Wednesday, March 26, 2014

the razor's edge

Today's blog has been probably one of the hardest things I have had yet to write about, as it is about the very shameful journey I have "chosen" to walk along the razor's edge.  For months now, HE has really been working on me, and preparing me for the teaching that I would receive this morning.  Though I didn't want to hear it, I know that I need to hear it. 

 Last summer I received the books Fifty Shades of Grey.  I received them with the promise that if I read them that would make my marriage to D stronger, as it would create a desire in me for him that was even greater than I already felt.With apprehension, but pure curiosity I dove straight in, and shamefully just 1.5 days later I not only did I read the first book but completed all three.  Though I didn't understand it at the time, the harm I was doing to my marriage, and to my own self awareness, I know now that all I did was open the door to sinful lusts and desires that come from this world and NOT from HIM.

Not only did I read Fifty Shades of Grey, I continued to seek books just like it, it was if though a fire was lit inside of me, a deep desire and passion to to continue to feel that towards my husband every time I would see him, or even think of him.  This very desire took over my Kindle, and at every chance I got I downloaded yet another book.  The entire time that I did this, I could sense that HE was wanting me to be set free from it, however, the problem that I faced was that D was okay with what I was reading.  In fact he was more than okay, he was encouraging it.  

So then began the questions, "LORD, D wants me to read these things, and he is okay with it.  Surely it's not harming my marriage?"  For months I was in a battle of what I should do, and all the while off and on I would read the books that fulfilled or so I thought my lustful thoughts and desires.  In the times that I wasn't reading, I was seeking approval from other Christian women about what their thoughts were.  Finally I had the talk with one of my soul sisters, and she shared with me her own battles of walking that fine line, the razor's edge of lustful and sinful desires of this world.  This conversation lead to another with another soul-sister who said, "Satan wasn't happy with having just our men addicted to pornography, he wanted the women to be addicted to it as well."  That very thought has stuck with me, and for the past few weeks HE has been working really hard on my heart about what I desire can only come from my husband and NOT some fantasy that Satan has used some other broken lost sinner to write about.  

Last week, after spending nearing an hour downloading yet more books to read, I realized that if anyone were to open my kindle they would see what I read.  Not only that but if you were to click on my recommendations gone would be the Christian books that would normally be there.  In my shame I quickly made sure that I put a password on my kindle, and even that wasn't bad enough I named my password hott.  Its hard for me to admit this, as I read these books because they were hott, however HE is wanting me to know that I was right in saying that they were hott, but NOT in the way I was thinking, rather hott as in if you play with fire then you are going to get burned!

HIS Daily Teachings today is revealing to me that when I put my trust in this world, when I choose to love this world over HIM, I live in darkness.  HE is wanting me to know that as a CHRIST FOLLOWER I am called to live and walk in HIS light, therefore, when I am put to the test through temptation, I must choose to just say NO! to the ways of this world and YES to HIM!  HE is wanting me to realize that in choosing to play with fire I did get burned, and thankfully HE captured my heart before it changed my marriage to D, and my relationship with HIM.

HE is wanting me to know that I won't gain any popularity in sharing HIS teaching today, however I am growing in my knowledge in HIM, of what HIS true plan, and purpose in for my life.  Today I am choosing to stand firm in my faith that whatever HE calls me to do, I will do it, as HE is the one who loves me and knows me best.

HE is wanting me to know today that all it did was give me a false sense of security, as I wasn't living with HIS true confidence that I couldn't expect or anticipate for my marriage to D to grow when I was seeking to fulfill lustful and sinful desires of this world.  Thought I could sense this is what HE has been trying to teach me for months now, I would take a dark day last week in my life that would bring HIS truth to the forefront of my life of my addiction.

HE is wanting me to know that in order to speak HIS truth, and to work for HIM in this area of life, I needed experience.  HE is telling me that HE has allowed me to go through this temptation so that I would have a better understanding of the addiction and how Satan uses the sinful lusts and desires to feed the addiction.  HE is wanting me to know that until I walked the razor's edge myself I couldn't possibly understand or have the amount of compassion I do for the other women who do.  

I am learning that not only am I in the ministry for marriage, but I am also in the ministry for women.  I am called to speak HIS truth into everything that HE calls me to.  I am called to live my life with genuine faith of WHO HE calls me to be!  I am called to be a "misfit" a person who is NOT of this world, and who doesn't conform to what society is telling me is okay.  I don't answer to the teachings of this world, I only answer to HIS teachings!

HE is wanting me to know that in confessing this sin to HIM, HE will then be able to go before HIS FATHER in HEAVEN and speak on my behalf, that though I can into lustful and sinful desires I have repented, and I have chosen to speak HIS truth about the darkness that Satan is saturating our world with. 

"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world." 1 John 2:1-2

HE is wanting me to know that in order for me to grow in my compassion and knowledge about what HIS truth is about sinful and lustful desire of world, I must seek HIM daily to transform and renew my heart, soul, mind and strength by allowing HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through every single step of my journey towards wholeness with HIM.  I must be willing to stay away as far as I can possibly get from the razor's edge so that I will be living HIS truth, HIS plan, and HIS purpose for my life.

"Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did." 1 John 2:6

I am learning that this means I must choose live as JESUS did by loving my brother's and sister's in CHRIST enough to speak HIS truth about the very things that Satan tempts them with.  This means that even though I will be met with opposition about whether or not it is okay to subject ourselves to reading this type of material, one thing remains, and that is it is NOT GOD honoring.  Paint it, color it, speak it, preach how you want to, HIS word is truth, and can NOT be distorted.  HIS truth will always win in the end, and HIS truth is this, no matter what I go through, no matter how difficult, trying, or painful, HE can will, and does always work everything out for HIS good.  Though I may not see it right away, it is always in HIS timing and HIS provision that HE can, will, and does reveal to me HIS truth, and because HE has proven to me time an again that HIS truth is my light, my life, and my salvation, I must choose to place ALL of my hope, trust, and faith in HIM that HE truly does know what is best for me.

HE is wanting me to know that when I choose to live in HIS word and walking in HIS truth, that is when I am walking in HIS light.  That is when the darkness that threatens my very existence is uncovered, and that is when I will overcome the things that Satan is trying his best to keep me trapped with.  I am learning that no matter how far I think I have gone, or how deep I am in a mess, HIS truth is there, HIS light is shining on me, and with HIS light shining on me, I know that I can walk in HIS truth, and it is then that HIS truth will set me free.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

This morning HE is wanting me to know that in order for HIM to use me, I must seek HIM first always!  I must say NO to the evil of this world, and YES to HIM.  I must NOT crave sin, I must say NO to the sinful and lustful desires of this world.   I must NOT boast about the evil lustful desires of this broken and fallen world.  After all JESUS didn't pay the ultimate price for my debt for my sins, so that I would be able to have eternal life, just to stand by and watch me throw it all away, for just a few minutes of hott.   HE is wanting me to know that if I really like it hott, then all I need to do is keep walking the razor's edge, and then I will spend eternity in HELL and that is very hott!

"The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." 1 John 2:17

My final thought today is this:  "I must speak HIS truth about the darkness of seeking lustful and sinful desires of this world.  They are NOT GOD honoring, and they only keep me trapped in the darkness when I am called to walk in HIS light.  They only thing they give me is a false sense of security and hope as it is NOT the reality or the perspective GOD wants me to have for my marriage to D.  Today it is time to forgive myself and to boldly declare that I have decided to follow JESUS and HIS Daily Teachings about whether or not is it acceptable.  Today I am placing ALL of my faith, hope, and trust in HIM and there is NO turning back!"

I pray today that you are walking the razor's edge of this very addiction, that you will know that the freedom that your heart, soul, mind, and strength is craving can only be found in HIM.  I pray today that you will have the courage to say NO to the sinful lustful desires of this world, and YES to HIM.  I pray for HIS favor and blessings to be poured over your life when you choose to walk in HIS light, and choose to live HIS plan and HIS purpose for your life.

humbled and honored to pray for you,

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