Friday, October 24, 2014

never once

"Never once did we ever walk alone.  Never Once did you leave us on our own.  YOU are FAITHFUL GOD YOU are FAITHFUL."  Matt Redman "Never Once"

Last night I went to bed, about to sleep the eleventh night without our precious baby love.  My heart was heavy, as I cried most of the day.  Everywhere I went in our home, I could see my son, and feel him.  Memories flooded me yesterday.  Some with tears, and some with JOY, some with laughter, but mostly with the deepest sorrow I have ever felt.  Through it all, HIS waves of PEACE washed over me.

At one point where I felt as if though I truly were going to die from the pain that I felt, HIS PEACE washed over me, and granted me the rest I so desperately needed.  I fell asleep on the couch in our living room, and when I woke up, I felt as if though that I dreamt the last eleven days.  However, as I began to look around, I saw the Brave Mama's necklace my sweet Mentor Mom made for me.  To my right was the beautiful bouquet of flowers that were brought to our house last week.  In seeing both of those things, tears fell, and didn't stop for a long time.

Later that afternoon I took a phone call from someone who inadvertently without them even realizing allowed Satan to speak to me.  The words were callous, and mean, and brought an even deeper sorrow, because the words were determined to destroy HIS promises to me.  Upon hearing those words, I began to pray, and speak HIS truth of what HE has told me, and what HE has done for me. I hung up the phone feeling completely depleted, and asked HIM, "how GOD how can I walk this journey?  This is so hard, I trust you, I love you, I know I've been chosen specifically for this journey, but I'm struggling, this is so hard."

HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS loving reminder to me, that through all of this never once have I been walking alone in this.  HE is wanting me to know from the moment that my heart shattered into a billion pieces, and my soul was being ripped out of me, HE was there.  HE is telling me that the enemy would like NOTHING more for me to believe that HE left me, HE abandoned me in my greatest time of need.  HE is wanting me to know that HE has even prepared me for those moments were I would have HIS discernment and wisdom to know that what I was hearing was NOT from HIM.  

In knowing that never once in my story have I ever been alone, I know that HE is there  Though life these days, our families life consists of deep sorrow, it all comes in waves.  As I wrote in my journal this morning, I said, "life these days is a series of waves.  I never know what kind of wave is going to wash over me next.  What I do know is HE is with me."

I was deeply comforted when the next thing I read was today's Power Thought Devotional for October 24th.   "HE is with you"  

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

"Your worst day with JESUS will still be better than your best day without HIM."  Power Thoughts Devotional, Joyce Meyer

In seeking HIM this morning HE is flooding me with HIS truth, and building me strong with HIS discernment and wisdom so that in my moments of weakness, I will be strong, as I draw strength from HIM as I choose to speak HIS words, BOLDLY.    Once again HE is letting me know that HE is with me.  HE is holding me.  HE knows my pain and the total anguish I feel.  HE knows how much I ache and long to hold my precious son.  HE is covering me in HIS love today by letting me know that just as I spoke about my son, "oh how I just love him."  HE is wanting me to know "Oh Heather, how much I love you."  I am so thankful that HE will stop at NOTHING to ensure that I know HIS truth.  I am thankful that no matter how deep my sorrow runs, I am aware of HIS presence, and HE makes HIMSELF known to me, no matter how bad things are in my life.

This morning, as I began to soak in HIS word, I was reminded of a song we sang at a Hearts at Home Conference when Lisa Whelchel was the guest speaker.  "Draw me close to you, never let me go.  I'd lay it all down again, to hear you say that I'm your friend.  You are my desire, no one else will do.  Nothing else can take your place, to feel the warmth of your embrace.  Help me find the way, bring me back to you.  Your all I want, Your all I ever needed" Hillsong "Draw Me Close to You"

Today I am saying through my tear stained face, that "LORD I lay down my life for you, NO matter what, I trust YOU, I love YOU, YOUR all I want."  I am so thankful that I am able to boldly declare that, because HE has prepared me for this moment in my life, where I was strong enough to say that.  I am thankful that HE has taken HIS time, to prepare me for this journey of loss, and grief that I am walking to know that never once in all or any of this am I alone.  

Today HE is preparing me for another day without my son, and is wanting me to remember when the sorrow finds me, because it will, as HE has intended for it to, so that I will draw near to HIM, so that I will know once again, that never once in any of my sorrow, sadness, and pain am I ever alone.   Today I am choosing to walk closely with HIM, and wait for HIM to speak to me.  Today I am trusting HIM, as I know that HIS words is truly the lamp unto my feet.  

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

Today I am so incredibly blessed to know that HE has gone before me, and has written my story.  Today I am truly living out HIS words in Philippians 4:13  "I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me."  Today I am thankful to not only know of HIM, but to know HIM.  Today I am so incredibly blessed to say that JESUS is MINE.  

I am painfully aware that this world is waiting for me to turn my back on HIM, to be angry with HIM, and to curse HIM.  However, if you truly knew my story of what I have been through, where I have come from as to where I am now, you would understand that I cling to HIS promises to me, as HE has proven time and again that HE is indeed my light, and HE is shining it for me, to light my way, as I walk this journey towards wholeness with HIM.  

Today I am comforted by yet another song, of praise to HIM.  "This is the air I breathe, This is the air I breath.  YOUR HOLY presence living in me."  Michael W. Smith "Breathe"  Once again, this is another one of HIS loving reminders that long ago HE began to prepare me for the greatest tragedy I would ever live through, that never once have I, or will I ever walk this journey alone.  Today I am comforted in knowing that HE is with me, and as I take each step, HE isn't rushing me.  Instead HE is drawing me close to HIM, and loving me, holding me, and caring for me.  HE is letting me know that my outlook on life these days is one hour at a time, and that is okay, as it allows me to truly be in HIS presence, seek HIM, and to know what HIS KINGDOM is doing in every situation that I encounter.  

This morning I am overwhelmed by HIS goodness and HIS grace that is be poured over me and into me, so that in the times where I feel as if though I can't breathe from the pain that runs deeper than I have ever known, or even thought possible, HIS peace floods me, and HE lets me know that HE is there.  I know this because HE has been teaching, leading, and guiding me for a long time now that HE is FAITHFUL, that I, Heather, HIS daughter can count on HIM.  Through HIS blessed assurance I know that never once have I ever been alone in any part of this beautiful story HE has written on purpose, as my purpose for HIS purpose.  Today I am thankful that my story has already been written, and I am blessed enough to be living it.

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he." Deuteronomy 32:4

My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS ~ 

It is my prayer that HIS Daily Teachings will be an encouragement for you to know that no matter what you are going through HE is there.  I pray that you will know that just as HE has been teaching me that never once have I ever been alone, that you will find the courage to seek HIM, and HE will show you how it has been the same for you.  I pray that you will know that no matter what you may have said or done in your past, HE deeply loves you and desires to have a relationship with you.  I pray that you will know that NONE Of this is about being religious, but rather about knowing HIM, NOT just knowing of HIM.  I pray today that you will open the door of your hardened, and hurt heart, and let HIS words flood you with HIS living water, and soothe your broken heart.  I pray today that you will know that HE loves you, and is waiting, and that you will let HIM teach, lead, and guide you on your journey towards wholeness with HIM as HE proves to you that never once have you ever walked alone.

Much love, prayers, compassion, and understanding,

Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,

~ Heather 

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