Thursday, December 5, 2013


At 4:15 a.m. this morning, I sprang out of bed, and made a mad dash to our living room.  It is only day 2 and I have already forgotten Elf on the Shelf.  Honestly, I probably couldn't have cared less at that point in continuing on, after the day I had yesterday with my son.  All day long he was testing me, disrespecting me, hurting his little brother, hurting me, spewing evil and hatred to me, and I .................................. well I am welling up with tears just writing this, I fell for it.  Hook.... line..... and...... sinker.

I am not proud of the way I spoke to my son yesterday or for thoughts I entertained yesterday, but I felt as if though I didn't know how I was going to get through the day.  I called D, and explained to him the situation at home, he listened, and let me know that he would head home shortly.  However, that was not to be the case, he ended up having to stay, and there I was in a face-off with my four year old son.

Had you witnessed how I handle things yesterday you would have been scratching your head, wondering who was the four year old.  You also would have been puzzled during, well a screaming match, even though I was the only one screaming between D and I last night.  D went to bed, not saying a word to me, and I fell completely apart.  I cried as if though I have never cried before, I laid it all out to my HEAVENLY FATHER, and I begged HIM to please forgive me.  I cried because lately I feel so out of control with my thoughts and emotions.

HIS Daily Teachings today was HIS loving reminder no matter what may be happening in my life I can hold onto HOPE, as HE is my anchor.  HE will save me, HE will love me, HE will continue to seek me, HE will NOT forsake me, with HIM I will NOT be shaken.  

It pains me to write all of this out this morning, as this is a classic, stubborn pride moment for me.  One of which I have been working on since, well..... birth.  This is the ugly side of me, this is the painful side of me, this is the side that only my closet family has ever seen of me, and now HE is asking me to share it with well.... basically the world.

HE is telling me that I am writing about this today, not to feel embarrassed or to feel like a failure, but to see and know that HE is my anchor.  HE is teaching me that HE is my anchor that calms my raging seas.  I am learning that HE calms me by filling me with HIS hope, HIS love, HIS peace, HIS mercy, and HIS grace.  HE has forgiven me, I must forgive myself.  I must choose to let go of my "need" to hide my face in embarrassment, and hold my head high, and look to HIM, as HE can, will, and does give me everything that I need.

HIS loving reminder came to me through a song, that when I sing it, makes my heart smile.  "Cornerstone" by Hillsong United, has become one of my go to songs in my times of trial, and when I am being filled with thoughts of despair.  This morning, HE had me say these verses from the song, as HIS loving reminder, that HE is my anchor.  "In CHRIST alone, cornerstone, weak made strong, in the SAVIOR's love, through the storm HE is LORD, LORD of all."  "When darkness seems to hide HIS face, I rest on HIS unchanging grace, in every high and storm gale, my anchor holds within the veil."

"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain" Hebrews 6:19

HE is wanting me to know that HE calls on me, not to rub it in my face of my wrongs, but rather to teach me to be gracious and good, so that HE can, and will continue HIS good works through me.  HE is telling me just as HE has been telling me time and again, that condemnation does NOT come from HIM.  Therefore, I must stop beating myself up over my failures, and look to HIM, and when I do I will find joy, and I will be filled with HIS peace.  

"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him." Isaiah 30:18

HE is teaching me that my incessant "need" to be perfect is tripping me up every time.  HE wants me to know that in order to live my life the way HE wants me to, I must seek HIM, and ask HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through every single moment of my journey.  I must choose joy when the storms are brewing in my life, and when the waters rise, trust in HIM that HE is my anchor, and nothing can tear me away from HIM.

HE is telling me that lately I have allowed my thoughts to be poisoned, and therefore I have been robbed of my decision to be joyful.  HE is wanting me to know that in order to live the way HE wants me to live, I must choose to view each day that I am given as a gift from HIM.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17

One of my most painful moments during my bible study this morning was this:  HE is teaching me that in my anger I tend to let my anger control me.  In choosing to let my anger control me, I end up spewing evil and hatred to every single person I come in contact with.   I am learning, that I must get control of my thoughts, so that I will not spew the evil and hatred that Satan and his demons oppress me with.  I must let go of the evil forebodings that I have been plagued with since birth.   

"All the days of the oppressed are wretched,but the cheerful heart has a continual feast." Proverbs 15:15

"Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech." 1 Peter 3:10

Controlling my tongue has been a HUGE challenge for me lately.  Thankfully my "ABBA" loves me enough to not let me fall, and not let me stay in this negative thinking.  Once again, HE has brought me to my knees, and humbled me and given me the strength to face my wrongdoings.  Thankfully HIS love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness have been poured over my life.

HE is letting me know that HE is always there fighting for me!  HE is telling me that when I am feeling overwhelmed, and feel as if though I am being taken over, all I have to do is ask, and HE can, will, and does fill me with HIS hope!

I am learning that in order to continue to be filled with HIS hope, I must first seek HIM, and ask HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through every single step of my journey.  I must do this so that I will be living my life in the way that HE intended for me to live.  

This morning HE has let me know that my time of suffering, and feeling overwhelmed is over, HE is my anchor and HE will give me hope, I must believe!  HE is letting me know that "NO MATTER WHAT" happens to me.............. I can trust HIM.  This I know I can, because HE has proven HIMSELF time and again in my journey with HIM.  Therefore, I must trust HIM, I must walk by my faith in HIM, that HE is my anchor, when the oceans rise.

I pray today that the GOD of peace, will fill your heart, soul, and mind with the knowledge that when the storms rage, and the oceans rise in your life, HE is your anchor.  I pray that you will abandon your thoughts of condemnation, and seek HIM to show you who exactly you are, because of whose you are!  I pray that you will be able to forgive yourself for your wrong doing, and you will allow yourself to be humbled by HIM.  I pray today that if you are struggling, and you are finding your faith dwindling, you will be able to find comfort, in knowing that HE is your anchor, and HE will not let go of you.  HE will not forsake you.  


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