Yesterday I woke up with a HUGE heaviness on my heart as the realization that it will be a year without our sweet Sethie in just four short months. The mark of the eighth month without him has brought me to my knees. A desperate Mama's plea for relief. Relief from this horrendous sadness, sorrow, anguish, and pain. A plea for life to presume livable.... not unbearable. A plea for this heaviness, this reality to NOT be true anymore. A plea to wake up from this dream.... this horrible awful, heartbreaking, life altering dream...... that sadly, and most painfully is my reality.
Sitting in church this morning the message was spoken.... GOD forgave us, so we can forgive others. There it is right there..... forgiveness. As the message continued I began to sink further down into my seat, as I could feel HIM speaking to my heart. NOT wanting to be confronted on what I had been feeling, and facing lately, I "tried" my best to avoid, and "think" of anything other than what was being said. To be honest, forgiveness isn't even on my radar right now, as I'm hurting so tremendously bad right now, that I can't imagine taking on anything else to my already overflowing, overwhelming plate of life. To be completely transparent I was so incredibly angry, and well to put it bluntly... pissed that HE would ask me to forgive anyone who's offending me, or blatantly hurt me.
UGH!!! I can't even type right now, as my blood is still boiling that I'm to forgive people who continue to hurt, and offend me...... I don't know why this comes as a shock to me..... this idea of forgiveness..... when in reality I've forgiven so many people for so many offenses, and yet when it comes to the loss of my precious little son Seth... well I'm just ALL out of GRACE.
There I said it, I admit.... I'm human, I Heather, am human just like everyone else, and in my humanness I struggle immensely with my sensitive feelings. Being around people who don't, won't and just plain refuse to acknowledge my son, well honestly I avoid.... at ALL costs. I know this is hard to hear, but I can tell you that when ALL you know is the unbearable, unfathomable pain that strikes your heart to it's core..... honestly it consumes you...... the pain, the anguish, ALL of it consumes you.
No matter how hard I try and keep my thoughts focused on HIS truth....... the harder the enemy attacks with his lies.... this makes my blood boil. It is when I wave the white flag, and beg and plead for my suffering to end. For my sweet little one year old to come back through our front door, smiling, laughing, playing as if no time has passed. The darkness creeps up, and creeps in on me as reality strikes that the one thing I'm longing and aching for WILL NEVER HAPPEN........ and leaves me in its dust, broken, shattered, leveled, and utterly heartbroken.
HIS truth is what I crave, need and plead for at every single moment of my life these days. HE is all I need, and want in this life. I am so desperate for relief, comfort, peace, and constant grace. Needing HIM consumes me even more than this pain does, as I know the only relief I will ever find in any of this is found in HIM and HIS truth.
Today in the midst of my brokenness, and mess of tears, HE found me, HE spoke straight to my heart, and let me know that even though the world doesn't seem to care....... HE cares. As the tears fell violently down my face, I cried the the deepest part of my soul, right there in a room full of people, I broke down, and cried out all the bitterness, anger, resentment, and hurt that I had been keeping in. Trying so hard to be BRAVE and keep it all together.... I fell apart, and came completely undone.
If that wasn't enough, HE made sure that I heard HIM, as when I walked out into the lobby HE made sure I would have an encounter with my soul sister J. Right there in the middle of the lobby surrounded my so many people, I proceeded to fall apart again. Right there in the midst of my brokenness HE met me once again through her words.
I left feeling horrible, embarrassed, angry, and exhausted that it felt as though HE was asking me to do the impossible at every single turn, on every single level. I kept going over and over what HIS word says, and what I've learned on my journey of forgiveness thus far. I felt like a complete hott mess, and failure that I couldn't forgive people for NOT understanding my pain, or my needs.... ugh stupid human emotions..... I silently prayed HE would take those away...and then recanted as I love my human emotions when it comes to LOVE. Ugh.... feeling trapped in my thoughts as soon as we got home, I went upstairs and went to bed..... hoping and praying for clarity, for peace to know to understand how... how all of this is possible..... I closed my eyes and whispered, come LORD JESUS, please come.
I wish I could say that when I woke up I felt better, had more clarity, and felt ready to take on what HE was asking of me. Sadly that wasn't even close to how I felt, and to be honest, the more I thought about what was being asked, the harder I cried. This seemingly impossible journey, load, task whatever you want to call it.... was, is killing me.
This is a journey that is hard.... painful, and downright unbearable... but because I believe HIS word to be true, I know that it's possible with HIM. Today's writing is more of me sharing the ugliness that is within right now, the battle of my mind and heart, that HE has already won. Today this is me sharing my raw bleeding aching heart that knows HIS peace is coming, and HIS grace is more than enough for me, that HE can handle whatever emotions, thoughts, or words I throw at HIM. HE knows I'm angry, and HE wants me to know that in ALL of this HE'S crying with me, because HE loves me so very much, and HE cares far more for me than anyone else ever would, or ever could.
Tonight I'm clinging to HIS promises that HE will make a way, HE will make this bearable, HE will heal me, HE is there, HE loves me, and HE has NEVER nor will HE EVER leave nor forsake me. Tonight HE is meeting me in my brokenness, and for that I am thankful. As tears fall I know HE catches every single one of them, and I know that tonight when I sleep HE will renew and restore my heart, soul, and mind, and HIS mercies will be new in the morning.
This weekend has been extremely difficult...... I am broken, I am angry, I am hurt, and I am in NEED of my SAVIOR.
"The is close to the brokenhearted
Blessed are those who mourn,
Seeking HIM in it ALL.... I ask for prayers for strength to continue to seek HIM in this journey of walking through grief.
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,