take away all of my pain, nightmares, and internal strife that I had been carrying around all of these years.  I can tell you it was not easy forgiving someone like that.  I learned that forgiveness did NOT mean forgetting.  I did NOT mean that it was ok with what happened to me.  Instead I learned that in order for me to move forward in GOD's will for my life, I had to let go.  Instead of seeking justice, I had to trust HIM that HE knew what was best for me, and I had to do the right thing for me. 

When I gave all of my worry and hurt over to HIM, HE blessed me with nightmare free sleep, I no longer cried all day long over the injustice I was dealt.  I was free, free from all of the "living hell" I had endured.  Free to be the woman HE was molding me and teaching me to be everyday.  I was free from guilt, shame, and embarassment for keeping the secret for so long.  I was free, truly free.  By letting go of seeking justice, I chose to trust HIM, and HE renewed and transformed my heart in a way that has been life changing.

GOD has blessed me with another book and it is called "Living Beyond Your Feelings" by Joyce Meyer.  In it there is a decison and confession section.  Today's is entitled:  I choose to do what is right no matter how I feel.  I know that I am emotional person, but I also know that I must learn to control my emotions so that they do NOT control me.  I must learn to keep my negative feelings to myself, as they only increase the more I talk about them.  I also must NEVER talk just to be talking.  GOD wants me to be speaking HIS truth, and HIS word, and not wasting my breath on useless talk.

"But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken."  Matthew 12:36

"Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues." Proverbs 10:19

Since I know I am an emotional person, I know I must NEVER make a decision on whether or not I will enjoy my day based on how I feel.  I must choose to enjoy each day that the LORD has made, afterall I am not promised tomorrow.  When I choose to do what is right no matter how I "feel"  GOD will always be faithful to supply me with the strength to do so.  I know that if I want to live a good life, I must be obedient to HIS way and will for me to live my life.  I know that just because HE gives me the strength I, Heather need to make the decision to do what is right.  GOD wants what is best for me, so rather than letting my emotions decide for me, I must trust in HIM.

"Nobody can consistently enjoy life until they are willing to do just that"

This is so true in my life.  I know that by choosing to enjoy each day, I know that my past is in my past, and it can no longer control or harm me.  I know that there is freedom in today, from HIM who has blessed me with another day to live out HIS will for my life.   Gone are the feelings of being hurt, sad, heartbroken, let down.  I am filled and renewed with HIS joy, promise, grace, humility, compassion and love. 

I pray today that if you are feeling hurt, and are seeking justice for someone to pay for hurting you, that instead of seeking justice you will trust HIM.  That you will trust HIM that HIS plans for your life are far greater than you can imagine.  That the person, or person's who hurt you will have to answer for their crimes.  I also pray that knowing how you feel, that you will put on a new mindset of loving GOD and people, and treat people just as Jesus did.  I pray that today is the day that start's your journey to freedom.


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