I found myself angry yesterday as I thought about my tears that fell, in telling my story, and the worst part was I didn't even really tell my story, I pretty much skipped over and bounced through most of it. I think that there was a part of me, that didn't want to tell my story, because I thought, if I don't tell it, then it didn't happen, and then I wouldn't have to be exposed and people would know the real me.
I know this sounds crazy, but I don't mind sharing my story through this blog, as I don't have to watch or see any of your reactions. I can just write about circumstances, and my memories, and not have to see the tears well up in someones eyes. I don't have to answer questions, I can just share my story.
HIS Daily Teachings today is getting right to the matters of my heart and revealing to me that I struggle with tears from people as I "feel" that they are tears of pity, when really HE is telling me that they are tears of compassion. HE is telling me that it's time that I let go of my emotions to my past, as HE can't use me effectively, if I keep getting caught up in the moment. HE is telling me that it is time that the tears that I witness to know are tears of compassion and NOT pity.
There was a time earlier in my walk with HIM, where I was way too emotional in sharing my story. It was as though I needed to be heard, and I wanted people to pity me. HE is telling me the reason why I craved even pity was because of the abuse and neglect that I endured growing up, and from a very young age I learned that even negative attention, was better than NO attention. HE is wanting me to know that this is when I made an agreement that I would seek pity, and NOT accept compassion. HE is wanting me to know that HE NEVER intended for me to continue on this destructive journey of hating my past, and being caught up in the moment of sharing my story.
HE is telling me that my past is what makes me, well me. HE is wanting me to embrace my past, and NOT be angry about it. It's hard for me though, especially when someone points out that it's so sad that my parents did that, or that it happened to me. No matter what way I share my story, it's a sad story, a sad LONG story. So much in fact that the other day my nine year old daughter asked me to share my story with her, to which my fifteen year old replied, "Oh no Mama please don't share your story it's so sad, please Mama don't do it. I hate your story."
Yesterday I allowed that conversation to keep playing like a broken record over and over in my head. The more I thought about it, the more I cried, the harder I cried the worse I felt. The worse I felt the more I was determined that the previous night would be the last time I would ever share my story in person. This morning, however, I have been caught up in HIS amazing grace, and HE is transforming and renewing my mind to NOT get caught up in the moment, but rather do what HE calls me to do, and if that means share my story, then that is what I must do.
This morning as I poured my heart out to HIM, HE revealed to me that I don't like WHO I am, because I am different. HE let me know that I don't like WHO I am because when I compare myself to other women, I am NOT like any of them. HE revealed to me that it is because I don't know how to be a surface level friend, as HE NEVER intended for me to be a surface level friend.
Today HE is revealing to me that I have so much anger built up inside of me, and that anger is what gets me caught up in the moment when I am sharing my story. NOT only in sharing my story, but in relationships in general. HE is telling me this is because I struggle so much to be care-free, fun, and light-hearted. So much in fact, I try to be funny, so that people won't see the scared little girl hoping and praying that she is accepted. Today HE is building me up with HIS true confidence that I, Heather, am different, and that is okay, as that is what makes me WHO I am.
Today HE is telling me that it's time that I embrace WHO I am, because I know WHOSE I am. HE is telling me that in being HIS daughter I am special (different) but I am NOT alone, we ALL are. Everyone is different, NO two people are alike. HE is wanting me to know that while my story is a sad one, it's NOT all sad, in fact only the first half of my story is sad, the other half is FULL of HIS unspeakable JOY!
Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy" 1 Peter 1:8
HE is telling me the reason that I am living with HIS unspeakable JOY, is because in the moment of the most terrifying darkness I have ever known, HE found me, HE was there, shining HIS light, and HE saved me. HE loved me relentlessly, and showered me with HIS amazing grace. HE forgave my sins, and washed me white as snow. HE let me know that NOTHING, NOT ONE THING, NO ONE could ever, or would ever be able to hurt me again.
Today HE is asking me to share WHO HE IS in my life:
HE is my LORD and SAVIOR!
HE is my SECURE FORTRESS!
"Whoever fears the has a secure fortress" Proverbs 14:26
HE is my REFUGE!
HE is my STRENGTH!
"The is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him." Exodus 15:2
HE is my REDEEMER!
"This is what the says—I am the ,
HE is my HEALER!
"Praise the , my soul;
HE is my ABBA (Daddy)!
"Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, , Father.” Galatians 4:6
HE is my PRINCE of PEACE!
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
HE is my LIGHT!
"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said,
In knowing and declaring ALL of this, I am filled with HIS unspeakable JOY, as HE is meeting me right where I am this morning, broken, and confused as to WHY I am WHO I am, and is teaching me that I am exactly the way HE intended, and my past is sad, by my present and future, are FULL of HIS promises, and blessings, and HE is there, HE is with me, and HE will be with me in the times of terrible trials and tribulations. HE is my LORD, HE is leading me, teaching me, and guiding me, on this journey called life.
Dear Friends, I pray today that if you too are struggling with WHY your past is the way it is, rest assured that its your past, and NOT your present, and most certainly doesn't have to be your future. I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM, so that HE will show you what HIS plans are for your life, and that you will be set free from the bondage and agreements made in your heart that have kept you from being able to live with HIS unspeakable JOY. I pray today that if your past start to creep in on you, you won't get caught up in the moment, rather you will be caught up in HIS amazing grace, and relentless love.
Much love, prayers, and blessings ~