Monday, June 22, 2015

where FAITH grows

If you would have told me a year ago that in my 36th year of life that I would suffer the most immense, tragic, massive, devastating loss of my entire life, I wouldn't have believed you.  If you would have told me that my FAITH would be tested and stretched beyond all measure, I wouldn't have believed you.  If you would have told me that I would question everything HE ever said to me, or promised me, well I wouldn't have believed you.  Honestly a year ago, I was growing at the pace that I "thought" I should be, and honestly NOTHING further from the tragedy that was waiting in the near distance could have or would have ever been on my radar.

Oblivious Living ~ This is where I was one year ago today, on my 36th birthday.  I remember waking up that morning feeling a new sense of purpose, and that go-gettem attitude that seemed to fit the criteria of what HE was wanting me to do.   I remember writing in my journal, LORD JESUS, I'm all in.  I Praised HIM for another year, and thanked HIM for giving me peace about my past, and contentment with my present, and excitement for my future.  That day was so incredibly FULL of promise and HOPE, that I was practically bursting at the seams.  

I spent the day at Six Flags with D and our precious five, and even accepted the challenge to ride an incredibly intense thrill ride.  Upon conquering said challenge, I spent time with my sweet little Seth as the other's enjoyed their challenges.  I remember just feeling so blissfully happy... like NOTHING could ever harm us, as we were protected, and well beings I suffered so much in my past, and because I was HIS FAITHFUL servant...... well nothing could hurt us.... right?!?

Tragedy ~ On the morning of the worst day of my life I journaled that I was so elated that I was finally free.  I celebrated in how far HE had brought me, and couldn't wait to SEE what HE had in store for me.  The day was being lived just like any other day, expect for the fact that I was the happiest I had been in my entire life.  I had D, my precious five, and a HUGE desire to know HIM more.  

HE was growing in me a heart for people, and on that particular day HE gave me several opportunities to pray for people who were hurting.  To be a source of encouragement for them, and to speak HIS word, words of LIFE into their lives.  This was it, I was being HIS hands and feet, under new management, and NOTHING was going to stop me.......... well that is until 4 p.m. on the rainy, dreary dark day, the darkest day of my life..... October 13, 2014 where my world came crashing down, and my heart shattered into a billion pieces.

Hopeless ~ As much as I knew HIS word, and meditated on HIS word, prayed HIS word, soaked in HIS word, breathed in HIS word...... as much as I laid my head on my bible and sobbed into the pages..... reading HIS promises over and over..... I feel deep into a depression of  "feeling" the most hopeless I had ever been in my entire life.

I had always known pain and struggled, from the abuse that I suffered from my birth mother, to the abuse of babysitters when I was just 2.5 years old, to the horrific abuse and manipulation that I suffered from when I was4 until I turned 15 and how I wasn't free from the pain, and aftermath, full of flashbacks and nightmares until I turned 26th, the year that HE would set me free from ALL of that horrific pain.  Pain and suffering that I endured, that I felt as if though HE would be using me to minister to others about WHO HE is, was, and will ALWAYS be in my life.  If I had only known..... 

Aftermath ~ Feeling so incredibly heartbroken, shattered, and completely destroyed, I clung to HIS word, I got up each morning, and sat in my office, tears streaming down my face, begging HIM, to please HELP me understand.... please tell my WHY, WHY LORD JESUS did you decide when youw wrote my story to break my heart? Day after day, crying, begging, pleading, till my tears were all I had left.....even the groans of agony I once had, no longer could be heard...... silent tears fell each and every day, as D and I along with our precious four clung to HIS word, HIS promises that somehow, someway HIS good would come out of ALL of this.

Glimmer of HOPE ~ After surviving the hellacious month of February, we headed into March.  A month where HE would take me through one of the biggest breakthroughs of my entire life.  A month where HE would begin to reveal to us, how HE would make good on HIS promise for a GLORIOUS future FULL of HOPE.  A promise of which we would ALL cling to as our LIFE presever knowing that if we let go, we would surely drown.

Knowing that each morning that we opened our eyes, was HIS gift to us, for another day in HIS KINGDOM here on Earth.  Our chance to LIVE our FAITH out loud, to show the world WHO HE is, was, and will ALWAYS be.  Our chance to BE HIS hands and feet.  Our chance to share HIS message of HOPE through our lives....... our chance to be HIS ambassadors.

Rebuilding ~ As you know by now March was a HUGE turning point for our family.  In just one months time HE would reveal to us so much about our FUTURE.  HE made it known that we would be moving, and NOT to another rental, rather this time into our very own home.  If that blessing didn't blow us away enough, HE revealed any even greater blessing, and that was our family was growing by two precious little feet. 

We were all so overwhelmed by HIS goodness, and couldn't hardly comprehend ALL that HE was doing, but knew it was ALL HIM, as HE was truly keeping TRUE to HIS promises for us.  In all the elation of what was to come.....we still couldn't help but to feel the devastating loss of our precious little Seth.  Knowing that we would be leaving the only home that Seth really knew in this life, ALL the memories, good and bad that were made.... we would be leaving..... as we were being blessed with the opportunity of rebuilding our lives in the aftermath of the most horrific event of our families lives.

Rainbow ~  "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

This is our family, this is our reality, this is what we are living, in HIS promise for a rainbow.  This is the very reason why we are calling our precious little one #rainbowbabyj . J is for HIS word that HE led us to in November of 2014 in the book of Joel.  We feel strongly that if our precious rainbow baby is a boy, his name will be Joel, and if our precious rainbow baby is a girl, her name will be Joy.  

It is my fervent prayer that HE will flood us with immense PEACE and JOY, so overwhelming, that healing will be ALL that we are able to know, and that pain, sorrow, sadness, loss, and anguish will be of the past.  Not that we would ever forget about our precious little Seth, but so that we would be able to look back on our memories, and smile, with without tears, and smile because we know that Seth doesn't live in our past, rather Seth lives in our future, in HEAVEN, and he is waiting for ALL of us to spend eternity with him and our LOVING FATHER IN HEAVEN.  

Where FAITH grows~ in reflecting upon this last year of my life, I can smile.  NOT because I'm no longer sad, but rather I can smile because even though I have lost the most precious little gift of my son Seth, HE is FAITHFUL.  NOT only is HE FAITHFUL, but HE is also GRACIOUS, LOVING, KIND, and MERCIFUL.  If I have learned anything this last year, is that HE is most definitely close the brokenhearted, and truly does save the crushed in spirit.  I know this because instead of sitting here typing venomous words of hatred, anger, and distrust for HIM as the enemy is salivating at the mouth for me to do.  I, Heather, HIS Daughter am able to write about HIS goodness, HIS faithfulness, as HE is indeed SOVEREIGN.  

It is because of how much HE loves me, and how HE proves to me time and again that HE loves me daily that HE restores and renews my FAITH in HIM every single day .  It is in the trenches, and the deepest part of the oceans of life where you will find the place where FAITH grows.  It is in the sleepless nights, of "feeling" hopeless where HE will SHINE HIS light for you to SEE that HE is there.  It is when tears fall like rain, and pool as oceans around your feet, where you feel as if though you will break in half at any moment, that HE floods you with HIS overwhelming PEACE.  It is when the first's of life happens, that you are flooded with bittersweet memories, and realizations that NOTHING will EVER be the same, but that HIS promise for a GLORIOUS FUTURE FULL of HOPE is on the horizon.  It is in the darkest hours of your life, where HE will speak straight to your aching and weary heart. "I'm with you......"   words that will become the lifeline to your soul, that will KEEP you anchored to HIM, and HIS HOPE.

Today instead of looking back on this past year and saying "I'm so glad this year is over, it was the worst year of my life..."  I can look back, smile, laugh, and cry ALL at once, that HE is indeed SOVEREIGN, FAITHFUL, MERCIFUL, GRACIOUS, LOVING, KIND, GIVING, CARING, PEACEFUL, and through ALL of HIS loving words, and promises is the place I know where FAITH grows.

"For we live by faith, not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, hold fast dear hearts, HE is there, HE is helping you, HE is making a way.  When ALL HOPE seems lost, HE is there, waiting to showing you with HIS promises of a GLORIOUS FUTURE FULL OF HIS HOPE for you.  You aren't here by accident, you are here on purpose, for a tremendous purpose, because HE deeply loves and cares for you.  Even when the world is telling you that your nothing, YOU are everything to HIM.  So much that HE laid down HIS life for you, gave HIS life away for you, ALL so that you could live in paradise for ALL of eternity with HIM and HIS FATHER in HEAVEN.  Friends, today when the tears fall, the heartache comes, and earthly promises are broken.... trust and know, that HE is SOVEREIGN, and when ALL HOPE seems lost, HE will make a way, and that is the place that you will find where FAITH grows.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

always with love, grace and compassion,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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