Tuesday, June 30, 2015

leap of Faith

Not feeling led to write lately, I've journaled..... a lot.  So much that I wasn't quite understanding that if I was journaling that much, then why wasn't I writing and posting on the blog?  Feeling frustrated like I must have missed something, I wrote in my journal this morning that I just wanted to be with HIM, not here, but there.... where no pain, sorrow, sadness, and this overwhelming heartache exists.  As soon as I finished journaling my plea, the next sentence I wrote was, but I know that isn't possible, as YOU aren't through working in me and through me here yet, so that means that I'm just going to have to TRUST YOU, that YOU LORD know whats best for me.

The more I poured my heart out, the further HE took me back to last week, which started a whole new perspective of how I got to where I am.  More specifically what happened on the worst day of my life.... a day that would forever change who I am, how I think, how I love, how I speak, absolutely everything would change.

Last Monday was my 37th birthday, and it was so bittersweet for me.  One because my 36th year was hands down the hardest, most heartbreaking year of my life.  Two because it was THE YEAR that HE taught me all about HIS PERFECT LOVE, PERFECT PEACE, and ENDLESS GRACE.  This past year has been the most intense year of growing that I have EVER done in the last thirteen years of walking with HIM.

My phone rang last Monday and it was my brother calling to wish me Happy Birthday.  Our conversation started out lighthearted, and soon was heading straight into HIM speaking HIS truth to me, through my brother.  My youngest niece, his youngest daughter was diagnosed with ALL a form of cancer when she was just six years old.  She's now thirteen and in full remission, PRAISE JESUS, but the heartache, the pain, the suffering, the unknown that my brother his wife went through as parents was heartbreaking and painful to see, to know, and to hear about.  

His words that day spoke VOLUMES to my heart when he said, "I don't know how you feel, I can't begin to imagine, as we walked to the edge and looked over to what life would be like without her.  However, we NEVER had to jump.... Heather..... you didn't jump..... you were PUSHED off the cliff.  HIS grace is what has kept you from falling into the pit.  Whenever I pray for you, I pray for more of HIS grace to guide you, to help you, to sustain you in your fall."

After our conversation I thought long and hard about being PUSHED off the cliff and what that meant for me.  I can tell you that on the most ordinary, rainy afternoon of October 13, 2014 at 4 p.m. I was most definitely PUSHED off the cliff.  Not only was I pushed but HE let me know that HE would catch me as I fell with HIS grace, and I had to TRUST HIM that HIS promises are true that HE would come always come through for me.  HE let me know that in trusting HIM, to teach me, HE would have to allow my heart to become so incredibly broken...... devastatingly broken..... broken the point that would make me question whether or not HE really did love me, and did HE really have my best interest at heart.... all of which HE would answer with a RESOUNDING YES!!!

For months I clung to my FAITH in HIM, HIS promises, and poured myself into HIS word daily.  Even if that meant just laying my head on my bible, and weeping oceans of tears into HIS word, I clung to HIM.  HE held me in the darkness, and kept HIS light SHINING on me, even when I was too blind with tears to SEE it.  HE was there when the pain cut me so deep that I felt as if though I would surely die.  HE was there.

After 28 weeks of asking WHY and HOW did this happen, and HOW LORD could this possibly be the plan for our lives.  How could Seth's life here just be over?  One week before we moved into our new home HE gave us the answer.  Our precious little son Seth died of complications from a rare lung disease that we didn't even know he had.  There it was written on his death certificate, cause of death, "natural causes."   It left us reeling as to what could possibly be natural about a healthy little boy who was just going to be turning two dying, two days before his second birthday?  What could possibly be natural that his Mama and Daddy would have to plan his celebration of life and pick out his casket on what would have been, should have been his second birthday.... NONE of it made sense.

It's now been nine weeks since HIS truth was revealed to us of what happened to our precious little sweet Seth, and it hasn't gotten any easier.  Knowing, processing, how, going back into that day reliving, and even more than that, re-examining, our life with him, we could now SEE what we "thought" was teething, and colds, was something more..... something that without us knowing would take our precious little baby love away from us.  Where we would learn the hardest lesson as parents that our children are really HIS children, and that they are on loan to us, to raise, to love, to lead straight back to HIM.  Our time with Seth was over........ so what now?

A few days ago HE revealed to me WHY HE didn't warn us, WHY HE allowed Seth to die alone without any intervention.  HE revealed to me WHY all of the struggles, heartache and pain have been allowed to happen in my life.  Even replaying HIS words as I think about typing them..... I struggle..... 

"Time is my gift of protection for you.  If you knew ALL that would happen in your life, you wouldn't show up, you would shrink back.  I know it hurts, all of it hurts so much, but I promise you that GOOD will come from ALL of this.  I need you to TRUST ME that I do know what is best for you.  I will wait as long as I need to to teach you, to show you that I really am trustworthy.  Even in this heartache, sorrow, and pain, I'm with you, my heart aches with you as I am with you, and I ask that you trust ME, and hold on, just wait till you SEE what I am going to do.  I love you."

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

So there it is, time is HIS gift of protection for me.  When time has hurt me so badly for the past eight months.  Time has been ripped from my hands, my heart, my life with my sweet little boy.  Time has taken me even further from the precious moments, that were made into precious memories with Seth. Time has wrecked me, and hasn't been my friend, and now I'm supposed to just understand and know that time is HIS gift of protection?  

This has left me digging even deeper into HIS word, and clinging even harder to HIS promises for my life.  Instead of backing down, shutting down, or walking away from HIM, the further I have flung myself deep into HIS word, soaking in HIS presence, surrendered myself, as I TRULY want to know and understand and SEE and LIVE out HIS goodness and GLORY that has always been intended for my life.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

HE is letting me know today that this means that in order to continue on this portion of my journey with HIM its going to take a Leap of Faith.  HE is telling me that it's not that I don't know WHO HE is, or what HE can or will do, but rather HE needs me to be ALL IN, when it comes to TRUSTING HIM, that HE does TRULY know what is best for my life.  To trust HIM that if HE says HE'S going to do something, that I will have the confidence to claim it for my life. 

""I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

In looking back on my journey since being  PUSHED off the cliff of oblivious living  I know that my FAITH in HIM has only brought me so far, that I didn't get to where I am on FAITH alone, I had to learn to TRUST HIM completely.  I had to seek HIM in the darkness, where my feet couldn't even feel the ground beneath me, I had to TRUST that HIS hand was there in mine, guiding me safely on the path.  When my tears fell like rain, and pooled as oceans at my feet, I had to TRUST HIM that HE would catch and bottle every single tear, and that ONE day HIS promise would come true for my life, that ONE day I would be able to LIVE, TRULY LIVE in PARADISE with HIM and OUR FATHER in HEAVEN with no more tears, no more heartache, no more pain, and I would no longer have to long to hold, to see, to kiss, to dance, to be with my precious little boy.

" Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Hebrews 11:6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 

"You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle;Are they not in Your  book?" Psalm 56:8

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelations 21:4

Today I, Heather, HIS daughter am CONFIDENT that HIS HOLY SPIRIT LIVES within me,  I, Heather am CONFIDENT that through HIS HOLY SPIRIT HE is doing a good work in me and through me for HIS purpose.  I, Heather am CONFIDENT that HE will continue to work in me and through me, until my time here on earth is through.  I, Heather am CONFIDENT that no matter what comes my way, HE'S there, holding my hand, and HE WILL keep me safe.  Though that may not mean keeping me safe from earthly death...... this was hard for me grasp and to understand, as it was the ONE thing that I struggled the most with in learning to accept and embrace my reality that my son's life here on Earth was through.

" being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge." Psalm 16:1

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I had to let go of what I "thought" HIS promise was to me that HE would always rescue and save us, that we were under HIS protection meant that HE would save my family from the evil one's clutches. Learning this took another huge Leap of Faith that Seth wasn't alone that afternoon, HIS angels were with HIM, and they saw HIS face as Seth was dying in his bed , and HE told them to GO and they did, and they rescued him.  Through HIS truth of HIS words, I was able to take that HUGE Leap of Faith that HE rescued Seth, and gave me the confidence and peace of mind knowing that Seth went from his loving sister's arms straight into JESUS' loving arms.  

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven." Matthew 18:10

" Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

Seth knew only of love in this life, and left this life to LIVE with the most PERFECT LOVE, and that brings me such peace.  I am thankful that yesterday was another Monday, and at precisely 4 p.m. as I sat on my couch, I breathed in HIS peace.  I breathed HIM in, as I knew that NOTHING could EVER take away HIS perfect peace from me, as HE has proven to me that HE is always with me, and HE will help me get through anything that comes my way.  I say this with CONFIDENCE because I have lived through the worst day of my life.  I have survived that day, and months following, all because I chose to take a HUGE Leap of Faith and TRUST HIM with everything.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS,  It is my fervent prayer that you will come to know HIM as I have come to know HIM.  Not because you have memorized scripture, or that you can quote verbatim HIS word, or pray eloquently, but rather that in your realness, and rawness of your sorrow, sadness, and pain, you choose to seek HIM.  To allow yourself to be rescued by HIM, as HE is your SAVIOR.  I pray that you will have the courage to take a Leap of Faith and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide you to know, to understand, to TRUST that HE does indeed know what is best for you.  I pray today that if you too are living in darkness, that you will tilt your head back and look up and SEE HIS light shining for you.

Always with so much love and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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