Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Balanced Life

When I woke up this morning, I was singing Garth Brooks song "If Tomorrow Never Comes." Not really sure why I was singing it, I never would have imagined what it would mean for HIS Daily Teachings today.  The following verses keep replaying over and over in my mind this morning: "If tomorrow never comes. Will she know how much I loved her? Did I try in every way, to show her every day?  That she's my only one? And if my time on earth were through. And she must face the world without me. Is the love I gave her in the past, Gonna be enough to last? If tomorrow never comes?"  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes, as I am asking myself those very questions about my family, my husband D, and my five children.  Am I really living a life that shows them that if tomorrow never comes for me, will they live the rest of their lives knowing how much I truly loved and cared for them?  What are my actions showing daily to them?  As I struggle to put my thoughts into order, I am thankful for my loving HEAVENLY FATHER that HE is with me, leading me straight into today's teaching.

This morning HE has taken me through one of my typical days, and shown me where I am failing to live a balanced life.  So often when my girls have left for school and my boys are done eating their breakfast, my mind starts to race of all of the things I "need" to accomplish for that day.  It never fails that as soon as I get to work, one of them comes to me and wants to be held, or sang to, or wants me to read a story, or play a game, or watch a movie with them.  My youngest always wants me to play with him, cars, trucks, ball, you name it, he can pretty much make a game out of anything.  His newest game is throw something at Mama's face repeatedly until she looks at me, and then plays with me.  

I wish I could say that I gladly accept their invitations to play and be silly, but more often than not resentment grows in my heart, as if to say, "don't these boys know that Mama is busy?"  This morning, HE has revealed to me that the question I need to be asking is, "am I living a "busy life, or a lazy life?"  Ouch!  HE has opened my eyes up to what really happens in my day.  

HE is showing me that though I may start out strong in getting things "done."  How quickly I go from being "oh so busy" to laying on the couch flipping channels to see if the next episode of my show is on.  Then, when they come to me and want to play I say things like, "yeah that's nice buddy,"  without even looking at them.  This morning HE has captured my heart, and opened my eyes to a journal entry I wrote a few months ago about be able to live a balanced life.

Kay Warren writes "JOY withers in our lives when we are too busy!"  I would go on to say the same when we become lazy.  Maybe that's just me?  HE is wanting me to know that I must learn to manage my time wisely.  HE is telling me that I must stop saying YES to all the wrong things, and get my heart & mind focused on doing what I should be doing.

HE is wanting me to know that when I choose to devote all of my time doing the wrong things, I won't have any energy for my family.  HE is wanting me to know that my energy crisis most importantly effects my relationship with HIM.  As when I am tired, I am irritable, and cranky, and not willing to do much of anything without complaining or grumbling.

HE is wanting me to look really hard at my everyday for the past four months, am I living a "busy life, or a lazy life?"  This morning HE is really making me take a good, hard, long look at how much time I waste in my day, either playing on Facebook, watching t.v., sleeping, or just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.   HE is wanting me to know and understand how much time I waste procrastinating.

This morning Kay Warrens words have cut me like a knife, as they reveal who I am to my family, and friends.  "I am convinced that most of us are terrific liars when it comes to busyness, but the person we lie to is ourselves."  Today HE is showing me just how much I lie about why my energy is run down, well to be honest I am always tired, because all I ever want to do is lay around feeling sorry for myself.  

This has been happening ever since we moved to our new town.  Starting our new life has had its challenges, and rather than being proactive about it, I have chosen to be "lazy" about it, only this morning HE has revealed that I "try" to hide my true self as saying I am living a "busy life" when my reality is I am living a "lazy life."

Annie Dillard says "How we spend our days is of course, how we spend our lives."

"What becomes a pattern, becomes a way of life, and a busy way of life robs of JOY" Kay Warren "Choose JOY"

HE is wanting me to know that the same goes for a "lazy way of life." This morning HE has revealed to me an agreement that I have made in my heart that simply says, "why do today, what someone else can do tomorrow?"  Knowing and understanding the truth behind this, makes me want to hide my face in shame.  However it is because I know HE loves me that HIS truth is revealed to me through every single step I take with HIM in my journey towards wholeness.  I am learning that in becoming whole I must be willing to face all of my mistakes, and allow HIM to show me where I have fallen short of HIS glory in my daily walks with HIM.

I have noticed that when I stay frumpy in my pajamas all day long, and don't do anything with my hair, or put any makeup on, those are the days that are the worst days.  Those are the days where I am most sleepy, grumpy, and completely unproductive.  HE has shown me that I fool myself in thinking that "Oh today will be different, I will get so much done by using the time that I take to get ready, to actually getting more things done.  If  take the time out to get ready I will lose my momentum."  Oh, Heather, Heather, Heather, when will you ever learn?  All this thinking does is lead me straight to the couch, to lie on pillows, and snuggle under blankets, after all I am just sooooo tired, says me after seven hours of sleep.  Oh how rough my life has become raising five children.  How demanding my family is of my time, and after all I did just do ten loads of laundry last week.  Oh how the excuses pile up, and pretty soon, I feel so sorry for myself, that I reach for the nearest chocolate make a pot of coffee, and turn on the xbox to Netflix, and then well, I am gone for the day.  Sorry kids, Mama is out to lunch, then snack, then dinner, and well Mama is just out.  Don't bother talking to me, as I will only merely nod at you, but I won't really be listening, and ask me anything as this is the perfect time as I most likely will say yes if it means I won't have to pause my show..... again........

This morning HE is wanting me to know that HE is having me share this not to embarrass me, but to bring awareness to me of how the choices I am making affect the life that I am living.  HE is wanting me to know that the balanced life, that I crave is right in front of me, I just have to give up the things I "think" I want to do, and do the things I must be doing.

HE is telling me that the very things that I get on my children daily about is a reflection of my guilt as I am the one teaching and modeling for them how to live a "busy life" or is it a "lazy life?"  Okay, so I am seriously embarrassed now, as you are seeing the real me.  HE is wanting me to start thinking about that if camera's were to follow me around all day long, what would they capture?  Would the time that I have been blessed with be used wisely, or will I have had wasted all the time I had been given on doing wasteful, useless things?  I cringe at the very thought of people seeing the real me.

HE is wanting me to know that if I will allow HIM, HE will show me how to go from living a "busy life, or a lazy life," to a Balanced life.  Today HE is answering my question that I journaled, "how can I possibly manage it all?"  HE is teaching me that it is all possible when I allow HIM to lead, mold, and shape me.  Therefore, I must keep my eyes on HIM, and my ears open and ready to hear HIS whispers so that I am ready to do the things that I need to be doing.

I am learning that this does not mean letting go of my responsibilities  when my boys want to play, but rather while they are napping or playing together, that is the time when I will be able to start the next load of laundry, vacuum the living room, or sweep the kitchen floor.  I am learning that the only way I am ever going to be able to model what HE is teaching me is when I change my attitude of "busy life, or lazy life," to Balanced Life.

"It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones." Psalm 127:2

HE has revealed to me this morning that because I grew up with a work-a-holic Earthly Father whom I rarely saw,even when I was living with him, I made an agreement in my heart, that until this morning I never knew I made.  HE is wanting me to know that from a very young age I knew that my Earthly Father's message was this:  "I live a very busy life, other people depend on me.  If I don't do it, no one else will, and it won't get done.  I won't ever have time for you, as I am incredibly busy.  Maybe tomorrow, tomorrow I might have some time for you.  You always ask for my time at the most inopportune time, why couldn't you have asked me that yesterday?  You, Heather must learn to become self sufficient and stop coming to me with all of your silly little needs.  You must learn to care and nurture yourself, after all I didn't have anyone to take of me when I was young, and look at me now, I know exactly how to care for myself, it's time you learn."  

This morning i write with tears streaming down my face is the very reason why it was so easy for Satan to manipulate me into the opening the doors of the years of sexual, mental, and emotional abuse that I endured.  It was because of the desire and longing that I had to be loved, cared for, and nurtured.  This breaks my heart, as the one thing I have struggled with for so long is, "when will I ever be worth it, or good enough?  When will I ever be enough?"  

I know that HE is teaching me this at this very moment so that I will NOT pass down those very same damaging thoughts to my own children just as my Earthly Father did to me.  Today I am choosing to seek HIM and ask HIM to create in me a heart of compassion for my children and their needs.  To create in me a heart of compassion for my husband for his needs.  I am asking HIM to create in me a heart for my family to love,nurture and care for each and everyone of them.  I am thankful that I have been blessed with my family, as I spent so many years alone.  This is why i BELIEVE I was chosen to be a Mama to so many, and a wife from a very young age.  It is because I know this, that I am hearing HIM this morning that I must choose how to spend my time wisely, I must savor each day, as if it were my last.

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone." James 4:14

"O God, remember that my life is but a breath, and I will never again feel happiness." Job 7:7

"Because life is short, every season must be savored slowly and actually enjoyed."  Kay Warren "Choose JOY"

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die." Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

"My future is in your hands." Psalm 31:15

I pray today that you will know that your life is just a breath. I pray that you will know what a gift today is for you.  I pray that you will savor this day, and take from it what you need to and put into it what you need to.  I pray today that you will let go of living the "busy life, or lazy life," and seek HIM to create in you the Balanced Life.


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