Monday, June 8, 2015
Well today is Monday..... and it has found me in tears. Tears of remembrance of my sweet little Seth. Tears of agony as the pain of losing him, can't begin to compare to the pain of missing him. Tears of anger, of feeling cheated, defeated, worn out, and wishing so badly that I were all cried out. Tears of heartbreak as I realize that it is indeed Monday once again.... a mark, of another week of living in this world without my precious little boy.
As I sit here, looking out at HIS creation, my mind drifts to where my son is, where a HUGE piece of my heart is.... tears fall as I can still hear his sweet little voice, and seeing his sweet little smile. His blue eyes, oh how I miss those beautiful baby blues......... how I long, and ache to hold him.
Bitterness as another Monday is here, and has me wrecked in memories.... bitterness that I'm still grieving.... anger knowing that no matter how hard I cry, scream, beg, or plead..... this is it.... feeling so incredibly heartbroken that memories are all I have to hold onto in this moment......
Tears..... angry tears pouring from my eyes, as I so desperately want to just be okay.... whatever that means. Tears..... that somehow, someway HE will navigate me through this journey of grief...... angry as the only way through it is to walk....... wanting to desperately to be able to run, jump and leap to the other side. To where pain and heartache don't exist, where my heart isn't broken anymore.
Tears.... angry tears that I have been called to live this life in this heartbreaking way..... angry tears knowing that I, nor will my family ever be the same. Tears..... realizing that my plan, our families plan wasn't even close to HIS plan. Tears..... knowing that I have been avoiding visiting my son's grave, as I can't even begin to fathom seeing that horrendous place again.
Tears...in remembrance of what should have been his 2nd birthday, D and I instead had to plan his celebration of life... on a day that should have been celebrating our precious little one turning two. Tears.... in remembrance of sitting in that cold office, looking at books that were filled with ideas for funerals..... choosing a casket..... anger, bitter, biting, maddening tears....... tears in wanting to desperately for my memory to be erased of this pain.... yet terrified that if I no longer hurt, he'll be wiped from my memory..........
Tears in knowing that I couldn't possibly EVER forget him, yet grief.... grief tears you apart from the inside out. Tears in knowing HIS promises and clinging to them...... trusting....... oh so desperately trusting........ as my life depends on it. Tears.... as the very thought of taking even one step without HIM, terrifies me..... All in this moment.... these are the tears that fall......
Soon... however, HIS peace will flood me, HIS grace will be more than enough for me, and I will pick myself up, shift my focus back to here and now, and SEE HIS amazing creation, and this life that HE has blessed me with. The BRIGHT SHINING LIGHT in my life is HIM. HE is there for me every single step of the way, guiding my EVERY step. It is HIS breath that is in my lungs, and HIS strength is what allows me to stand, to hold my head up to SEE HIS light. HE is there, HE is SOVEREIGN, HE is FAITHFUL, and HE is helping me through each and every single step of this hard journey of walking through grief.
Now realizing, that I have been called to do HIS good works. I have been called to work through tremendously difficult and hard things, but knowing that HE has equipped me for ALL of it. Realizing that it's time to put to work all that I learned at the Original Conference in moving past the wishing, means that I, Heather must put my work boots on and get to work.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
Work, means HIS purpose, HIS plan for my life. Knowing full well that HE has been speaking straight to my heart this morning, in letting me know that HE knows all about how I am feeling, and is and will ALWAYS be my comfort. However, now it's time to get to work, and allow HIM to work in me and through me, so that I will continue down the path of ministry.
"See to it that you complete the ministry you have received in the Lord.” Colossians 4:17
Today is a day of planning, and listening to HIM, as HE teaches, leads, and guides me to know which steps I am to take next. HIS plans for my life are amazing, as HE begins to reveal each and everyone to me. I can honestly say that I am excited, elated, and also a bit apprehensive about ALL that HE is preparing me for, but I TRUST HIM, completely and I know HE is going to take me far in this endeavor.
My Dear Brothers and Sisters today has started out rough, but just as HE promises, HE is making ALL things new, including my perspective. It is my fervent prayer for you to know that FAITH isn't without tears sometimes, and TRUST is even harder especially when you've been hurt. I pray that you will know that HE will NEVER leave you nor will HE EVER forsake you. TRUST and know my dear friends, that HE has amazing plans for your life, even when you find yourself drowning in Monday's tears.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Always with love, and grace,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,