I have received many phone calls, texts, emails, and private messages giving advice from well meaning, loving people advising me to go on medication because I seem to be grieving too hard. This astounds me, as it is written in HIS word that "there is a TIME for MOURNING." This is my time of mourning, it's only been two weeks since I last held my sweet baby love. This journey of grief, is sadly just beginning for D and our four children. It is heartbreaking to know that even though we feel HIS sweet PEACE in losing our son, we are also experiencing the deepest sorrow we have ever had to in our lives.
"A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance;" Ecclesiastes 3:4
This morning, I poured my heart out to HIM, and cried deep into HIS chest the anguish that I feel whenever someone "thinks" I'm either grieving too hard, or too long. I thanked HIM for showing D and I HIS glory, even on the first night of our son's passing, and giving us a PEACE that allowed us to be calm for just few moments at a time, so that we could rest. I praised HIM for allowing us to see HIM in the details of every single moment throughout this tragedy, that there is HIS HOPE, and we can cling to that.
"This we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast" Hebrews 6:19
I am deeply comforted in knowing that because HE loves us so much, that HE is truly in the details as we are surrounded by our loving family, and church family. It is so comforting for me to know that people that we haven't even met are praying for our family, and lifting all of us up to receive HIS grace, and HIS peace.
From the first few moments of my son's passing people were there to help us, and cards were left with phone numbers of who to call when needing help. This was just the medical professionals, and the police department. The care and keeping of our family was beautifully orchestrated by HIM, and HIM alone. I am in awe of the even the tiniest of details that HE made sure I knew, D knew, and our four children knew that HE was in the details.
Through our loving church family, so much support, love, prayers are being sent to us, hourly. I am deeply comforted in knowing that even while we sleep there are people HE has sent to pray on our behalf. I am so incredibly thankful, and blessed to know that HIS sweet PEACE is being poured over our home, and that HIS protection is on each and everyone of us.
Yesterday I wrote about "how do I live?" That question was more of without our son, NOT how do I go on living? I am so incredibly thankful and grateful that I can say with ALL confidence that there has NEVER been a time in any of this that made me think, "I can't do this, I just want to be with my son, I want to end my life." My thoughts have always been, "I miss him, I don't understand WHY, WHY GOD? I trust YOU, I love YOU, this is so hard. Please help me, I feel so incredibly helpless...... PRAISE YOU LORD JESUS that I am NOT HOPELESS."
Last night my five year old son was sobbing as his sister wouldn't let him play a game he wanted to on the computer. What started out as a small disgruntlement, led into a full blown hysterical crying fit. Only his tears weren't because of the game. His tears were of him missing his baby brother. I held him close to me, and let him cry it out, just as I have been doing since the first few moments that his sweet precious little innocent ears had to learn the most heartbreaking, earth shattering thing a five year old could possibly hear. It has been in those moments with each of my children, where holding them is all I can do, as I feel so incredibly helpless.
Its so incredibly hard for D and I to understand how, and why things happened, are happening, and will happen, but it is excruciatingly hard to try and explain to your children whom look to you for answers, answers of which you are unable to give. My sorrow runs incredibly deep, but NOT just because Mama lost her baby, rather we all lost our baby.
"The is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"Blessed are those who mourn,
It's heartbreaking as each of us have had to go through the feelings of guilt of, if only, why didn't I, I should have, I was going to, the list goes on and on. D and I have tried our best to let our children know and let each other know that there was NOTHING that any of us could have done to save him. We know this because we know that HE called HIS son home. Whether we were ready to say goodbye or NOT, HE did in fact call him home.
" therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1
People have been asking if we know what happened to our son, and the answer is no. We do not know what happened. It could take up to three months before we will know what happened. D and I however aren't sitting around waiting for a worldly answer as we know because HIS timing is NOT ours, we know HE called HIS son home. The truth is that we have had to face with our four children is that HE could have saved HIM if that was HIS plan. We know this as raising these two boys after raising three girls, we ALL worked over time to save each of their lives.
"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10
"You as your child's mother, and his guardian angel work over time to save his life every single day." Dr. James Dobson, "Bringing Up Boys"
I will NEVER forget the first time I read that, as it spoke to true to my heart. My boys were always getting into mischief with each other. Many falls, involving their heads would make my heart stop for a moment. I would always scoop them up into my arms, and begin to immediately pray over any unforeseen injuries. I knew that I needed to do that as I have been entrusted to raise them up as Men of HONOR. My heart breaks when I realize that I no longer am going to be able to raise my son up as a man of HONOR.
The good news in that is, he is already HOME. He already completed his mission, and did what he was sent here to do. The bad news is, we are all left with just memories of him, and are now walking this journey without him, knowing that he is waiting for us in HEAVEN with our LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST. The bad news is, this journey, won't be easy, it will be hard, as HE has intended for it to be hard, so that we would lean into HIM, and press into HIM to help us, as we feel so incredibly helpless. The BEST news is, HE is there, HE is here, holding each of us, helping us and HE will NEVER leave us, nor will HE EVER forsake us.
HIS Daily Teachings today is HIS loving PROMISE to me that while I may feel helpless, I don't EVER have to feel hopeless. HE is reminding me that HIS timing is perfect, as HE has proven that to me time and again. HE is taking me back to all the times where I felt things should have gone my way, but instead they went HIS way, and how HIS way was so much greater than I could have even possibly imagined. HE is reminding me of the specific prayers that I prayed the morning of my son's passing, and how HE had something even greater in mind.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the , thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
HE is wanting me to know that HE heard my cries, and my prayers that morning. HE knew my desires of my heart, and HE knew how we would answer my prayers and fulfill my desires that I so desperately wanted, and needed in my life. HE knew that the only way I would truly be able to understand HIS love for me, was to test me, to see that even in my deepest sorrow I would know that HE is there, and that HE loves me, and because of that when the darkness "tried" to close me in with lies, HE was there, speaking HIS truth to me, to let me know that it was okay to feel helpless, but to take heart, as with HIM there is always HOPE.
Yesterday one of my soul-sisters was praying specifically for my protection, and she wrote: "my mind goes straight to that song, "break every chain." Don't let the enemy chain you down in your Sorrow and feed you lies. JESUS break EVERY CHAIN!" I am so incredibly thankful, and feel so incredibly loved that HE would send HIS messenger of HOPE to me in my time of greatest need to know that I'm being tricked, and NOT to let the enemy trick me.
Last night as darkness fell on our home, we celebrated the life of our son. We celebrated his sweet little smile, and his love for laughter. We watched two movies that he would have loved, and ate a TON of candy, soda, and popcorn. As each of us made our way upstairs to our rooms, my heart began to feel heavy again, as I realized that we were about to sleep another night without him, and that day marked two weeks without him, and it already feels like a lifetime.
This week, as a family we are working on restoring his room, to make is a peaceful, happy place to go and be with our memories of him. Each of us have horrible memories of that room, and we all dread going into it. In knowing this, yesterday afternoon I felt HIM calling me into my son's room, and it was there that HE met me, and I cried out to HIM, I found my son's cross that says "JESUS loves me" and held it tightly to my chest. Feeling HIS love pour into me, and through me, as I began to sing "JESUS Loves Me." While singing I envisioned HIM holding my son, as I sang that sweet song, and after that, I prayed blessings over the room. That each of us would come to know his room as the room where our son met JESUS face to face. I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have been given that precious gift of HIS wisdom, to know that my son is safe in the loving arms of JESUS. I am so incredibly blessed to know that HE is holding him, and will be until I too am called home.
Until that day comes, I will wait..... with JOY, that HE leaves for me to seek and find as HIS gift so that I am able to see HIS goodness in my days to come. I will wait.....with HOPE, that HE places in me as HIS gift to that on my darkest days, in my deepest sorrow I know that HE is there, and HE will help me, and even in feeling helpless, I will know that I never have to be without HIS HOPE. I will wait... with Love, that HE pours over me and into me so that I am able to Love as HE loves, and not allow the enemy to feed me lies that it's okay to be angry, and to act out in my anger. I am so incredibly thankful and blessed that HE answered my prayers of my desire to know HIM, NOT just know of HIM. I am so thankful that HE captured my heart and my attention so that I would know what it is to trust HIM, and NOT just trust in HIM. I am so incredibly thankful that through each and every test. trial, and storm, HE has restored, renewed, and strengthened my FAITH in HIM, so that during the greatest test of my FAITH, I am able to stand firm as HE is my solid rock foundation, and with HIM NOTHING, NOT ONE THING can take me away from that.
"And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these love."
1 Corinthians 13:13
"Weeping may endure for a night, But joy in the morning." Psalm 30:5
"Trust in the with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
"The is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2
My Dear Brothers and Sisters in CHRIST JESUS, if you don't know by now WHO HE is, and WHO HE longs to be for you, I pray that you will see my story as an encouragement, that no matter what you may be going through, no matter how painful, or how helpless you feel, you will know that HE is there. I pray that you will have the courage to seek HIM, and allow HIM to transform and renew your heart, soul, and mind to know that HIS plans for you are amazing, and that when you place all your FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, and TRUST in HIM, HE will NEVER let you down. I pray that you will know that HIS timing and provision are perfect for your life, even when you don't understand. I pray that through your obedience in HIM that HE will pour HIS blessings and favor over your life.
Much love, prayers, compassion, understanding, and grace,
Your Sister in CHRIST JESUS,