Saturday, March 8, 2014

keenly aware.....

"Why won't you say you love me?"   This very question has been rolling through my mind for as long as I can remember.  When I was a little girl all I wanted was my Dad's love.  I wanted to know that I was special to him, and that I mattered.  I wanted so desperately to know that I was cherished by him, and that he loved me unconditionally.  Those questions have gone unanswered, and today HE has revealed to me that they have now spilled over into my marriage to D.

It has been through the past 4 months of tests and trials in my 15 year marriage to D that I am becoming keenly aware of the shadow's of doubt that have over cast my confidence of WHO I truly am.  HIS Daily Teachings is shining HIS light on my insecurities in a way that is designed to set me free from the doubts and fear of my heart.  

"Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward.  For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise:" Hebrews 10:35-36

I am becoming more keenly aware of WHO HE is in my life, because I am able to see where HE is working in my life.  This is because each morning I choose to seek HIS word, and study HIS truth.  I wake up each morning and watch JOYCE MEYER and am met face to face with HIS word and HIS truth, and it always speaks to my heart.  As I keep listening to HIS message spoken through her, and read HIS message through my bible studies, I am gaining HIS knowledge and wisdom so that I am able to identify the tests and trials in my life.

When I first heard JOYCE MEYER talk about that, I felt so inadequate.  Asking, "when GOD when will I know that this is just a test?"  I wish I could say I figured it out right away, however as you know I am a sllllloooooowwww learner, and because of that I have needed a whole LOT of HIS Daily Teachings to prime, teach, lead, and guide me to what it is that HE is wanting me to know as I take each step in my journey towards wholeness with HIM.

As I have said before, I have become keenly aware that HE teaches me in themes.  The last theme HE taught me in was Choose JOY, and this morning I have realized that HIS current theme is Confidence.  This morning HE is wanting me to know that just as Choose JOY was spoken to me everywhere I went, HE is wanting me to know that Confidence will be the same thing.

When I think back to my early prayers when the latest storm began in D and my marriage, I remembered HIM saying to me, "Let me use you to reach him."  When I first heard that I was angry, as why was I the one who needed to do all the work?  What about him?  Why was I going to be the one used?  Why not him?  I was so fully of anger and bitterness, that I failed to see just how much HE loved me by using me to reach D.  I failed to see that the tests and trials that we were enduring were designed to build us, and NOT break us.  

For the past few months Choose JOY has been everywhere, and it has been primarily ALL I have been able to blog about.  The more I wrote about it, the more I spoke about it, the more annoyed D had become.  Not because HE was sick of hearing me talk about Choose JOY, but rather because I wasn't living it out.  One of our worst fights was about why couldn't I just do what GOD was telling me to do?  Why did I have to be so stubborn and make everything all about me?  That was one of the worst fights we have had in our 19 years of marriage together.  It was one of the most unbearable moments I have ever had to endure in my walk with HIM.  

This morning I am filled with HIS true confidence that HE isn't or wasn't surprised by anything I did or said that day.  HE is wanting me to know that it was all a test that was designed specifically for me to choose whether or not I trusted HIM to know that HIS plan, and HIS purpose is what I BELIEVE is really what is best for my life.

I wish I could say that I figured that out right away, however in being a slow learner, it has taken me almost a month to figure that one out.  This is the very reason I have been so quiet in writing the blog.  This has been the very reason why I have become so withdrawn and quiet in a lot of my relationships with others.

HIS Daily Teachings this morning is filling me with HIS true confidence that when I choose to do what HE tells me to do, the people in my life will be filled with HIS true confidence that they too will be able to do the same.  In becoming keenly aware, I have realized that HIM using me goes far beyond HIS plans for not only my life, but for people whom I have never even met, or will ever meet.  I know this as HE is the one WHO has called me to write HIS Daily Teachings.  

Currently the blog is being read in 28 different countries, and that to me is so mind blowing.  My blog, my mess, HIS beautiful message is being shared to thousands upon thousands of people.  In choosing to have the courage to seek HIM daily, and allowing HIM to use my mess to reach out to others, people are realizing WHO HE is in their own lives. 

HE is wanting me to know that HIS plan for this blog is never to tell you the readers what to do, but rather show you when I follow what HE tells me to do just how BIG HE has worked, is working, and will continue to work in my life.  Today I have become more keenly aware as to WHY I write HIS Daily Teachings.

HE is wanting me to know that until I let go of my insecurities and doubts as to whether or not I am adequately equipped to write HIS Daily Teachings, HE won't be able to use me in the way that HE has planned for my life.  In knowing this, I must seek HIM, so I will become keenly aware of WHO I am, because I will have the confidence I need to persevere because of WHOSE I am.

HE is telling me that by allowing my "feelings" of doubt to take over, it is then that I miss out on the many blessings that HE is wanting to pour over my life.  Therefore, I must choose to seek HIS truth about WHO I am, because I will then have the confidence to declare WHOSE I am.

HE is asking me to think about throughout my life, and search to remember of a time where HE wasn't faithful to me.  I can boldly declare that I know NOT even one time where HE hasn't been faithful to me.  It has been through HIS Daily Teachings that HE has taken me back and shown me where HE was in my darkest hours.  HE has shown me time and again where HIS light was shining for me long before I even knew that it was HIM.

In becoming more keenly aware I am able to boldly declare that:

HE IS FAITHFUL! ~ HE has NEVER left my side, nor forsaken me, HE has ALWAYS been there!

HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY! ~ No matter how far I have run or how deep I have gone to hide from HIM, HE ALWAYS welcomes me HOME safe  to HIS loving arms!

HE created me insecurities and ALL! ~ HE made me just as HE intended, so that I would be drawn to HIM, as it is through my insecurities, weaknesses, and doubts that I am dependent on HIM.  HE made me WHO I am so that I would become keenly aware of how much I needed HIM!

HE is my strength! ~ HE is my only true source of strength!  I know this because HIS word tells me so and because I am being filled with HIS true confidence of WHO I am!

HE is my light! ~ HE is my light, I know this because my whole world was dark before I knew HIS love.

HE is my SAVIOR! ~ HE paid the ultimate price, the ransom for my life, so that I, Heather, a broken and lost sinner would need HIM, so that I would be reconciled unto HIM and HIS FATHER in HEAVEN.  HE leads me every single moment of my life so that I will be brought to HIS glory!

HE is my amazing GRACE! ~ HIS amazing GRACE is what saved me!  Without it, I wouldn't be here, I would have given up on the life that I had been given.  I am thankful for HIS amazing GRACE as it has truly saved my life!

HE is equipping me! ~ HE has called me, and is equipping me to be WHO HE has called me to be!  If ever I doubt, all I need to do is look back on my past life, and see how far I have come!

HE is mine! ~ HE is there, for me, and is my best friend!  I am comforted by the fact that HE is mine, and I am HIS!  That HE is the one WHO knows and loves me best!

HE is my MORE! ~ Every morning I write in my journal, "less of me, and so much more of YOU!" My greatest desire is for other's to see HIM in me when they look at me!

HE is my FOREVER! ~ HE lifted me out of the pit of darkness that was consuming my every fiber of my being.  I will shout it, scream it from the mountains of WHO HE is, and what HE has done for me!  I have decided to follow JESUS and there is NO turning back for me!

HE is my TRUST! ~ HE is my everything in  my weakness, darkness, burden, and doubts, HE is there, waiting for me to cast it ALL on HIM.  I trust HIM because I know that HE knows what is best for me.  HE has proven time and again to me that HIS plan, and HIS purpose for my life is so incredibly AWESOME!

HE is my GIFT! ~ HIS amazing, LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, and FORGIVENESS is what keeps me going.  My mess, HIS beautiful message is WHY I am still here!  I will continue to share HIS beautiful message for as long as HE calls me to do so!

This morning HE is shining HIS light on the insecurities and doubts that have consumed me and  kept me from HIS best for my life.  HE is teaching me daily to become keenly aware that the shadow's of doubt that overcast my life will only have my attention when I turn away from HIS light.  Therefore, I must keep my eyes focused on HIM, and my ears open to hear and heed HIS whispers.

"In the shadow of doubt, insecurity paralyzes us with statements like:   I can't do this, things will never change, my life isn't going to get better, I'll never have the confidence I need."  Renee Swope "A confident Heart"

HE is wanting me to know that NONE of those statements are true, as I can do all things through HIM as HE will give me the strength! Philippians 4:13  Things will change, as I have chosen to seek HIM and have asked HIM to change me!  My life is getting better as HE is leading me and HIS plans for my life are AWESOME! Jeremiah 29:11  HE will give me the confidence I need to persevere because of my faith in HIM!  Hebrews 10:35-36

This morning I am realizing that in becoming keenly aware I am becoming the woman HE is calling me to be!  I am confident that in seeking HIM Daily to teach, lead, and guide me, HE is equipping me to be able to go out, shout it, and scream it from the mountains that HE is GOD!  HE is showing me that HIS truth is all I need to change me, and to create a confident heart within me.  Therefore I must live with a confident heart!

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

" Jesus said to him, “If you can believe,all things are possible to him who believes.” Mark 9:23

I pray today that as you seek HIM you too will become keenly aware of WHO HE is in your life, and what HE is doing in your life.  I pray today that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and ask HIM to reveal to you the areas that you are needing to work on.  I pray for HIS favor and blessings to be poured over your life when you seek HIM, and you become less, and HE becomes more.


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