Monday, September 8, 2014
As I laid my head down on my pillow last night, I sobbed myself to sleep. The pain and the anguish that I was feeling was more than I could bear. The words that were said, and the circumstances of which I caused were all to unbearable. The look in my sweet husbands eyes, and the disappointment that I caused was overwhelming. The self-loathing, and pity party that I was feeling was more than I could take. With deep sighs, and deep sobs, I cried myself to sleep.
As soon as I woke up this morning, I knew I needed to pour my heart out to HIM. As I began to journal, I couldn't write anything more than I was sorry, and I how much I needed HIM. The guilt that I felt from last night in my response to my "feelings" was crushing my spirit. In pure desperation, I poured my heart out to HIM, and waited, waited for the moment where I would hear HIS whisper.
True to WHO HE is in my life, HE led me straight to my computer and had me watch yesterday's message from my church, as I missed it because I was unable to go. I haven't really gone into this much on the blog about what I have been currently going through, partly because I am ashamed that I have allowed myself to be brought back to this level of thinking once again. For quite some time now I have been dealing with severe muscle and joint issues, so much in fact that I have bed ridden. The pain has been so bad at times where it hurts to even walk. Yesterday was one of those days. My knees were hurting so bad, that I couldn't bear to stand for very long. My legs were like pins and needles going through them, and I couldn't help but start to "feel" sorry for myself.
For quite some time now I have worn orthotics in my shoes, as I have fallen arches in my feet. Adding to the list of things that is what I "think" wrong with me. Sometime in the last two weeks I have misplaced one of my shoes with my orthotic in it, and since I couldn't find it yesterday I had to miss out on our family day, starting with church, and continuing on at a theme park. This same theme park which my family and I have been going every Sunday since May. Yesterday I had to stay home, and miss out on family day, and those two things opened a world of hurt, of which I couldn't have possibly of prepared myself for.
About two hours into my staying home, with my youngest son, I was overtaken by a HUGE amount of sadness, and deeply rooted emotions. Not sure why I was feeling this way, I tried to pray about it, and ask GOD to remove it from me. It seemed though the more I prayed, the more I cried, and the more I cried, the worse I felt. This went on throughout the afternoon, and into the evening. Each time my family would reach out to talk to me through texts and calls, I shut down, I was very withdrawn, and when we could end our conversation, I would cry even more.
It wasn't until long after they arrived home last night did I let my "feelings" be known. Unfortunately for my sweet husband, it was NOT something that was honoring in the least bit of a way. In fact, in was so monstrously dishonoring, that it pains me to even write about it. However, because HE loves me, and wants me to overcome the lies of the guilt that I am carrying, HE is telling me that it's time that HIS truth is revealed to me.
HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me way back into my childhood, and showing me where the lies began. HE is revealing HIS truth and is unveiling the lies to me, so that I will be able to live with HIS true freedom. When I was about eight or nine years old my mom went on vacation with my little sister to California to see my Aunt. They were gone for over a week, and when they got back my sister showed me everything my mom had bought her. After seeing all that she had been given, I thought surely that she would have something for me. I would quickly realize that was NOT the case, and instead it was just the beginning of all the trips they would take without me.
I can't begin to tell you how many times my parents would say to me, we are going to this place, and you can't come, but there are frozen pizzas in the freezer. They would leave me home alone, and be gone ALL day, and sometimes even overnight. I remember crying, begging, and pleading for them to take me with them, and the more I cried the more they let me know that I wasn't wanted. That is the 1st lie that HE is unveiling to me today, that though I may have felt unwanted as a young girl, that is NOT HIS truth for me today, in fact it couldn't be further from the truth, as I, Heather, am wanted.
One of the most painful memories I have of them leaving me was when my mom told me that she was going to get a gallon of milk, and she and my sister were gone the entire day. It was during that time that I realized that something was wrong with me, as it was my fault that NO ONE ever wanted to be around me for very long.
The same longing to be wanted followed me at school, and I'm sure I came off as a desperate little fool, in "thinking" that I could possibly be friends with anyone. The pain that I felt cut so deep that I cried most of the time, and when I was introduced to someone new, they would say, "this is Heather, she has problems, and we don't play with her, she's weird." Of course it didn't help that I wore hearing aids, glasses, and my brother's hand-me-downs. It also didn't help that I had short boy cut hair, and looked just like my brother. This pain is something that has been living within me for so long, and is the 2nd lie that HE is unveiling to me today. HIS truth today is telling me that the pain that I have felt for so long in hearing that I have problems and I am weird couldn't be further from the truth. HE is telling me that the problems that I have are really just HIS loving reminders of how much I need HIM! HE is wanting me to know that the enemy will stop at nothing to break me, and tear me down, and bring me right back to those moments of complete and total bondage that have kept me trapped in my own prison without a key for so long.
HIS loving reminder to me today is this, HE is the KEY and HE is the one WHO matters in my life, HIS will, HIS way, are perfect for me, and in those moments where I can feel my past creeping up on me, I must know that HE is the one WHO will have the deepest impact that I am needing to transform and renew my mind, so that I won't fall prey to the lies that enemy is trying to penetrate my heart with.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
Something that I have always seemed to struggle with is my longing to belong. This is something that started long before I even knew what it was to want to belong. I remember as a young girl all the kids who talked about their best friends, the ones who ate lunch together, and hung out on the playground together. The ones who went to each other's houses, and who got invited to birthday parties. I remember being in grade school and getting my very first invitation to a sleepover birthday party. I remember being so excited that I, Heather, the weird one got invited. However, I would soon realize that the only reason I was invited, was because the girls mother made her invite ALL the girls in our class, and it was made very clear from the moment the party started that I didn't belong.
HE is telling me that this is the biggest LIE that has penetrated, wrecked, and caused my heart to bleed in pain and anguish as I struggled on a daily basis for that longing to belong. This morning HE is letting me know that it is of NO coincidence that the church that my family and I attend have this saying: "No matter who you are, where you've been, you belong here." HE is letting me know that it has been HIS plan and HIS purpose all along for me to finally be set free from the lies that I don't belong. HE is wanting me to know that HE has placed me within our church so that I would be able to serve without our church, and so that I would be able to tell my story, that is HIS message of HOPE, of which HE is using my greatest hurts, to make into HIS greatest blessings that HE is waiting to pour over my life.
This morning HE is transforming and renewing my mind, so that I am able to move past last night's mistakes, so that I will be able to learn from, and move on from, in knowing that seeking HIM, HIS MERCY is upon me, and HE is overwhelming me with HIS amazing GRACE and relentless LOVE. This morning HE is setting me free from the lies within that have kept me from knowing, and living out HIS truth for my life. Today I am choosing to stand firm in my FAITH in HIM, in knowing that even though I may stumble, and say and do things that I shouldn't, HE is there, and HE will pick me back up and set me up straight so that I will be able to live according to HIS will, HIS plan, and HIS purpose for my life. Today is a new day, a renewal of my FAITH, HOPE and SPIRIT, in knowing that HE is SOVEREIGN that HE is in control, and that in those moments where I fall are really HIS loving reminders that HE is there, HE is waiting, all I need to do is repent my sins of "thinking" I've got everything figured out, and seek HIM and LOVE HIM with ALL of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength" Mark 12:30
Dear friends, today I pray that my story, of my downfall, my mistakes, and HIS truth will be HIS loving reminder to you that HE has a plan for each of you as well. A plan to know HIM to LOVE HIM, and to TRUST HIM that HE truly does love and know you best. I pray today that you will have the courage to seek HIM and ask HIM to reveal the lies within that are keeping you from HIS absolute best for your life. I pray today that HE will lift the spirit of depression, sadness, guilt, fear, and shame from your life. I pray that you will be transformed and renewed by HIS HOLY SPIRIT as you continue to seek HIM, and allow HIS words to flow in you and through you as you continue on your journey towards wholeness with HIM.
With love, prayers, and compassion,