Wednesday, June 17, 2015
During the darkest moments in grieving the loss of my precious son Seth, I have clung to HIS word. Wait, let me rephrase that, I have clung to some of HIS word. More specifically I clung to HIS promises for HOPE and future, and that HE is close to the brokenhearted, and that HE is SOVEREIGN. However, to be honest when I read HIS word and this passage kept jumping out at me, I kept getting angrier and angrier, as surely this passage, HIS word this particular scripture wasn't meant for me.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
This particular scripture kept jumping out at me in a journal that I was given by my soul sister K. I remember crying each time I read it, and feeling as if though HE were asking the world of me. I remember thinking, HOW GOD, how can I possibly be joyful in any of this? Where is there joy in losing Seth? YOU broke my heart LORD, I am so incredibly, unfathomably, unbearably, unimaginably heartbroken. I am shattered LORD, YOU have ripped my heart out of my chest, how LORD, how can I ever be joyful ever again?
Week after week, month after month HIS word was there, and the more I read it the harder it was for me to SEE that even though I knew HIS word to ALWAYS be true, my heart, well my heart was too broken to accept it. That is until today. Ahhhhhh do you hear that? That is me singing, you know HIS praise, that a HUGE burden has been lifted off of me, because a LIE that has been spoken to my heart over and over again has been washed away by HIS truth!
"Sing to the a new song;
My lips will shout for joy
HIS Daily Teachings today got right to the matters of my heart, and let me know that NOT only was HIS word true, but how I could really truly LIVE it, and TRUST it to be true. HE is wanting me to know that no matter how hard things get in this life, I can still laugh. I can still choose JOY, and beyond that I can be JOY filled. HE is telling me that it's not that my pain doesn't matter, because it does to HIM, but more than that my need to be JOY filled is even more important than that, as that is how I will be able to survive the tests, trials, and storms of my life.
Okay, so take a deep breath, and bear with me, I was confused at first too. Life has NEVER been easy for me...... ever. However, since I began this journey towards wholeness with HIM, HE has been preparing my heart, teaching my heart, leading my heart, and guiding my heart on HIS path, for HIS will, filled with HIS purpose. Today HE is letting me know that HIS purpose for my life today is to be JOY filled.
"You make known to me the path of life;
This means that even when the pain cuts deep, and the hurt is so real, I can still be JOY filled because I know that relief is coming. I can be JOY filled because HE is there, and HE is helping me, by flooding me with HIS PEACE and drenching me in HIS GRACE. I know this because HE has so lovingly taken the time to show me, to prove to me that HE can, will, and does do ALL of those things.
I know this to be true because I know my JESUS. I know HIM because I seek HIM, daily, hourly, and sometimes moment to moment. I know this to be true because I have often said that I can't imagine going through this tremendous loss without HIM, without knowing that comfort is there for me to receive. I know this because I am currently praying for a family who has lost their precious little one, and they don't have a relationship with HIM, and don't know that HE is there, and HE will help them. It breaks my heart that they don't know how much HIS heart is breaking right along theirs, and how HE is ensuring that they receive ALL the help, love, support, and prayers that they are needing. They don't know that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN, and that means HE is in control, because HE SEES and knows FAR beyond what we ever could to know the outcome of every single person's life.
"The is close to the brokenhearted
My heart is breaking because the journey that they have just begun to walk.... is so long, and honestly I don't think I even realized how long it would be. It wasn't until the shock began to wear off, that reality set in, and the days that seemed unbearable, began to build as impossible..... it was in those days where I went from feeling helpless to hopeless. Even being strong in FAITH I was so incredibly, heartbreakingly crushed in spirit. I am praying that in HIS timing and through HIS provision, when their hearts are ready, HIS truth will be revealed to them.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Today I am pressing in and pressing through deep into HIS word, and claiming HIS word to be true for my life, and the lives of WHOM I encounter. Today I am choosing to seek HIM, so that I can be JOY filled in knowing that HE is there no matter how much my heart aches, and longs to hold my precious little Seth. Today I am choosing to be JOY filled because I know that in the end HE wins, HE has the last word, it is finished that HE defeated death, and HIS LIGHT overcame the darkness that "tried" to take over.
"Blessed are those who mourn,
"When he had received the drink, Jesus said, With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." John 19:30
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5
Today I am standing up, and standing firm in WHO HE is, and WHO HE has called me to be. Today I am understanding more and more my calling, HIS calling for my life, as to what I am to fight for, and how HE is going to equip me to do just that. Today I am so incredibly thankful that HE has taken so much time in letting me know that HE is there, with me every single step of the way.
"Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved." Mark 13:13
"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13
I am so incredibly blessed to not only know HIS word but to TRUST HIS word about how HIS yoke is easy, and HIS burden is light. I am thankful to know that HE is gentle and humble, meaning that HE NEVER grows tired of me EVER. How refreshing to know that when I, Heather a hott mess come to HIM for help, to give HIM my burdens, HE isn't tired of me, HE is frustrated with me, rather HE is loving me, always helping me, and will gladly take my burdens from me because HE delights in me. I am overwhelmed in finally understanding and knowing that I can trust HIM and HIS word that HE loves me enough to take ALL of my burdens on.
I am so thankful that I can know and understand how to apply HIS word to my life when HIS word says:
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22
HE is telling me that if I remain crushed in spirit, I will miss out on ALL HIS goodness that HE is pouring into me, and over me in my life. HE is wanting me to TRUST HIM that even when tragedy strikes, HE'S in it, HE'S making a way, and through HIS timing and HIS provision all will be revealed, and every cry is heard, and every tear is caught, and kept, because HE loves me that much.
More and more I am understanding WHY HE gifted me with a shirt that says:
"She is clothed with strength and dignity and can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25
HE is pouring HIS strength into me each and every single moment I am in need. HE is telling me that I can laugh at the days to come and be JOY filled in knowing that HE has already walked through those days, and HE knows NOT only the heartache that awaits, but even more the JOY and the GLORY that HE is so eager to reveal to me, ALL because HE loves me.
HE is wanting me to remember that HE is always with me, and that is why HE was given the name Immanuel which means "GOD with us." HE is telling me that this is WHY whenever I am crying so hard I can't even SEE, and the tears keep falling, as the pain cuts so deep that my time here on Earth is through with my son, I can hear HIM speak straight to my heart saying, "I'm with you."
"All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”). Matthew 1:23
In knowing that HE is with me, I know that I can TRUST HIS word, and I can LIVE out HIS word for my life. I can be JOY filled just knowing that I am in HIS presence. I can smile, and laugh even though my heart is so broken. I can laugh at the days to come, as our families days are about to become even more JOY filled as we eagerly await the arrival of our precious little one. I can smile because everyday I wake up in our new home, a home where LOVE lives, and JOY is experienced, and I can smile because our memories here are good, and not of death, loss, and sadness. I can smile because our family has lived through and survived the worst day of our lives, and we're all still together, and HE is building our relationships together stronger than we could have ever done on our own.
HE is in our home, in our lives, in our marriage, in our family, HE is HERE HE is ALIVE, and HE is holding each of us, and helping each of us, and that is something to be celebrate as were are all on a journey of now becoming JOY filled.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, it is my prayer that if you too are struggling to understand HIS word and how to apply it to your life, especially when you are so incredibly heartbroken..... I pray that you will have the courage to even in the midst of your pain and suffering that you will seek HIM. I pray that you will allow HIS truth to be revealed in your life about your circumstances, and where HE is in ALL of it. I pray today that HE will flood you will HIS peace, and drench you with HIS grace, and that HE will give you moments of rest, and comfort, and when you heart is ready, HE will make a way for you too to be JOY filled.
always with love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,