Monday, October 20, 2014

in the details

Yesterday D and our four other children celebrated the life of our precious son.  Yesterday through the tears of sorrow, sadness, and pain, we saw HIM, HE was in the details.  When D and I first walked out to see all that had been prepared for our son's celebration of life, we were so moved, because everywhere we looked we could see HIM in the details.  

As family, and friends began to fill our church, many hugs, kisses, and tears were shed.  People whom I hadn't seen in a very long time came to celebrate my son.  The tenderness, the love, and the compassion was overwhelming.  HE was in the details.

HIS Daily Teachings today is taking me back to a week ago today, and showing me where HE was in the details of every single moment that led up to our beautiful precious son's passing.  At this time last week I was writing the blog Love is Forgiving.  My son had come downstairs and was crying, however he didn't want to be held.  He just wanted me to know he was in the room with me.  I now understand that was HIM preparing for me to know that even though I can't see him, I know that he is with me.  Just as even though I can't see HIM, I know that HE is with me.   HE was in the details of that very morning.

As our day progressed, and I had errands to run, my son said "bye bye Mama," and he climbed on top of our couch so he could press his little face to the window and wave bye bye with his sweet little hand.  I remember looking up and seeing that sweet little face and thinking, "oh I just love HIM."  I am thankful for that beautiful memory of my son, as I now know that it was HIS blessing of remembrance for me as HE was in the details.

When I arrived home from doing errands, I began to prepare lunch for our family.  My son came up to me, and wanted me to pick him up.  He wrapped his sweet little hands and arms around my legs and said, "Mama, up,up,up,up,up Mama!"  I bent down and wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close to me.  I remember breathing him in, as he wrapped his precious little arms around me.  He placed a slobber kiss on my lips, and grabbed my cross around my neck and kissed it.  He then held up my cross to my lips and said, "Kisses Jesus Mama."  I held him for as long as I could, but then I had to put him down so I could finish preparing lunch.  I remember him not wanting me to put him down, and I now know that it was so that I would remember how much my son loved his Mama, and I am so incredibly thankful that HE knew that I would need that memory.  I am so thankful that I can see HIM, in everything HE was truly in the details.

The last time I saw my son, I had gone up to check on him during his nap.  He was sleeping peacefully, and I said, "sleep well my sweet baby love."  I had suddenly become so incredibly tired, and needed to lay down for a while.  With that, I partially closed his bedroom door, and went to my bedroom to lie down for few minutes.  A few minutes turned into two hours, at which time I woke up and felt I needed to check on my son.  I know now that it was HIM in the details that HE gave me that two hours of peaceful sleep, as HE knew that sleep would evade me that evening as I was about to endure the most horrific, and tragic day of my entire life.  

While on the phone with 911 and the operator telling me I wasn't giving the correct address, I took several deep breaths, and prayed for strength to get through the phone call.  D was frantically trying to administer CPR to our precious son.  I ran out side to flag down the paramedics, and to my horror they appeared to be turning around.  Frantically I waved my arms, and screamed  so loud that I lost my voice.  I fell to the ground in the rain, and the mud, in my socks, and cried out to HIM "Oh GOD my son, my son, my beautiful baby boy, oh GOD help me."  

What seemed liked eternity a police woman bent down to me, and said, "oh Mama here lets get you up, can you stand, oh it's okay, we're here, we're going to help you."  I threw myself into her arms and sobbed, and she just stood there as I my son's Mama fell apart in her arms.  The kindness of that police woman, as well as the two other policemen who helped me into our home that day brings such comfort to me.  HE knew I would need gentle people to help me, help me through those first moments of our lives being shattered.  HE was in the details. 

For the next hour we were interviewed by two detectives, and though the questions were agonizingly painful, when all we wanted to do was go to our son, they were so kind and gentle in the way they asked those questions.  They gave me space, and and reminded me to breathe, they were so sweet and so gentle, and let me cry as long as I needed to.  They were the most compassionate people that I have ever met.  I now know that HE was in the details.  HE knew that reliving having to retell what happened to my precious baby love, I would need someone who was patient, caring, loving, kind, and compassionate.

When D and I arrived at the hospital, we were lead straight to the "family room."  We weren't in there even two minutes, and the doctors began to flood in, as well as the Chaplain.  With tears in his eyes, the doctor told us that he and his team of people did everything they possibly could to save our son, and that he was so incredibly sorry to have to tell us that he couldn't.  He took his time explaining to us about what they did, and how our son was already gone when he arrived.  The doctor was so gentle, and so sweet as he spoke the most horrific words I have ever heard, "I'm so very sorry for your loss, we did everything we could to save your son."  I now know HE was in the details.  HE knew how broken my Mama heart would be to hear those words, and knew that I would need someone full of compassion, and love in his eyes to say those words to me. 

Walking into our son's hospital room and seeing him lying there, knowing that his little precious life had ended, I was numb.  I was shaking, and could barely walk, let alone breathe.  The Chaplain came in and prayed with us.  D and I sat on opposite sides of our precious baby boy, and held his hands, kissed his sweet little face, and I grabbed D's hand and said, 'The LORD giveth, and the LORD taketh away, BLESSED be the NAME of the LORD."  I then sang to our precious son, "JESUS Loves Me," and D put his hand in my with our sons, and said, "He knows JESUS loves him, he's with HIM."   You see about seven years ago HE took D and I on a journey of understanding that our children were not really our own, but rather HIS children.  HE taught us that we were entrusted with our amazingly precious five children and were blessed to have been chosen to be their Mama and Daddy.  I know now HE was in the details.  HE knew that our hearts would be shattered, and that we would question and cry out for our son, and want him back.  That is why HE captured our hearts so many years before, to prepare us for the day that our precious son would be called home.

As darkness drew we made the long drive home, which was really only ten minutes to tell our precious four other children that their brother was no longer with us.   When we pulled up in front of our home, my parents were just arriving, and D's parents were already there.  I don't know how I got of my truck that night, but I as I walked up to our front porch and stepped into our home, the look on our faces said it all......... I fell straight into D's mom's arms and sobbed, and cried in anguish for my baby love, my sweet little baby love.  I know now that HE was in the details.  HE knew that I would need a soft place to fall, someone who would hold me and comfort me, just as HE was holding me and comforting me.  HE also knew that I had never witnessed D's mom being so incredibly emotionally caring and loving, and so when she was true healing was brought to my heart, as I saw her through HIS eyes.  

The next day one of the detectives came to our home to share the autopsy report of our sweet baby boy.  He said he was there with him as it was done, and was there to tell us that we were being released from the investigation.  He went on to say that our son suffered NO trauma, and that the results were inconclusive and would take further testing to determine what happened to our baby boy. He then looked at D and I and told us his story, of his tragic loss, and shared his love for CHRIST with us.  He ministered to D and told him how he got through the horrific loss, and spoke HIS truth to D.  I know now that HE was in the details.  HE knew that D's heart would be shattered, and tested.  HE knew that D would need someone who had been in his shoes to speak HIS truth into HIM.  I am so thankful that HE loves us so much that HE would ensure that we were cared for through every single detail of what would be the most horrific week of our lives.

On Wednesday we drove to the funeral home to plan our sweet baby boy's funeral the sadness was overwhelming as it was his 2nd birthday.  As we began to plan how we would celebrate our son's life, we weren't happy with the selections, and that is when our wonderful church family stepped in and said, we can do something else, we can personalize this more for you, let us love you, let us help you. I know now that HE was in the details.  HE knew that we wouldn't like the selections we had to choose from, and knew that we would want it to be about our son, and NOT about what funerals usually are.  After all HE intended for it to be a celebration of our Son's life,  

Yesterday sitting there as my son's casket was place upon his grave, tears fell down my face, deep sorrow had found me once again.  The pain was unbearable as I cried out in anguish for my son, my precious baby love.  I grabbed my courage key around my neck and prayed, "LORD drench me in YOUR grace and flood me with YOUR peace."  I know know that HE was in the details.  HE knew how much I would need a visual reminder to seek HIM for courage that HE placed me on a dear sister in CHRIST'S heart to bless me with her courage key she received to give to someone who she felt exemplified courage.  I am so thankful that HE loves me so much that HE would be sure to let me know that HE was in the tiniest of details.

I could write more about how much we have seen HIM in this past week, but that would take forever. If ever I doubted before whether or NOT HE truly loved me, HE washed away all doubt, as I have been filled, and refilled by HIS living water, FULL of HIS love, grace, and peace.  I am so thankful that in the darkest days of my life, HE is there, HE is with me, HE is holding me.   I am so thankful to know that just as HE is with me, HE is holding my son, and one day, I will join them both in HEAVEN.  Until then, I will wait..... with JOY, HOPE, and LOVE, all of which HIS precious son, my baby love taught me when I became his Mama.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS~

If you don't know by now how much HE loves you, and desires to have a relationship with you, I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM.  To know HIM, to let HIM love you and bind up and heal all your wounds.  I pray that you will receive JESUS as your LORD and SAVIOR.  I pray blessings to be poured in you and through you as you embark on your own journey of WHOLENESS with HIM.

much love, and prayers,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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