Thursday, October 30, 2014

fall apart

Grief is probably the most confusing thing I have even had to go through in my entire life.  It is strange how I can be talking one minute, feeling peaceful, and the next minute I am drenched in my tears.  It has been sixteen nights, and we are starting on the seventeenth day without our son.  Not that I enjoy counting, not that I have to count, my sorrow does it for me.  Never have I known such deep sorrow, and never have I had to go through so many days where I just completely fall apart.

Yesterday I had to run some errands with my teens.  We made it through the first two stores, without me even getting sad at the sight of anything that reminded me of my son.  The reason being I was focused so intently on being in the moment with my teens.  I wanted so desperately to be making precious memories with them, as I have been made painfully aware that we are NOT promised tomorrow.  

At our last stop before heading home I was purchasing a drop cloth so we could paint his room.  It was while in line that I pulled out the cash that I had, and was down to one dollar bills.  As I quickly counted out how much I needed, the cashier miscounted, and had to recount, and it was then that someone behind me spoke.  Now I didn't hear this person, but my daughter told me what he said to me in the line.  She said, "Mama did you hear that guy?  Did you hear what he said to you?  He said, what did you work the strip club last night?  I am so incredibly thankful I did NOT hear him say that to me, and am thanking my HEAVENLY FATHER for HIS FAITHFUL protection in NOT letting me hear something so vulgar, and crass, especially in my time of deep mourning and sorrow.

By the time I made it to my truck tears were falling down my face, and it was right there in my truck with my two teens that my world fell apart once again.  It was in that moment that I had come completely undone and once again my children had to witness their Mama fall apart.

I cried for the longest time, this raw, excruciating pain, of which I "thought" had left me, but yesterday revealed itself to me once again.  As the day wore on I had several moments where my family had to witness Mama fall apart.

HIS Daily Teachings today I taking me back to yesterday and showing me where HE was in ALL of it.  HE is letting me know that HE was in the details to ensure that I would find some happiness, and would have a short reprieve from the deepest most painful sorrow I have ever known.  HE is wanting me to know that HE was there as that man said something horribly offensive to me, and made sure that my ears and heart would be protected so that I would be able to reach the privacy of my truck before I would come completely undone and fall apart.  

Later in the day we had a sweet friend drop off dinner to us, and I hadn't seen or spoken to her since this horrific living nightmare began for our family.  Just as everyone else has asked, she did, and when I told her, she fell apart.  However as I said before that grief is confusing, I didn't cry, in fact I don't usually cry when talking about what happened.  When talking about what happened, there is a peaceful calm that comes over me.  HE is wanting me to know the reason being is HE NEVER intended for me to have to go through those horrific emotions like I did on the worst day of my life.  HE is telling me that HE will, and is giving me HIS strength so that I am able to talk about what happened, without have to relive what happened.  

I am so incredibly thankful to know that I serve such a loving, giving, and FAITHFUL GOD.  I feel so incredibly blessed that HE knows me in ways that I didn't even know I existed.  I am so incredibly thankful that HE moves mountains in HIS relentless pursuit of me so that I will know that when I find myself coming completely undone, HE is there and HE is holding me as I fall apart.  I am so incredibly thankful and blessed by HIS amazing LOVE, and GRACE of which HE lets me know of each and every moment of my day.  

Never in my life have I known such deep sorrow, but even more than that NEVER in my life have I EVER felt so close to JESUS.  I can honestly say that I feel HIM, and see HIM ALL of the time.  HE is letting me know that is the reason WHY HE began HIS pursuit of my heart, soul, and mind when HE did so that I would know,and be able to cling to HIS promises when ever I would fall apart.

Last night after dropping our teens off at youth group, D and I headed to dinner with our two youngest.  We went to one of families favorite places, a place where I hadn't been since that last date I had with my two handsome princes.  As soon as I stepped into the restaurant, my eyes welled up with tears.  My legs felt like a thousand pounds once more, and I tried my best to use my NOT cracking, small, timid voice.  I struggled to place our order, as D was watching over our two children.  

By the time they brought our food to us, I was sitting face to face with the play area, and all the memories flooded and rushed my heart and mind, and it was right there in the middle of the 
Chik fil a that my sorrow found me once again.  Surrounded by people and children laughing and playing I came completely undone, and it was right there that my family had to witness once again, their Mama fall apart.  

Over and over I cried out, in anguish of the many firsts that I was going through, walking through, and enduring.  Over and over I cried from the deepest part of my soul ALL of the pain and anguish I felt in losing my son.  As I sat there, all I could do was pull out my cute tissues which were gifted to me by another Mama who is sadly on the same journey of losing her son, and who came to be right by my side, and has remained there since the beginning of the worst day of my life that would ultimately change my life forever.

As we left the restaurant I thanked HIM for giving me the peace that I needed in order to stand, and was relieved that it was going to be time to pick up our teens.  However that wasn't to be the case and I would be almost a hour and thirty minutes longer till they would be done, and with that we had to find something else to do. 

While driving towards our church we stopped at Target as I wanted to get my daughter some gloves as fall is upon us, and winter is rapidly approaching.  The very thought of that made me cry, as I thought about the day I went shopping with my two boys, and my sweet precious son picked out his own coat, and hat.  Both of which now hang unworn, unused in our foyer closet.  Two of many things of his that are still waiting for him to come back and to use, but sadly won't be, and though we aren't in need of them any longer, I can't bear to part from anything.  Its no longer about what my son needs, but rather what deepens our sorrow at the mere thought of releasing his things.

His diapers, wipes, diaper bag, shoes, all of it.  His closet full of clothes, and his fire truck jammies that he only wore once that he so proudly modeled for his daddy in.... waiting to be worn, hanging in his closet. His cup, plate, bowl, silverware in the cupboards and drawer.  His toothbrush, toothpaste, and cup in the bathroom.  His towel, and tubs toys, and bath seat, all of it waiting.  His toys scattered across the upstairs waiting to be placed in their new home as I couldn't bear to be surrounded by all of his things all of the time.  Yet even more deeply saddened at the mere thought of giving anything away.  The sorrow runs so deep as each time we move something, I can't help but to feel as if though we are erasing him in our home.  Grief is so incredibly confusing, exhausting,and draining, and it's just in the beginning......

Everywhere I go I am reminded that he is no longer with us.  Everywhere I go, my deep sorrow finds me, and it doesn't care where I am, when sorrow finds me that is when I fall apart.  Thankfully through HIS many teachings, through HIS Daily Teachings I know, and am confident that HE is with me, holding me, caring for me through all of my sorrow.  HE is reminding me once again of HIS peace that washes over me when I have cried so much I couldn't breathe.  HE is FAITHFUL in HIS promises that HE is NEVER going to leave me, nor will HE EVER forsake me.  

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord." Psalm 117:2

As the first of many holidays is upon us, I am finding myself falling deeper into my sorrow, as I realize that this is really my life now, this is it, this is what I am going through, this really happened.  When the realization hits, it hits me like a freight train, and that is when I fall apart.  Over and over I have to tell myself that NOT only did it happened, but to seek HIS peace.  Over and over I say "LORD please drench me in YOUR grace, and please LORD flood me with YOUR peace."

"Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord." 2 Peter 1:2

Everyday, is another day of me wondering and saying the same thing "he left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without him."  Over and over HE meets me right where I am and lets me know where my son is, and comforts me with HIS loving words and FAITHFUL promises to me.  As each day passes I cling to HIS love and HIS promises to me.  As each new day is upon me I know that I will fall apart, but what I know even more than that is, no matter how much or how many times I fall apart HE is always there, and HE is always holding me.  

Yesterday I must have listened to the song "Held" by Natalie Grant.  I have heard that song probably like five hundred times in my walk with HIM, but never in my life have I ever been able to fully understand what it means to be held, and NOT only that but that HE is holding me, each and every single time I fall apart.

"Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held" 

"Held" by Natalie Grant

Last night as another day of living without my son came to a close, my heart was breaking.  Not just for me, but for my five year old son.  With all the anguish his precious little heart felt, he begged and pleaded to HIM to please give his brother back.  Through his tears he fell apart in my arms, and just as HE was holding me, I held my son. In the final moments of waking hours of yesterday I cried out to HIM, and prayed peace over our entire household, that each of us would find HIM as we all  fall apart.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, I pray that you will know that in your deepest sorrow, HE is there.  HE is holding you as you fall apart.  I pray that you too will be comforted in knowing that HIS love is relentless for you and HIS pursuit of you is amazing.  I pray that if you too have suffered, are suffering, or will suffer a deep loss just as I have, I pray that you will know that HE is there, HE cares for you, and HE is holding you.  I pray that you will come to know HIM as FAITHFUL, and to know that when everything falls in your life, HE is there, and I pray that is when that you too will know what it means to be held.

Much love, prayers, understanding, compassion, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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