Saturday, February 15, 2014

"emotional eruption"

This past Wednesday was the last time I blogged, and that is because shortly after I wrote the blog Balanced Life, my world whole erupted, and I was left in the aftermath drowned in tears and sorrow.  Within hours of writing, I had been focusing on getting tasks done before my boys woke up.  D had been working with client the night before, and missed out on dinner and family time.  The kids and I were really missing him, and this particular morning I really needed him to buy some milk for our 16 month old son.  Very quickly he told me know that he was "too busy," and that I would have to go do it myself.

What happened next is written directly from my nightmares.  Before I or he could even realize we became Satan's puppets and we were the stars of his show, and so began the story of, "watch how D and Heather push each other's buttons."

The final thing D said to me that morning was, "I'm never going to apologize to you, because of everything I have been through for the past 19 years."  To which set of the ticking time-bomb known as "Brunhilda."  This is the other side of "me" that D named a long time ago.

"Brunhilda" had one mission that morning and that was to seek and destroy.  My response to D saying that to me threw me into a fit of rage, and the only way I could describe it was, I could hear myself, I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop it, I knew I was moving around, but it didn't feel like me.  It was almost like I had a total out-of-body experience.  Somehow I managed to say to him, "when you leave today I'm going to cry like I've never cried before."

Somehow I managed to climb the stairs and made it into our room.  I locked the door, and laid down in my closet.  I cried as if though I were dying;.  I sure felt like I was.  I cried so hard that I hurt D, and I said horrible hurtful, hateful things to him.  I cried because four of my children witnessed their Mama's fit of rage.  I cried because I didn't understand where all that anger came from.

After about an hour of crying in my closet.  I stood in front of my mirror, and and heard him say, "what do you see?"  I was surprised at what I began to say.  I said, I looked awful, as my makeup was all off my face, I noticed how much extra weight I have been carrying, and I began to replay the morning's events in my mind, and quickly became overwhelmed in an ocean of tears.

As I stood their crying and sobbing, I suddenly began to say, "I'm ANGRY!!!"  I acknowledge all the hatred and animosity that I had stored up, buried so deep inside me.  It was if though I had just experienced and survived my second "emotional eruption."

I laid down on my bed, and it was as if though I were laying right in JESUS lap, and HE was comforting me.  I kept hearing the line from my favorite childhood song, "I'll shine a light for you."  It was as it at that very moment of brokenness that I could hear HIM speaking to me.

As soon as my two daughters left for school I went downstairs to check on my boys, and I quickly called my sister-in-love.  I cried my heart out to her, asking for her prayers, and the other side of the line was so eerily silent.  I didn't know what to think at first, because I was so incredibly embarrassed that I behaved like that, and I was so scared that I hurt D so badly that he would NEVER forgive me.   I so desperately needed to know that I was going to be okay.

She listened to me for quite sometime before she spoke, and finally she said, "if we don't have grace, than what do we have?"  Though I didn't fully understand what she was saying to me at that moment, I know that it was HIM preparing my heart to receive a really tough dose in forgiveness, letting go, grace, mercy, and unconditional love.

We finished our conversation and she told me she would pray for me.  I must have cried another 3 or 4 oceans of tears after that, and I still felt so defeated.  I text D and told him everything that I felt about myself, and how I hated myself for how I treated him.  I told him that I didn't blame him for how he felt, as I couldn't forgive myself for everything he has been through with me and my past.

Still feeling incredibly unnerved by the mornings events I text my soul-sister "M."  She quickly made time to call me, as she knew that she had heared HIS whisper and knew that she must heed it!  The amount of prayer, and words of wisdom that I received that day, was more than I could have ever imagined.  My tears began to flow cleansing tears, as the bondage's, and agreements with Satan began to crumble, and disappear. I said to her at one point, "growing is so tough," to which she replied, "no your wrong, growing  is so awesome!" I think I might have felt a little anger towards her at that point.  After about three hours on the phone with her I hung up, feeling more at peace, but still unsure of not only why this happened, but what I should do about it.

On Thursday morning I woke up after NOT really sleeping too well, and made my way downstairs to journal, and well honestly just journal as the last thing on my mind was "Choose JOY."  What I saw when I came into the office startled me.  There was D sleeping.  My heart broke over again, into a million pieces, and the tears began to fall.  I grabbed my journal and went into the living room, cried out my heart to GOD, and quickly decided I needed to laugh.

When I turned on the t.v. to watch one of my favorite shows, it was still on the channel from the previous night.  What I heard next floored me, and I quickly realized that it was HIS Daily Teaching, and it was as if though HE were saying to me, "ready or not, here I come!"  

A Pastor was speaking about LOVE, and the show was called "Marriage Mythbusters."  The myth that day was, "Time Heals ALL Wounds."  In just five minutes it was revealed to me that not only does time NOT heal all wounds, but rather deepens wounds, as they dig deeper, and fester inside, until finally an "emotional eruption" occurs.

It was at that very moment HE had captured my heart once again.  Though the show was over, I went online and ordered the marriage devotional, and saw that there was a media link.  I began to watch the message that I had just heard the last five minutes of, and I was floored by what the Pastor was speaking about.

I quickly grabbed my journal and began writing out HIS Daily Teachings, that until this morning I still didn't quite fully understand what HE was asking of me.  That morning HE began to teach me about HIS love, and what HIS love meant for my marriage to D.  HE began to fill me with HIS truth about WHO I am called to be, and HE did it all through HIS words as it is written in Colossians 3:12-14

" Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." Colossians 3:12

It was through HIS words that I final understood where I went wrong the previous morning and why things happened the way they did.  HE is telling me that I must take on HIS characteristics so that I will be able to understand how HE is able to LOVE.  HE is telling me that when speaking to D, I must do so with mercy, meaning I must be able to forgive.  Kindness, meaning I must speak life-building words.  Humility, meaning I must be HIS servant, I must always willing to say "I'm sorry" first.  Gentleness, meaning seeking HIM and asking HIM to help me on my journey to "becoming Mary." Finally Patience, meaning I must stop trying to force my hand into situations in my life, and trust that HIS timing and provision are absolutely and undoubtedly perfect for my life.

"Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. " Colossians 3:13

Looking back at the events that transpired this past Wednesday and Thursday I now know that HE is telling me that I have just gone through another level of forgiveness.  Though I said this on Thursday I didn't really grasp it until last night, and well again this morning.  What I know is that not only is "growing awesome, it is also completely "freeing."  I'm saying "freeing," because now that HIS truth about the bondage's and agreements I made at a very young age were revealed, Satan has lost ALL power over that area of my life with me.  HE has been teaching me that forgiveness means that I must be able to forgive so that I will be able to receive freedom in HIM.  HE is wanting me to know that it took me going through another "emotional eruption," to be able to fully understand just how much anger, hurt, and unforgiveness I had buried so deep within me.  HE began to take me through all of the hurt and anger I had stored up, and why I felt the way I did.  

"Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony" Colossians 3:14

Through the Pastor's message HE began to speak to me about the "risk" HE took.  Pastor's words said, LOVE means being willing to take the RISK, putting yourself out there, loving as GOD loves you.  He went on to describe how GOD took a "risk" by sending HIS only SON to live and die for our sins, so that we would one day be reconciled to HIM.

"For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.  God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17

He went on to say about the "risk" HE took was that we, I, Heather a broken sinner would choose to BELIEVE HIS word and HIS promise, that HE is WHO HE says HE is, and HE did what has been written. That HIS SON JESUS CHRIST died for my sins, so that I would then be reconciled back to HIM, when I chose to accept JESUS into my heart, and allowed HIM to be LORD of my life.

A couple weekends ago, our Pastor spoke about this very thing, and though I "thought" I got what he was saying, it wasn't until my "emotional eruption," that I was fully able to understand the "risk" GOD took for me, and the PRICE that JESUS paid for me.

Last night HE answered another one of my prayers, as D not only had us get dressed up for a  night out, he also showered me with gifts that were not only meant for just me, but meant for the both of us, gifts to help build our marriage.  He bought a devotionals and other books for him and I to help in "becoming Mary."   He also bought several reminders of the current theme in my life which has been, and will continue to be "Choose JOY!"

This morning I feel lighter and have so much more clarity about why I have struggled for so long.  Today I know that I have so much more clarity about WHOSE I am and what I am called to do.  I am thankful to be able to live in HIS love daily, and know that HIS mercy and grace are new every morning for me.  I am thankful that I can truly say, "though there may be pain in the night, JOY comes in the morning!"

I pray today that if you are struggling with your "feelings," that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and ask HIM to reveal to you what is hurting you.  I pray that HE will release you from the pain that you have buried deep within your heart.  I pray that if you too are going through a season of growing, I pray that you will know that it is NOT HIS intention to hurt you, but rather to grow you.  I pray for you to be able to call on HIM as your strength to help you through your "darkest hours, and emotional eruptions." I pray for you to be filled with HIS peace, HIS mercy, HIS grace, HIS forgiveness, and most importantly HIS love.

Dear friends, this has been a tough blog to write, as even though I "thought" I was dealing with things from my past, I have learned that I'm never going to be through with "growing" until I am with HIM in HEAVEN, and OH what a glorious day that will be!!!



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