Monday, September 15, 2014

matters of my heart

Today, HE is asking me to be incredibly candid about WHO I am.  You know me as CHRIST follower, wife to D, Mama to five, and someone WHO is running after JESUS daily.  What you don't know is, really WHO I am when it comes to the matters of my heart.

I could blog every single day about all the good things that are happening to me, and what CHRIST has done for me, but NONE of it will mean anything if I don't take you behind the scenes and show you how I got to where I am today.  This is not to mean that I am retelling my story, rather revealing to you the matters of my heart, as HE is revealing them to me.

So today, you and I are on a journey as HE begins to show me the matters of my heart.  HE is telling me that yesterday was just the beginning of the series of heart surgeries I need to have.  HE has let me know through a wonderfully loving woman of FAITH in my church that what I have failed to understand in my current series of tests and trials is that it all begins and ends with the matters of my heart.  

Last week the question was posed, "are you spiritually healthy?"  Three months ago, I probably would have answered the question with a "yes," however, in the past two months I would have to say NO, as I have never felt further from being spiritually healthy.  In seeking spiritual health, HE is letting me know that it can only be achieved when I am willing to get right to the matters of my heart. 

For the past month or so, I have become incredibly lazy in my walk with HIM, and in answering HIS calling for my life.  It is because I have felt attacked, through my spirit, and physically through my body.  So much in fact, that I haven't been able to do even just the daily mundane things I am supposed to be doing as a Mama to HIS amazing five children, and my awesome, and incredibly serving husband.

In getting right to the matters of my heart, HE is revealing to me just how serving my children have been to me in my time of need. HE has created in them servant's hearts, WHO blow me away with their loving kindness every single day.  In the past month while I was living with tremendous pain, my children took over the matters of our home.  While I should have been concentrating on the matters of their hearts, I allowed myself to become withdrawn, and fall even further into that dark deep pit of despair, and allowed myself to slip into another trial of depression.

Every morning I would wake up praying that today would be the day where I would feel better, and I would be able to just do the things that I needed to be doing.  I prayed that I would be just miraculously healed.  As soon as I would realize that today would NOT be that day, I became withdrawn, and allowed myself to become discouraged once again.  This discouragement lead to destruction in my own walk, as well as my children's.

The more I laid around because of my constant pain, the more I cried, the more I cried the more sorry I felt for myself, and then I began to say things like, "I'm sorry you were chosen to have me as your Mama.  I'm sorry I am NOT the Mama you deserve."  The more I cried, the worse I felt, and truly the worse I felt, the more I didn't want to feel, and that is when one of my worst strongholds began to take over.

For the past month I have watched unlimited television.  If I were writing this blog, based upon what I wanted to tell you, I wouldn't have used unlimited, however since it is HIS Daily Teachings, HE is telling me that in order to really get the the matters of my heart, means that I need to uncover, and STOP hiding the truth of what my strongholds have done to me.  Today HE woke me up and let me know pretty quickly that today I needed to seek HIM, so HE could show me WHO I am.  HE is telling me that in order to know WHO I am, I need to seek HIS truth, and HIS truth will only come when allow HIM to reveal the matters of my heart to me.

Once again, HE is showing me that I have allowed the enemies lies to penetrate my heart.  HE is telling me that HE hasn't created in me a strong FAITH so that I could just be wiped out by simply not feeling good.  HE is wanting me to know that HIS plan and HIS purpose for my life is for me to be able to seek HIM, so that I will OVERCOME, and persevere. 

" Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

HE is reminding me once again that my sin has been erased, and because of that I will NEVER be the same.  In knowing this, HE is telling me that is how I will mature in my FAITH,  and that is when I will become spiritually healthy.  HE is letting me know that in seeking HIM to create in me a healthy spirit, I must be willing to embark on this journey towards wholeness with HIM boldly.    

This is a concept that I have failed to understand, that is until now.  HE is letting me know that the true matters of my heart reveal that I need to be bold in my prayers.  HE is wanting me to know that NOT only am I called to be bold, but also confident.   HE is telling me that not only am I to be both of those things, but I am called to be daring in my prayers. I am learning that when it comes to WHO I am in my prayers pales in comparison to WHO HE calls me to be.  HE is telling me that when I choose to be bold, confident, and daring in my prayers, that is how I will be able to stand firm in my FAITH, when the waters rise, the storms rage, and my whole world is shook up.  

" Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" Hebrews 4:16

HE is wanting me to know that the enemy is prowling around all of the time, waiting to devour me.  HE is telling me that Satan would like nothing more than to see me wiped off the face of this Earth.  HE is wanting me to know that while it is Satan's mission to break me, and weaken me, HIS mission is to take those very things that the enemy is hoping to break me, and is making me stronger.

" Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does." 1 Peter 5:8 The Message Bible

I have come to the realization that the more I seek HIM, and know HIM, the stronger I feel in each trial.  I am learning that with knowledge comes HIS true freedom.  In knowing this, why oh why do I struggle so much to remember this in my times of tests and trials?  HE is lovingly reminding me this morning that the reason being is so that I will be able to NOT only know, but to see just how much I need HIM.

HE is telling me that it was NEVER in HIS plan that I would have to face this life alone.  HE never intended for me to fight the battles alone, and certainly wouldn't make me get to the matters of my heart on my own.  HE is revealing to me that the true matters of my heart consists of my feelings of inadequacy, and lack of knowledge as to how I am going to be a Mama to HIS five children, when I didn't have a Mama of my own.  HE is telling me that all I need to be doing in seeking HIM daily, and allowing HIM to transform and renew my mind so that I will be able to live my life according to HIS plan and through HIS purpose.  

HE is wanting me to know that the lies that I have buried deep within, need to come out. HE is telling me that HE is revealing them to me, NOT to shame me or to make me feel guilty, but rather to free me, so that I will be able to answer HIS calling for my life.  HE is telling me that in those times where I feel sorry, or guilty, or shameful it is NOT from HIM, as there is NO condemnation in CHRIST.  

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1

Once again, HE is letting me know that all that I have is NOT because I have done anything to deserve it.  HE is wanting me to know that it's not a matter of doing good, or being good, there is NEVER going to be any series of anything that I could ever do right to earn, or deserve HIS loving kindness, goodness, mercy, and grace.  HE is wanting me to know that I have all of that because I have been bought and paid for with a price, of which I could NEVER repay, and it is because HE loves me.

The truth is, in looking into the matters of my heart, HE is revealing to me that I never truly believed that HE could possibly love me for WHO I am.  HE is letting me know that the reason being is because I was raised on the kind of love only given when felt deserved.   HE is reminding me that it is in those times where I feel I don't deserve HIS love, HE is, has, and will continue to give it to me anyway.

"I don't deserve your love, But you give it to me anyway.  Can't get enough, You're everything I need.  And when I walk away, You take off running and come right after me.
It's what you do,  And I don't deserve you" Plumb "Don't Deserve You"

Oh how true and real this song sings to my weary heart this morning, Oh how thankful I am to know how much HE really does love me, so much that HE takes HIS time to show me just how much HE does.  Today I am so incredibly thankful that HE is getting right the matters of my heart, and revealing to me that no matter what I say or do, HE is there, always, and is waiting for me seek HIM, for HIS comfort, and HIS love to help me on this amazing journey full of tests and trials, called life.

My Dear Friends, it is through tears that I pray that each and everyone of us will come to know WHO HE is, and know that HE loves us.  I pray for each of our aching and longing hearts that long to know that we belong.  I pray that HE will uncover the lies that have been buried deep within you, and that you will have the courage to not only seek HIS truth, but to speak HIS truth.  I pray today that you will allow HIM to get right to the matters of your own heart.

With much love, prayers, and tears,

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