Monday, October 27, 2014

how do I live?

How do I get through one night without you? If I had to live without you -What kind of life would that be? Oh, I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold- You're my world, my heart, my soul and if you ever leave- Baby you would take away everything good in my life.  And tell me now -How do I live without you? I want to know. How do I breathe without you if you ever go?How do I ever, ever survive? How do I, how do I, oh, how do I live? Without you there'd be no sun in my sky. There would be no love in my life -There'd be no world left for me. And I, baby, I don't know what I would do - I'd be lost if I lost you, if you ever leave
Baby, you would take away everything real in my life" LeAnn Rimes "How Do I live?"

Since the moment that I heard the heartbreaking, soul-shattering words "I'm so sorry we did everything we could do.  I'm so sorry to tell you that we couldn't save your son."  The above song came to my mind.  My first initials thoughts were, "He left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without him."  

Since my son has passed my days have been hard.  Tender moments with my other four children have been missed, as I am grieving.  Two weeks ago this afternoon my world was forever changed.   Each morning that I wake up, the realization hits me that this is another day without my son, and my heart shatters in a billion pieces all over again.  

As each day passes, this question plagues my mind, "how do I live?"  The more I "try" and make sense of it all, the more my heart breaks.   The hardest part for me these days is that time keeps moving, and great sorrow runs deep.  I am facing each day with my own sorrow, as well as D, and my precious living on this side of HEAVEN four other children's sorrow. Each day we are all facing another day of "how do I live?"

Yesterday was our first day as a family of now six that we attended church.  My legs felt like a thousand pounds, and my heart was heavy as we got out of our truck and walked up to the front doors.  Thankfully we were met with loving church family, who hugged us, cried with us, and prayed over us.  Never in my life have I had to struggle so much with just walking.  

Never in my life, even in my darkest of days, have I ever felt as if though "how do I live" with such deep sorrow surrounding me, and "trying" its hardest to encase me.  I was so incredibly thankful that our church service was light, meaning that we were celebrating HIS goodness in what HIS KINGDOM is at work and doing in our church.   We were celebrating how our hearts are being transformed to serve, to love, to give.  I was so thankful that the message was Free to Give.  

During our worship time we sang a song, that made me throw my arms up in the air, and worship as I had never worshipped before in my entire life.  

" I believe in God our Father ~ I believe in Christ the Son ~ I believe in the Holy Spirit ~ Our God is three in one ~ I believe in the resurrection ~ That we will rise again ~  For I believe in the Name of Jesus" Hillsong "This I Believe"

Never at any time in my walk, my journey with HIM have I ever known this to be more TRUE for my life. HIS Daily Teachings today is answering the question that makes me feel as if though this journey that I am now on, impossible.  Today HE is answering my question "how do I live?"  HE is reminding me of  HIS word that HE first taught me when I became a CHRIST follower, and that is :

"I can do all things through CHRIST WHO strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13

Even though I have heard HIS word, and spoke HIS word a million times in my walk with HIM, I never really fully realized what that meant for my life.  As each day passes without our sweet little blue eyed baby love, it is becoming harder for me to see the future, let alone an hour from now.  These days that is how I live my life, one hour at a time, as anything more builds overwhelming anxiety in me, as I can't imagine living another moment without my precious son.

In the midst of my deep sorrow, HE meets me, and lets me know that my son was only part of HIS great love for me.  HE is reminding me that I do in fact have four other children, WHO are a part of HIM as well, and HE has amazing and great plans for each of them as well.  HE reminds me that they too were sent here to save me.  HE is wanting me to know that because HE loves me, that is why HE chose to make me Mama to HIS precious children.  

HE is telling me that my wondering, and questioning is what HE has always intended for me to do, as it is how HE is drawing me close to HIM.  HE is reminding me once again that HE wants me to confess everything that I am feeling, and NOT hold back, as when I confess, HE is then able to speak HIS truth, through HIS words straight to my heart. HE is telling me that when I allow HIS words to transform and renew my heart, that is when I will be able to speak HIS words, HIS truth, so that when the darkness threatens to block HIS light in my life, I will overcome, as HE is my light, and HE OVERCAME this world. 

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Today HIS truth is HIM answering my question "how do I live?" with I, Heather will live, I will go on, because I know, as HE has proven to me time and again that HE is with me.  HE is reminding me of how much time HE has taken to prepare me for this part of my journey, the hard part, that no matter what is happening, happened, or will happened, I can and will remain confident that HE is with me, and HE will NEVER leave me, nor forsake me.  For this I am so incredibly thankful, and deeply comforted by HIS great love for me.

It is overwhelming to me when people say things like, "Your so Brave, so strong, so courageous, so inspiring."  This is because these day I feel as if though it couldn't be further from the truth.  However, this morning HE is letting me know HIS truth, and that is, I, Heather, am brave, strong, courageous, and inspiring, but NOT on my own accord, but rather through HIM, as HE is building me to BE ALL of those things and more.  HE is wanting me to know cling to HIS words, that has become my life verse, to know that HE has a purpose for my pain, and my loss, and that ONE DAY I will know why, and for now all I have to do is press into HIM, and lean on HIM for understanding by choosing to seek HIM, and allow HIM to teach, lead, and guide me through this journey that I am so desperately seeking wholeness with HIM.

"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" Philippians 1:6

This morning HE is filling with HIS truth and that is " I, Heather am FULL of HIS HOLY SPIRIT ~ I, Heather, am CONNECTED to HIM ~ HE is leading me through my grief ~ HE will enable and empower me with HIS strength to finish my journey with HIM, even if it means without my son.  Today I am so incredibly thankful that HE loves me too much to ever let me wonder too long "how do I live?"  before HE speaks HIS truth to me, so that I will be confident in knowing that I will survive this tremendous loss.

HE is letting me know that HE is there, holding me, and is catching every tear as I realize all the things I don't get to do now.  Last night I realized that I wouldn't be shopping for his Christmas Eve box this year.  I wouldn't be buying him his Christmas pajamas, popcorn, hot chocolate, and slippers.  This realization brought me to my knees, and it was as if though I were going through the moments of losing him all over again.  Tears fall as I realize all of the things we have to do without him.  Yesterday I was soaked in my tears as I watched all the children playing, and searching, and waiting...... waiting to see my sons sweet little face light up in the beautiful sun light...... waiting for a moment that would never come.  

Deep sorrow found me again last night, as the thought of another day without out him seems impossible.  Since that day I have said that I feel incredibly helpless, but I am so incredibly thankful that I'm NOT hopeless.  Since my son's passing, I have received many messages, emails, texts, and phone calls telling me about other parents who have lost their children, and how they are going through all of their sorrow, pain, and grief without JESUS.  This breaks my heart, as I don't know how I would survive without HIM.  HIS word is what makes it possible for me to breathe at the thought of "how do I live?"  

Today I am so incredibly thankful that HE captured my heart and my attention right when HE did, so that I would be built strong through HIM to speak HIS truth, through HIS words, to the masses, that HE is GOD, and HE is GOOD.  I am so incredibly thankful that through HIS great love for me, I have learned, am learning, and will continue to learn that HE is SOVEREIGN.  Today I am so incredibly thankful that HE is answering my questions, and is filling me with is unfailing, unending, unconditional, love and amazing grace.  Today I am so incredibly thankful and deeply comforted that HE is there, HE will give me the answers to my questions, and HE will continue to build me with HIS strength and through HIS power, I am able to answer "how do I live?" with HIS amazing love for me, as HIS grace is truly sufficient for me.  That I am fully sufficient because I have HIS sufficiency in my life.

Power Thought Devotional October 27th ~ "I am self-sufficient because I have CHRIST's sufficiency" Joyce Meyer

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ It is my prayer that you will know that if you are feeling alone, and broken, and lost, that you will be courageous in seeking HIM, and seeing where HE is at work in your lives.  I pray that you will know that HE is there, that HE is catching every tear that you shed, and that HE is holding you through it all.  I pray that you will know that HE never intended for you to walk this long hard journey alone, that HE desires greatly for you to know HIM, and for you to allow HIM to love you as no one ELSE in this entire world has EVER been able to.  I pray today that you will open the door to your heart, and allow HIM to begin to transform and renew you, as HE leads you back to your feet, and straight into HIS loving arms.

Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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